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Scared upset and angry

(58 Posts)
insideyourkit Sat 09-May-20 00:00:14

Tonight my DH took a plastic charity bag from our letter box and then came upstairs with a drink for us both. He started to get undressed. I asked “did you take that bag from the letter box?” I asked just in case I’d been mistaken. He said yes so I reminded him about washing his hands with it been plastic.
His reaction was an angry “oh woman.” He then went out of the room, He went downstairs and I thought I heard the living room door open. He came back up, (I’m not sure if he’d gone to get his book) turned lights off, got undressed, scratched his face, started to read his book.
Because he has lost patience with me mentioning or insisting on the government advised measures and precautions - (The fact that I have had anxiety issues also seems to make him think I’m over reacting all the time) -
I said “I hope there wasn’t any virus on that bag.”
His response “It’s fine.”
“Why is it fine?”
“Do you want me to sleep downstairs? It’s fine”
I got up, wiped the upstairs light switch he’d touched then I went downstairs and wiped what I thought he might have touched, washed my hands, came back up and got back in bed. Then realised he’d touched the cups too.
“What about the cups?”
His response, “as soon as you mentioned the plastic I went and washed my hands downstairs.”
“But you still touched the cups.”
“I’m fine with it, if you're not ok go and do something about it.”
So if he’d washed his hands that meant that the tap switch needed cleaning, it also meant that I’d washed my hands and retouched that tap switch and subsequently touched my bedding, the kitchen roll possibly and what else? I went back down and cleaned the tap switch and everything else again. Also if he’d washed his hands why did he react like he did and then not say, I’ve washed my hands?!
Now I’m feeling contaminated again.
I was only just starting to feel safe again after he’d gotten some post a couple of days ago and opened it and then went though the house without cleaning his hands. His reaction when told about his hands was huffy. I had to clean the door handles too, it wouldn’t occur to him to do that.
I don’t know if he really thinks it’s not possible to catch it that way or he’s being contrary (thinks it’s an unnecessary because of my anxiety) or if it’s just not occurring to him to do these things.
What makes it worse is that our dd has asthma so I’m wanting to protect her as much as possible. I’ve been ill recently so I’ve already been isolating as advised by the doctor just in case, and we’ve all been social distancing in our house since I last went to work until the last couple of days. Also my aunt has just died of the virus so I know how real it can be.
So, I’m scared the virus is in our house now after all the precautions I have been rigorous in keeping.
I’m upset that my DH looks at me like I’m not worth bothering with every time I mention anything about cleaning/washing.
I’m angry at his reaction and thoughtlessness (I have held off reminding him of measures and then realised he’s not going to do anything about it so I’ve had to remind him and clean up after him.)

Is anyone else’s partner like this?
I do get that he might be fed up with my ‘anxiety’ but when there is a good reason and it’s just following guide lines, I don’t know how to deal with that.

Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
BananaPop2020 Sat 09-May-20 00:05:14

In the nicest possible way, this is massively over the top. Perhaps you need to speak to your GP about your anxiety, or perhaps look into utilising Talking Therapies?

Lumene Sat 09-May-20 00:05:18

Same issue here it really pisses me off. I ask politely but he gets really cross. No interest in the fact he might make other household members sick - I don’t understand whether he doesn’t believe it will happen or doesn’t care.

Lumene Sat 09-May-20 00:06:09

* Also my aunt has just died of the virus so I know how real it can be.*

Sorry OP flowers

BananaPop2020 Sat 09-May-20 00:11:02

I think that many have reached the point now where they are making their own risk assessments. I don’t think it’s because people don’t care, I think it’s because they believe the risk to be negligible.

FlaskMaster Sat 09-May-20 00:12:17

You sound way over the top to me too op. There has to be some balance of risk and safety measures. For most people social distancing is enough. I'd have been the same as your husband. There's only so much it's reasonable to do. You're not a recent heart transplant patient or something. Mild asthma isn't included in the vulnerable list. You're being ridiculously and annoyingly over the top.

FourPlasticRings Sat 09-May-20 00:16:01

The risk is very low, OP. Sars-Covid-2 is actually far less contagious than many diseases, such as measles.

That said, he should wash his hands after handling things that come from outside.

suggestionsplease1 Sat 09-May-20 00:17:07

I think your anxiety is more likely to be harmful to you than C19 and this is in danger of fracturing your relationship. It's very hard to make judgements in the present climate but I think this is more an issue for you work on than for your partner to work on.

Unshriven Sat 09-May-20 00:20:28

We wash our hands after coming in (sometimes) and try to avoid joggers and heavy breathers.

That's it.

No wiping, washing shopping, quarantining post, looking askance at the postman, or anything else.

We are still at work, using public transport, shopping etc.

No one's had covid yet, or if we have, we haven't noticed.

You are wildly overreacting.

insideyourkit Sat 09-May-20 00:21:09

Thanks @Lumene, and it makes it harder to relax when they are like that doesn’t it. If I knew he was taking the precautions I would be a lot easier. @BananaPop2020 I wonder if it is the ‘risk’ thing. I am using cbt techniques from when I had therapy sessions a few years ago. Like tonight the urge to get a shower is so strong but I’m letting that feeling rest and distracting myself, I know if I shower I’d also have to change my clothes and the bedding and DH is in it and would have true reason to be peed off then! I’m also keeping aware of my breathing so I don’t start hyperventilating or anything.

OP’s posts: |
BananaPop2020 Sat 09-May-20 00:25:39

You can do it! I know how crippling anxiety is and I am pleased you are taking steps to manage it. I am glad you recognise how one ‘coping’ action leads to another. This WILL pass.

SpillTheTeaa Sat 09-May-20 00:29:21

I don't think OP needs to go to the doctors because she's anxious about the virus. It's normal to be extra vigilant at this time.
I'm the same OP except partner does wash his hands as he has severe asthma.
Everything that comes into my house gets disinfected. I try to reason with myself and think that everyone is trying to take extra precautions now so would hope that bag had nothing on it. You've done all you can. Ask him to start lifting the rap with his elbow if he can?
I know all taps aren't easy to operate with your elbow though!

Happymum12345 Sat 09-May-20 00:30:15

I feel exactly the same as you, op. I like reading other people saying that it’s over the top, as I find that reassuring. I would quite happily lock my dh up in a spare room until the pandemic is over. I’m thankful that my teenage ds now stays in the house as that was leading me to breaking point too.
No advice, but you’re not alone! flowers

stayclosetoyourself Sat 09-May-20 00:31:17

I woo P.O. DJ in the hospital and we have suspected and proven cases. We still eat in our office . We touch our buddies, people touch the door handles, we touch the computer. Yes we clean it with wipes if we have time once a day maybe but that's it. You are being obsessive.

stayclosetoyourself Sat 09-May-20 00:31:44


FuckyNel Sat 09-May-20 00:32:33

Op come on! You cannot live like this. The stress of it will be more detrimental to your health!

PickAChew Sat 09-May-20 00:32:45

Get a grip.

stayclosetoyourself Sat 09-May-20 00:33:59

Sorry didn't proof read, we touch our desks, doors etc.

insideyourkit Sat 09-May-20 00:37:45

Thanks @FlaskMaster @suggestionsplease1 and @Unshriven I think I’m going to stop saying anything about it to him. If I think there’s an increased risk I’ll deal with it. In such a way that won’t upset him. In my mind I’m following procedures but I do feel a heightened intenseness about it! @FourPlasticRings I suppose I’ll just have to hope that he’ll ‘adult himself’ with regards to hand-washing. And trust that we’ll be ok.

OP’s posts: |
MintyMabel Sat 09-May-20 00:40:20

I’m quite anxious about all of this. I asked OH to make sure he washes his hands and stuff, and wipe groceries etc. Parcels come in, he unwraps them and puts packaging in the garage. He does this, not because he thinks it’s a risk, but because he knows it’s the best way to reduce anxiety for me. If he misses a step, I work on techniques to calm me, rather than jumping up and retracing his steps with a dettol wipe.

I know the risks are low and for that reason can let things go more easily. If I treated him as if he was an idiot like that, he’d rightly be very pissed off.

insideyourkit Sat 09-May-20 00:41:49

I’m Trying @PickAChew and @FuckyNel ! @stayclosetoyourself hope you stay ok.

OP’s posts: |
WomanIsTaken Sat 09-May-20 00:43:09

flowers for you, I am sorry for your loss.
When my BIL died from C-19, I became very fearful suddenly, having previously been quite pragmatic about preventing contagion. My instinct was to protect and make safe, and it took every ounce of willpower I had to not follow every impulse to clean and decontaminate, as I recognised that there was an element of compulsion waiting to take hold. My frightened brain wanted to make sense of the shock by implementing control mechanisms. It has become easier with time, and one of the 'tricks' I use with myself is talking very lovingly and patiently to the part of my thinking process / mind that wants to put a quarantine box for shopping outside the front door or disinfect the soles of our shoes, saying things like ^"I know how frightening it was when B got sick and died, and how you want to do everything in your power to make sure it doesn't happen here, because you're a caring and protective mind, but this morning, I don't need this particular service; we're all safe and well."

BananaPop2020 Sat 09-May-20 00:43:21

@SpillTheTeaa, a GP discussion is totally valid if the OP is worried to the point it takes over her life and has obsessive behaviours that are affecting her relationships. She doesn’t need or deserve to live like this. As @suggestionsplease1 says, this could ultimately be more damaging to her than C19.

To be fair, the majority of people do not need to disinfect everything that comes into their home. This too is an extreme reaction. People need to be sensible and consistent rather than terrified and erratic.

insideyourkit Sat 09-May-20 00:46:54

Thank you @Happymum12345 I am relieved I’m not the only one like this! Thanks @SpillTheTeaa I’m not sure that he would appreciate me mentioning the tap! I’ll just clean them regular if I know he’s been outside I think. I also clean the groceries but the bags I put in a box in our spare room and they stay there for over a week without being touched.

OP’s posts: |
WomanIsTaken Sat 09-May-20 00:50:26

Meant to add that this may sound bonkers, but recognising that my mind, like a sentry or care-taker, was just trying to do a job that wasn't necessarily necessary, trying to keep us safe, helped me wind down the decontamination swat team function, until it more or less petered out naturally.
I hope you feel better soon.

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