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Is it me or Dsis who is bu? Upset after phonecall.

(8 Posts)
WhoIsBUhere Wed 08-Apr-20 13:39:35

Namechanged as although DSis is currently banned I think she still read posts. <Waves at her> apologies for essay. Didnt want to be accused of dripfeeding.

I'm sorry it's another family one but I am unsure of what to do now and I would welcome any advice.

I don't know any more who is Bu but I think I was in the right .

Background. I live 200 miles away from parents and sister and have done for 27 years come the summer. It was a pretty dysfunctional family although years and distance have helped us be closer. Plus I was no longer prepared to be the "whipping boy" for my mother and sister. To this day DSis and I aren't terribly close which saddens me but she doesn't want a close relationship with me it seems. However, I speak to my parents at least once a day , particularly my DDad . We have a strong bond now, in fact we always did but it's much better now due to better communication. My DMum and DSis were always closer during my time living there and probably still are.

My DDad is very poorly. He has heart failure and kidney failure due to Type 2 diabetes. He had a quadruple bypass 20 years ago. He also disclosed another health condition to me last week. This one is very bad and he don't be seeking treatment as he has really had enough now of being frail and confined to a bed for large parts of the day. I don't know if he has since told my Dsis but last week he said he was just telling me. My DMum is a law unto herself. doesn't really get the whole virus/risk thing as she is always downplaying it. Much like other parents unfortunately. So, she isn't really able to be relied on when it comes to my father. Their relationship is not good, she really only speaks to my father to criticise etc. However she does all the wife work and has done for decades. She cooks meals and takes them up to him etc etc.her behaviour and attitude have deteriorated in the last years band my Dad thinks it could be the start of dementia. My mum isn't having any of it.

Sorry thus is so long, trying to get to the point.

DSis and her husbAnd and three kids live on the same road. Before lockdown there would always be one of my two older teenage nieces staying over as they share a room at home and like being in their own being looked after by my parents.

DSis has been ill the last few weeks. Suspwcted Corona but to my knowledge hadn't been tested. Her kids have been self isolating at their home but my Dbil is deemed an essential worker and had therefore been out of the house, working a lot. DSis told me this last week in a text.

Last Friday or Thursday I rang my parents' Landline, only fur it to be answered by one of my nieces. When I asked why she was there she told me she was just dropping food off and she'd washed her hands really well. I mentioned to my Dmum that it wasn't a good idea but she just sort of shrugged it off.

Yesterday my DDad video whatsapped me and in the background, standing in the doorway was my other niece. I was in disbelief at this as she was upstairs in the doorway of a very small room.

I rang back on their landline and to my horror Dniece answered it then passed the phone straight to my mum
Later that evening I skyped my parents and told them how I was worried that there were people in the house that really didn't need to. my DDad didn't know niece had answered the phone and was not best pleased. The issue is my.DMum is so free and easy with the whole infection/distancing issue that the onus is in others not to take her up on her offer of inviting people in. Especially as older niece is enrolled to start a nursing diploma this year.

I spent most of the night worrying about this. The bald truth is that should DDad get the virus he will not survive. We have had conversations about it and I know his wishes etc. I decided I would have to speak to my Dsis about her DDs.

I just rang. I tried to be diplomatic and said that I was sorry I couldn't give any physical support to my parents but I am in touch with them daily. I told her that I knew her family were looking after parents but I had something to discuss. I told her that when I'd been on Whatsapp yesterday her DD was in the same room as DDad and then went downstairs and answered the landline to me, handing to to DMum. I said I was worried that the physical distancing wasn't being properly observed and that last week the same thing had happened with her other DD.

It went downhill very quickly. DSis was shouting at me saying the girls had all been isolated for 3 and a half weeks and I was making out thry were there all the time . They were never within 2 metres of parents etc I wanted to stop the conversation as she was getting so upset. I asked her not to shout at me.I had just said what I'd seen and that it concerned me.
She hung up on me.

I was shaken after this. . I went in the shower and cried. I just feel so helpless and worried. I'm also concerned my Dsis will tell my parents that I was interfering etc and that is the last thing my DDad needs.

I don't know what to do now. I'll maybe just wait and see if she contacts me again. I'm not being shouted at like that again. I understand that the responsibility is on then and they're also worried, Ill etc.

Who is being unreasonable? Should I have not said anything to her? But, ffs, surely two adults in their mid forties can have a proper conversation without all the shouting etc . I just don't know what to do to help my parents more. There is a very very real chance I won't see my dad again.

OP’s posts: |
Danceswithwarthogs Wed 08-Apr-20 14:21:35

flowers you can only try OP, it may just be that after all the years of your family operating in a certain way, that by saying something you crossed an invisible line and your sister didn’t like it. It’s upsetting to be left on the outside and extra worrying when you feel that you are the only one looking out for your dad’s interests. I

Danceswithwarthogs Wed 08-Apr-20 14:21:56

Sorry posted too soon

Custardandnoodle Wed 08-Apr-20 14:28:33

She knows she's in the wrong, that's why she got shouty. Although, really your dad needs to take some responsibility for himself. If he's not prepared to call anyone on this there is nothing you can do except be a friendly ear and disengage from the rest of them.

Didiusfalco Wed 08-Apr-20 14:35:01

Hmm, I have a sister who is miles away - and that is the crux of the problem - I could totally see us having a fight like this. Your sister is providing the practical help and you are criticising, but unable to step in and help. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wrong about the distancing and I can see why you’re worried but I can also see how it’s rubbed her up the wrong way. It’s like backseat driving basically. I think possibly you need to offer an olive branch as it’s sounds like she felt you were attacking her, then maybe you can have a more constructive conversation about your dads health.

Wingedharpy Wed 08-Apr-20 15:30:25

It does sound as if your Dad knows what should be happening (your comment about the neice passing phone to your Mum), but he doesn't sound like he is doing/saying much to protect himself.

You've said your piece and now, I'd leave it there.

rvby Wed 08-Apr-20 16:17:28

OP I think you're involving yourself a bit too much in a situation that you can't control tbh.

Your DSis is physically close to your parents and probably doing the lion's share of what they need, etc. You aren't there and aren't privy to all the discussions, thoughts about risk, etc. that she/her family are likely trying to muddle through best they can.

It doesn't really help for you to be fretting about your Dad when you are miles away and not there to assist. It will just seem like you being a drama queen/sticking your oar in, sorry. Your Dad is an adult, so are DM and Dsis, you do sort of need to leave them to it tbh, or you're just creating stress for yourself and everyone else.

You sound anxious and stressed and that's completely natural in the current circs. I would assume DSis is under similar stress, if not more. Might be best to be kind as you can, and exhort yourself to focus on things that you can actually control, vs. things happening miles away from you between adults who are in charge of themselves. I know you're scared Dad will die before you see him again. It's horrible to think of. But your anxiety and stress won't change that outcome really.

Can you apologize to her and just say, look, really sorry I am being a stressball here and wish I was there to help, I hope you can forgive me for being clumsy about all this, is there anything I can do to help from afar etc. and give it all an opportunity to deescalate a bit?

And focus on your Dad and staying connected to him - letters, video calls, etc. Focus on showing him love. Not on trying to control him or his household - because you can't.

jellybean85 Wed 08-Apr-20 16:44:52

I think your dads put you in a really difficult position there. They can't act on knowledge they don't have so it's unfair to treat your mum and sister as if they know about the additional risk when no one has told them! Are
Your parents over 70? If not and no one knows about the mysterious condition your sister may be considering them 'one household' and trying her best in a difficult situation. It would be better if one niece
Could maybe isolate with them to assist but again a bit pointless if your DM isn't taking the risk seriously

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