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Step daughter visits

(20 Posts)
thirstyformore Fri 15-May-20 20:46:34

Appreciate a second (or more!) opinion as really not sure what we should do...

We are a family of 4. Me, DH, DD11 and DS7. Me and DH have been working from home for 9 weeks. Not seeing grandparents except at end of the garden, not going shopping unless necessary (online groceries), until this week only going out once a day etc etc. Generally following the rules. It's been mega hard as we both work full time and are trying to homeschool. DH is technically a key worker so could send kids to school but trying to reduce burden by home schooling ourselves. It's possible but is bloody hard.

DSD 16 lives in a different city. About 30 mins away. Has been coming every week/2 weeks as per the guidelines. Lives with her mum, step dad and half brother. 2 other step brothers but not sure if they still see their dad. DSD mum and step dad have very different approach to life generally to us. Could write an essay but won't.

Lots of arguments at home with DSD and mum/step dad. During lockdown there has been a big bust up. So DSD went to stay with her grandparents on mum's side. Then another bust up and now she's at aunty's house on mum's side (who has 2 kids, husband etc).

Now she wants to come to ours this weekend. My initial thought is what is the point of us keeping away from grandparents, friends, school etc if DSD is coming into our house having mixed with god knows how many other people?

Genuinely don't know how to react. My first thought was that she shouldn't come, but is that me being the evil step mother? Feel as though all the hard lockdown rules we've followed are irrelevant when you have someone in your house who has mixed with god knows how many other people.

OP’s posts: |
thirstyformore Fri 15-May-20 21:26:09

Anyone?

OP’s posts: |
covetingthepreciousthings Fri 15-May-20 21:33:57

Is anyone in your household shielding or particularly vulnerable ?

thirstyformore Fri 15-May-20 21:43:41

No. All fit and healthy.

OP’s posts: |
timetest Fri 15-May-20 21:47:38

It sounds like your DSD wants a bit of stability after these family bustups. She needs to spend time with her father. He has a family of 5 not just 4.

Wanderer1 Fri 15-May-20 21:53:50

It makes me sad that you describe yourself as a family of four, is your step daughter not part of your family then?
The reason children are allowed to visit non resident parents when adults are not allowed to visit their adult parents is that despite the same risk of transmission the risk of negative mental health outcomes on shold ten from not seeing their parent far outweighs the risk of Covid. It sounds like she needs her dad now more than ever if she is struggling with other family members.
She can make sure she showers and washes all her clothes when she arrives to minimise risk, and is of course symptom free. If you are still overly concerned then you can practice increased hand washing and basic social distancing in the house.

covetingthepreciousthings Fri 15-May-20 21:56:46

No. All fit and healthy.

In this case I think you should let her. I missed the part where you said she'd already been coming every week - 2 weeks anyway.

It sounds like she's having a tough time at home and like other posters say, she is (or should be) part of your family, not seen as an outsider to your 'family of 4'.

SuperMumTum Fri 15-May-20 22:25:49

You should definitely let her come and stay. No doubt about it.

giggly Fri 15-May-20 22:31:18

Sorry you lost me on the family of 4. How very sad that you don’t consider that you are a family of 5.
And absolutely yes she should be allowed to come to her fathers home.

Harpingon Fri 15-May-20 22:33:31

You are a family of 5.

Purplepeonies Fri 15-May-20 22:35:48

Children are allowed to go between parents so I really don't see an issue.

blubellsarebells Fri 15-May-20 22:36:04

Does your husband know you're only a family of 4?
Let her stay, im sure you wouldn't turn your own child away, its not fair to expect your husband to do the same.
Poor kid. Sounds like she needs some understanding and stability.

thirstyformore Fri 15-May-20 22:38:57

I meant a household of 4. 90% of the time. So the general consensus is that it's ok? I'm genuinely lost. Of course she needs stability but for a whole heap of reasons that are beyond this thread it's not something that can be easily solved.

It's very very difficult but I struggle with the fact I have zero control over what she does 90% of the time. Sounds like I need to get over it.

OP’s posts: |
Peggysgettingcrazy Fri 15-May-20 22:40:50

you absolutely can travel between parents house.

And you can also go stay with other people if family tensions are building.

I dont get the 'what the point of us staying away from xyz'

Because its been decided its more damaging for kids to not see their other parent or for people to stay in houses where there's tension. Obviously, that changes if someone is shielding or one parent in a high risk job. Then the risk vs damage may mean its best to not see a parent on some cases.

Yes, covid and the risks and the lockdown is shit.

But somethings do need to come in front of it. And the benefits out weigh the risk

covetingthepreciousthings Fri 15-May-20 22:50:01

So the general consensus is that it's ok?

Why would it suddenly not be ok? When you've previously had her every 1-2 weeks. Non of you are vulnerable or shielding, so it's honestly not a problem. If you're concerned ask her to change, shower and wash her clothes when she comes.

fuzzymoon Fri 15-May-20 22:51:15

You shouldn't be thinking twice about having her. I don't understand why she didn't come to you after the first argument.

SD1978 Fri 15-May-20 22:52:01

Also find it a bit hard you staying family of 4....maybe this is why she's been in so many houses recently if she feels that no one wants her. You have no vulnerabilities and she seems to be having a tough time. I'd hope her dad has her over and maybe she can find somewhere she feels welcome.

Justathinslice Fri 15-May-20 22:52:09

Yes you should let her come and stay.
And you are a family/household of 5.

AllsortsofAwkward Fri 15-May-20 23:01:50

It's clear you dont see her as part of you're family, I wouldn't be happy if dh referred to his family as a family of 4 and excluded DS we are a family of 5. It's clear shes struggling and has been coming anyway, I dont see the issue when none of you are shielding or vulnerable.

aSofaNearYou Fri 15-May-20 23:09:12

You should have posted in the step parenting board, lots of predictable, unhelpful responses about your slip of the tongue regarding household members 🙄

Why weren't you her first port of call, before other random family members, when she decided to leave her mum's? Children are allowed to travel between their two parents but that doesn't mean they should be staying with other relatives as well, that totally changes the situation. I don't think it is unreasonable to be less willing to have her as a result, she has been breaking lockdown rules and should have consulted you before doing so if she planned on continuing to visit. That is the reality of living under lockdown.

I would perhaps suggest waiting two weeks since she moved household, assuming she is somewhere where people are reasonably obeying lockdown currently.

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