Teenage daughter

[mungo8]

Just had another massive argument with Dd. She broke the rules at the weekend went with some boy she doesn't know (another arguement) to his house 50 odd miles away went to a party in a house.
Today she has a sore throat, headache and aches. She is refusing to test or isolate what would you do? (Symptoms she has are no longer on NHS website for reason to test). We have so many other issues with her at the moment so she thinks I'm utterly ureasonable

[mungo8]

On she also broke the rules last week and the week before so has been I a position to catch covid

[Seeline]

I suppose you can't force her to test.

You can try and force her to isolate - but the whole household should do so too in that case. If you can't stop her going to parties etc though, I'm not sure you can force isolation, short of actually locking her in. How old is she? I think this time has been really hard for teens - I have an 18yo and a nearly 16yo.

[bigchris]

Well if she is ill she won't want to go out so I'd see how she seems tomorrow

[bigchris]

Also you could have caught it in the supermarket if you've been out, she's no more likely to bring it home than you are unless you and the rest of the family don't go out

[mungo8]

She is 18. Her refusing to test means the rest of the house will isolate because we are being responsible for 14days she will continue to do as she wants. I work with vulnerable people and they don't want me to visit even after she broke the rules as it's too big a risk for them which I fully understand. In all this I think I'm far more concerned about others that any of us. She just doesn't see that her actions can potentially have serious consequences.

[mungo8]

I know we can catch it anywhere but we try to be as carefully as possible with hygiene and social distancing she has not been doing this.

[TheCanterburyWhales]

She's probably just run down because of all the partying.

I'd be pretty fucked off if my 18 yr old was that badly behaved and irresponsible. She's an adult. She should be behaving like one.

[minipie]

I’d be furious.

Where does she get the money/transport to get to the parties?

[Saladmakesmesad]

She can respect your rules or move out. And yes, don’t give her any money or access to your WiFi or anything. She’s putting your health (and job from the sounds of things) at risk. She’s also putting herself at risk in other ways if she’s going off with men she doesn’t know. This is not normal or ok.

[mungo8]

In the party incident the internet stranger picked her up (no amount of explaining the risks makes any difference) she has her own money as she's furloughed from her part time job. The other times she's broken the rules she has been collected, so we do not take her anywhere or give her the money.

Like I said we have a load of behaviour issues we just move from one incident to another but this incident has the potential to risk other people's lives.

And regarding it she doesn't like the rules then move out is a huge problem as we are trying to keep her at home to keep her safe from moving out to live with random internet stranger (another massive arguement)

[mungo8]

And trying to get help with this not normal behaviour is impossible

[pigeon999]

I was your teen. I am sure you have tried this, but have you taken her out for walk and asked her quietly why she is going to a party etc, is she bored/fed up/depressed?

She is definitely engaging in risky behaviour, but she is eighteen. As such you need to distance yourself as much as you can, because it is her life and she must make her own mistakes. She will almost certainly be okay op, give her time.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

This would have been my teen if she had been living at home.
Im not really sure what you can do, I tried everything, obvs before Covid and nothing worked.

[Spinakker]

It seems your relationship with her has broken down somehow. Can you try and bond with her in some way so that she starts to see you as less of an enemy ? I was like this at her age, but my relationship with my parents was quite dysfunctional there was no warmth or closeness from them. If you can work on getting her on your side then you'd be better able to deal with the other issues. Sounds like she's seeking love in the wrong places and maybe home life isn't that happy? Just speaking from my own experiences as a teen which led me seeking our people on the internet. I'm 33 now and glad that phase of life is over !

[mungo8]

I have tried everything I possibly can. Before all this awful behaviour we were a laid back easy going family, always a house full of children then teenagers then her behaviour started to deteriorate. I still have tried over and over again I spend my time trying really hard to keep everyone happy. She has had a life of love and care.

[mungo8]

I am aware she isn't happy but have been unable to try and help her. I have tried to have a relationship with her she isn't interested, she won't go shopping or anywhere with me she also stopped our annual girls holiday in the sunshine which wouldn't of happened this year anyway.

So when we have an important issue like her potentially putting other people lives at risk by spreading covid she just doesn't seem to understand she has a responsibility

[pigeon999]

Has something happened to her that she hasn't told you? I say this because that was the case for me, and I was struggling to cope. I would really try and find out.

[pigeon999]

I would ask her to write a letter to you stating everything she feels is wrong and making her unhappy - ask her - and mean it, to put everything the family could do to make it better. Tell her you if she is willing to do this, you will read her letter carefully, reflect on what it says and write back.

It seems the communication channels are closing between you, she is shutting you out. She may not be able to put into words what is wrong, but a letter will give her the chance to spill out her feelings without interruption.

Whatever she writes, even if it is the worst thing you can imagine and very hurtful. Put your own feelings to one side and see what and where you can help. If there is something more happening you will at least know about it. It might be angry (but anger is just sadness as we all know) it might shock, don't be upset. Just let her get it all out if she is willing. Send her a letter back telling how much she means to you, and that will never change.

She will remember your efforts to look after her, she will remember treating you badly and still you carried on loving her, she may be in a bad place with her mental health but can not ask for help. As long as you carry on being loving and kind, keeping the door wide open, that is all you can do, and that is more than enough. Most teens grow out of this, and she will be no exception. I have never forgotten my mother banging on the door of a horrible drug fuelled party and telling me she loved me, and was taking me home. I hated her at the time, but I still think of it now 30 years later. Don't give up on her.

[mungo8]

Thank you pigeon for your heartfelt reply

[thistimeofyear]

Hi - you say her symptoms are no longer on the NHS website? Have you filled in the symptom checker all the way through on the NHS 111 website 111.nhs.uk/
That should tell you if she needs to test or not.

[ragged]

What would I do...

shout a bit.
Are you being regularly testd, since you sound like a keyworker yourself, doing care work?

[mungo8]

If you go on the NHS getting a test there's now only 3 categories persistent cough, high temperature and loss of taste and smell although the WHO still have the full list that includes her symptoms. And I have had tests but she keeps breaking rules

[girlofthenorth]

I have a similar thing OP , was actually coming in here to try and get some advice . Mine is 16 and not social distancing , and I have my other DD who isn't high risk but she has autoimmune issues . Plus generally we are a vulnerable household health wise . It's really hard, my heart goes out to you. I guess at the end of the day is stay calm and loving . Try to keep lines of communication open . We will probably all be distancing from our DD after her latest trip out .she has Mh probs and just cant seem to stop herself . I'm not sure what to suggest but here to listen .

[girlofthenorth]

She should still be able to get a test based on her symptoms and she can always go through the Zoe covid app too, they are sending people for tests , I will find the link..but she has to agree I imagine

[girlofthenorth]

covid.joinzoe.com/