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Relatives with terminal diagnosis

(6 Posts)
Sturmundcalm Thu 30-Apr-20 15:14:58

Not sure whether I should post this or not cause possibly will just make me spend the day crying but...

When I read other threads one of the things that upsets me is people casually saying that everyone will be able to do stuff once the risk around C-19 is addressed. Except that's not true for everyone. My mum got a 6-12 months diagnosis just before Christmas and she only got one chemo cycle at the end of March (to help with quality of life rather than cure) before it was suspended. At this point we're heading towards month 5 of her 6-12 months and she is finding it SO difficult to not see us all.

I live locally so do pop round when I can find an excuse to drop off shopping/as part of my exercise but she doesn't want to see me sitting 6 feet+ away in the garden, she wants her grandchildren sitting on her knee, she wants a hug from all her kids, she wants to see wider family members one last time, she wants some bloody medical attention rather than everything being by phone.

I'm generally coping OK with lockdown when I let myself live in my immediate-family bubble - we all get on well, I have company, we have a garden, I'm still working - and I know that makes me really lucky in many respects.

But at what point do you just give in and think, they're dying - I need to spend time with them. The reality is that we have no clue how long my mum has left, so I'm hoping we still have months but I don't KNOW that.

Anyone got any idea how to deal with this positively? I'm starting to drop slightly the number of calls I make to her because I don't know how to make her feel better and I'm worried that actually every conversation ends back with her focusing on how upset and depressed she is which isn't good for either of us. This is crap for everyone but for those who know that these might be their last weeks or months it really is a different level of crap.

OP’s posts: |
JulietTango Thu 30-Apr-20 15:21:59

I think in your mum's position I would be having as many visitors as I could get away with. All the time understanding I may catch covid.

Sturmundcalm Thu 30-Apr-20 15:32:08

thanks, think the problem is partly that most folk would need to travel to see her and while the police are fairly light touch round here they are stopping people. so issue is really for her visitors rather than for her in terms of potential risks around being challenged/fined... and there is a side issue about her work/former work that I really don't want to go into but does make her a bit more twitchy about being seen to break the rules (despite the circumstances!).

think she is considering taking that approach though - apparently she tried to have a discussion the other day with one of my sisters about if she got covid she wouldn't want to be ventilated (but too upset to properly discuss).

OP’s posts: |
sittingonacornflake Thu 30-Apr-20 15:39:22

I'm so sorry to her about your mum. In her situation I can't say I'd be remotely bothered about breaking the rules and risking catching COVID if it meant I could spend my last months with my family. She'll never get this time back, none of you will.

granadagirl Thu 30-Apr-20 15:41:05

Even if they do live miles away, I think this is a valid reason to visit.
Surely if your mum/relatives have been doing lockdown and distancing themselves
Surely there’s not much chance of catching/giving c19 as you would of been doing it now 4/5 weeks.

If it were me. I’d be going inside
As I couldn’t live with myself after knowing she spent the last xxx on her own

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Thu 30-Apr-20 15:58:23

If you are terminal then you don't need to obey the shielding advice given.

Also if you need any form of care then you can have that carer - whether they are an employed person, relative, close friend or someone else in your house.

So when you go round with the shopping stay for a couple of hours. If you have to take the kids in with you, as there is no one to look after them or they could "help" then do so.

In regards to her work - they can go screw themselves. When she's dead they can't come after her.

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