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My DFs comments - AIBU to think this is bonkers?(42 Posts)
So DF is only coming up to his 50s and generally healthy/works is in good shape and active - this is relevant so no one assumes he might be elderly and/or of limited faculties.
I know him and DM have been missing seeing their only DGC - my DCs as they haven't seen them since about 2 weeks before lockdown begun. I've seen them about 3 times from a distance either through their fence or from end of driveway and had a quick chat.
Video chatting is a bit limited as DCs are both under 5 so attention span is non existent and they have a minute on and run off to play.
Spoke to DF today and he asked if I've maybe thought about coming over with DCs soon, I pointed out that we are still partly in lockdown (me and DH either WFH/furloughed and just pop out for groceries and are otherwise staying put) and we will have to wait and see what gets announced.
The thing is I know even if I popped over and the plan was to keep DCs in the garden so DPs can see them through the window/have a little chat and socially distance I know for a fact they would find an excuse to come out and ignore the distancing/open the bifold Windows and sooner or later break the rules to suit themselves.
So I basically said let's wait and see what the announcements bring. DF said its fine to visit as we are all related and have and I quote "the same antibodies" as each other so we and DCs would cope fine if we did catch it - he thinks he has already had it earlier in the year (which is a possibility) and recovered ok so there shouldn't be a risk.
AIBU to think this is a completely bonkers statement?! I asked him how can he say something like that like its a fact and he said he has been on this earth quite a few more years than me and knows some things.
To me he's basically saying his need to see my DCs trumps their health and wellbeing because and I quote again "even if they did catch it they'd be fine and recover because we all have the same antibodies" .
I am currently sat here wondering if lockdown has made him loose his mind...
Not to mention
- he's still working so not isolating or really self distancing with colleagues (self employed)
- he cannot be certain he did have it
Am I overreacting?
Your father wants to see his grandchildren. The risk to them is so incredibly tiny that your reaction is way way way out of proportion.
If my parents weren't so elderly I would take DC to visit, no question.
You seem to be missing the point of social distancing. He's not saying his need to see them trumps your children's health and wellbeing, he's saying it trumps his. He's the one most at risk in this situation, not your children.
Think of it this way:
for their to be a risk to your children, your father would have had to catch covid somewhere at just the right time to have no symptoms and still be infectious. He would then have to engage with the children long enough at close enough proximity to pass that infection on to them. Your children would then have to be among the absolutely tiny number of children who actually get ill. You have more chance of winning the euromillions than that happening, especially as I'm sure you have enough sense to ensure that your father engages with the children in a safe way.
I really can't believe that people are so afraid of such a tiny risk that they would actually think it's better for grandparents not to have the joy of seeing their grandchildren. If you feel that way, at what point does that change?
Do you intend to prevent him from seeing his grandchildren for years? What if, god forbid, he's unlucky enough to die from one of the many other risks that are out there - stroke, heart disease, car accident? Will you then feel that it was worth it for him not to see the people he loves?
I really worry how much people struggle to put this into perspective.
I have grandchildren and whatever I might wish their health comes first, he’s being selfish.
@TheDailyCarbuncle I'm sure you have enough sense to ensure that your father engages with the children in a safe way. - if you read my post I mention how I know they will not stick by the rules and socially distance.
They've tried to break the rules when I came to visit and it's extremely awkward, I saw my DF approaching me from his door when I was at the end of the driveway, I got in my car and rolled down the window, he then proceeded to try and lean on the open window and stick his head inside the car. They kept inviting me to come inside the house too. I can imagine it would be impossible to keep my 2 under 5s at bay if their DGPs who they haven't seen in a few weeks opened the door and asked them to come in.
It is against the regulations to visit someone else’s house for a visit.
And also what if me or DH caught it as a result? Or DM and DF caught it? - of course in their heads they're fine as they have "strong antibodies" and can fight anything like that off of course.
So the question I'll ask you again is, how long are you going to prevent him from seeing them?
To answer your Q OP - yes it is a bonkers (and false) statement about the antibodies. If he's using that kind of logic to guide the way he distances/ keeps himself and others at low risk from catching it, I would not have any confidence that he could keep socially distanced.
He's probably at low risk from becoming seriously ill from it but he's still seemingly trying to go against the rules. Personally I would try and do a 'driveway' kind of catch up but really there isn't much point with young kids as they don't exactly 'chat' on demand, they like to run, hug, interact etc.
If he's still working he's bringing that whole risk with him to you.
I'd probably come up with a friendly excuse and wait until there is some antibody testing available to him so you know what the situation actually is.
My kids' GPs live quite a long way away but I don't see that the situation is that much different (they are elderly though) - I wouldn't take the kids to see them at the moment.
Daily probably until it's safe enough for the guidelines to allow it?
What has that got to do with the OP's question?
Could you go into the garden with your children so that you could police the social distancing?
I’d just take the kids and go and meet him in the park or something. I know it’s one person meeting one other person, but you can’t help it if you accidentally come across someone you know while out can you?
@TheDailyCarbuncle I plan on seeing them when the guidelines are adjusted to allow visiting others in their homes.
Do you believe he's right and some magical "family relation antibodies" mean that none of us are at risk of catching it including them, me and DP or my DCs? Or we are all guaranteed to recover from it fine and with no need of medical assistance because of the aforementioned antibodies?
@EthelMayFergus I was thinking of staying in the garden with DCs but as I mentioned in my op I know they won't stick to it. They might say they will but then find an excuse and be all "oh come on it'll be fine" and making it really awkward and uncomfortable if I stand my ground and potentially upsetting DCs if they encourage them to come to them and I stop them and I don't really want to be facing the awkwardness...
@Quarantino do you know what would constitute 'safe enough'?
"Do you believe he's right and some magical "family relation antibodies" mean that none of us are at risk of catching it including them, me and DP or my DCs? Or we are all guaranteed to recover from it fine and with no need of medical assistance because of the aforementioned antibodies"
No of course not. But I do believe that you probably have the intelligence to know that the actual risk is really really tiny.
Assuming you're in England, we're still not supposed to be visiting each other's homes.
The patronising way he delivered his opinion to you would be enough for me to get mightily pissed off.
My dd is 3, all of my family live in a different country so we've just had to persevere with video calls. We tend to just put the phone on a shelf or something in the lounge so we can communicate whilst dd potters around.
OP this risk isn’t going anywhere so now my DM and MIL have both “properly” seen their DGC - not socially distanced. I think we have already had CV so I am a bit more relaxed now.
Oh my goodness, this is so sad. Please try at a distance m.
@KellyHall I'm not pissed off just a bit puzzled as to what sort of insider knowledge he thinks he has to be able to declare that because we are all related (me and my DCs to them ofc) we have some mystical family relation antibodies which basically mean even if we did all infect each other we would get through it fine I mean - what?
DH has been doing all shopping for his elderly parents who have been isolating from the beginning. MIL is in the at risk category. They also haven't seen DCs in weeks yet they aren't pressuring us to bring the DCs over even though they live much closer to us and have a huge garden and we know they would actually adhere to social distancing.
I'm just concerned because they can sometimes be very you give an inch they take a mile and I know coming over with DCs with intentions of social distancing they will use it as a chance to give them cuddles/have them on their laps and generally let them into the house or make it awkward if I protest.
OP, I hear you on the antibodies thing.
And we wonder why the death rate is so high in this country? If everyone thinks it’s such a small risk why are we bothering with lockdown?
The antibodies thing is nuts. How in that case would anyone catch it from a family member, which plenty of people have? And as @KellyHall said, it's the way he told you patronisingly he knew more than you!
@TheDailyCarbuncle you're hectoring the OP. She doesn't have to justify her choice to you as you seem to want.
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