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ExDH putting pressure on me re: DS

(37 Posts)
user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:09:29

Please help me.

DS is locked down with me.

We have vulnerable family member who cannot isolate indefinitely in one room. They can move to an empty home in 4-6 weeks.

Till that time DS wants to stay here.

Ex putting pressure on me to keep “normal shared care” (70/30).

I’d rather DS could keep normal plan but I don’t want to add risk to my vulnerable family member, however small the risk is.

Ex telling me that both parents should decide what’s best for the child. I don’t disagree with this but this is an exceptional (short term) situation and my DS is happy here.

Can you offer me some advice on this?
DS has open phone access on a mobile so can call / FaceTime whenever he wants.
I’ve offered DS to go and lockdown at his Dads till vulnerable family member moved out but he doesn’t want to (siblings and a garden here probably being the main reasons!)

Ex is making me feel awful but I am genuinely just trying to do what keeps people safe. sad

OP’s posts: |
user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:10:14

DS is 10 yrs old

OP’s posts: |
namechangenumber2 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:19:08

I agree with you, and I feel that the government were quite clear a couple of weeks ago - A child can go, but doesn't mean they must, serious consideration must be made if it could impact the child/someone in their families health. It also said that understanding should be made that one parents may be more anxious than the other.

DS went to his Dads 2 weeks ago. I wasn't happy about it, but he came anyway. DS is 16 so I felt I couldn't really stand my ground too much - I also felt the situation wasn't as bad back then and thought if he went that weekend then I could push for him not going this one. I've pushed this one, and fortunately DS's Dad has listened. Both DS and I are asthmatics- neither serious but I'd really rather not risk it all the same! No doubt we'll have the same debate in a couple of weeks , but we'll deal with it when the time comes

zafferana Sat 11-Apr-20 10:21:07

You should speak to a doctor about this OP and get the lowdown on how vulnerable your family member is. There are a lot of people claiming to be vulnerable who aren't on the list of conditions for real, actual vulnerability and a lot of people using that as an excuse to stop their DC seeing the parent they don't live with and the law is siding with those parents being deprived of seeing their DC. I'm not saying you're doing that, but a lot of people are and the advice is that DC who normally move between their parents' homes continue to do so during the lockdown. If I were your ex deprived of seeing my DC I'd be devastated that this relative's condition is being used as an excuse to keep my DC away from me.

user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:22:08

It’s not being used as excuse though sad

OP’s posts: |
user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:23:31

They are over 70 and have one of the health conditions identified as high risk.

OP’s posts: |
zafferana Sat 11-Apr-20 10:24:03

But what is the condition this person has - is it on the list of vulnerable conditions or are they just unwell with something else?

People falling into this extremely vulnerable group include:

Solid organ transplant recipients
People with specific cancers:
- people with cancer who are undergoing active chemotherapy or radical radiotherapy for lung cancer

- people with cancers of the blood or bone marrow such as leukaemia, lymphoma or myeloma who are at any stage of treatment

- people having immunotherapy or other continuing antibody treatments for cancer

- people having other targeted cancer treatments which can affect the immune system, such as protein kinase inhibitors or PARP inhibitors

- people who have had bone marrow or stem cell transplants in the last 6 months, or who are still taking immunosuppression drugs

People with severe respiratory conditions including all cystic fibrosis, severe asthma and severe COPD.
People with rare diseases and inborn errors of metabolism that significantly increase the risk of infections (such as SCID, homozygous sickle cell).
People on immunosuppression therapies sufficient to significantly increase risk of infection.
Women who are pregnant with significant heart disease, congenital or acquired.

BaronessBomburst Sat 11-Apr-20 10:29:21

The 10 year old doesn't want to go to his dad's for lockdown anyway. His opinion should count. Fresh air, exercise, and social interaction are important for his health and mental well being. Your EX may not be expected to consider your relative's well-being but he's currently not considering his son's either.

user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:31:31

zaff yes it’s on that list

OP’s posts: |
midnightstar66 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:34:44

This sounds totally fair. It's not even an unknown length of time depending on lockdown. It's a fixed term til family members can move out. I've seen lots of people trying to make excuses not to send their DC on here and not thought they had good reasons but on this case I think YANBU at all

NetDesMamans1 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:37:36

My ex is a nurse on Covid ward, DC and I are self-isolating until next weekend. I am due back at work next Fri which means DC staying at his. Ex has been dealing with the dead. I'm a care assistant in elderly care home.

I'm really stressed about this.

zafferana Sat 11-Apr-20 10:37:41

In that case, if you're contacted by your ex's solicitor you have a good reason to refuse. However, if I couldn't see my DC for weeks because my ex had someone vulnerable living with them I'd be beyond gutted. When this relative moves out you'll have to make sure that the normal arrangement is immediately reinstated.

user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:39:07

Thanks. I don’t know how to communicate with Ex. He just keeps telling me it’s up to both parents and he doesn’t agree with me.

Normally we have managed to resolve things fairly reasonably with a bit of give and take (or he just goes on at me till I agree to whatever he wants) but the stakes are too high here. I don’t want to be nasty or fall out but I don’t know how I can explain again. He’s suggested my relative isolate alone in a room for 4-6 weeks which my relative would do as they don’t want to stop DS seeing his dad but DS has said he doesn’t want that and he’s fine here. Short of packing my relative into isolation alone and telling DS he has to go I don’t know what to do. And I’m getting so fed up of constant guilt trips from ex.

OP’s posts: |
user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:40:59

Yes of course zaff. As I mentioned I have offered DS to go to his dads and his relative self isolate alone.

I have also offered DS the choice to go to his dads until his relative can move. He doesn’t want to do either.

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Sat 11-Apr-20 10:42:42

Send one last message with your reasons then block....
Your mh also counts here...

midnightstar66 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:43:39

Have it in writing - dc would rather isolate at your home, you have someone vulnerable staying but it's for a fixed time, you will be sure to facilitate all remote contact, you will make up the time lost once relative has left. This would satisfy any legal comeback. If it's both parents choice and neither agrees then surely what dc wants at the age he is, is what is the deciding factor. I understand the difficulty though. I'm having to send my dc very reluctantly as the fallout just isn't worth it. We don't have the same risk factors though.

FinallyHere Sat 11-Apr-20 10:46:29

* Normally we have managed to resolve things fairly reasonably with a bit of give and take (or he just goes on at me till I agree to whatever he wants) but the stakes are too high here*

Is it possible that your ex is used to bludgeoning you into agreeing with him and is surprised that you have a (very very understandable) boundary on this point.

There isn't really a compromise to be forged here. Don't tell us, but think back on you 'give and take' How many examples can you find where it was not you giving and him taking.

Unusual circumstances tend to make the really important things clear. You know you are right, and your child is happy with that choice. That counts for a lot. All the best.

namechangenumber2 Sat 11-Apr-20 10:52:30

@zafferana - I'd be devastated too, however in my case my Ex is far from a doting dad IMO. He saw DS 2 weeks ago, before that he hadn't seen him for 7 weeks - he cancelled twice " because Dads are allowed to do that". I find it hard to feel sorry for him when he behaves like that, and for that reason I'm putting the health of me and DS ahead of his feelings.

If it was my time being cancelled, I'd be absolutely devastated, but I'd be a doting parent in the first place! I can't imagine going 7 days without seeing DS, never mind 7 weeks

zafferana Sat 11-Apr-20 10:56:17

Your ex is clearly an arse @namechangenumber2 and doesn't deserve any sympathy from anyone!

GiantPinesAhem Sat 11-Apr-20 10:56:20

The advice is that if contact has to be suspended because of vulnerable family etc, that all missed time should be made up later...

How do you intend to do that?

ConstanceDoodleton Sat 11-Apr-20 11:01:14

He just keeps telling me it’s up to both parents and he doesn’t agree with me

this is a lie. he doesn't want to reach an agreement with you, or his son. He doesn't think it is up to both parents either. He wants to do this his way, at the expense of Gibson's feelings and the health of his son's vulnerable relative. There's no agreement or compromise here at all.

Explain well in writing. At this time and until x date we are unable to continue with normal contact. Relative is shielding due to x condition. Due to shielding restrictions we are unable to facilitate son leaving and returning to this home. After offering son the options of going to your home and staying there until relative is rehoused, he has stated he wishes to remain here until x. Obviously, I understand this will be difficult for you and I want to reassure you electronic communication is welcomed before normal contact will be resumed on x date. thank you for being so understanding of the health needs of x in these unprecedented times.

Then do not engage further.

Gamble66 Sat 11-Apr-20 11:02:54

@GiantPinesAhem until we know when and how this is going to end it's totally irrelevant and none of your business

ConstanceDoodleton Sat 11-Apr-20 11:03:36

The advice is that if contact has to be suspended because of vulnerable family etc, that all missed time should be made up later... How do you intend to do that?

Let's see if he wants extra time first shall we...

user47000000000 Sat 11-Apr-20 11:14:11

He could have extra time in lots of ways, extra wkends, extra week days, I don’t mind and would be happy to be flexible once my vulnerable relative is safe somewhere else. I’ve said this to Ex. Tbh I don’t think he wants to try and juggle working and home school like I’m having to do as the dates which he’s telling me we should do are all very “convenient”’options for him.

Again I have suggested having extra time at his dads to DS but he said he’d like to go back to normal and not “make up” the time. I don’t think I should force this as usually their contact is frequent.

You guys are right that it’s affecting me mentally. I know it will be for ex not seeing his son too but I don’t want to keep going back and forth saying the same thing

OP’s posts: |
Willyoujustbequiet Sat 11-Apr-20 11:19:11

The law is on your side in the circumstances you have outlined. Encourage ongoing indirect contact with facetime etc.. but other than that dont engage further.

Its just a control thing. Ignore.

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