struggling

[dancingqueeen]

We've been ttc for a year now. its been a stressful year for me (for unrelated reasons) so part of me's not too worried yet that there's a problem. I try so hard not to get stressed about not being pregnant yet, and most of the time i am getting on with and enjoying life. but every so often the pain just comes bubbling up to the surface . I've been broody since I was about 17 on and off, but was so careful not to get pregnant until I was in a sensible position (29, good job, married, no debt).

I'm just really struggling at the minute to cope with seeing friends and relatives get pregnant the first /second month of trying, or 'accidentally', and now they're babies being born, all in the space of time when we've been trying. got yet another weekend awat coming up in a couple of weeks time and found out dh's cousin is going to be there with his little baby, and i'm just not sure i can bear it. i am of course pleased for them, but i'm so tired of being pleased for people. dh is really close to his cousin and would really like to see them as they live pretty much the other end of the country(and the rest of the family that will be there), but i'm just not sure I can face it.

However, I am worried how dh will react if I tell him this. last time, when I burst in to tears on finding out (by text) that my good friend was 'accidentally' pregnant, he was really angry, and said that by saying i was jealous of her it was like saying that being with him wasn't enough for me. Given the choice, he'd probably wait another year or two to before starting trying, so he's not been the most enthusiastic participant and he certainly doesn't seem gutted that it hasn't happened yet (although he says he will be happy when it does happen).

sorry if all this doesn't make much sense, i'm just really struggling today

[ZippysMum]

Oh DQ, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I know exactly how you are feeling - and there isn't an 'easy' answer - as I am sure you know. I can only speak from my experience. We had 6 years of TTC and during that time my best friend had 2 babies and my sis in law had 2 (1st one was born on the due date of my second miscarriage, 2nd 4 weeks after due date of 5th m/c).

In my experience, it helped me to face the painful feelings of being around other people's babies and children, and it really, really helped to have children in my life - even though they weren't mine. I have to say, though, it did take me at least a couple of years to get to that point, so it may be that you aren't ready yet.

My DH also couldn't understand why I would get upset when other people had babies. In the end he said to me "Just because they have had one it doesn't make it less likely that we will - there isn't a limited supply", which did kind of help. What also really helped was us pulling together with the attitude "We'll be OK, no matter what happens" - but again, that feeling took a bit longer than a year to solidify.

I guess I am rambling, and it probably isn't that helpful- just wanted you to know you are not alone and there are lots of TTC ers who feel or have felt just the same. Sending you un-mumsnetty hugs and hope you get through this (or get pg!) as soon and painlessly as possible...

[dancingqueeen]

thank you zippysmum, it gives me hope to know that even if it takes time it can still happen, those six years must have been so hard for you though

I know what you mean about find it easier to have children in your life. I feel like that when its people who are really close ( I adore my 2 month old neice, and love spending time with her. i longed for her to be born, so i could experience holding a baby etc), but I'm not sure I'm really ready to feel like that about people who i don't know so well (like dh's cousin's child). and I feel that at these kind of family parties I'm left out from the 'mummy' group, I went to one particularly awful party once where all the other girls there had babies (I didn't know them, it was dh's friends' wives) and they all just ignored me, totally, and when i tried to join in they just treated me like i wasn't entitled to be part of the discussion as I wasn't a mother yet . maybe I should be open with people that we are ttc, but I'm a very private person and its not really in my nature to discuss it

don't apologise for rambling , i think its the kind of topic that needs that kind of treatment to be honest, its not straightforward but a constant muddle of shifting emotions (no wonder dh's struggle to understand us!)

[WesternBelle]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I'm sure not all men (DPs/DHs) are the same but I do know of quite a few who just don't get how upsetting it is when friends and family fall pg and you are not.

I had a MC and found out my BF was also pg a week later. Not only that she was freakily exactly the same number of weeks pg I was so we would have had the same due date.

Not only that but I found out at the start of a weekend away together for a hen do and I asked what she wanted to drink, she said "I'm pg so can't".(hadn't told her about pg or MC, was planning on telling her after the weekend).

Of course I was thrilled for her but it was hard for me that weekend as everyone oohed and ahhed over the news. DH was sympathetic but felt like he had done his duty by saying "never mind" at the time then he got detached from it all, whereas it was ongoing for me as I had to see the scan pics, marvel over the bump etc. I never did tell her. Happily I did go on to get pg again .

I am currently finding temping to track ov useful, is this something you do/would do?

[dancingqueeen]

oh westernbelle that must have been so hard. thrilled for you you did get pg though

i haven't tried temping etc yet, I'm so wary of adding more pressure to myself, I think this would make me begin to get obsessed, whereas at the minute I can go for quite a while without really thinking about it or getting upset. but maybe I need to start thinking about doing this soon.

[dancingqueeen]

I mean pg again, sorry, that didn't come out well. obviously gutted for you that you mc, it must be such a horrible experience and taken a lot of strength to watch your friend's pregnancy progress

[ZippysMum]

Aaaaah yes DQ, people can be so unaware, can't they? That was also the absolute pits for me - mummy groups at social events where I longed / tried to join in but was excluded or worse still told "you can't understand unless you're a mother" (someone said this to me once!!). I also found my niece wonderful to be around. It really helped me to have online friends and support while I was trying to get through it.
WesternBelle - must have been so hard to get through that weekend with your friend. I agree that often DP/DH's find it hard to support - not because they don't care, but because it is hard I think for them to understand the biological hunger for a baby. What worked for us was for me to say "I need a hug" and just cry it out - and have additional support from women who had been through the same thing...

[dancingqueeen]

oh its a relief (in a kind of bad way) that the mummy group thing hasn't just happened to me. I do hope that when/ if I get pregnant I manage to be more considerate to childless friends

so true about the biological thing, I explained it in this terms to dh and it did help him I think to understand why I felt so strongly

yes, mumsnet is a lifesaver, I don't know any friends going through this (and in any event to me this is something I want to keep private) and it helps to know I'm not the only one going through these things (Even though it saddens me to hear people's stories )

[WesternBelle]

Thanks dancingqueeen and Zippysmum. It was a tough weekend especially the first night but thereafter, lots and lots of drinks later, the edge had been taken off a bit . And I did get my turn in the end, although there were times when I felt it would never be my turn.

Dancingqueeen, why not consider giving temping a try as a kind of science experiment You could tell yourself you are temping to get to know your cycle for when you DO start TTC for definate IYKNIM.

There's only one 24 hour window in every cycle in which you can get pg so you could theoretically miss it over and again if you weren't particularly looking out for it, and temping is the best known indicator of OV, bar perhaps blood tests every day (a bit impractical!)

What I mean to say is that instead of spending the whole month thinking about BD you can just make sure you do during the relevant week of ov, and the rest of the month's BD, is just for fun not fun + babies! Also you needn't tell your DH all about when you are OV/going to OV, which takes the pressure off them

I was a bit about temping but now it's second nature - take temp in morning, jot down temp and date. A significant temp rise shows OV has taken place.

Big apologies if you already know all this stuff.

[dancingqueeen]

no no, I didn't know that stuff, thank you. I should really, I like you're suggestion of calling it an 'experiment'. up till now the other stress in my life (an awful job, which i eventually quit) meant I didn't dare add the pressure of temping, but maybe now it would feel like a constructive step (and, as you say, no need for dh to be informed, he can just think it's his lucky night )

thank you so much for posting both of you, I feel a bit better already , I think just knowing I'm not the only one who's been through these emotions

[eveywoo77]

Dancingqueen I am in the same boat as you been TTC for 13 months now just started 3rd cycle clomid. DP brother announced they we preg about 2 months ago. They are both very over weight both smoke and drink they have only been together 6 months decided they wanted a baby after 2 months and caught 1st bloody month, I the same as you sick to death of being happy for people i am beginning to feel very bitter and twisted towards life in general. We had a family party last weekend where everyone was congrat them. It was hard there is no denying it but you just have to get through it a nd plough on and just hope that next month you will have got to the front of the queue and its your turn. So honey your not alone you never will be with us lot on here. I know its hard but just take each day at a time xxxxxxxx

[dancingqueeen]

oh eveywoo that must be tough for you , its hard when people close catch so easily, as then they have no understanding of how hard it can be for others (I keep listening to these people plan exactly when they want their second baby, like they just have to pick a month and it will happen!)

think I'm starting to feel like you, a bit bitter about it all, think its time for another break from the successful breeders and to spend some time with single/ childless friends, it does help a bit I find

take care, and I hope clomid works its magic for you

[skihorse]

dancingqueen you are not alone with these feelings. The more I read (and hear) it seems that an enormous number of pregnancies come about by "accident"... then there are those who fall first month. If you don't fall in to either of those categories you send yourself doolally. If I'm honest, it's the accidents which piss me off more than anything - I am 35 and I took care not to become a statistic... I have never been sloppy with contraception.

[cupcakefairy]

Hi girls just wanted to join in with saying 'you're not alone'!
DQ my dh and I ve been trying since December, I got pg in Feb but miscarried and have been trying again since... I too get really annoyed hearing people plan their babies.. friends just the other day were saying they're going to plan their second baby so she is in the second trimester when they go on holiday as that's when she'll feel the best! I felt like shouting 'but you have no idea how it will work out!'
I also nearly started crying in my office the other day when a friend announced her pregnancy on fb with a scan picture.

I have to concur on DHs just not 'getting it' about it being upsetting. They probably also feel a little down as they haven't been able to 'perform their manly duty' and get us up the duff...

I really recommend temping too though; as westernbelle says you could be missing the window every month otherwise. Medical professionals will tell you almost every woman ovulates on day 14 but that is crap. Hardly anyone I know/have spoken to on here does... mine is always day 17, 18 or 19...even later if I am stressed. You can chart on fertility friend (google it) Good luck and I really hope you get your success story.

[Treil]

Hi ladies, you all have my complete sympathy.

Dancingqueen I could have written that opening post myself, I have even considered leaving facebook becuase I find it so hard to see yet more pictures of someone else's scan/bump/newborn. A part of me feels so guilty for thinking this but another part of me thinks i'm entitled

skihorse I too went to great lengths to ensure I didn't get pg 'accidentally', have been with DP 11 years and it has taken us that long to be settled, secure in our relationship, debt free and on the property ladder. I am proud of our achievements but feel like having a baby makes everyone part of a secret club that i'm excluded from. Sometimes I even feel like i'm not a real woman because i've never given birth

Tried tracking my cycle last month and it nearly drove me insane so we're going for the 'at it like rabbits' approach this month and completely ignore EWCM etc. Bit of a rebel at heart!

Sorry for the me, me ,me post but it just goes to show we're all in the same boat!

[Treil]

Oh, and DP's version of being understanding is to say 'it will happen when it happens'. Cue tears and tantrums and 'you can't want it as much as me' but he does. I think men feel like they have no control over it so don't try to. Whereas women, on the whole, are control freaks and take it as a personal affront when our bodies don't obey... just speaking for myself of course

[WesternBelle]

I completely second what cupcakefairy says re day of ov - I have a 35 day cycle and ov around day 21-22. I was totally unaware of this before.

Hope you are feeling a bit better dancingqueeen. although I know that it's easier said than done...

[lovechoc]

sorry for everyone having a tough time on this thread. we have one child already but ttc the second and it's just not happening

As for DH he gets very annoyed when I mention 'babies', he just wants to have sex and let it happen without me harping on about the subject. Talking about 'babies' puts him off and he feels under pressure to perform. So I'm trying hard not to talk 'babies' and just do sex for the fun of it. Not easy when really at the back of your mind you are thinking 'oh this could be the month!!'.

[dancingqueeen]

thank you ladies for all your replies. its sad to realise how many people are going through this. I'm feeling a bit better today, but really only by keeping busy so I don't have time to think about it. am going to try temping though now, it is certainly worth a try.

Treil I'm sure you've got a bit of a point about the control thing, that's totally how I feel. every other aspect of my life I can plan for and organise for and this one thing I don't have any control over and its the thing I want the most.

cupcakefairy yes I know a couple of people who are exactly the same! it amazes and upsets me the certainty with which they can talk about exactly when they want to get pregnant next. on a similar vein, I found it really hard to listen to people who'd got pregnant very quickly really really moan about being pregnant, when I would have done anything to be in that position.