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Visiting a terminally ill relative

(14 Posts)
Maybethemoon Fri 17-Apr-20 00:15:19

Sadly my dad has terminal cancer with a life expectancy of weeks. I’ve moved in with my parents to look after them. My brothers live around an hour away and have visited a couple of times sitting at distance in the garden ( they rang the police for guidance first and we told it was ok in these circumstances).
But the weather is turning and this may not be possible over the next couple of days. One of them is proposing coming to visit but staying at the other end of the room.
Whilst I don’t want to stop my brother seeing my dad in his final days/weeks, I’m not sure this is acceptable in terms of risk. Should I ask him to wait until the weather is better?

Maybethemoon Fri 17-Apr-20 07:42:56


Scottishgirl85 Fri 17-Apr-20 07:49:19

My next door neighbour is in palliative care and they were told by the nurses that it was exceptional circumstances and their daughters can visit. One of them stayed for a few nights, and they plan to visit again (both live a few hours away). Common sense has to prevail, I believe your brother should be allowed to visit. Can you get the ok from his doctors/nurses?
I'm so sorry about your dad flowers

Scottishgirl85 Fri 17-Apr-20 07:51:04

*neighbour's palliative care is non-COVID related

idontgetpaidenoughforthis Fri 17-Apr-20 07:52:03

I'm of the opinion that your dad clearly hasn't been anywhere to get the virus, you brother cannot make him any sicker. I think the risk you pose to each other is minimal , you don't get a second chance of saying goodbye to a dying parent.

Much love 💐

Maybethemoon Fri 17-Apr-20 07:57:53

idont my dad spent several days in hospital so could have been exposed. He’s been out and at home for a week, apart from one hospital trip on Tuesday to have a tube changed.
My brother’s wife also has cancer so I don’t want him to get infected by us and pass it on to her.
Sorry for drip feed.

Maybethemoon Fri 17-Apr-20 08:09:17

Agree it’s worth asking medical staff though.

onanothertrain Fri 17-Apr-20 08:12:18

I think these are exceptional circumstances and you need to let your brother visit.

idontgetpaidenoughforthis Fri 17-Apr-20 08:13:50

Ah your SILs cancer does put a different light on it 😕 no easy answer either way

AvocadosBeforeMortgages Fri 17-Apr-20 08:20:31

Your dad's life must now be measured in quality, not quantity.

I imagine that, if asked, he'd take the risk of dying a few weeks early over the certainty of never seeing his son again.

Moondust001 Fri 17-Apr-20 08:27:53

For what it is worth, he understands the risks that he is taking and what he (and his wife) may need to do if he wants to see his father. I think it should be their decision, and you should let them make it without any pressure from you. In the end, whatever happens, he (and she) will have to live with the decision they make for the rest of their lives. It's a tough one and I don't know what I would do in his shoes. But I know that it is better that it is what he decides, so that he doesn't feel that other people pressured him into something that was the "wrong decision".

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite Fri 17-Apr-20 12:25:51

This is a tough one. I think it depends on the severity of your SIL's situation and what type of cancer she has as to what he should do.
In any event if he wants to see your dad then he should. The effect of not doing so could greatly affect the rest of both of their lives. Whether he isolates before seeing his wife again is a matter for the two of them.

I am very sorry to hear about your father. You have my deepest sympathy. flowers

PotteringAlong Fri 17-Apr-20 12:27:50

I think this is one of those things that it’s not up to you to decide but for your brother and SIL to decide where they hold their level of risk. flowers

Maybethemoon Fri 17-Apr-20 15:32:35

Looks like he is coming tomorrow afternoon and the forecast is better here for then. Hopefully we can distance in the garden. Thanks all.

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