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AM I STUPID-Id really appreciate views

(28 Posts)
kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:03:11

Hi everyone - I had boy twins 6 years ago via IVF because of male infertility. This was then followed by anxiety based PND plus almost 3 years withdrawal nightmare from a particular anti depressant.

Anyway I just cant get the thought out of my mind that I would love another baby. Am I mad?

Im 35 (altho DH 14 years older) - are we too old???
Plus should I think myself lucky that ive got two beautiful, healthy sons and just leave things as they are??

And what if the PND returned - is it fair to put my sons and DH through that??

Altho things would be a bit tight we could afford another little one and DH is happy to go ahead and try if thats what I really want....

Or will this ache for a baby just eventually go away as I get older???

starlover Thu 02-Jun-05 18:06:43

no, you're not mad... you're maternal!

you are NOT too old.
there is no guarantee the PND will return... but if it does you will be prepared for it, you can make sure that you have a good support system in place, and options for counselling if necessary.

If your DH is happy to go ahead, and if this is what you really want then go for it!

hatsoff Thu 02-Jun-05 18:14:41

you're not mad or stupid, but the one thing yuo maybe need to ask yourself is do you want another child - as well as a "baby". They tend to come together and the two questions are kind of different!

006 Thu 02-Jun-05 18:18:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tamum Thu 02-Jun-05 18:18:46

I don't know about the PND, but I decided we were too old after I had dd to have another baby (I was 37 by then, dh is also 14 years older) and although I know in my head that was the right decision, the longing doesn't go away IME. I would go for it, really.

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:31:31

Thanks the quick replies.

Yes it is the same partner - so would need IVF. (So no guarantee would work anyway).

Re. wanting another another 'child' (rather than just another baby). yes Ive thought about that quite a lot and I do agree there is a difference - but yes I would love another child.

I also gave a lot of thought to the question of boys and girls. Did I just want another child to have a daughter - what if it was a boy. Although I would love to have a girl I was determined that I should only go into it if I would equally love to have another boy. (which I would!)

Its so confusing - my head is definately saying no - but my heart just isnt really listening,

006 Thu 02-Jun-05 18:35:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:35:33

Sorry - meant to say re. depression. I didnt have any history before PND and the drs all feel that it was almost certainly hormone/chemical related (rather than down to life issues etc.)
So although I would undoubtably be very sad not to have anymore children I dont think it would lead to a 'depression'.
I agree with the thought that there is a higher incidence of PND after IVF. i have spoken to so many women who have been affected - I dont know if its due to the high levels of hormones you take.

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:37:39

No wouldnt be disappointed with another little boy - would be delighted!

Before I had my sons I REALLY wanted a girl because my family is full of girls and we didnt really DO boys. But they have been a wonderful (messy/noisy - all those othe stereotypes) suprise!

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:38:34

006 - did you find it really hard to come to that decision?

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 18:39:05

sorry should have tamum........

006 Thu 02-Jun-05 18:42:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tamum Thu 02-Jun-05 18:50:46

It seemed right at the time, kizzie, and I guess it was really (I should say I have another older child, if dd had been the only one I would almost certainly have tried again). It was my dh's age more than anything, and I didn't want to go through the heartbreak of trying and failing, or of having another miscarriage. My feelings about it all swither over time, but now it really is too late I do regret it, and I don't want you to

(I can't believe I've just said all that, I haven't really admitted it properly to anyone before!)

kizzie Thu 02-Jun-05 20:47:54

Thanks everyone for the replies.
Tamum -sorry i really hope this thread hasnt upset you

I think Im going to make an appointment with the clinic I went to originally and just talk it through with them.

One thing Im going to ask is if theres a possibility of trying a 'natural' cycle. (Ie just taking the egg that I naturally produce rather than stimulating the ovaries with drugs.) I dont even know if this is possible but just want to find out.

Thanks again for the thoughts XX

expatinscotland Thu 02-Jun-05 20:53:22

I wish you the best, kizzie. DH and I definitely don't want any more kids after 2. My mom tells me sometimes with the menopause you can get a little regretful, but by then it's too late.

But I am nearing 35, also had horrendous PND, and don't really enjoy pregnancy or labour/delivery. Plus, I fear problems and complications that could accompany advanced maternal age. And, I have a career goal that I've wanted to pursue for many years.

DH is 6.5 years younger than I am, and although he is a brilliant SAHD, he only wants 2 and wishes to pursue his goal of being a driving instructor.

It is no bad thing to not want anymore for us, but I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

expatinscotland Thu 02-Jun-05 20:56:51

Another thing to consider. How does your husband feel about another child?

It's an easy decision in our case b/c we're both in agreement on not having a third. But how does yours feel?

tamum Thu 02-Jun-05 21:00:14

Oh no kizzie, don't worry. Quite cathartic really!

expatinscotland Thu 02-Jun-05 21:01:50

(((HUGS))) tamum!

tamum Thu 02-Jun-05 21:03:10

Thank you {{}}} back!

Worriedbev Fri 03-Jun-05 08:35:52

Me and DH are definitely going for another child. I had one with a previous parnter, a dd of 11 and although I am 41 and my DH is 60 (even more years between us) we are still going for it. DH's sa was ok,but a little bit on the low side for motility but nothing major or so the doctor said and we are seeing a specialist in July to see if there are any problems with me. I expect everything will be fine if I could just relax each month but feel time is against me - my age. We are determined to get there as DH said it would give him a purpose in life to stop working and I would go back to work. He doesnt want to be dependent on me financially but if we have a child he would feel he was doing something towards things. We are both desperate for a child. He has 4 grown up children from a previous relationship but we would love one together. So dont give up hope either.

handlemecarefully Fri 03-Jun-05 08:46:20

Too old at 35 - are you for real! Of course you are not too old.

Re the PND - why not discuss how this might be managed with your GP?

handlemecarefully Fri 03-Jun-05 08:46:49

Good luck whatever you decide....

Toothache Fri 03-Jun-05 09:13:24

Kizzie - I know you've had a tough time with PND and you've given me some good advice in the past.

But it isn't inevitable that you will PND again. I haven't and dd is 10mths old now. Prepare yourself, prepare everyone around you and be open to accepting all the help going from friends family and the medical profession! Speak to your HV about it and see if she can organise to come around weekly towards the end of the pregnancy to chat to you about your fears/anxiety. And to keep an eye on the signs and allow you to build up a relationship of trust with her..... that way you will feel you can contact her about anything without feeling like you're imposing or being daft.
And also, there's MN!!!! The best place in the world to vent frustration, express fear or just to chat with others who know how you feel.

Please don't let PND control you're decision to have another baby.

...When that urge kicks in..... just go with the flow girl!

handlemecarefully Fri 03-Jun-05 09:57:20

Yes I would agree with that - it would be such a shame to let PDN govern your decision whether or not to have another child (and I do speak as a fellow sufferer - albeit mildly and 'well' when medicated).

Moreover your dh is prepared to go with it despite the 'risks'..

kizzie Sat 04-Jun-05 18:55:33

Well...DH and I had a long chat about it all last night. (and then there is an article in Times mag today about having 3 children).

we've decided to try and get an appointment with a specialist to discuss the possibility of 'natural ovulation' IVF. Although it has a lower rate of success it means me needing to use a lot less drugs. (This is DH's main concern - so he is much happier to go ahead this way.)

So fingers crossed .................

(Hi Toothache - lovely to see a note from you. Was actually thinking of you the other day when I was considering it all - because I remembered that you had worried about PND coming back and it didnt (hurrah). im really sorry to read you're going through a rought time. Hope it all gets better soon!!


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