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This is just shit, right? Right?!

(30 Posts)
BlueEggsAndSpam Wed 20-May-20 18:17:11

JFC this is endless. I don’t know how people who live alone are coping.
I’m so fucking lonely. My husband is still working full time from home and I’m on my own with a 9 month all day. We use to be very busy in the week with groups, coffees, swimming, even just doing the food shop. Now there’s nothing. No family near by for ‘socially distant walks’, I don’t know any mum friends well enough to see if they want to bend the rules to go on a socially distant walk, no pre-baby friends close enough to go on walks or they aren’t really baby types so aren’t really going to be up for me rocking up in the Tula and stopping to breast feed.
I need to stop looking at social media everyone I know seems to be furloughed and going on day trips every day! We feel very lucky that my husband isn’t furloughed as we are hoping this means his job will be relatively safe (maybe grasping at straws?!).
The baby just wants to practice crawling / walking / standing all day which is great but it means I just sort of sit next to her making sure that she doesn’t crack her head open. I can’t even mop a floor without her getting up to hijinx.
This probably isn’t helped by the fact that she wakes up multiple times a night and I’m cosleeping solo with her. I love her sooo much but it’s so flipping intense, it feels like we spend 24 hours a day alone together.

We are luckier than most. No massive financial worries. A garden. All healthy. Nobody we know has been affected by the virus. But fuck me, I am wallowing in an ocean of self pity today.

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Bluewavescrashing Wed 20-May-20 18:18:21

It is truly shit.

OrangeGinLemonFanta Wed 20-May-20 18:20:08

I found the days endlessly lonely with babies even when we were actually allowed to go places. YANBU.

Sittinonthefloor Wed 20-May-20 18:20:20

flowers it is shit.

duffeldaisy Wed 20-May-20 18:24:14

That does sound very hard. Do you have anything like a Jumperoo that you could pop her in for 5 minutes in the same room you're mopping, (while keeping an eye on her), so you can just have a few minutes of knowing she's safe and occupied while you can use both hands for a while/just have a mental break from intense vigilance?

It can be such a lonely time, especially at the moment. Are there any local support groups on social media that you can join just for a virtual meetup? Or possibly you could set one up? You're very probably not alone.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark Wed 20-May-20 18:25:25

I really feel for you Op. I still remember how isolated I felt when my now teenager was a baby, that was because of anxiety.
I've just been called back to work after furlough. It's true we are the lucky ones with jobs still there but it doesn't help I know when you are feeling isolated.
Could you put a message out on face ache to see if someone else is feeling the same. You could meet up carefully for a walk?

duffeldaisy Wed 20-May-20 18:26:07

(or rather, you definitely won't be alone! Like orangegin above, I found it really lonely and really, really intense back when there were no lockdowns, so YANB at all U).

bookworm14 Wed 20-May-20 18:28:20

YANBU, it’s fucking awful.

GettingUntrapped Wed 20-May-20 18:30:05

It's way beyond shit. Yet, I haven't read much in the press about the plight of parents cooped up with needy children, whatever age, who are literally driving them bonkers because this is a gig that you would need to be an object with no need for personal space, a sense of self or a previous life, to survive. Perhaps women are seen as not fully human, just a convenient-for-everyone else source of love and self sarcrifice.
Except we aren't, and we are suffering very badly.

picklemewalnuts Wed 20-May-20 18:30:56

I think your DH needs to enjoy his lunch breaks with your DD, while you have a quiet hour. He may also need to start doing occasional nights.

LivingThatLockdownLife Wed 20-May-20 18:31:37

aren’t really going to be up for me rocking up in the Tula and stopping to breast feed.

In the nicest way possible, FUCK THEM.

Rock up and bf. If they have an issue they're not worth knowing anyway and you've saved yourself wasted effort on dickheads.

Sorry to be rude but just meet people! Everyone is grateful for any type of human interaction right now.

BertieBotts Wed 20-May-20 18:36:41

Text the friends from your groups, if you have their numbers. I know it feels weird but there is going to be at least one other mum in exactly the same position as you.

I've been reaching out to my geographically closer friends more than the ones I'm emotionally closer to, and it's actually been nice. You can also say you completely understand if they don't feel comfortable with it.

See if there is a local mums FB group or a MN postnatal thread for your month you could join in case anyone is physically near you.

9 months is a tough age without playgroups, for sure. You can't just let them crawl around outdoors, but that's all they want to do all the time.

flamegame Wed 20-May-20 18:43:09

9 months - definitely the age where I ordered a jumperoo and another sit in and spin and play thing.

I know it’s naff but can you head to a local park with bubbles and sit on the grass for a while and just smoke and chat to people with dogs/toddlers etc? Everyone is a bit lonely and even if you don’t know people sometimes other mums will talk to you in the park.

Sympathies - I never understood loneliness until I had a baby - because you can’t concentrate and are always on semi alert so you can’t relax and read or concentrate on baking etc.

flamegame Wed 20-May-20 18:44:49

smoke that’s a weird auto correct - sit and chat!

Jezebel101 Wed 20-May-20 18:46:02

I can completely empathise. I'm wfh with a tiny baby and because of my husbands job I'm doing everything with no help or relief. The work I'm doing is particularly stressful and often distressing, and all I do is work, try to nap with the baby, feed the baby, comfort the baby, change and bath the baby and back to work again. It is sh*t, with more sh*t on top.

It won't be forever. Hang on to that thought.

thunderthighsohwoe Wed 20-May-20 18:49:22

The baby stage is rubbish, even when you can go places. The only thing that kept me going was lunch and trips out with friends, which obviously you can’t do right now. You might have to treat it like a marathon to get through 😬

Toddlers are much more fun (and if you give them a pile of stuff to destroy they’ll leave you alone to mop and stuff)!

We’re hoping to have our frozen embryos transferred soon (bloody lockdown halted it) for #2, and I’m dreading maternity leave a lot less knowing I’ll have a toddler to keep me busy.

wonderstuff Wed 20-May-20 18:49:29

Its really shit. My world has become so small. I'm feeling crap and I'm going out to work once a week for a few hours.

I miss my friends and my plans and my heart aches for my kids who are missing friends.

Encouraging numbers today, hopefully we'll be able to start returning to some semblance of normal soon.

SmileyClare Wed 20-May-20 18:51:17

I sympathise. As great as 9 month olds are, their conversation isn't great is it?

Will dh at least take a lunch break and accompany you on a walk? Or let you have some time out?

Maybe stop looking at Facebook or whatever where everyone seems to be having a lovely time. Guaranteed mood killer.

TotorosFurryBehind Wed 20-May-20 18:55:32

If you are near Plymouth I will go on socially distanced walks with you! I am at home with a 12 month old, I also co sleep alone with her whilst DH sleeps on other room. I think the co sleeping makes it more relentless as you are never not responsible for the baby, lonely, yet never truly alone.

Jezebel101 Wed 20-May-20 19:10:58

What I wouldn't give for a day let loose in a shopping centre after a trip to the salon and a leisurely coffee break, and a night out with friends having a meal I didn't cook, having a laugh and being responsible for no one but myself, and a full night's sleep to set me up.

I remember back when I could do all that whenever I wanted. Feels like a very very long time ago.

Bhappy12 Wed 20-May-20 19:15:02

I could have written your post a week ago (only my little one is 7 months).
Does DP have any flexibility in work hours? This last week my husband has been taking long lunches and spending time with me and the baby for a few hours. Then he just works later in the evening when the baby is in bed. It's actually quite nice as I get some proper me time and we get family time in the middle of the day, too. Its really saved my sanity!

I've also arranged socially distanced walks with a friend and a couple of family members for the next few weeks.
Baby sensory are still doing classes, all online, and other baby groups are, too.
I've enjoyed the sensory classes a lot. It's not the same as the actual groups, but it's a chance to chat and feel less alone. smile

Sunshinegirl82 Wed 20-May-20 19:20:31

12 month old and 3 year old here with DH still working. I’m going out of my mind! DS2 has just started walking and is only interested in activities that put him at significant risk of physical harm.

My 3 year old wants me to be a dinosaur and play dinosaur racing for 10 hours a day.

I co sleep with 12 month old whilst DH co sleeps with 3 year old when he wakes in the night. Still breastfeeding too.

I had to ask DH to take 1 day holiday a week midweek to break it up as I wasn’t sure my mental health would take it otherwise. Is that something you could look at? I find knowing I only have to do 2 days at a time makes it slightly more bearable.

I completely get where you are coming from, it’s the epitome of shit.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 20-May-20 19:23:11

I feel you op except mine are a 5 yl and the babies are 5 months.
What time does DH quell? Mine gets the kids up most mornings as I do nights with them. He has lunch with us so he usually makes it. As soon as he's down from work it's evens so I cook tea, he looks after ask the kids, he does bedtime whilst I have the babies etc how much is he helping?
Is baby bf? Can you get out at weekends or after work for a walk without her?

I haven't read much in the press about the plight of parents cooped up with needy children... . Perhaps women are seen as not fully human, just a convenient-for-everyone else source of love and self sarcrifice. I think that's overly dramatic. Do we really need the news or press to be remote interviewing mothers who are looking after their kids saying it's hard work?

BlueEggsAndSpam Wed 20-May-20 19:25:41

Whoops - I think I’ve sold my husband short there! grin
He gets up in the morning with the baby so I get that time to catch up on sleep; he makes lunch and dinner for us grown ups; goes for a short walk with us most afternoons; and bless him, keeps asking ‘how can we make this better for you?’ every time I complain. But short of finding a cure for The Rona there isn’t much that can be done. Oh and on the nights, he asks pretty much everyday if I want him to have the baby overnight but she’s bf and does most of her feeding overnight so the faff of all the pumping doesn’t seem worth it.

@TotorosFurryBehind not near Plymouth unfortunately, otherwise I’d be so up for it! sad

@flamegame I did raise my eyes at smoke in the park but I didn’t like to judge blush

We do have a jumperoo but she gets the absolute rage when we put her in it now. She quite likes going in her highchair but I feel like she spends quite a bit of time in it per day (3 meals, dinner with us and sometimes whilst we cook dinner) so I feel a bit guilty putting her in it to watch me do chores and I don’t want her to go off it.

She had an absolute laughing fit over the dog whilst we ate dinner so I’m feeling a bit better now!

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BlueEggsAndSpam Wed 20-May-20 19:29:52

@Sunshinegirl82 ooooof I hear you there on the ‘only interested in activities that put that at risk significant of physical harm’ grin
Husband was about to take some annual leave but the person he mainly works with has had to take bereavement leave so that’s off the table. (Not that I begrudge them having to take the leave of course!)

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