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WIBU to move back in with my mum and get my child back, too?

(12 Posts)
BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 20:35:58

See username - I'm currently an expat. Mum lives in the UK and is vulnerable in the sense that she has a pre-existing health condition. I've a DD who's currently with her father in ROI but normally lives with me. We decided that, all things considered, it was better for her to stay put until this is all back to reasonably normal. We were then operating under the assumption that we were looking at 6 to 8 weeks, tops!

My boss is now telling me to get comfy and prepare for working from home mid-to-long-term. He's talking about September as a likely date for us to go back to the office as per usual.

I'm currently all alone. Work doesn't care where I am, just so long as there's internet.

So, all things considered, and knowing that there is some risk associated with it:

Would I be very, very unreasonable to catch a flight back to the UK and move back in with my mum for a while? And to then get my daughter back?

I'm absolutely prepared to be told I am and to suck it up! It's just: the prospect of being here all by myself, not getting to see any of my local friends, being separated from my entire family and staying like this for several more months is really killing me!

I'm quite okay with getting ill myself as a price - though I'm decidedly not okay with DD or DM getting ill.

Please talk some sense into me!!! I'm about to book a flight ticket and call ex to say I want my child back as none of us were banking on this being a long-term thing when we agreed on a plan!

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Thu 23-Apr-20 20:46:06

Unless youre planning to isolate somewhere in the UK away from your mum for 14 days, and have your DD do the same, then yea you're being unreasonable. You could have it already or pick it up on your way over, and give it to your mum, as could your DD

BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 20:49:05


I know that. Theoretically.

I do need some sense knocked into me, I suppose. There's just that primal need to be with your loved ones - also, this crap is incredibly lonely!

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BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 20:51:35

And, no, I don't have anywhere to isolate in the UK. I could go to a hotel, I suppose. But that's not really an option for DD. She's only 4 and can't stay by herself.

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MrsTerryPratchett Thu 23-Apr-20 20:54:39

You want to go from a relatively safe country to the UK and bring your DD from a relatively safe country to the UK?

I'm not the same the country as my parents either. But it's just a terrible idea.

BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 21:03:57

That makes sense, I suppose! Rationally speaking, it makes an incredible amount of sense!

TBH, after not seeing any living human being beyond the cashier at the local supermarket for going on two months, I suppose I'm just sort of losing my mind.

I'm not generally an irrational type of person. At all. Having said that, I'm really, really struggling with the idea of having to be stuck here all on my own until September.

I'm sort of at the point where I'm trying to grow my leg hair out to a plaitable length out of sheer boredom and loneliness. Also, they've stopped holding the zoom cocktail parties (as have I - I've hosted a couple myself), because everyone has come to the conclusion that it's just a mindfuck, doesn't make you feel less lonely at all and you might as well get drunk in your kitchen without your friends and colleagues watching on and silently judging via video call ...

... no, I don't generally tend to wallow in self-pity. It's not my style.

But I'm really, really struggling tonight!

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SnydeValley Thu 23-Apr-20 21:09:16

I wouldn't go to my vulnerable mum, but is there any way you could go to your daughters father in ROI?

I think this is all about risk tbh. The risk to your healthy 4 year is probably less than being hit by a car on the way to nursery tbh. So in that sense if there is any safe way to be with your daughter without impacting your higher risk mum then I'd try to make it work.

peajotter Thu 23-Apr-20 21:10:25

Give it a few weeks and set a date to review if with your ex. Even though you might be working from home until September, that doesn’t mean that the risk will still be high then. Lockdown will be eased gradually and at some point it will be safer to travel to the U.K. and spend some time with your daughter. Or even rent a place in roi if you can (probably lots of Airbnb going cheap once lockdown eases). But for now you are better to sit tight as the risk is too high. Why not review it mid-May so you have some hope?

Pigeonpresent Thu 23-Apr-20 21:16:35

Oh that’s awful I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Is your daughter ok?
I would definitely be going to Roi and renting somewhere, seeing your daughter after 14 days.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 23-Apr-20 21:17:40

It's entirely possible travel Withings Schengen will be OK much sooner.

As PP said, review it.

BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 21:22:01

I suppose in terms of getting DD back, the more sustainable plan is for her to eventually move back in with me. Which is, after all, where she normally lives, her home. Ex and I separated very amicably - but me being around would still be insanely awkward for his wife and the other kids (hers and DD's half-sibling).

This will probably mean that I have to go fetch her or for ex to bring her. But also, if I do get ill, I wouldn't know how to cope with a small child in need of care at home and noone at whose I could drop her off under the circumstances.

All things considered, we're all better off the way we are: mum in isolation, DD in a place where she has two adults to take care of her and other kids to play with and me with the freedom to get my job done and concentrate on this family still having a decent income at the end of this massive clusterfuck of a situation.

But, really, I fucking hate being alone. I think I'm developing a serious crush on the not at all attractive and seriously grumpy petrol station cashier at this point for the sole reason that he's male, visible and verifiably another live human being.

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BrexpatInSwitzerland Thu 23-Apr-20 21:27:46

And, yes, DD is perfectly fine! She misses mum, of course, but hasn't spent as much time with her dad in her living memory.

Ex, although nerve-wracking as a partner, is a very decent bloke, loves her to bits and she couldn't have anyone better to take care of her.

In my petty moments, I resent the idea that she may just be getting used to the fact that daddy is the primary parent and mum is a person you speak to via whatsapp video chat. But I realise that's simply me being selfish, jealous and emotionally vulnerable.

I don't worry about her well-being. I just miss her!

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