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Trying for another baby without agreement of dp?

(55 Posts)
scoobysnax Tue 06-May-03 19:37:31

I am considering another baby by subterfuge...does anyone have experience of this?

edgarcat Tue 06-May-03 19:44:34

Message withdrawn

boogs Tue 06-May-03 19:45:57

Not personally but my sister sneakily conceived her second child without her dp knowing or consenting. I think it's a woman's perogative, because we do most of the work! In a politically correct world both parents should have equal say, etc,etc, but as things are not really 'equal' this is one chance for a woman to exercise 100% control. Go Girl!!!!!

Mum2Toby Tue 06-May-03 19:56:18

My Mum's 4th (my youngest Brother) was a little 'accident'!!

My Dad thought ( and to this day STILL thinks) she was on the pill! She confessed all to my sis and I after he was born.

If you know he won't leave you..... which obvious;y he won;t coz accidents happen.... GO FOR IT!!! WOMEN IN CHARGE!!!

pupuce Tue 06-May-03 20:00:56

How much of a disagreement is this.... seriously.
Does he NOT want one or would rather not have one... why does he not want one?

Mum2Toby Tue 06-May-03 20:12:59

Scoobysnax - does dp read Mumsnet??

If so, I think you'd better make sure you change your name before posting on the "Anybody else trying to conceive?3" Thread. That might be a bit of a give away.

LOL..

Freyah Tue 06-May-03 21:57:19

What are his reasons for not wanting another baby?

Lindy Tue 06-May-03 22:12:14

Sorry to sound a kill joy but I think this is very dangerous territory if your DP seriously does not want another child ...... of course, he might not leave you because of it but it will surely put a huge strain on your relationship - and is it fair on the baby?

jasper Tue 06-May-03 23:01:59

I'm with Lindy.
Having another baby even WITH the consent of dp will put a huge strain on the relationship

WideWebWitch Wed 07-May-03 02:12:13

I'm with Lindy and Jasper too. Why do you need to resort to subterfuge? What are his reasons for not wanting another? How many do you have? How badly do you want another? Sorry, a lot of questions there but I really think having a baby should be a joint decision. Although you might think you're the one who does most of the work it's still life changing and I think both parties have a right to a say.

winnie1 Wed 07-May-03 08:24:46

Don't do it! This is not a little white lie, this is huge and as others have said two consenting adults choosing to bring a child into the world can bring problems. I think talking about his reasons for not and your reasons for is a much more constructive way to go before there is an innocent little life in the middle of it.
Sorry!

SoupDragon Wed 07-May-03 08:30:44

I'd be very wary about this too. The closest thing I can think to compare it to is how would you feel if DP had a vasectomy, didn't tell you and pretended to "try" for another baby? ie did an Ian Beale. It's the same level of deception.

Both parents have to want the child. Yes, accidents *do* happen but what would happen if your DP found out it wasn't an accident?

RushingAround Wed 07-May-03 09:41:53

I'd advocate caution too, but your circumstances might be different from mine - maybe you are younger than we are. I just started up a new thread yesterday, on the fact that my dh says he's too old to have another child now (44), ie that he'd be retiring when that child was still a teenager.

I've felt that I've wanted a 3rd child ever since having my dd 2.5 years ago, and know that if I/we don't "go for it" in the next month or so, the age gap, and our own ages, really will be against us.

DH has never been keen on the idea of a third, but I thought perhaps I'd 'bring him round'. When I didn't seem to be succeeding in the last few months, I started thinking that a 'little accident' would do the trick.

Then last month I really thought I was feeling all the signs of early pregnancy. I didn't know what to think, I sort of hugged the thought to myself for a few days, but all the while I was almost fearful about telling dh. And when I did tell him, in a roundabout way, he said "Oh God, you're not trying to tell me that are you?". I realised, in an awful clarity, that what I'd (thought I'd) done actually was completely wrong, because the decision to have a child really Should be a joint one.

I realised that our relationship was going to be severely tried - and did I really want to risk that? The trust might be lost. Maybe he would always resent me and the new child. Also, from the other side of fence as it were, thinking that there was a third one on the way, I looked at what I had already - and realised just how much I did have. I didn't let myself think positively about a third after all, because in the end I realised that my marriage and existing family were more important.
Mixed up? moi?

Anyhow it was all a false alarm as my period duly came. But the whole episode has given me the chance to question did I Really want another after all? I'd still answer yes, but I know that I cannot trick dh, and that I just couldn't go thru' the enormity of pregnancy and raising a new child, without the total support and agreement of its father. If he really is that reluctant and adamant, then I should respect that. But it must have given him food for thought too, in seeing just how intensely it's on my mind.

HTH - and good luck!
BTW, there are some older threads on the same subject, which I've spent time looking through recently. Lindy, I found your points really interesting.

Mum2Toby Wed 07-May-03 09:49:24

Rushingaround - what if it had been a genuine mistake on BOTH your parts. Like someone said earlier accidents happen even when all the precautions are taken.

Would your dp/dh resent you and would you feel guilty for the rest of your life? It wouldn't be your fault and I don't think it's fair to you that if an accident happened you would be made to feel terrible/guilty/responsible etc etc.

My brother is 11 and my Dad still doesn't know!

eefs Wed 07-May-03 10:14:46

I would have thought why not, but Lindy's example made me pause for thought. It would be a similar betrayal.
My DP was never crazy about the idea of having another child until we were married, I was thinking about the potentially huge age gap as I feel far too young to get married (but old enough for children?). I simply came off the pill one day (i was having other problems with it as well) and told my DP that contraception was now his responsibility. I'm now 11 wks pregnant, and am surprised at how shocked I felt at being pregnant again, so have a good idea how my DP feels. Hopefully the scan next week will bring it all home to us.
I suppose my point is that you need to be aware that it could have a negative effect on your relationship, accident or deliberate. Why does he not want anymore?

RushingAround Wed 07-May-03 10:21:34

Oh yes, I know and I'm genuinely delighted for people where that's happened and it's been ok. My 'mistake' if you like, has been to talk about it too much to dh in the last year or so! The result has been that he's even more entrenched than he might've been before.

Ah well, maybe what I really need is a little dog or a guinea pig . I'd dress it up in the old beloved baby clothes and wheel it round in a pram. Then we'll all be happy, me, dh, ds and dd. Shame for the poor old dog tho' .

tigermoth Wed 07-May-03 11:08:42

Don't know how entrenched your dp's views are on not having another baby, scoobysnax. If he's simply dithering a bit, he might come round to the news of your pregnancy pretty quickly if he sees you are happy about it. Would you tell him it was an accident?

Does he like being a father? Is he into babies and toddlers, is he OK about the lack of sleep, the nappies etc? How he's coped with your first child is going to be a good indication of how he'll cope with another IMO.

But ultimately I agree with the messages that say be cautious about deceiving him.

I had to persuade my dh to let us try for another baby. We talked and he came round to the idea, and he certainly loves his youngest son. But it did put a strain on our relationship, especially in the first two years.

My dh did not want to go back to baby-and-toddler-land. He had given up his job when my oldest son was 2 and had studied while being his main carer until my son was 5. He enjoyed it at the time but felt enough was enough.

When my youngest son was little, I found my husband less supportive. He was working, granted, but even when he was not, I did all the nappy changing and if I needed time alone, I really had to twist my husband's arm before he would look after my baby son. He definitely felt some resentment even though he had agreed to us trying for another. He said because he loved me he had 'given in to my wish'. If I complained about my baby son he could say 'well this was your choice, now live with it'

It was only when my youngest son began to walk and talk that things got better. Even now, with my sons aged 9 and 3.8 months, my dh has a stronger bond with the eldest. Things are getting more equal all the time, now, but the early two years were hard. Even now, our family is often divided into two units - oldest son and dh, youngest son and me. My youngest son still has a stronger bond with me. My husband loves his youngest son, but admits he has a stonger bond with his eldest. And I think it will take years before the last vestiges of my husband's resentment finally go.

Of course, the age gap between my two sons didn't help at all. To my husband our happy, chatty 6 year old son (who adored his father) was much easier to look after than a 1 year old baby. As my youngest grows up, I am sure things will change, especially once my oldest enters puberty and possibley starts rejecting his father for a while.

If the age gap is not so great in your case, you may find things a lot easier, but if my experience is anything to go on, if you choose to get pregnant on purpose, things could be a bit bumpy for a while.

judetheobscure Wed 07-May-03 12:09:52

I had the same with my dh (understandably) about trying for no.5. He was dead against it for nearly two years. I tried not to make it obvious how much I wanted one - the only thing I said was, whenever people asked "are you stopping at 4" he would say yes and I would say "I'd like another one but he wouldn't!". About three months ago he changed his mind. Couldn't believe it! Seems to be a result of talking to his best friend who probably said something like it meant more to me than to him (ie it wasn't going to make much difference to him, esp.in the long run) so better to keep me happy/un-resentful.

So in a roundabout way - I'm saying, your dp might change his mind. I don't think I would have gone for subterfuge though. It would have wrecked any trust he had in me. Having said that, ds1 & ds3 were accidents so he may have been none the wiser?!

scoobysnax Wed 07-May-03 12:47:44

To boogs and Mum2Toby - thanks to both of you for sharing your positive stories!
A few questions have come up so I thought I had better divulge a bit more of the idea that I'm considering!
I am not thinking of actively deceiving dp, just having sex at appropriate times without contraception.
Dp is not likely to turn down sex just because I am not using contraception and he isn't prepared to use condoms, so there will be a risk of pregnancy which he will tacitly accept.
If asked, he doesn't want another baby for the same reasons he didn't plan to have our first - money and time really. However he is a good father and parenthood has been the best experience of his life. He says that if he won the lottery then he would want more children.
I think I may be shocking some of you in my approach to life, but dp and I would never have had dd if we had had to make a considered decision and that would have been tragic.
If SimonHoward or any mumsnetting men had a view on this one it would be interesting...

EmmaTMG Wed 07-May-03 12:47:57

Personally I couldn't do it. I really wanted a 3rd baby from when DS2 was about 5 months(he's 22 months now) and quite a few people said to do it without him knowing but I just couldn't live with myself if I had done it.
Anyway my DH did change his mind in the end and I'm now 20 weeks PG so if I were you I would just keep trying to talk him round. And incidently DH pays more attention to this fat belly of mine that he did with the other two, he's really excited about it so I'm naturally over the moon.

Mum2Toby Wed 07-May-03 12:53:45

Scoobysnax - you're not really deceiving him then. Coz he knows how babies are made and if he won't use a condom then BINGO... you'll get pregnant!

If we always waited for the bestest time to have a child then the world would be a quiet place! My dp would have suggested we got a house together but I just went ahead and bought one anyway! And he loves it!!

Mum2Toby Wed 07-May-03 12:54:37

I meant dp would NEVER have suggested.... to quick on the button there!!

scoobysnax Wed 07-May-03 13:43:25

Mum2Toby - at this rate I will be naming baby 2 after you!

Mum2Toby Wed 07-May-03 14:11:24

No probs. My name is fattyfattybumface

scoobysnax Wed 07-May-03 15:29:09

OK, the plan is off, we cannot have any more people with the same name in my family...

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