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DS2 guilt tripping me over rule breaking

(31 Posts)
ILoveJoeBrown Sat 06-Jun-20 16:39:14

DS2 is a bit of a rule breaker. He's 21 now (last month so lockdown birthday). He and his GF are always out of the house seeing each other. We have allowed her over here and he's been over there (overnight - once). I feel constantly guilty as we have to make sure our friends don't know and my parents would be furious.

He is forever telling me that he's not the only one and his pals are seeing each other. Additionally her parents are ok with it and drive her here or him there. How much flexibility can you give a kidult in this way and when do you say 'no'?

DS3 has a GF too but she's local so they have been meeting up every so often when out walking the respective dogs, but DS2's GF lives 20 minutes drive away so is feeling very lonely. She's also an only child.

If we say no, he'll go out on his bike anyway and meet her plus their pals.

Wish this fg thing would end as I hate being "bad Mum" all the time.

OP’s posts: |
Bobbythebulldog Sat 06-Jun-20 17:01:33

I’m in the same situation. And yes I feel guilty and ashamed about it too.
Dd21 is the same and it’s driving me crazy. She’s just started going out the past couple of weeks, after not leaving the house at all during lockdown. She is definitely not social distancing and was at a garden party last night, which I know they are allowed to do but the weather was awful so doubt they stayed outside. No boyfriend but staying out very late with her mates.
She can’t see she’s doing anything wrong as “everyone is doing it” or else she just doesn’t care.
What do all these other kid’s parents think about it all? Is it just us who are struggling?
Don’t know what to do other than kick her out.

Fluffyglitterystuff Sat 06-Jun-20 18:06:32

Honestly I think children and young people have really been just thrown under a bus during this pandemic.

They are at a very low risk of becoming seriously ill, yet everything has been taken away from them.

Their education, their jobs in many cases, their social life.

Look I'm not saying it's right that they're breaking the rules but if I was in my 20's with no dc when all this happened o can't honestly say I wouldn't have done the same.

Cornana Sat 06-Jun-20 18:17:13

My sister is 20 years old and at uni. I have no beliefs any of her friends are social distancing, and she’s admitted to it. Final straw for her was apparently going to work and no social distancing at all, I think she gave up then.

I don’t blame her. All 19/20, no health issues, minimal risk, don’t even live with parents or vulnerable. They all live within a few minutes of each other and with the terrible weather, I don’t see them sticking to the “outdoor” rule. Apparently all her friends see their boyfriends, etc...

Cornana Sat 06-Jun-20 18:17:43

Also not saying it’s right, but I understand they’re fed up now.

Andi2020 Sat 06-Jun-20 18:18:00

Unless there is someone in your house who would be in danger from teenagers/ young adults meeting I would allow it at this stage.
They have missed out on exams some on proms no festivals let them go to small gatherings or meet bf/gf
I have let both my dd1 and dd2 in the past 2 weeks they can't stay locked up forever

pigsDOfly Sat 06-Jun-20 18:18:41

A lot of older people have lost their jobs, their business and their social lives as well.

So does that make it okay for them to break the rules as well?

A lot of people have had a hard time and lost family members.

I don't understand the idea that the young have lost more than any other age group.

onedayinthefuture Sat 06-Jun-20 18:20:36

Whenever I see groups of young people they are all together and no social distancing. It's been a long time now, how long can they put their lives on hold? There's nothing else for them right now.

Bobbythebulldog Sat 06-Jun-20 20:44:52

I don’t think it’s right at all. I’m so disappointed in dd and don’t know what’s going on in her head.

nex18 Sun 07-Jun-20 07:03:06

Personally I think the problem is the rule. Seeing his gf should be allowed and then he wouldn’t be breaking a rule. Parties or large gatherings are different. So I’d use the general rule of parenting despite him being an adult and pick your battles. Blind eye to seeing the gf but a serious conversation about seeing the friends too.

NoHardSell Sun 07-Jun-20 07:17:05

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Eyewhisker Sun 07-Jun-20 07:17:07

Pigs - older people are personally at risk from the virus so have a strong personal incentive to social distance, young people are not at risk so for them it is pure altruism. Young people are also much much more likely to be looking for their first job.

For older people, lockdown means spending more time with their family which can be fun. Young people are biologically programmed to want to go out and make friends, find a life partner etc. It is unnatural for them to stay at home with their parents and the government has actually criminalised them staying overnight at their boyfriends/girlfriends. That is absolutely crazy. They should never have introduced a law that they don’t intend to enforce as it just makes a mockery of all laws and rules.

user1487194234 Sun 07-Jun-20 07:48:02

He is an adult so it's his call
Obviously you can say no to his girlfriend staying at your house
I feel so sorry for young people they have had such a rough ride and their futures aren't looking brilliant

pigsDOfly Sun 07-Jun-20 09:51:55

Eyewhisker Yes, I understand it's difficult for young people but people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s also have lives that have been impacted on massively.

A great many people who have been furloughed will have no jobs to go back to. A lot of small businesses will have collapsed and as a consequence people will lose their homes.

There seems to be a consensus on MN that the only people dying are those that are already on the scrapheap. That's not the case. Many people are dying in their middle years, people who still had years ahead of them and productive lives to live: doctors, nurses, care workers being among them. Not everyone who has died has been old.

The idea that the rules were only put in place to protect the aged makes no sense and, give the enormous death toll in care homes didn't help many of them anyway.

They were put in place because the scientists advising governments had no idea how this was going to impact on the general population. And in truth we still don't know what long term damage this virus might have on people's bodies.

If people, of whatever age, mix freely they are going to bring infection to the more vulnerable in society. That doesn't just mean old people, that could be your mother, father, brother, sister and any other relation who might have some underlying unknown condition.

Of course we can't all stay locked in our homes for months on end for many reason, it's not sensible to think we can, but death rates are still very high here and a little bit of caution still needs to be exercised if we are not to continue with a daily death rate up in three figures for months to come.

Bobbythebulldog Sun 07-Jun-20 10:24:01

pigsDOfly I agree. There is going to be a serious conversation here about this. Dd really only thinks about herself and it’s disrespectful when she is living here and exposing us and everyone else to this virus, however small she perceives the risk to be. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was only one person she was seeing but it’s not so the risk is multiplied.

Of course we can’t stay locked up forever but I think things are pretty relaxed in that they can go out and meet up in groups of 6 here in England but she is really taking the piss now.

PaddlingPoolAgain Sun 07-Jun-20 12:12:49

Eyewhisker Pigs - older people are personally at risk from the virus so have a strong personal incentive to social distance, young people are not at risk so for them it is pure altruism.

Plenty of people are not at risk from the virus so are following the rules out of altruism. You seem to be missing out all the people who are not "young" but not "old/frail".

For older people, lockdown means spending more time with their family which can be fun. Young people are biologically programmed to want to go out and make friends, find a life partner etc. It is unnatural for them to stay at home with their parents and the government has actually criminalised them staying overnight at their boyfriends/girlfriends.

We are ALL banned from staying over at other's houses, including boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/whatever is acceptable on MN to say for relationships for adults (?!) Those without their own families are presumably biologically programmed to seek out the companioship of others, as all humans are. These things don't just apply to young people. They will have plenty of time to find a life partner - I feel more for those in their 30s with screaming biological clocks who may actually miss out completely now.

pigsDOfly Sun 07-Jun-20 12:23:36

Bobbythebulldog It's difficult when one's children are adults to make rules. I was never the type to tell my kids 'while you're under my roof you'll live by my rules' and from your post I imagine you're the same, but in this instance I think perhaps it's justified. Your DD shouldn't be causing you to feel at risk in your own home.

One of my DDs has started meeting up more with friends and her partner stayed over at a friend's house. Can't say I'm happy about it but they are in their 30s and as they don't live with me I make no comment. If they did live with me I definitely wouldn't keep quiet about it.

Our lockdown here has been pretty easy compared with some countries. My DS and his partner live in Spain and were not allow to leave the house for anything other than shopping for food or going to a pharmacy. That was tough but Spain saw their death rates fall dramatically so maybe it was the right thing to do.

I think a great many people have had enough now and are starting to take their chances.

Just wish it would all go away and life could go back to how it used to be.

Bobbythebulldog Sun 07-Jun-20 12:59:13

Yes I’ve never said my house my rules to dd although I might have been thinking it plenty of times. If she didn’t live with us I wouldn’t know or care, but she does and I cannot ignore it.

I’m not feeling bad about being more at risk tbh, it’s just the overall picture and I’m afraid if we don’t follow the guidelines it’s going to drag on for a long time yet.
It’s my opinion and I don’t know what to do about it if she refuses to take any notice ☹️

BogRollBOGOF Sun 07-Jun-20 13:10:19

The cost-benefit analysis has fallen heavily on young adults. They are at minimal risk of serious harm from the virus, but hit hard by disruption to education and employment in vulnerable sectors. Social interactions beyond their households are still an important part of development which is not yet complete.

I'd be discouraging big groups, especially indoors, but I wouldn't have the heart to ban normal interactions in close relationships, especiall at this stage after so long. It's a very different situation to March/ April.

Juliet2014 Sun 07-Jun-20 13:19:50

How old is ds3?

Flittingabout Sun 07-Jun-20 13:25:03

In my circle no one would admit this because a few of us have lost either relatives or colleagues to the virus so friends' adult kids being allowed to break the rules would not go down well.

My one friend has told her adult son if you want to see your girlfriend you have to move your relationship forward now and move in together, she isn't coming here. I completely understand this.

The more people who get the virus the most those caring for them are likely to die.

Mrsplantpot Sun 07-Jun-20 13:28:40

It’s indoor gatherings I’m most concerned about because the weather has turned bad there is no way mine would be sitting outside all night. Also car sharing going on a lot.

I agree bobbythebulldog although it’s not right, if mine didn’t live at home I wouldn’t be any the wiser so wouldn’t be bothered.

MadameMarie Sun 07-Jun-20 13:30:30

The youth don't care about the virus as the risk is low.

Mrsplantpot Sun 07-Jun-20 13:34:58

Yes it’s low for them. What about the people they are potentially spreading it to? I can’t believe all young people just don’t care. Except mine ☹️

MadameMarie Sun 07-Jun-20 13:39:15

Mrsplantpot

Yes it’s low for them. What about the people they are potentially spreading it to? I can’t believe all young people just don’t care. Except mine ☹️

They don't give a shit is the answer.

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