'Friends' and Coronavirus

[TomorrowAlways]

Does anyone else feel really alone right now? I've always had health anxiety and am finding this time particularly difficult. I 'm also caring for my vulnerable parents with several health problems who are in their eighties. I've struggled with infertility for years. In my group of friends three friends have recently had a baby, they are constantly posting pictures of their babies, I completely understand this as I would be over the moon too but I feel like I can't talk to them about how my life is spiraling into worry over my parents and depression about my ongoing infertility.

Another group of friends are keyworkers, one is a doctor and the other a teacher. They have been working with the public the whole time of this crisis. I have said how I am finding it difficult to leave the house to go for walks, I am terrified I will get infected and pass the virus onto my parents...the other day I sent a message talking about how I'm getting a facemask and I might feel more able to leave the house, they sent a message saying 'she is worrying again' and an eyeroll icon...they apologized as they realised they sent it to me but it really hurts. I feel like I've got noone to talk to apart from my husband. All my 'friends' have disappeared during this crisis. I think they were only friends for good times like coffee, dinners and cinema etc...Now that I'm struggling mentally and emotionally I've got noone to talk to. It actually makes it worse talking to them because I feel they either pity, ridicule, look down on me or ignore me, I am feeling like I want to go with my husband somewhere in the middle of nowhere and leave everyone else behind but I love my parents and I could never leave them. I don't feel I will ever feel the same about my 'friends' again. And I feel sad about that, it feels like a loss.

[bellinisurge]

Bloody hell. Poor you. All I can say is I noticed your post and I am sorry this is so tough. Time hasn't stopped and all the stuff you were dealing with hasn't gone away. It's being amplified.

[WhiteChocTwix]

@TomorrowAlways Yes I feel like this! A long standing key worker friend isn't talking to me at the moment because we are having opposing lockdown worries. I think alot of people are under hidden additional pressure atm. I also feel upset and like this is a massive loss, not sure what to do about it atm.

Until you've been through it alot of people don't realise how responsible and emotionally draining it is when you effectively become the parent and your parents become the children!

Be kind to yourself. Take some time away from group chats, zooms etc. I hope your facemask comes soon. Is there somewhere fairly secluded you could go for a walk during the day? We go for walks but either walk around our immediate area which is never that busy or we go to a country park up the road which is quite hidden away and most ppl don't think to go to.

[bellinisurge]

Elderly parents- that "I'll sort it; don't worry; not a problem " thing you have to fake all the time. Until you are dealing with it, you don't really understand. There's a whole topic on here - dip in when you can.
And yes, there are all sorts of stress points but it's not Top Trumps. There's all kinds of shit piled up on you just now. Be kind to yourself too.

[WhiteChocTwix]

@bellinisurge

Elderly parents- that "I'll sort it; don't worry; not a problem " thing you have to fake all the time. Until you are dealing with it, you don't really understand.

Oh god this is so accurate 😂 🤦‍♀️

[PasserbyEffect]

Just to say: OP, I don't know you, but I do care, and I hope you'll be OK!
Sorry to hear about all the worries you've been facing. It sounds really tough.
In times of crisis, people around us can get so wrapped up in their own world, they lose the ability to feel and/or express compassion. But there are people in this world who have survived other crisis, and felt alone like you currently do, and I swear most (if not all) of them right now would like to give you a big hug, hold your hand, and say "You're not alone, I've been in some dark places too, and I do care"

Practical mental health help when you can't rely on people around you for emotional support: I find listening to music, making music, and singing, can help a lot to sort through painful feelings. Especially song lyrics which match your feelings, but also offer hope.

[OneNewName]

Maybe this is a good time to decide to make other friends too when this is over - noone needs friends who see us as a drain. Could you use somebody the chat helplines? I also help your doctor and teacher have more empathy when dealing with anxiety in their jobs.

[OneNewName]

*use some of the

[lesbihonest]

I know how you feel , I’m struggling hugely as the support I had for being a carer (to my mum - not elderly but MH issues) has largely gone or been replaced by the phone . I hugely valued the hour a week I got to chill when a support worker came out .

Most of my ‘friends’ have just stopped contacting altogether which is very difficult . I had huge anxiety problems before and now feel very, very alone and desperately worried all the time . It’s so hard .

[lesbihonest]

RE the doctor/keyworker thing it’s interesting to see folks different reactions to this ... one of my fb friends is an ITU nurse and terrified ... another friend is a GP and totally blase about it, chilled out and enjoying BBQs in the sun !!

[pandarific]

I'm genuinely not meaning to be harsh, but people in general outside of your family aren't really there for that kind of emotional support, in my opinion. Having friends is 75% there for fun stuff - you get on, have things in common, enjoy each other's company, the relationship enriches your life. The other 25% is sharing your stresses, over a glass of wine or a coffee, but it has to be balanced with the other stuff or I think you risk the relationship feeling burdensome to the other person, and sadly you may lose that friend because they can't handle the emotional needs you're putting on them.

I'm not trying to be mean, honestly, I just think that kind of emotional support is thick and thin grew up together like siblings very very close friend, or family, and you'll feel better if you reset your expectations a bit.

for you, it sounds tough at the moment.

[TomorrowAlways]

Thank you all, I appreciate you all understanding and caring at this time
I think you are right panderific problem is, I am an only child and have no extended family in this country, they are all in the US/Canada/Australia so basically I only have my parents and my husband. I wish so much I had a sibling, I would give anything right now to have a sister to talk to

[TomorrowAlways]

Also my parents are not close to their siblings so I have never been close to my cousins etc despite the distance...
I have always felt very isolated, and even more so now. I thought at least I had my friends but I don't think I've really got that either...my husband however is incredible but he can't be everything all the time x

[crustycrab]

I disagree with @pandarific. I'm always there to listen to my friends worries and I care. Properly. As much as I do about family in some cases.

It's particularly hurtful that you know people are talking about you behind your back. I couldn't be the same with them again in all honesty

[WhiteChocTwix]

If you were my friend OP I'd also want to know. Definitely try and find somewhere secluded you can go for a walk with hubby. Caring responsibilities are magnified so much at the moment with being stuck in. Fresh air and exercise does so much for the mind. People are generally very focused on their own problems. I'm hoping once we're all allowed to see more of each other relationships will improve again. Lockdown is such a pressure cooker of emotions.

[TomorrowAlways]

Thank you all, I think Im going to cut out the social media groups Im on, Im just going to tell them I need a break from social media, its too exhausting when I feel theyve provided no support or kindness whatsoever....I do think going forward I might need to reassess my friendships but a break seems like the best thing right now, I told them all that and I suddenly feel much more clear headed :)

[WhiteChocTwix]

@tomorrowalways that sounds like a really positive step. Don't write ppl off but have a break and put yourself first. I've messaged my friend just saying I miss her. At least she knows. Please keep in touch, sounds like lots of us are in the same boat x

[TomorrowAlways]

Thank you, sending hope to all of us

[TheGinGenie]

I also disagree, I talk to my friends about my worries far, far more than I'd talk to my family and they mean as much to me as my family do. We've seen each other through some really shit times. I think you need friends who are better at empathy and understand it a bit better, from the sounds of it. It's horrible that they were talking about you behind your back