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In a muddle, if these were your circumstances, would you be trying for no. 3?

(7 Posts)
nicmum2boys Thu 30-Jun-05 11:10:06

Hi, I'm 35, have 2 wonderful DSs aged 23months and 4rs 10 months, and have always wanted 3 children. DH has always been dead set against having more than 2, but last year I fell pg accidentally, and then sadly suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks. This completely shook our relationship to the core, he was so releived when I had the mc, and I was devestated, and so hurt by his reaction. Then followed some 7 months of us barely talking definately not touching and really just going through the motions of being a family. I just couldn't forgive him for being glad that our baby had died, and couldn't understand why he couldn't connect the mc with losing a baby who would have grown up to be loved as much as our two little boys .
However, last month we finally sat down and talked it through, and eventually he realised what he had done (it took me saying that I felt there was this tiny baby up in heaven, and I was the only one who greived for him). This improved things slightly as I felt then that at least he was trying to understand how I was feeling, and admitting to himself how he felt about it, but still left us on opposite sides regarding having any more children, and hence still no "intimacy" (iykwim) between us.
Anyway, he went away on business for a week earlier this month, and when he came back he said he couldn't stand us being apart, and didn't want to lose me and his boys, so if I got pg so be it. (kind of what will be will be). Then followed much making up for lost time , and me desparately hoping I was pg........ but my period started as usual this week.
Now that having another baby might actually be a reality I'm starting to panic (no pleasing me, I know). We live in a 3 bedroom house, which needs alot of work doing to it, and we won't have the money to do that until I return to work after all the children start school. As we have only 3 beds, 2 children will have to share, but both DSs love having their own space. I feel I am asking them to make a sacrifice and like I'm being selfish. Also DH is blind, and this means most of the day to day stuff falls to me, he simply cant cook, clean, iron, drive, do the shopping, read stories, help with homework, decorate etc etc. I sometimes already feel pulled in too many directions, and that I can't do everything for everyone, how will it be in years to come?
Plus I am 35 and I've just been reading the thread about chances of genetic abnormalities, which has given me something else to think about.
But, all these are practical/financial worries, and they still don't stop my heart saying "but I want another baby". I cant believe I will never be pregnant again, never feel my baby kick inside me, never breast feed again , I just can't bring myself to say "I don't want anymore children" even though I know in my head it's the sensible choice.
Phew, sorry to ramble on, beleive me, I have cut a very long story short. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest really, feel like I'm going mad, can't think straight, and hoping somehow writing it all down will bring some clarity. Any advice/pearls of wisdom gratefully received nic x.

Listmaker Thu 30-Jun-05 11:14:49

I think there have been other threads about this and the conclusion was that it's not a head thing. AS you say if you were being sensible you'd never do it but it's an emotional thing. I really believe that however hard it would be you would never regret having another baby - how can you regret it once you see your baby?

I'm not really in this position as my two are enough and my relationship broke down and am now with a man who has 3 dds himself and has had the snip so that seals the deal really. Hopefully someone will advise you better soon!

nutcracker Thu 30-Jun-05 11:15:03

Hmmmmmmm you sound like me. I have 3 kids and would love another. We have mega money probs though and so cannot afford another one.
We do have the space for one though, but like you it would mean someone sharing and i'm not sure thats fair.

Anyway, I am about to go back to college but tbh feel awful that thats is, no more kids ever and i think i may well regret it.

Sorry not very helpful for you, just wanted you to know someone felt the same.

Mum2girls Thu 30-Jun-05 11:19:15

Nic - do you think this is about having a third child or never being pregnant again.. What I mean is, if you had a third, would you just be delaying the feelings that will come at some point, when you can't ever be pregnant again?

I hope I don't sound brutal, it's just that I think we all have pands that we won't feel babies kick again or feed them or hold them or whatever, but I think that is a sligtly different thing from wanting one more child.

Mum2girls Thu 30-Jun-05 11:19:42

Not pands, pangs

BellaLasagne Thu 30-Jun-05 11:20:20

Hi Nic,

I haven't any advice really, it's just that I remember you from the ttc threads and the tragedy of your mc, so hope this keeps your message active and that someone else will be along soon.

I know the heartache of desperately wanting another child when all the practical reasons are stacked against you, so just wanted to say hang on in there, and I hope talking about it online helps you. ((((hugs)))


nicmum2boys Thu 30-Jun-05 11:45:38

Mum2girls, you don't sound brutal, it has occured to me too. It is kind of a bit of both really. I really miss those all too short pregnancy and baby days. But, I always imagined I would have three. Back when we were trying for DS1, who took 2 years of trying to conceive, we had lots of people praying for us (am a christian), and I'll always remember one girl asking how many children we wanted so she could pray we would have that many, ( I said 3). I also remember a friend and church leader praying over me while I was pg with DS1 and she said "you will have more children" I thought it was a strange thing to say ( hadn't discussed numbers with her), that I would have more children rather than another child. Anyway, I could just be reading things that aren't there cos that's what I want them to say, I know, and I know that even if that's what was said then it doesn't mean it has to happen.
Hopefully that makes some sense??

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