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How do I deal with pregnant relative in my situation

(25 Posts)
crazedupmom Sun 28-Jun-09 21:33:44

I can,t tell you how devastated I feel about my situation.
I have been ttc for 2 years and have found out that I am having an early menopasue.
I am so heartbroken at no more dc's that I am in tears every day about it.
To top all of this off a family member is pregnant and I am having to watch her expanding bump and hers and her partners joy at the impending arrival.
I know I probably sound like a real selfish cow but I feel tortured every time I see my relative.
I hate how I feel around her and I feel such a longing to be in her place.
I am finding it hard to deal with.
I feel so lost when all of the family sit there talking about the baby that there has been occasions I have had to go out the room for a cry.
Please is anyone going through similar to this how the hell do you deal with a pregnant relative when you have been trying yourself and find out there is no hope.
I feel like screaming everytime somebody caresses her bump right in front of my face.
I hate the way I feel I wish I could be happy for her.

wrongsideof40 Sun 28-Jun-09 23:12:09

I am so sorry for your situation - you are understandably very upset - do you have people to talk to ? Does your (wider) family know your situation/how you feel ? Perhaps you could avoid this pg person for a while ?

eleveld Mon 29-Jun-09 08:43:24

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low.

It's a very difficult situation, I do have some empathy with how you feel.

We have no children, have been trying for 2 years and have been told that it is medically impossible and never going to happen.

And there seems to be pregnant women everywhere! All my friends are either pregnant or have babies.

There is no easy way to deal with it.

The only way I deal with it is to concentrate on the good things we have got in our life rather than dwelling on what we can't have. Whilst I am devastated I can't have children I don't want to get 20 years down the line, look backl and regret not making the most of life with what we've got. The way I look at it is that there is always someone worse off than you.

And perhaps try and avoid too much contact with this pregnant relative whilst you are feeling so low.

Take care

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 08:46:23

you need to find a way to be happy for her, seperate her situation adn yours.

i do feel for you, i have been ttc for 4 years but honestly i made an effort from day one not to be jealous or crazed about pregnant women. its not their fault and you are just torturing yourself.

Neeko Mon 29-Jun-09 08:51:52

I don't know if this helps but a friend of mine who had a m/c a long time ago had a friend whose baby was born at the same time as my friend's should have been. She said she made a special effort to be really involved in the child's life and that eased the hurt. I know that's my plan of action when my best friend has her baby in September. She's due the same week as my lost little one would have been. I know it's not the same thing for you though. Try just to take things one day at a time.

BonsoirAnna Mon 29-Jun-09 08:54:05

I don't think anyone who already has one healthy child has the right to be quite so upset about someone else's pregnancy, even if they themselves would love more children.

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 08:55:53

jesus christ BonsoirAnna that is such a shite thing to say.

BonsoirAnna Mon 29-Jun-09 08:58:58

Why? I would have loved more children but it's not going to happen. What benefit is there to anyone at all to mope about it or, worse still, begrudge other people their children? Enjoy what you have.

And when other people think I should be sympathetic because they would like more children, I feel very short-tempered indeed.

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 09:01:29

is there a physical reason you can't have more children? (sorry to be so personal) but the process of ttc is fairly horrendous and quite different from simply not having more because you or your partner decide not to.

BonsoirAnna Mon 29-Jun-09 09:02:31

Yes, there is a physical reason - it's not my choice.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 29-Jun-09 09:02:55

Anna, people have every right to have feelings, however irrational or unpleasant those feelings may be. It's never wrong to feel something, it's people's actions that matter.
OP. remind yourseolf first of all that these feelings will pass. In time you will come to terms with not having more DC. For the moment, it is probably best to minimize your contact with the PG woman - is she someone you get on well enough with to be able to explain 'I am really pleased for you but because of my own situation I find it a bit upsetting to be around you, please excuse me and please accept that I do wish you well...'

BonsoirAnna Mon 29-Jun-09 09:03:57

I don't think that's true. Not all feelings are justifiable.

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 09:05:21

sorry to hear that anna. i do agree slightly with the sentiment. but just think you could have phrased it slightly better.

BonsoirAnna Mon 29-Jun-09 09:07:29

Really? I find my phrasing very measured compared to your response to it smile

crazedupmom Mon 29-Jun-09 09:18:15

I do understand Bonsiours comment as I have thought the same of myself what right have I got to feel like this but still I can,t seem to help my feelings.
I am truly heartbroken and very bitter about my situation.
My family are aware of my situation unsure as to whether my pregnant relative is though.
Yet I know that there is women much worse off who are probably just getting on with their lives as best as they can.
I have taken this so badly and even now I can,t deal with this crap I do feel pathetic.
I am not after sympathy but my feelings are killing me and I don,t seem to be able to function anymore for thinking about it.

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 09:27:42

your hormones are probably all over the place. have you received any advice about dealing with the menopause.

don't add guilt on top of everything else!

take care.

Anna - touché

crazedupmom Mon 29-Jun-09 09:33:59

The advice has been shite sorry for that but thats how I have felt about every doctor gyno that I have seen.

chevre Mon 29-Jun-09 09:43:32

have you started a thread about it? i know what you mean bout doctors.

Ailz Mon 29-Jun-09 18:48:29

i have been hovering and am upset at BonsoirAnna's comments so felt i should write. i too have one child and have been trying for 2 years for another. the problem with the comment for me is your use of the word 'right'. we all have the right to feel whatever we feel. do you think for one moment that any of us WANT to spend 2 years obsessing, crying, hiding our feelings, fending off insensitive people's comments and questions? how would you say we have no right to our feelings? I agree completely it is a SHITE thing to say and i never swear. i am going to forget it was said, shake it off. How can anyone say that someone's feelings are not justifiable. you are a different person, you are not her. she does not need to justify her feelings to anyone in the world.
Crazedupmom, i am SO sorry for your situation. i agree that you should stay away from pg woman for a while, see her when you are ready. I am not going through early menopause, so i cannot completely empathise, however i am surrounded by pregnant women and it devastates me...sometimes. sometimes i just shake it off, other times i go into a sad place.
My only advice to you, if you want it, if you dont, please ignore or dont read, is: if and when you are ready, move on to another plan. Adopt, foster, travel the world, volunteer. do something amazing with your life, if you have not already (bit presumptious of me) it is just that we mums tend to give our all to the kids!
I wish you the very best of luck, talk to someone, be as positive as you can, dont let the dark feelings in, replace them with good ones. dont give up on all the blessings that you have. good luck x

canttouchthis Mon 29-Jun-09 20:21:39

I know how OP feels, I've been trying for just shy of 2 yrs too, and I have lost count the amount of pg people I've seen lately and also the amount of pg announcements from friends this year alone who are due a baby. It is very difficult but I am happy for these people, even if a tiny part of me is envious.

It's a normal emotion and don't feel you are the only one, OP. Life can be truly s**t sometimes

canttouchthis Mon 29-Jun-09 20:26:24

No one should feel guilty for the way they feel, it's better to be open about your feelings (however irrational others may think they are), because someone somewhere is feeling just like you.

mermaidspurse Mon 29-Jun-09 23:10:04

ailz that is well put and sums up what I wanted to write almost exactly.
This is not a thread from AIBU and deserves compassion and understanding.
Early menopause must be devastating the op is going through the long painful process of mourning and loss of what will never be. It doesn't matter if she had 4 kids it's still a loss and should never be brushed under the carpet with a stiff upper lip.
Its not moping its learning to adjust and function again.

SmilingEi Mon 29-Jun-09 23:49:56


i couldnt read this and not post x

i read the comment made by bonsoiranna with my mouth gaping like >>>>shock this!!!
what a terribly insensitive and completely tactless comment to be made!!!shockshock anna you speak of 'rights' to feelings, well does that not work both ways?? ou therefore have 'no right' to feel as you do!!

i have been TTC for 2 years for my second child. i have had 3 MC during that time which have been caused by an inherited medical condition (which was discovered after MC#2-3rd MC altogether now 4MC undr my belt) i already have one DD who is healthy and happy and as far as my medical diagnosis goes she was practically a miracle child as my condition causes blood clotting in the placenta and pretty much dashes most hope of successful pregnancy. does the fact that i have one already mean that all instinct to expand my family should be suppressed as i have no right to wish for more than one child??
if you indeed have suffered the devastation of infertility whether within a childless couple or not you would have more insight into the feelings of someone going through an uncontrollable and emotionally unstable time!!angry

OP i agree that a break from all things pregnancy related would give you a chance to work through your feelings as at some point if you suppress these feelings they will most definitely come and bite you on the bum smile

xx ei xx

Ailz Tue 30-Jun-09 10:37:58

SmilingEi sorry to hear about all those MCs. I live in fear of it, i really do. my hat goes off to anyone who picks up the pieces and moves on to try again. i wish you luck with your plans for the future, whatever you choose to do. I agree with all you said above. my mouth gaped open too and i felt myself go hot with rage!
Good luck to you all, i am thinking of you.

SmilingEi Tue 30-Jun-09 14:40:59

thanks ailzsmile

xx ei xx

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