pressured husband

[Georgies]

Oh my goodness surely there must be someone else out there going through this same awful thing? We're trying for our first baby, instigated by me I have to say, I'm 33 and my husband is 45. The problem is when I say 'trying' there always seems to be an excuse not to have sex during my fertile period (and it's not me going on about it he knows when it is honest!) when i raise it (if only I could!) he says he feels pressured to perform and i just don't know what to do, am gradually getting more and more upset abut it and can't talk to him because surely that will heap on more pressure. Had a miscarriage a month ago in very early stages of pregnancy so this hasn't helped. He assures me he wants a child but all the actions seem as though he doesn't. Help please...advice very welcome

[BlueSmarties]

I'm being a bit presumptious here because I don't know you but have a bit of experience. I guess when you lost your baby you were pretty devasted. Maybe he's scared of putting you through that again.

You could either talk it through with him.
Or

• what i did - take the baby issue totally of the table - keep all your ovulation secrets to yourself - and just go for rampant sex all the time. The more you have sex the more he'll want to do it, if you're more relaxed you're more likely to conceive and no-one's ovulation date is set in stone so you might hit the jackpot by accident - which i what happened for me, twice :-)

Good luck. This is the fun bit.

[Georgies]

Haha yes thanks for that, this was what was worrying me because it isn't feeling so much like fun!

Rather by chance he just walked in on me after I'd left that note up on the computer entirely by accident and explained that he was scared of us going through miscarriage again, he didn't know I was feeling this way. Urgh, it has been pretty horrible but I know millions of women go through it so have been trying to keep a good old stiff british upper lip which obviously hasn't worked so well in this case.

Thank you so much for your time, I think just writing it down and getting off my chest helped in first instance but your reply is 100% correct. Best get some jazzie undies and heels on then....

Thanks very much x

[BlueSmarties]

Your welcome- maybe I should persue a career is psychology!
Forget the stiff upper lip - its bollocks. My philosophy is feel it now or feel it worse later, you can't bury pain it will come back. Lots of women do go through it - but it doesn't make it ok. We'll all loose loved ones but it doesn't mean its not painful.

On a lighter note and it might be too much info - I took fertility drugs to conceive ds1 and had gone past the ovulation time without any symptoms described by consultant so went out and got very drunk, came home for a fun fun night with baby-making totally off the menu for the next month as dh aware dates had been and gone - and got pregnant. Dates and scans confirmed ovulation was late and drunken night of wild abandon was source of ds1 :-)

[WestYorkshireGirl]

Hello

This is my first post. Am also TTC and DH has said he feels pressurised 'to perform'. Interesting you said you kept the detail e.g. ovulation dates out of conversation. I thought he would like to be involved in all of that and it might make it a bit 'sexier', but it seems to have had opposite effect. Had big argument over several days, but have discussed it today and am hoping all settles down a bit. Is Wedding Anniversary on Thurs so maybe this will help get things back on track. Any other tips for not letting BD become mechanical? Hope I have done this right....!?

[PicknMix]

Hi WestYorkshire, it sounds like you probably need to follow the advice of Bluesmarties and keep all ov info to yourself unless dh specifically asks. I found a happy medium - my dh quite likes the science bit so would have a look at my temperature charts but I would generally only share them after ov i.e. when the pressure was off.

3yrs in for us and sadly still no sign of a baby so its not so much about the pressure anymore. Make sure you enjoy this time together - it should be exciting so try not to get too bogged down in the minutae. I have a friend who has been ttc for 3 months who is already panicking - please remember it takes the average couple a year to conceive and yes, its difficult to accept but it makes life a hell of a lot easier when you do .

Georgie I'm sorry to read of your mc and wish you the best of luck for the future.

[WestYorkshireGirl]

Thanks PicknMix. Very sorry to hear things are progressing slowly for you. I hope something happens soon .

[Manchichi]

my dh felt the same so in the end i backed off, pretended to forget about it all, calculated my most fertile time and cracked open a lager for him. we have a year old baby boy and if i look back on my calendar NOv 17 2007 has 3 red XXX on it to remind me to wear my good knickers, shave my legs and stop off for beer on the way home from work.

[ABetaDad]

Georgies - it sounds to me like your DH has been affected badly by the miscarriage. You and WestYorkshireGirl may find this long post useful that I made a while ago about what happened and how I felt under massive pressure to perform while TTC.

To put it mildly, I was in a right state but figured out the answers for myself and we eventually had two children. It got the point though that I could not maintain an erection or ejaculate and it got so bad that I dreaded the approaching fertile days.

However, I could put some practical steps at the liked post about how to deal with it.

[ABetaDad]

That last sentence should read:

"However, I put some practical steps in the linked post about how to deal with it."

[WestYorkshireGirl]

Thanks very much ABetaDad - really good to read about the male perspective.