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Anybody going through similar distress I need to know how to cope

(15 Posts)
lostitoday Mon 07-Sep-09 09:35:52

I have posted on here many times about my situation so alot of you will probably remember me.
I have been ttc for over 2 years and was told last October that I have premature ovarian failure (early menopause)and no hope of any more dc's.
I have not been able to come to terms with it and have been recieiving counselling.
I am having a hard time even looking at a pregant woman. seeing babies on telly anything to do with babies.
I was recieving some support off my older sister although I dopn,t think anyone can really know what this is like unless they have been thorugh it.
I feel quite lost and angry at the moment and I really don,t mean to sound so horrible and like a real selfish cow but my niece is pregnant my sisters dd and I feel nothing but resentment to all of my family including my sister for forgetting about me never asking me how I am.
I cannot bear family get togethers when they are all talking about the baby and looking at all of the baby things.
Family members coming up to me and showing what they have bought for the baby.
I have tried to take an interest and I am interested to a extent but at the same time I feel like screaming does nobody remember my distress at all.
I just don,t understand how they can forget about everything I have gone thorugh.
A freind of mine recently showed surprise when I said that it was still troubling me deeply and it was never off my mind she said that I seemed happier.
Please has anyone been or in a simialr situation to this how do I get rid of the resentment and feel happy for my niece instead of been consumed by all of this anger.
I am worried that eventually I will break down in front of everyone and show myself up and make my niece feel bad.
I have felt the tears welling up several times especially yesterday when we was looking at the nursery, the crib and all of he baby things she has collected.

skihorse Mon 07-Sep-09 09:54:40

I'm sorry you're hurting this way.

This is a really unhealthy way to be living your life and I would imagine that your entire family are suffering the wrath of your anger and resentment. How are your partner and children coping knowing that they are "not enough"?

I'm really pleased that you've had counselling, but at some point you need to make a conscious decision to move on too. The counselling will have given you the tools and in time things will fall in to place. But I really feel you need to start using your time constructively rather than building anger.

eleveld Mon 07-Sep-09 11:00:23

I feel that I do know exactly how you feel.

I am nearly 40, have no children after years of trying and it is now impossible for me to get pregnant because both tubes have now been lost due to severe endometriosis.

It is also not possible for me to have my own genetic child through IVF because of the state (or lack of) my own eggs. Therefore our only chance is to have one go at IVF with an egg donor (which we are just starting).

I understand how you feel as I have definitely been there myself but there came a time when I just thought to myself right I have two choices, I can either be miserable and resentful for the rest of my life or I can enjoy the rest of my life being very grateful for what I have got (which is a lot more than many people). I'd hate to get to the end of my life and look back with regret for not making the most of it because there was something I couldn't have.

You mention that you already have DC. Therefore the only advice I have is to try and concentrate on the great things you do have - DC, partner and enjoy those, rather than spending all your time dwelling on what you can't have. If you really do want more children could you consider other ways eg adoption.

There's not many people that get everything they want in life. If I don't end up having any children then obviously I'll be gutted but there's far worse situations I could be in.

That's my own personal view anyway.

Good luck

Mouette Mon 07-Sep-09 11:18:52

I would suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, if you haven't already tried it. I had it after my late mc last year, and it was invaluable - my SIL gave birth two weeks after I lost my baby and like you I felt overwhelming anger and despair - I had no children unlike you. I agree with eleveld - I decided that I would try two more times (I had a fertility problem as well BTW) then consider adoption. There are options - there are always options. Some things we simply can't change. We can either let ourselves be consumed by anger and jealousy or make the best of what we've got. But I know it's not easy. You are not alone. Hope you can find some peace soon. xx

lostitoday Mon 07-Sep-09 14:50:38

Thank you for your responses, mourette I am sorry about the mc.
eleveld I admire you for been able to deal with your situation it sounds awful and I wish you all of the best.
Its true that I do have one dc a ds aged 8 but with this has come the added pressure of him been an only when he grows up.
Part of my problem is that I should have tried the other side of 35 I am now coming up to 39 and I feel as though I have brought all of this on myself.
My dh doesn,t understand my desire for another he couldn,t care less if we have one or not, for this reason he will not support me in adoption or any form of medical intervention and I don,t think that I can afford it anyway.
I know I have to move on and it sounds awful but my nieces pregnancy has made it more difficult but I know its a fact of life and its me who has to deal with it.
I know there are women much worse off than me but when your in this situation you still feel as though your on your own.
At the moment I am torn between letting this go and seeking another opinion as last October one consultant told me thatI still have a chance naturally but I still have loads of questions going around in my head but at the same time I don,t know whether anyone has the answers anyway.
The trouble is that evryone else is telling me that my chances are very slim but I am till hanging onto that one consultants words.
My counsellor thinks I should try and get the answers but so far I have done nothing.

Mouette Mon 07-Sep-09 17:09:19

Ah, sure, we should be grateful for what we have, and there's always someone who's worse off, etc, but it doesn't really help, does it. You could give it a try anyway, regardless of what any doctors say? Then at least you can tell yourself you've done all you could and you won't have regrets. I wouldn't beat myself up over the age thing, I didn't start ttc until I was 35. 3 years later I have finally had my baby (son born last april), but as I'm 38, have a serious fertility problem and a condition that causes recurrent mc we won't be able to have another one - DH says he doesn't even want to try as we had such a terrible time. So I must come to terms with the fact I will only have him - my greatest fear is that I will lose him, silly thing I know. Nonetheless I know I am extremely lucky to have him. I think if I were you I would try and give it my best shot, without IVF (frankly at our age the success rate is very low anyway). All the best x

hippychick66 Tue 08-Sep-09 16:23:02

Mouette I do feel for you and I know how hard it is to want what others have. I can only try to tell it to you from the other point of view. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was helping run a group for Endometriosis sufferers. I was so pleased to find out I was pregnant after worrying about the endo, but I also felt incredibly guilty knowing that I was going to have to tell my friends who would all hate me and be jealous. Of course they didn't say that when I finally broke the news but I felt that I was making them feel sad. Eventually I realised that this was my pregnancy that I had just as much right to as anyone else and why shouldn't I enjoy it.

I'm sure your family haven't forgotten your situation. They are probably just choosing to focus on the positive news about your niece rather than make a big thing about your infertility.

You had a pregnancy that you got to enjoy, is your niece not entitled to the same?

I think you just have to put on a brave face and try not to see her too often. Please don't give up trying to conceive naturally. During my time at the endo group I heard of some real modern day miracles smile

hippychick66 Tue 08-Sep-09 16:29:10

Skihorse I like the line about 'your husband and child not being enough'. It's interesting. We are currently ttc #3 but due to my age (40+) it's possible that we wont be successful this time.

If this is the case and I have to accept that we are to have no more children - then I'm going to try to use that as my mastra. "My DH and 2 DS's are enough to make me happy!" grin

hippychick66 Tue 08-Sep-09 16:30:50

So sorry - that first message was meant to be for lostittoday what a numpty I am!

Mouette Tue 08-Sep-09 18:02:37

It's all right!
I comfort myself with the thought that I won't have to go through another pregnancy - no more bleeding, emergency scans, tests, operations, drugs, more scans, oh, no 24 h labour followed by emergency c-section either...

lovechoc Wed 09-Sep-09 12:55:35

I do feel for you going through this. NO one can possibly understand how hard a time you are having with all of this. Family sometimes make it worse, yet it's hard to avoid them.

I struggle to come to terms with friends falling pg when I'm still trying myself (for a second DC) and yet all these women around me are just falling pg like it happens all the time, naturally, without a care in the world. I no longer socialise with other mums who have went on to have more than one child as I find it too difficult to cope with. It's easier to enjoy the child I do have and to do activities where I can be with him on my own, or with close family.

Anyway, I hope you find a solution, either with more therapy or to talk to a relative that you can offload all your worries to.

hippychick66 Wed 09-Sep-09 15:46:07

Glad I didn't offend you with my mistake Moutte. It sounds like you've had a pretty hard time of it. Great that you still had it in you to be so encouraging and thoughful towards lostit. It sounds like you're in a good place now. xxx

Conundrumish Wed 09-Sep-09 16:30:10

I understand - the pain of wanting a baby, however many you have, is dreadful. The CBT idea sounds a good one.

Mouette Wed 09-Sep-09 20:00:04

Thanks hippychick - I have one at least, and I am very lucky to have him. I know there are plenty of women who would give their right arm to be in my place. We can all go through life wanting more than we can have... smile

Clure Thu 17-Sep-09 17:53:24

hi, i am in a similar situation to you lostiittoday I am 41. I have a DD aged 4 who was conceived with clomid. We have been trying for #2 for about 18 months. During this time my periods went awol. Hormone tests now show its likely I am heading for premature menopause. I've had 3 unsuccessful cycles of clomid and this week my consultant said that my best chance of conceiving is with IVF probably with donor eggs. DH and myself are still reeling at this news.
We are now wondering about a whole host of difficulties that lie ahead in making this decision.
I understand your frustration. Its almost like a bereivement in a way. I keep telling myself I have a beautiful DD, its tough as she has now started school and I'm REALLY feeling that empty nest syndrome.
Thats it really, i have no words of wisdom, just my experiences and my heart felt sympathies to all in a similar situation

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