Genuinely can’t cope anymore

[MummaJ32]

Possible trigger thread..

Since lockdown began I’ve been off of work as my son’s nursery closed & my dad who was able to have him when I worked, is diabetic so was classed as vulnerable so had been shielding.

I’ve been off of work since March, I’m a HCA at a hospital.

My relationship ended recently, even with attempts to reconcile with him - he has ignored me deliberately, making me feel worthless.

Then today I texted my 9 year old cousins mum to wish him happy birthday and she retaliated at me being nasty because I forgot her other son’s birthday in March - he isn’t my cousin as different dads.

I also lost my Mum back in September last year to breast cancer and still struggling with her death.

Just got notice if I don’t go back to work I will get fired but what am I supposed to do just leave my 3 year old at home by himself?!

I honestly can’t cope anymore and feeling suicidal tbh. I feel like everyone would be much better off without me. I’m worthless, I have nothing to give, everything I do is wrong. I just can’t cope anymore and I can’t talk to my family about this

[NewAndImprovedNorks]

Oh darling girl, that all sounds like a LOT to deal with, especially on top of the loss of your mum.
I am NOT going to offer solutions, because that is always a bit rubbish, but please keep talking to us

[Playdonut]

I'm so sorry. That's all so hard. You are not worthless, this has all been a goverment campaign against children and single mums so it's not surprising you are struggling. Tell work they can find childcare or fire you. If they fire you, claim benefits and enjoy your little boy. I WONT let the lockdown kill anymore. Message me anytime xxx

[MummaJ32]

Thank you @NewAndImprovedNorks & @playdonut 😢❤️

[DianaT1969]

So sorry, you have had a lot of bad things happen at the same time. You have made it through the worse part.
To be honest, losing your mum will always hurt, but you need to channel her strength and be the best mum you can be for your little one in her honour. She would be pushing you to get through this. I'm sure she's got your back. Your dad needs you too.plus you do a very valuable job.
On a practical note, can you find a childminder? Any news from the nursery on opening? Push them for answers. Try not to lose your job. We're coming out of lockdown and you are almost through the hard part. Big hugs to you.

[Lemons1571]

Can you apply for parental leave? Unpaid, but might buy you some time until childcare looks a bit more normal again (and shielders allowed to form bubbles)

[Saladmakesmesad]

I’m so sorry about your mum.

You are your little boy’s whole world and he needs you. Don’t ever think you’re worthless as to him, you’re everything.

[Sandybval]

Blimey OP, that's a lot to deal with at the best of times, let alone with everything else going on. Do you have any friends etc who you can speak to? Is there anyone in your family you would feel comfortable talking to? You are not worthless, and to your little boy you are the entire world.

[MummaJ32]

@sandybval due to the passing of my mum I fear my family would be too upset at how I’m feeling x

[MummaJ32]

@Saladmakesmesad thank you for your condolences x

[Babyroobs]

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. Is your ex partner your son's dad and if so could he help with childcare at weekends ( I'm assuming as a HCA you have to work some weekends but maybe not?). I think you will need to look for a nursery or childminder, they are starting to re-open and you can claim help with the cost through Universal credit. Take no notice of your cousin's mum having a go at you, really anyone can be forgiven for forgetting things during lock down. Hope things improve for you.

[MummaJ32]

@babyroobs No he isn’t my son’s dad. However he’s literally the only person I really want to hear from and talk to and he’s ignoring me completely 😪

[mortforya]

Am so sorry you are feeling like this op. You are having a really tough time right now, but it will pass and not always be like this. If you ended your life, your little boy would never be the same again, all he wants and needs is you. Even if you are not doing exciting activities with him, it doesnt matter, just having you is more than enough, it's a connection between him and u that nobody can ever replace.
My advice, op is go see your gp immediately, ring first thing in the morning, explain your suicidal feelings, they are getting loads of calls like this recently, believe me. I think a course of antidepressants will benefit you and in time when you feel ready consider therapy.
Secondly, you need to be signed off work sick in definately and claim illness benefit. Please, do not worry about work, it will still be there when you are feeling stronger. Everybody needs a time out at some stage in life and this is yours. Be with your boy, get through each day and things will brighten soon, xxx.

[MummaJ32]

Thanks @mortforya

[Playdonut]

Op, this topic is mainly frequented by people who LOVE the lockdown. They hate hearing the reality so avoid threads like this. I'll keep checking in on your thread but it may be worth reposting in chat for more responses. Life is shit atm, but we have to keep fighting. Xxx

[MummaJ32]

In chat? @playdonut

[Playdonut]

I meant that you have posted this in the coronavirus topic and I felt that you may get more responses in a different topic that's all xx

[MummaJ32]

Oh ok thanks @playdonut - I’m feeling better than I did but things still heavy. Thanks xx

[PurpleDaisies]

Your gp would be a really good person to talk to. There is real life help out there for feeling suicidal and that’s how things will really get better for you. If you need someone to talk to, the Samaritans will always listen and if you think you might hurt yourself, a and e can keep you safe.

[Choice4567]

Also, you can text SHOUT to 85258, and they will text you back with support

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't understand how people are expected to manage in these situations

[areallthenamesusedup]

www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/chat-online/

Hi, you can chat to the Samaritans on-line. They do way more than just suicide prevention if you know what I mean.

Try talking to someone professional lie them.

I can not possibly understand all you are going through but I think they may worth a try.

[MummaJ32]

Thanks all. Feeling overwhelmed by the support x

[HebeMumsnet]

Hi there OP,

We're really sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the moment. You're far from alone in feeling like this and we hope you manage to find a path through it all.

We can see you've had lots of useful advice and support already on the thread but we thought we'd post our usual links to help here in case any of it happened to be of use.

If you'd like us to move this thread elsewhere, do just hit the report button and we can do that for you. The posters on the mental health boards are always really supportive and helpful, too.

We hope somehow this week is a better week for you.

[MummaJ32]

@HebeMumsnet thank you for your reply, if you’d like me to move the thread then I can try and do that - apologies if it’s in wrong place

[DamnYouAutocucumber]

It sounds like you're having a really tough time.
As a key worker you should be entitled to some sort of childcare and help paying for it, but also there should be other options available if you can't access the right hours, or just don't feel able to leave your boy.
Life is hard right now, but it will get better, hang on in there.