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Pressurising in law over 5 month old

(12 Posts)
Huddersfieldlass Fri 05-Jun-20 07:01:19

Hi

Please can i have some advice about how to handle a pressurising in-law. I had a son in January a long awaited son after 5 losses which included death of a son at 35 weeks pregnancy in 2018.

Its unfortunate after having our son in january this year we were so happy but it timed with my partners grandmas serious decline in health of cancer. To the point his mother didnt come to hospital to see our son and only visited twice before lockdown started. She lives 40 mins away. We did go up to see her once. But i also went back into hospital for a few days after his birth because i was unwell so didnt travel far myself.

I find his mother to be very demanding with my partner, she gives advice without being asked for it but her advice is very out of date and gets offended if we dont do things her way. She seems to believe I should bring up our son as she did with her two sons nearly 40 years ago.

My partners grandma has passed away sadly and his extended family have come back to the area to help sorting out her house (although they shouldnt during coronavirus regs). Shes pressurising me and my partner into taking our son up to meet them inside her home.

As well as the fact they want to do a wake for his grandma after funeral and again would like our son to attend. Ive already said no to my partner, ive tried to compromise and suggested going to see his mum so she can see baby on her own. Or her coming here so can have a barbeque in garden. But again thats not enough for her.

i think he is getting pressure from his mother to do this her way to see the whole family. I have seen his brother and sister inlaw for a walk outside with their sons round a park for an hour. But thats not enough for her she wants our son to meet the extended family cousins etc that have gathered for his grandmas funeral.

After what we have been through iam very scared of covid, for myself and my son particularly i dont get why she cant understand that. But it feels like she wants to make me look unreasonable. Can I get some advice please how to deal with her ? Or advice if you think im being unreasonable ? Advice how to deal with my partner as well, i feel like hes scared to stand up to his mother. Thank you

OP’s posts: |
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Fri 05-Jun-20 07:38:33

You need to learn to be assertive because, otherwise, your MIL is going to rule your life. Ditto your husband. You need to set out your boundaries and stick to them, irrespective of Covid-19:

'MIL, hopefully it won't be too long before the family can all see baby son and we look forward to that time but it won't be until the Govt's guidelines change. We are happy to meet up with you outside by yourself but, sadly, you will not be able to hold baby son yet. Perhaps we can plan something for the future in memory of grandma as households can't mix so we cannot attend a wake.'

Your DH and you need to be in the same page over this or he at least needs to respect your wishes and understand your concerns.

onalongsabbatical Fri 05-Jun-20 07:44:33

You are not being remotely unreasonable - she is being overbearing and trying to take control.
You and your DH are going to have to learn to stand up to her and not take this nonsense, I'm afraid. It's hard when you've got the little one to concern you, but if you put it off it'll be harder to get on top of.
Congratulations on your lovely baby. YOUR baby. Not hers. You make the rules.

Haretodaygonetomorrow Fri 05-Jun-20 07:44:52

Yes, now is the time to assert yourselves unless you want to live under her rule. Don’t negotiate with her, just repeat like a broken record that you’ll only meet her within the current guidelines. Or even better, leave it to your partner to tell her.

canigooutyet Fri 05-Jun-20 07:45:17

Tell her no I am following the social distance guidelines.
And if it comes to it tell her straight - if she cared about her precious sons she wouldn’t want to kill them. She might jeopardising people’s life’s but you don’t.

I’m all in for social distancing meetings. But that? Not a chance and honestly I would end up telling her to fuck off. That’s just me as I can only tolerate so much from those who need to get a life of their own and leave my alone.

Or give her a rock to smother. I’d suggest a plant but Wouldn’t subject one to living with often toxic people.

canigooutyet Fri 05-Jun-20 07:53:02

Does she even realise there a limit on how many will be able to go and the restrictions?

Have a look at the freedom program and try and also get him to have a look. It might help him stand up to her. Some therapy or something as well for him, could you try and convince him to see his gp?

He will side with her. Not because he doesn’t love you guys but because well he grew up there. He knows the consequences of going against her. Once he gets there he will realise what a great job she did.

Might have to throw in something dirty to her to remind her how great she’s done. Oh she will deny or have a millions reasons why it’s nothing to do with how he was raised by both his parents.

ifonly4 Fri 05-Jun-20 08:18:26

Rules are meet outside, up to six people. If you include your son, there's already four. If she has transport, might be better to meet somewhere for a picnic, that way she can't then pressurise you to stay longer, so inside, use toilet.

We don't know how long these restrictions will last, so better to see a few in the summer while it's a bit warmer. If she won't agree, her loss

TravelDreamLife Fri 05-Jun-20 09:10:36

She is like my MIL, who I've had 20 years of dealing with. Just say no, say why & express politely and firmly that you won't discuss it again & refuse to engage further. Make sure your DH understands your reasoning or he'll push you to placate her.

If you don't stand your ground now you're in for a lifetime of being made to think your wants & needs are unreasonable.

Deelish75 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:02:23

I had similar with my own mum. If your DP finds it difficult to stand up to her it will be because she has conditioned him to always do what she wants. Read up on FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It's only once he starts to come out of that will he start standing up to her. I recommend a book - Toxic Parents and Toxic In Laws by Susan Foreward. The toxic parents book really helped my in standing up to my mum.

My mum was pushy about all sorts of thing - when I weaned DS, what I chose to dress him in, how I would load my dishwasher, how I would separate my colours when doing the laundry (you get the picture) I felt I couldn't do anything without her trying to "change" it, it was about total control. I actually started to challenge my mum - "no I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU I am doing it this way, at this time, etc. Why do you keep pushing?" Which of course she didn't have an answer for. She was very good at manipulating - "I'm only trying to help" no she wasn't - helping was the last thing on her mind. The book I recommended was very good at identifying manipulation.

As I pushed back on her control and manipulation she became vindictive in her behaviour towards me and the kids and I am now non contact. I told her that had to stop and she went off in a narcissistic sulk. She has never apologised to us for her vindictive behaviour but she still sends the kids presents which I used to send back but I realised it was part of her game so now I give them to charity. Her vindictive behaviour meant the kids suffered and I don't want them to have anything from her.

YANBU about the party at her house. You have to be very assertive with her and take none of her crap otherwise she will ride roughshod over you.

Deelish75 Fri 05-Jun-20 11:06:04

Also going forward have a look on the relationships boards, they are a lot of people giving very good advice regarding overbearing parents/parents in law. You're not alone in this situation.

Huddersfieldlass Fri 05-Jun-20 14:18:18

I say no believe me but she gets to me via my partner her son. She has him under the thumb. Her other daughter in law has two children 5 and 7 , her daughter in law hates her and does not get on with her for all the same reasons, giving an inch to her and her trying to take a mile. She likes to dominate and tell us how to parent. For instance she told me to put weetabix in babies milk to make him sleep longer.. she didnt like it because i said times have changed and thats not something i would ever do. She still asks my partner what times my son wakes up during the night to question why im not following her advice. I personnally only use a dummy a limited amount she told my partner my son should use it more and out sugar on the dummy to make him take it. She has all sorts of crazy advice ready to give me and takes personnel offence if im not following it. For years to be honest i never fully understood why the sister in law didnt get on with her before we had a child i didnt see this crazy side of her now i have i totally get why she doesnt get on with her. Theres lots of things, i wasnt very well after the birth and actually ended up back in hospital i was very unwell. When we got home however she turned up invited with one of the extended family. Asking lots of personnel details about what had happened which i wasnt ready to go through. My son cried when she was there ans i was looking after him she wanted to take him off me, not in a nice way to help she has a way of making me feel like an incomptent mother she has no sensitivity. I was very upset after they left and my partner and i had a row. I dont want to have the same relationship with her as my partners sister in law but already can tell she just has no respect for me as a mother to my son. Its very difficult. She doesnt come to me directly she goes via my partner which then causes issues between us as hes very much under her control. I know from his brother and sister in law they have gone through this for years to the point that the relationship is very broken and no trust on either side. Ive learnt its impossible to confide in her because she gossips around the rest of the family, who also have a very strained relationship with her sometimes speaking sometimes not. She seems to always have something to say about everyone. Honestly i could go on.

I do love my partner dearly but i can see it ckming between us more and more.

I wont be taking the baby to see her extended family as its impossible to compromise with her ie meet outside etc although i will suggest it i know she wont do that as it has to be her way or no way.

Sorry for the rant just reallt difficult situation with her. Im trying to be the bigger person ans grin and bare it when around her. But she makes it very hard.

Thanks for all your advice

OP’s posts: |
canigooutyet Fri 05-Jun-20 17:58:55

Team up with your sil.
Between the two of you you will be able to handle her.

I don’t understand why some posters have put up with this behavior. These people are toxic. They bring stress and anxiety. They cause issues everywhere. You don’t need these types of
People around your children. It’s not your fault if any of you say yea bye.

It’s those toxic people’s fault. Yes it’s hard. When I went through it I asked myself would I accept this from a random person on the street? No I wouldn’t so why do I take it from those who are supposed to love and care for me. If it was a partner they’d have been to fuck off within the first couple of months.

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