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Helping everyone is starting to wear thin

(40 Posts)
Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 11:33:44

I know I sound like a bitch and I feel like one but it’s going on so long now and it’s getting too much. DH is a key worker, he’s out of the house 6 days a week for 8 hours a day. I’m holding the fort at home with DC. I’m high risk due to an autoimmune disease so I can’t help with the shopping.

On his day off or before work during the week he’s doing food shopping for us, my parents, his parents and our neighbour. We then have to deliver the shopping which is an hour round trip in 2 different directions.

I’m happy to do this for our parents as they’ve done far more to support us over the years.

Our neighbour is shielding and we’re walking her dog daily too. It’s just all too much now. It’s taking so much time, time when I need some support or company at home. Our neighbour could do an online shop but doesn’t want to.

I’m just at the end of my tether. Just wanted to moan really.

OP’s posts: |
SunbathingDragon Tue 19-May-20 11:36:11

Do you have a community or local area support group that has been set up to help people shielding? If so, I’d see if your neighbour can get help there for groceries and her dog being walked.

Why can’t your parents and in-laws get online deliveries?

INeedNewShoes Tue 19-May-20 11:36:30

I suppose people are lonely so they use 'needing' your DH to do the shopping to get communication!

I understand your frustration. I don't think its fair for anyone who could be getting an online shop to be sending someone else out to do their shopping.

Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 12:23:51

I really don’t feel like I can tell our parents that we can’t help anymore, they’ve done so much for us over the years.

It’s our neighbour on top of it that I’m struggling with I suppose. She has a daughter who lives an hour away. I thought I might have had a thankyou off her by now for looking after her mum but we’ve heard nothing. She did set her up with online shopping but the neighbour is really quite specific with her shopping lists and doesn’t always spend the minimum amount of £40 (I think it was Sainsbury’s) so she said she didn’t want to use it. No but you’re happy for DH to do it for you. I walk the dog daily too. We’ve saved her a small fortune in dog walkers.

I feel so horrible complaining. She is very lonely. Somethings got to give though as this could go on for a really long time for her.

DH is off today and it’s taken him literally all morning to do the shopping for everyone. He’s leaving now to deliver it all. He’s shattered.

OP’s posts: |
Troels Tue 19-May-20 12:30:29

Maybe have your parents and inlaws shop delivered every other week, give the poor man a day off once in a while.
I'd contct the local helpers look on facebook, as it seems there are a lot of volunteers about helping walk dogs and do shopping. It shouldn't all fall on yu and your Dh.
If she wants to be so fussy abou when her food is from she can stand in line and do it.
I shop for my mother too, she accepts subsitutions and things are missing and doesn't care where I shop she knows we do our best.

SpringBlossomIsBeautiful Tue 19-May-20 12:32:26

I hear you OP
I’m shopping for 3 families who haven’t been for 10 weeks.
I genuinely think they have no idea about queuing etc.
The shopping is adding about 5 hours on to my working week.
I’m shattered 😫

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks Tue 19-May-20 12:34:19

The community group idea is a good one. We had a leaflet through our door I think from the parish council. If I were you I'd call them myself (hopefully you have one locally), find out what is available, get all the info and speak to your neighbour about organising it. The dog walking is also a lot to expect every day, could you maybe suggest she organises a dog walker to take the pressure off you? Again maybe take the time to find local ones so she has no excuse. You can still be a good neighbour and keep an eye out for her but you have enough to deal with and have to take care of yourselves too.
Would your parents be open to trying online shopping if they haven't already?
I also shop for 3 people, it is a lot to manage, I'm happy to do it but it is time consuming plus I'm a key worker too so I know how tiring this all must be for your husband.
Hang in there OP, it won't be forever and things will get better. But do look after yourself and your family and try some of the suggestions to make life easier.

Microwaveoven Tue 19-May-20 12:35:58

Honestly just get over it. I know your just having a winge but it does seem a bit silly.

Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 12:37:53

And there’s no end in sight! I’m hoping they’ll all figure it out for themselves soon without me having to say anything.

My neighbour suddenly feels like my responsibility. She’s upset a lot, she gets upset about having to ask us. I actually think she’d feel much better if she did online shopping, it’d give her her independence back.

She’s shielding and has literally not stepped foot over her doorstep for 10 weeks. When I walk her dog I really don’t see anyone. I think it’d be good for her mental health to walk her dog, she could go early in the morning. Everyone’s very respectful of social distancing around here. I don’t feel like it’s my place to suggest it to her though.

OP’s posts: |
LilacTree1 Tue 19-May-20 12:38:33

You’re doing far too much

The neighbour needs to ask other friends or use the volunteer service or get deliveries

Sorry to ask, but I’m hearing so many weird stories....can the parents really not shop themselves or shop online?

LilacTree1 Tue 19-May-20 12:39:49

“ I don’t feel like it’s my place to suggest it to her though.”

You’re walking her dog, I think you’re entitled to point out that shielding is advice, not an order. But she really needs to get someone else to walk the dog.

B1rdbra1n Tue 19-May-20 12:40:18

If you put the red shoes on you have no choice but to dance yourself to death

Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 12:40:48

I’m going back to work next month so I think we’ll continue as we are until then and then I’ll have to say something or we’re just not going to manage it all and it’s not sustainable long term. When we offered to help I thought it’d be for a couple of months tops.

OP’s posts: |
WeveGottaGetTherouxThis Tue 19-May-20 12:41:12

Could either set of parents collect their food from you?

I’m shopping for my elderly grandparents and can only drop their food off around the timings of my young DC and husband’s long work hours. I phoned them this morning to get their shopping list and they were about to go to the garden centre!! I think I may have to ask them to collect from me in future if they’re prepared to go to the garden centre. I feel harsh, but I’m spreading myself thin as it is.

B1rdbra1n Tue 19-May-20 12:42:13

The exploiters have put a secret sign on you so that others of their kind will know that you are easy to manipulate and enslave

LilacTree1 Tue 19-May-20 12:42:56

OP are you reading any replies? Or you just want to be a martyr?

Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 12:43:17

Yeh I realise we’ve got ourselves into this and we’re going to have make a change. Just not doing the neighbours would make a big difference.

OP’s posts: |
B1rdbra1n Tue 19-May-20 12:43:31

They were about to go to the garden centre
did you not realise that your role is to do the menial work for them so they can go out and have a nice time and enjoy themselves?

LilacTree1 Tue 19-May-20 12:43:45

“ I phoned them this morning to get their shopping list and they were about to go to the garden centre!! ”

They need to start their own shopping again. Can’t you see they’re taking the piss?

Opoly54 Tue 19-May-20 12:44:40

LilacTree1 there’s no need to be rude. I’m just venting on here. I’m not being a martyr at all.

OP’s posts: |
LilacTree1 Tue 19-May-20 12:45:46

Sorry OP. You should have said you didn’t want replies.

FlexibleFox Tue 19-May-20 12:47:08

I think you need to start by saying no to your neighbour. There is no reason at all why their daughter can’t do the online shop instead.

For your parents and in laws, do they drive? If so maybe set them up with a click and collect online account so they can go and collect they shopping themselves. You can still do the ordering if they are not confident with the technology.

NaturalBornWoman Tue 19-May-20 12:48:04

If your neighbour has access to delivery slots but doesn’t necessarily spend enough why don’t you share the slot and get your own shopping too? Also, have you been told you’re vulnerable and can’t go shopping or have you decided that for yourself? It’s becoming much clearer who is and isn’t at high risk now and most younger people are very low risk.

Herpesfreesince03 Tue 19-May-20 12:48:48

You don’t have to complain op. Just state a fact. You’ve bitten off more than you can chew trying to help people and you’re spreading yourself too thin. I’d tell both sets of parents that you’ll help them if they’re stuck, but could they please do their best to do their shopping online. As for the neighbour, she’s not your responsibility. If you can contact the daughter I’d tell her she needs to encourage her mother to do a shop online, or perhaps she could do a weekly/fortnightly shop for her mother and you could maybe do milk/bread top ups in between, and you’ll only have time to walk the dog twice a week, she’ll need to make alternative arrangements for the other days

Microwaveoven Tue 19-May-20 12:49:07

Just explain clearly, politely and to the point that you are unable to help with shopping. Give them 2 weeks to sort something else. Simple.

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