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Friend has come to the end of the road with TTC/IVF

(12 Posts)
Ozziegirly Wed 19-Aug-09 05:14:34

And her final IVF cycle has failed. Understandably she is devestated.

She works with my DH and we are friends through him.

Is there anything I can do at all? I don't really want to send flowers as it seems a bit funereal, but if you were in this position would you want anything? A card? Chocolate? Us just to leave you alone?

I"m not really a close enough friend to know if she is the kind to retreat and not want to talk about it, or whether she would like a friendly ear.

I just feel so sad for her, she would be a wonderful mother.

ClaudiaSchiffer Wed 19-Aug-09 05:22:23

Gosh how awful for her. It's a real toughie isn't it if you don't really know her well enough.

How do you know she has come to this decision? Did she tell your dh? If so I guess I would probably send a card saying how sorry you are that she and her dh are going through such a tough time at the moment and you are available to listen to her should she need someone.

Very sad for your friend. But I expect she would appreciate some kindness.

Ozziegirly Wed 19-Aug-09 05:36:22

Yes she told my DH - I don't know what the reason is for it being the end of the road (money or health) - she is 39 so not too old (as far as I know).

I think they are relatively well off too so I can only imagine it's health reasons. She has had more than one cycle I think.

Yes, maybe a card is the right way to go.

In one tiny (semi unrelated) silver lining, it actually allowed me to explain to DH why this is so completely devastating for women and how it is tied up in all their hopes and dreams and their sense of being a woman, and I think (as he is having a bit of a waver about us TTC) he understands now that having a baby isn't like wanting a new dishwasher, but a primal instinct.

ClaudiaSchiffer Wed 19-Aug-09 07:27:35

It's odd isn't it, I just don't think men have the same need to reproduce that us women do. I know when we were going through ivf my dh wasn't really that bothered if it didn't work out - he would have been happy with a flash car/flat/holidays etc. whereas I would have been suicidal.

Ozziegirly Wed 19-Aug-09 08:25:38

I didn't realise you had gone through IVF. I'm so pleased it worked for you.

I agree re men - I don't think DH would be bothered if we never had children really. That's not to say he won't be a fantastic Dad, just that if I hadn't raised the subject I don't think he would have.

I think a lot of men have a very much "ïf it ain't broke, why fix it" mentality to babies - we are happy in a relationship, so why introduce something that has the capacity to make us less happy - foregoing that it could have the power to make us more happy.

Risk/reward thing. Weird.

Whereas I think for women all this is totally overidden by the pure hormonal drive to reproduce.

claireinthecommunity Wed 19-Aug-09 12:23:36

Hi Ozzie

Sorry to hear about what your friend is going through, good advice from ClaudiaSchiffer, I think a card would be the best next step too.

I haven't had a friend who's been through this, but one who's been through something quite devastating in her life, and she found the card I sent her offering support (if needed or wanted) very reassuring. Not that I was able to completely understand, but that I was able to empathize with the situation she was in and 'help' in anyway possible.

It's good that you have been able to use this episode to discuss things through with your DH about your own TTC situation, and (hopefully) get across to him what the enormity/importance of having a child is for women.

I agree with you both re the men thing too, my DH is happy for us to be TTC, but he would also be happy if we didn't have children - it was basically my decision to make. He will make a great dad though.

(By the way Ozzie I haven't been too well lately so haven't been posting, but I'm much better now) smile

Ozziegirly Wed 19-Aug-09 13:03:37

Hey claire! nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear you've not been well, I noticed you hadn't been around recently.

Yes, I agree with you re card, I'll get one tomorrow. I honestly don't know how she will cope with this.

She has said before that her DP drinks a bit too much (which I think we all know means drinks quite a lot too much) and I suspect to an extent she has stayed with him because of wanting a family. I wonder what will happen for them now. I suspect it will be a time of reckoning for her. (My DH is an alcoholic in recovery so I know what it's like living with it).

I will just try to be there for her.

Pleased to see you back Claire, it must ne nearly time for testing this month? I'm on CD21 - I don't feel I"ve been caught this month though, I'm symptom free again and have a few spots. Grr.

claireinthecommunity Wed 19-Aug-09 16:26:12

Thanks Ozzie, good to be back.

I'm on CD18, so not that different from you. Not sure if there's much chance for us this month as I've been unwell, but we did still manage a couple of times around my fertile time, so maybe...

Alcoholism, well, my father was an alcoholic when I was a teenager at home with him and mum. Very difficult to deal with and creates all sorts of problems for all those around. I've certainly had (still have) issues because of it.

It's good that your DH is in recovery and that you are obviously supporting him through it, I know it's tough.

Ozziegirly Thu 20-Aug-09 00:28:43

Yes, alcoholism is really a blight. DH was always I suppose a functioning alcoholic, in that he held down a good job and to the outside world we looked pretty much fine, but it really affected him, he suffered from anxiety and mild depression. He wasn't out drinking in the park at 9am or crashing cars, it really took the form of coming home from work and numbing the day by drinking heavily.

But since he has been in recovery it's like he is a different person - motivated, organised, go getting. It's amazing that we allowed alcohol to steal so many years from us, but I won't dwell on that, I like to just think about the positives that we have now.

It's interesting looking at it from this side, and seeing how actually quiute a few people we know really don't have a healthy relationship at all with alcohol. When we lived in London the liquid lunch was alive and kicking and it does normalise incredibly heavy drinking. It's no wonder that some people tip that over into actual problem drinking.

claireinthecommunity Thu 20-Aug-09 11:33:16

Yeah, I think it's an easy line to cross.

It's great that you have got your DH back and a new improved model to boot!

I've been taking some medication for a condition I've suffered with since my teens, It's made such a difference to my life and DH says I'm like a new improved version of my former self. He's stuck with me through a lot, it will have helped your DH greatly to know you are there for him.

Did you send a card to your friend yet?

Ozziegirly Fri 21-Aug-09 00:34:30

Yes, I sent a card yesterday. She was back at work yesterday with strict instructions to everyone not to mention it.

And I know what you mean re relationships. DH and I have been through a lot together in the last 10 years and if anything it has made us stronger as a couple. We figure out we have tested out "richer for poorer" and "sickness and in health" already - so the next 10 years should be a doddle...

claireinthecommunity Fri 21-Aug-09 11:38:21

Lets hope so, for us both smile

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