Furlough return and prev thread

[GruffyLove]

Hi guys this is my previous thread regarding my boss.

I've also added an update to the end in end light of covid I am furloughed but expecting to return in Aug. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm getting very tearful at the thought of returning.


Dress down - Character Assassination www.mumsnet.com/Talk/work/3692872-dress-down-character-assassination

[Slothsarecreepy]

It's been almost a year since this happened. I think you need to let it go or leave.

[GruffyLove]

I think I'm scarred and I guess we have even in work since April.

I feel like I've existed with a mask unable to be myself

[GruffyLove]

We were last in work in March so it's been 6 months of 'real time'

[Slothsarecreepy]

You really sound oversensitive and emotionally fragile so best to find somewhere else really.

[GruffyLove]

I'm not sure I'm emotionally fragile or overly sensitive.

I've had to wear a 'mask' not be myself for 6 months. It's not the easiest time to just up and leave a job is it really!

The time on furlough has re-ignited the anxiety and brought it all back - I had to an extent moved on but now going back has made me think I don't or can't work for him anymore. I don't really know what to say or know why i posted it back on to be honest

[frozendaisy]

Assuming you need to be paid, go back in head held high, get a couple of new kick ass work outfits, look for other work on the side. Honestly it's just work they pay you for what you can do for the company not to be yourself, be you most effective work self, forget about when you are out of the door. Not much else you can do until you move jobs. There are cocks in every workplace, they are not who you are just who you work for

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Unfortunately there are arseholes in every organisation at every level, sadly we can't escape it but we can chose how we deal with it.

You need to now control your reaction to this situation as it's causing you mental damage. There are loads of books & theories out there of how to deal with events.

One that particularly works for me is 'the torture scale'. So think about a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst form of torture and the hands of others and ultimately death, 1 being a minor inconvenience (stuck in traffic, an hour late for a meeting).

Now think in detail where you'd place this experience, what number on that scale, firstly it puts it into perspective. It's probably a 5 at worst, you were ambushed, it was unfair, your pride was hurt, you can't identify with his examples, you can't defend yourself because of his seniority.

Now think, given its only a 5, how much more of your precious life and mental energy are you going to keep giving to this one event in your life. It happened, shit happens, if this is the worst thing that ever happens to you then you're very lucky.

Now slowly, slowly, let it go.

[Slothsarecreepy]

That's just my perspective from having read your thread. He gave you some feedback you didn't like (which really didn't sound all that awful from what you said) which left you sobbing and 'ill' and concluding he had a personality disorder.

Sounds like nothing similar happened since and he tried to support you after it as knew you'd found it upsetting and he reassured you it was just his perspective from feedback he'd heard from your colleagues and he didn't want you to leave.

9 months on you're still 'hurt' and 'can't forgive him' and 'hate him'. As if you were a betrayed spouse and not someone who was just given some feedback at work

That does seem oversensitive to me.

[GruffyLove]

Thank you you're right it's all about perspective.

As far as one to ten you're right I would give it a 4 or 5. It's just my work pride and yes I do need tools to let go.

It was all quite sexist - possibly now looking at BLM (not appropriating racism towards black people or making it about me at all but I'm of South Asian heritage therefore we also suffer from racism) I think me being a confident South Asian woman really irks him.

[AriettyHomily]

Blimey, this was 9 months ago? Why don't you just look for another job? How have you now arrived at sexist and BLM?

You do sounds oversensitive for it to have this much of an affect on you 9 months down the line. It's work, he's not your mate. There are absolute wankers in all walks of life.

[GruffyLove]

I think it's cos no one has spoken to me like that before - especially not for such a prolonged period of time or left me the the 'state' I was left in / I don't think it's over sensitivity

Plus it's sales - but I have been told by a recruiter there is probably still going to be a demand for experienced people in my field.

[Slothsarecreepy]

That's the thing though OP, it sounds like he may have had some valid points going by your own words on your threads and your reaction to his feedback even months on.

You don't sound like a confident person at all (of any ethnicity or either sex). Sorry OP, but that's just going from 'your side' of things that you've given.

He gave you some feedback you didn't like and you decided he was a narcissist and now, a misogynist and racist? I really think you should leave if you feel 'scarred' by this feedback and 'can't forgive him'. It might be best for all of you.

[GruffyLove]

You were not in the meeting where he literally vocally battered me for 3+ hours.

The feedback upon me pushing was all him in his own head!!

This has come from other senior people in the business who has said he doesn't/didn't know what he was talking about.

Sloth I'm confident - you don't know me so I'm not going to say you're wrong. I accept that's your interpretation of the information you have.

Maybe I can't let go because it did have a bad affect on me - and no one has professionally spoken to me like that in the past. Work has been so busy over the last few months that it's taken furlough really for me to be able to take stock really and start to understand what I want/need professionally

[Slothsarecreepy]

You're rewriting history now. He intended it to be just a chat, it was your overreaction that made it take so long! This is what you said over different posts:

"I tried to break down with him where this feedback came from" (he did tell you, several people had spoken to him about you)

"then it just went round in circles with me sobbing - me not understanding - then sobbing more" so him giving you all the examples, which you admit were true! but you refusing to accept the feedback and sobbing; with him trying to reassure you you were a great employee but there were these minor issues he had to speak to you about as other people mentioned them to him.

"It was literally left with me balling my eyes out and he had to get back to his office" He literally had to leave as if had taken so long because you wouldn't take it on board and wouldn't calm dow. But he 'phoned you the next working day as was concerned about how upset you were and wanted to make it clear again, how it was just feedback and you did loads of positive things and he didn't want to lose you as an employee and even took you to lunch to try and reassure you!

You even said this at the time "Also I feel he invested those 2.5 hours in me as in trying to explain his point. He also knows I'm an emotional person or at least he knew whatever he said to me I would cry"

So he spent far more time than he should trying to help you see what he was saying despite you refusing to acknowledge it and dramatically overreacting, and he felt bad having to leave you still in a state but its clear he could have spoken for hours and you wouldn't 'get it' as 9 months on, you still can't 'forgive him' and feel 'scarred' and would put the experience at 5/10 on a 'torture' level. I mean, come on!

Now you're trying to make out he berated you for 3 hours when your own posts said that wasn't the case. And that he's a narcissist, misogynist and racist

[GruffyLove]

I'm not re-writing history - the examples were ridiculous not something to pull up someone on.

Due to low self worth/self esteem I've probably sought to validate his examples.

[Slothsarecreepy]

Clearly not..since you say they were ridiculous yet admit they were things you did! that others spoke to him about....he didn't make them up, other people told him.

Your lack of self-awareness is astounding. You even said that he had tissues ready because he knew whatever he said, you'd start crying as you're an 'emotional person'.

Sounds like he, and others were treading on eggshells around you being so fragile and were right to do so as a tiny bit of minor feedback led to you 'being destroyed', 'ill', 'scarred', 'broken', and 9 months on you're still saying you 'can't forgive him'.

When...what was it he said? "Describing me as lacking self worth, self confidence, how I constantly seek approval and need to be noticed" and he gave examples you admitted were true in your posts. You did moan to people how hard it was being a working Mum and how upset you were missing your kids. Those people fed back to him.

You did help a colleague then made a big show of how you'd helped them even though everyone knew you had, and people fed back to him about that.

You did make a good sale and sent everone in the company an 'excited email' in your words which made other people go to him and say they thought you were saying you were better than your colleagues while also seeking validation about how great you are when it isn't the company culture that people do that and others making great deals don't announce it to everyone.

None of those observations were mean or misogynistic or racist. He didn't say anything unpleasant or mean or unfounded. He passed on what other people had said to him and it was his job as a manager, to let you know about that. You freaked out, wouldn't listen and sobbed for hours.

And he's said nothing at all negative to you in the 9 months since as he's probably wary to given your massive overeaction, though you've tried to bring up just how hurt you were with him, when you really should have let it go as it was not a big deal at all.

He also said you were great at your job, were a valued employee and just needed to chill out a bit. Stop making a fuss about what you do, seeking attention and just do your job well (he said you were) and stop seeking attention and validation from others. He called you and took you out to lunch as knew you were upset and he didn't want it to be a big issue but you just won't let it go. 9 months on you still won't.

Can you not see that you starting your original thread and this one 9 months after, might just mean you DO want attention and validation from others even if you're in the wrong?

I think you're very lucky you haven't been managed out tbh as you sound a nightmare. It sounds like its true that you're good at your job, otherwise I don't know why they'd want to keep hold of you.

If you can't get any self awareness, move on and let everyone else in the company relax without worrying you'll be 'broken' and 'ill' for months by someone saying something true.

[TorysSuckRevokeArticle50]

@Slothsarecreepy has said everything I was thinking.

Honestly OP you sound like hard work. If the job doesn't fit you and you don't fit the job then you need to look for a new one. You've had since last September to do just that.

[Moondust001]

OK. So every opinion that you don't like is wrong and yours is the only perspective on this? That's telling. I'm afraid I also agree with what Slothsarecreepy says. I think you overreacted to a manager raising legitimate concerns about how you can fit into the company culture. Honestly, if a member of my staff emailed everyone about doing their job well, I'd also be speaking to them. That is the way to alienate everyone you work with.

I'm sorry, but I don't think you have any grounds to hate him and you are being terribly unreasonable. He did you a favour breaching some difficult conversations that needed to be aired. He could have left you to stew, and let people dislike you and your approach. He didn't. It was brave to have that conversation. Believe me, many managers run at the thought of difficult conversations and leave them until a problem has become a disaster.

If you can't live with this, you are right and should leave. But the advice you had will apply to any workplace. Please heed it because it's good advice.