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Thanks 2020- now an unplanned pregnanacy

(21 Posts)
sunandrose Mon 30-Mar-20 12:28:55

What will go wrong now?

So like a lot of us, I’ve got high anxiety levels related to the pandemic. I’m struggling being locked down in our rural house with DH, 2.8yr old and 8month baby. We’re so close to my parents, see them pretty much everyday and it’s breaking me not having the contact. They’re missing out on so many memories and the children growing, like so many other GPs
They’re both in the vulnerable category due to age so I don’t know when we’ll be seeing them as normal....
I’m also a control freak so this whole new and uncertain world is really messing with me.

So I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. Totally unplanned. I’m so cross with myself. We were happy with two- that was our family complete. Although I didn’t feel ‘done’ in those first few months, things are suddenly getting easier, the babies have a gorgeous relationship and this is it for me.

I’m 38, DP 50. We’re both too old for this now. He runs a successful business but the future is so uncertain. I’m currently a SAHM but was beginning to make plans to get back into my career. We’re very fortunate to have a comfortable life, a big house with lots of indoor and outdoor space but who knows what will happen in the next few months. Life is so uncertain right now....

The pandemic has made me revaluate things and the material is so insignificant now, when we’re all in lockdown the car, the clothes, none of it matters. I’ve always been so very family orientated, and in someways this is an absolute blessing. We have a big group of friends with lots of children between us and l know another baby would be loved to the end of the earth and fit in like he/she has always been here.

I just can’t help the thought of being pregnant in lockdown, with no family or friend support, terrifying. How the hell am I going to cope with a newborn, 16m and 3.4 energetic toddler? My DP is very hands on but 3 takes it to a whole new level.

My baby is still a baby, she will still be so young when the baby is here.I don’t think it’s fair on her. I’m not great at being pregnant and know I’ll spend the months wishing the time away and missing out on such precious moments.

I’ve this overwhelming fear that we are so very blessed to have two healthy babies and that there will be something wrong with this baby that won’t get detected. The impact of that on the children terrifies me and I know I’m not strong enough to cope with that.
We’ve both got a history of twins on both sides so there’s always the risk of going from 2 to 4 children!!

My first birth was traumatic, second was perfect- calm and in the water. I had quite a significant bleed after so I know that, combined with my age, will now put me at higher risk. My levels of anxiety about the birth were high the whole way through my last pregnancy. I can’t dven contemplate it again.

This is such a nightmare and I know it’s my own doing. So many people would do anything to be in my shoes, I know it’s a blessing but I’m scared, disappointed that we took such a stupid risk and so upset....

If it was at any other time I think i’s have more chance of dealing with this rationally. Right now, the whole world is fucked and I’m just so lost....

OP’s posts: |
JanewaysBun Mon 30-Mar-20 12:35:05

flowers such a tough time to be dealing with this x

SonEtLumiere Mon 30-Mar-20 12:39:03

I am sorry you find yourself in a difficult position. My advice is: put in place preparations to have a termination. Presumably in the current situation things will take longer/be trickier to Organise.
Separately, this gives you time to think and ask what do you want to do.

It is OK to proceed with this pregnancy, but it is also OK not to.

EasterElf Mon 30-Mar-20 12:41:20

I’m so sorry OP, this is a very stressful time to be dealing with this.

Please remember that you don’t have to continue with this pregnancy. You may decide that you’re going to find a way to make it work, or you may decide that the negatives outweigh the positives and you don’t want to continue. If that is what you decide, you aren’t a bad person and you haven’t done anything wrong.

I hope that whatever you choose you are okay, and that you stay safe and healthy.

catscatscatseverywhere Mon 30-Mar-20 12:42:04

Remember you live in free country, you don’t have to give birth and no one will judge you. Anyway, take care, sending my thoughts to you.

lubeybooby Mon 30-Mar-20 12:42:38

I'm 100% pro choice and whatever you want to do is up to you - just making that clear. I wanted to just say though that rationally, to me at least, you're not suddenly too old only 8 months after the last one. Very little has changed there imho so I'd take that out of the equation when making your decisions. flowers

WhentheRabbitsWentWild Mon 30-Mar-20 12:43:10

That really is a shitty situation for you especially at this time OP

I don't know what to suggest but really I couldn't blame you if you decided to have a termination.
These are not normal times as it is and you have explained why its upsetting you.
PS . I had 4 C Sections (medical reasons) and during the 4th I was sterilized . Or perhaps at a future date DH could have the male equivalent (name of which has totally escaped me apart from the slang one of The Snip).

PumpkinP Mon 30-Mar-20 12:43:18

You have choices you don’t have to go through with it

fishonabicycle Mon 30-Mar-20 12:47:13

If you don't want another child now - your body is your own and you can terminate this pregnancy. It's early days. Your husband will be 70 by the time the child is 20.

sassbott Mon 30-Mar-20 12:48:03

OP. Move this to pregnancy choices. You may get more advice there.

Critical services (including understanding your choices) are open (assuming you are in the Uk?). Marie stopes can provide counselling in complete confidentiality. You don’t need to go to your GP.

I read this morning that the law surrounding abortions has been relaxed. To ensure that women can access the medical care they need given the current situation. I’m not sure what exactly this means (as in what has changed) but it’s there to help women Access the medicine they may need.

Contact a service where you can talk this through. You have a lot on your plate, take some time to process it and understand that you have choices.

Brooksey5 Mon 30-Mar-20 12:49:58

If I were you OP I would get an appointment with a GP to discuss options. You don’t have to make any decisions straight away but talking to the GP will allow you to understand the timescales that you have to make a choice about the pregnancy.

Hopefully some time will help you make sense of it 💕

sunandrose Mon 30-Mar-20 12:51:05

Thank you. Hearing this from complete strangers actually means so much.

I didn’t put this in my post because I don’t even want to admit it to myself, but I’ve contacted the local hospital this morning. They were fab and although obviously working from home, they’ve phoned back to arrange a phone consultation with a dr/counsellor on Wednesday and the option of an appointment the following week.

How they hell can I go through with it though? I know it gives me time to weigh up the options, but reading back on my original post, I know what the best option for us as a family is. But it still means going through with it. Will I get to late November, when hopefully the world is heading back to some sort of normality, start to put the Christmas tree up and prep for a family Christmas like no other but know, deep down, I’ve made the worst decision?

I had a miscarriage between DS and DD. That week was dark and lonely. Full of what ifs. To go through that again, knowing I’ve taken that decision, will break me.

It will also break me going through with the pregnancy, lock down, the health and financial strains of the next few months and also the next couple of years with the small age gap....

OP’s posts: |
BigFatLiar Mon 30-Mar-20 12:52:50

First of all don't panic. It's a difficult time just now but it won't last forever. You're looking at a baby being born October? It may seem like life's a mess just now but how would you feel about it in a few weeks time if life returns to something more normal.

Orchidflower1 Mon 30-Mar-20 12:53:04

Sorry you’re going through a tough time op.

Stuckforthefourthtime Mon 30-Mar-20 12:55:01

Call Marie Stopes - they have a free and non-biased helpline where you can speak to a counsellor, multiple times as you need. Having called them myself, there was no push in the direction of terminating or continuing the pregnancy, the wonderful lady I spoke to was just so calm and helped me frame up my options, in a way that friends and family, with their own biases, could not. In my personal case, the decision was taken out of my hands as I miscarried - but in hindsight, I am very glad that we did not have another child, though it was sad at the time.
www.mariestopes.org.uk/

If you choose to continue with this pregnancy, you are strong and can make it work. If you choose to terminate, you will be doing that as a loving parent making the best choice you can for your existing children.

Please do get help, you don't need to go to through this anxious and alone flowers

heathspeedwell Mon 30-Mar-20 12:59:51

Sending hugs. I agree with the pp who said that if you put things in place to have a termination, you then have the breathing space to change your mind and you're not trapped into one choice or the other.

This is such a frightening time for anyone, I hope you get a lot of support from your DH in whatever you choose to do.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Mon 30-Mar-20 13:01:54

I think you seen to be thinking it's going to break you, but I think it may not be the case. Your do have a stable home and support of your do. The isolation won't last forever. Lots of people have kids and small age gaps, it's not 'unfair' to the older kids all of a sudden. Lots of people have children late. I'm not saying you have to have this baby at all cost, but many things you are feeling are normal for most parents. I planned my second and still panicking how is gonna turn out once they are here. You need to make a list of things that worry you and think of those obstacles can be removed?

dottiedodah Mon 30-Mar-20 13:41:31

ATM the world for everyone has been turned upside down and it seems things will never be the same again .However hopefully we will come out of lockdown at some point sooner than later, and things wont seem so bad .(Professor for Govt says cases are down too, so maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel)Speak to the Advisor on Wednesday , you dont have to make an immediate decision surely.Think about what you need to do and dont make any sudden decisions you may regret later on.38 is not especially old these days, and you have a supportive family around you. .

Runnerduck34 Mon 30-Mar-20 21:15:58

This won't break you, you will get through this. I know it feels overwhelming, its a big shock and the world is upside down at the moment, but it wont last forever. Restrictions will lift and hopefully in 6 months we will be back to normal. You have a loving family and are financially secure, things could be a lot worse. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my fourth child, I went into freefall ,didnt think I would cope, booked an abortion but couldn't go through with it even though my head was telling me it was the right thing to do. DC is now 12 years old and I cant imagine life without them, it definitely was for the best though it did not feel like it at the time. I also have a 15 month gap between my eldest two and found the small age gap worked well, they are great friends have similar interests and needs.
You arent that much older than your last pregnancy so it will be ok. Having said all that if you feel abortion is the right route then there's no judgement here, do whats best for you but catch your breath , talk to DH, close friends and family and see your GP before making any knee jerk decisions. Good luck 💐

Myal Wed 06-May-20 01:08:18

@sunandrose, how are you?
I really hope things are better for you and just to let you know I know how you may he feeling as I was in the same position as you mid March.
Sending a virtual hug 🙏🏽

Pinkrose27 Wed 06-May-20 01:33:32

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. When I was almost 40 I fell pregnant after birth control failed, . With a disabled child and two very young children just a year apart I couldn’t go through with that pregnancy. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever made. Something I never thought I’d do but i knew I couldn’t cope with another child. The guilt was horrendous.

I wish you well xx

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