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Why can't people say how rubbish this is?

(115 Posts)
jakeyboy1 Mon 13-Apr-20 11:30:55

I am finding it hard, really hard.

What is making it worse for me is everyone saying how lucky we are, how great they are doing, it's not that bad etc.

Why????

It's horrendous. My work has never been busier. I have two kids who want me constantly and can't concentrate on anything I give them for more than five minutes. I end up being a horrible shouty mum trying to get work done and keep them happy.

Husband has them for about 2 hours in the middle of the day if he can otherwise it's generally down to me.

Fed up of cooking, cleaning and work.

I know we are lucky we have our health and a nice house I know that and don't want to be chastised for this. But it's shit really shit and people pretending it isn't eg on work conference calls "I'm great using it as a great chance to read loads of books" just piss me right off. If I had the chance to read it would be a bloody miracle.

I have spent most of this weekend in tears and everyone saying everything is "fine" just makes me feel worse. Why aren't I fine?

OP’s posts: |
mrsbyers Mon 13-Apr-20 11:33:11

Because your husband needs to do more , and just maybe in the short term your standards on stuff like cleaning and cooking could be reduced.

Stroller15 Mon 13-Apr-20 11:33:38

I feel exactly the same as you OP. It is hard. I don't have time to learn to crotchet or a new language. My work is the busiest it's ever been, 2 small kids, very untidy house and all the uncertainties. I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know you're definitely not alone.

Qasd Mon 13-Apr-20 11:33:55

I hate it too, and I have a garden and outdoor space.

I like socialising, I liked seeing friends and family, I liked going to work (currently furloughed) I don’t like binge watching tv in fact I don’t like watching tv that much.

I assume that people who like it don’t like going to work, socialising, meeting friends and family etc and are home bird type people ...nothing the matter with that but it isn’t me!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 13-Apr-20 11:34:26

Why is your husbands default "help where he can" and yours is "work where I can"?

They need to meet in the middle.

jakeyboy1 Mon 13-Apr-20 11:34:45

If you saw my standards on cooking they really aren't that high!
My husband is doing more but he is equally under the cosh with work. Both our industries are in crisis and we haven't been furloughed thus we are under even more pressure.

OP’s posts: |
FiveShelties Mon 13-Apr-20 11:34:54

How much of the care/cleaning is your husband doing?

ssd Mon 13-Apr-20 11:34:56

I don't know anyone at all describing this as fine. Everyone is hating it and wishing it to be over.

jakeyboy1 Mon 13-Apr-20 11:35:56

So many people on work conference calls all being so upbeat and positive. I know it may be their way of coping but it just makes me feel inadequate.

OP’s posts: |
NotJustACigar Mon 13-Apr-20 11:36:30

It's ok not to be ok and your situation sounds difficult. As far as generalities go though, basically it's rubbish for some people and great for others. It's just me and DH at home and although work (from home) is busy I'm really enjoying not having to commute and taking time to cook nice meals, get the garden into shape and do a lot of reading. However my heart goes out to those with small children who are also working from home, especially those in flats without gardens. So I try not to boast or be overly cheery on conference calls out of respect for others' situations.

lazylinguist Mon 13-Apr-20 11:40:30

Because some people are in a more fortunate situation than you are, so they are fine, plus some are putting a brave face on it on social media. It's not your fault that you're still busy at work, or that your dc happen to be of an age where they need more attention. I'm one of the lucky ones - teenage dc happily entertaining themselves and dh off work on full pay (though I'm not being paid). Don't beat yourself up for not being fine - lots of people are having a hard time.

JoyceDivision Mon 13-Apr-20 11:40:48

Ah op, I hear you.

There is a novelty for people getting chance to work from home, an almost "forced" downtime use to not being able to go out that provides a slower pace of life which is a breath of fresh air to many.

But.... That slower pace of life doesn't always sit well. My DC are starting to frazzle. They have, amazingly, played loads with Lego...but also been on the Xbox / phones loads...to the point even during what should be the holiday I am making them do school work when I am not having to work to fill their day. They don't want to go for a walk, moan about scho work, DH is a key worker so hardly at home however he now has a week annual leave which is even worse as he isn't usually here, is exasperated at the drop of a hat, is too needy and overbearing with DC, they get wound up because he treats them like they are toddlers...

I've had a huge argument with DH, it's me that has to be bad cop and make DC do things (which weirdly they seem to appreciate more).

It's hard, very trying and feels relentless, there's little breathing space and DC are bored and frustrated and there is little we can do for them.

There will be an end soon, and you just have to try and find structure that fits you all. Big hugs, it's not easy. flowers

AprilFloundering Mon 13-Apr-20 11:43:35

Your DH needs to do more at home with the DCs, just like you do.

work out a fairer schedule so you can both work and both have to do a fair amount with the children and household.

OmartheGoose Mon 13-Apr-20 11:49:34

I'm one of the ones finding it "fine" OP, but am very, very aware that it is my circumstances which make it fine, and not because I am a better person hmmgrin

For anyone juggling pressured work with small children under foot and not much outside space, or any combination of those things or many other reasons, it's going to be very difficult. I think most people finding it ok realise that. Take care and go easy on yourself.

Appuskidu Mon 13-Apr-20 11:51:44

I don’t think you’re alone-most if the posts I was on here are about how difficult people are finding this.

WineOrWhine Mon 13-Apr-20 12:01:26

I haven’t found it rubbish though.
This weekend my husband made a cooked breakfast on Saturday and Monday (today) he also washes up afterwards.
He helped clear the kitchen after our Sunday roast and he vacuumed upstairs and put a heap of laundry away whilst I was busy cleaning downstairs so we could enjoy Saturday together without any housework looming.

My point is, my husband pulls his weight, does more than his fair share and in turn we are both happy, not just during lockdown but always.

Your husband needs to step up and start doing his share. He’s being very unfair on you.

alloutoffucks Mon 13-Apr-20 12:02:45

Your DP needs to do much more. Friends with useless DPs are noticeably struggling much more.
But I do also know what you mean. One of my friends was all, oh this is brilliant catching up on things and seemed to have no understanding of how hard this is for a lot of people.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead Mon 13-Apr-20 12:03:39

For some people it is really hard, probably for the majority

For those in good health, no money worries, a garden and easygoing teens it is a doddle, a holiday, a time to relax and lie in the sun.

For others it is a daily challenge to make it through the day without getting infected (nhs workers, shop staff etc) to keep a roof over their head as jobs are lost, to look after small kids whilst working from home...

It’s different worlds.

I am all for a positive attitude and counting blessings, but people need a bit of self awareness or they become “let-them-eat-cake” advocates...

Frompcat Mon 13-Apr-20 12:06:29

On MN unless you're dying of coronavirus in hospital you have literally nothing to complain about.

Disgraceful tbh. The mental health consequences of this will be catastrophic. But, as usual, those of us with MH issues are collateral damage, proving that when it really comes down to it, society doesn't give a shiny shit about us.

nopenothappening Mon 13-Apr-20 12:10:23

It is shit. You're allowed to say that.

suggestionsplease1 Mon 13-Apr-20 12:11:31

I think these circumstances just set up such widely differing experiences for people.

For some, everything is going to pot at once...there are people who are likely to lose their businesses but are still paying costs, alongside looking after 4 chidren that would ordinarily be in school, alongside a proposed house move that is very likely to fall through, alongside parents who are very unwell but who cant be visited. alongside a relationship that looks like it is breaking down because of the stress, alongside existing mental health problems that have been pushed to breaking point.

For others, their jobs are 100% secure and they are lucky enough to be on full pay but not required to work. They needed a break and are home-bodies anyway with large homes and a few odd jobs in the house and garden that they had really wanted to get on with but had no time previously. They have partners who they get on brilliantly with and are enjoying spending time re-connecting properly again. They love boxsets and reading but never usually get the time to relax to enjoy these. Their families are secure and well.

And of course, every shade in between...it's no wonder there are such vastly different experiences at this time.

VegetableMunge Mon 13-Apr-20 12:14:46

Some of those people are bullshitting, often as part of their own coping strategy. Others genuinely are finding it ok, or more ok than they'd expected.

I would agree with others that a big part of the problem is there being two adults in your household and one of them being expected to do two hours a day, the other much more.

jakeyboy1 Mon 13-Apr-20 12:15:05

My DH is pulling his weight he's getting up at 5am to do work so that he can have a couple of hours off later with them. He is stacked, I am stacked but I can't see a way out of it. We are both expected to be on calls pretty much all day and then there's the catching up to do the actual work.I know we should be grateful to have jobs but it's just so hard.

OP’s posts: |
Oakmaiden Mon 13-Apr-20 12:15:45

They can say that, and they do.

Not everyone, but a lot of people.

Rainycloudyday Mon 13-Apr-20 12:17:49

If your work and your husbands are both busy why is he working almost full time in peace and you get two hours in the middle of the day? That there is your problem. Looking after small kids and working are not possible at the same time, there is a reason why the idea of that is usually a complete no no and contractually banned by most employers.

Why don’t you work 7am-1pm and your husband works 1pm-6pm. Do that Monday-Saturday and you have pretty much full time hours covered. Hard work yes but do-able, unless there is something left out from your OP about your situation?

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