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MC and over enthusiastic friends

(17 Posts)
honeymooner Tue 23-Jun-09 15:17:28

I had a MC last month at 5 weeks. Unfortunately I actually miscarried on the morning of my wedding. My friends didn’t know we were trying for a baby so I haven’t told them about the MC. I’ve been finding it all very tough and since I’ve been back from honeymoon I’ve had all the inevitable ‘when are you going to have a baby’ questions. I get really upset and emotional when people ask but I know its not their fault as I haven’t told them what’s been going on. I just don’t really know how to deal with it all and what to say.

stillstanding Tue 23-Jun-09 15:27:10

Oh honeymooner - I am so sorry that you are going through this. How awful that your wedding was marred by this bad news. I'm afraid though that when you get married people do get carried away with all the babytalk - we certainly had it. And I can see how awful it must be for you in the circumstances but, as you point out, they can't be expected to know.

I think you need to work out if this is something that you are prepared to share and if so give people a heads-up that this has happened. If you don't want to discuss it then I would just use a gently dismissive "all in due course, we want to be married for a bit before we start to think about that".

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

emeraldgirl1 Tue 23-Jun-09 15:29:00

Oh I am so sorry to hear this honeymooner

I really do think you should consider talking to a friend about this - I'm like you and don't want to tell even my closest friends things that are upsetting to me but it honestly really can help if you do.

Or have you considered trying to speak to a professional about it? Nothing heavy, just a couple of session with someone who might be able to help you unpack everything you are feeling.

A terrible thing to happen on your wedding, I am so sorry, but don't forget that you have been able to get pregnant once and will do so again, I am sure. You probably need to let yourself mourn this so that you can find a way to move forward. Try to focus on positives, I know that sounds hard, but you are a newly-wed to a wonderful man (I'm sure!) and that counts for a lot.

honeymooner Tue 23-Jun-09 15:49:38

Thank you for your replies. I know that if I told my friends they would be great and really supportive but I feel like I don't really want anyones sympathy (other than on here of course ).....I hope that doesn't sound bad but I think if I started telling people the story it will make me feel more upset. One of my friends has just decided to try for a baby so she is so happy and rightly so but I didn't really want to talk about it after what has just happened to me. I'm hoping in time I will feel better, I'm sure I will. Its just one minute I was getting married and I was pregnant (which was everything I'd ever wanted) and then I miscarried on the day I had been planning for 18 months. Its just not fair!

lal123 Tue 23-Jun-09 15:56:11

honeymooner - I felt the same when I had my mcs - didn't tell anyone (apart from DP!) in real life. At the time my BIL was continually asking when we were going to have a brother or sister for DD. It was so hard not to jsut blurt out "well, I'm bloody trying, have had 2 mcs and don't know what else to do", instead just smiled and said "not just at the minute".

Coming on here helped - as did speaking with dp.

skidoodle Tue 23-Jun-09 16:00:47

I really can't understand why people go on like this, it is so insensitive. They don't need to know what happened to know that conceiving doesn't happen easily for every couple. It's such a sensitive and private thing, I really wish people could keep their whisht and not go on about it.

I think it would be reasonable and fair to say something like "this is a very private issue for us. If we have any news we'll tell you when we are ready" and then act as though case closed, repeat as necessary.

So sorry to hear your news

iggypiggy Tue 23-Jun-09 16:01:54

honeymooner am so sorry for your loss - and what terrible timing (although no timing of an mc is ever good)

I know what you mean about people asking about babies. I got married in October and had an MC in April - I've only told my close family - so people are always asking me if/when i want kinds - I was asked last night actually. I usually say 'we just want to some time to enjoy beign married first' when i actually want to scream 'shut up - I've had a MC and I don't want to talk about having babies with you!'

not sure if that helps! probably not... but i totally agree - it's not fair and it's horrible and it's v. hard to deal with. x

honeymooner Wed 24-Jun-09 09:51:56

Can I ask another question? How long would you want to try again and is there any reason to wait (other than being emotionally ready). My doctor told me to wait for 2 months before trying again but I really want to take back control of the situation and try again now. I am desperate to be a mum and don't really want to be waiting for another 6 weeks to try. Any advice for trying again?

iggypiggy Wed 24-Jun-09 09:56:36

I waited until after my first period after the MC. I wanted to know that my body was back to normal. But I think you can start whenever. My doctor said wait a month - which the deanna plan also says... so i kind of went with that and what felt right..

Have you read this: Deanna Plan

There is also a link on trying again - have a look at that too smile

Neeko Wed 24-Jun-09 10:47:28

Hi. So sorry to hear about your M/C. It sounds to me like you're ready to try again, but, having had a M/C myself recently (MMC at 12 weeks in March), I would advise you to wait until you've had one period before trying again. This is purely because TTC after a M/C seriously messes with you head and I think the first cycle would have been easier if I hadn't been torn between thinking I could already be pregnant again and waiting for my period to arrive.
Just make sure you talk things out with your DH or on here at least. From speaking to the girls on here who've been lucky to fall pregnant again after a M/C it seems it's a very scary time as you constantly wonder if it'll happen again. A support network will help.

honeymooner Wed 24-Jun-09 12:10:18

Thank you. I have never heard of the Deanna plan so I'll take a look. I'm due on next week anyway so maybe we'll start again as from July. I'm just not feeling very confident after what happened last month .

honeymooner Wed 24-Jun-09 17:51:39

Thanks for telling me about the SMEP iggypiggy. I have been reading about it this afternoon. Having something positive to focus on for next month has helped. I'll think I'll give it a whirl and see what happens - it can't hurt. I'm going back to the doctor next week so I'm hopeful she'll give me the green light. I'm going to keep my fingers, toes and everything else crossed that we are lucky. I would love to be pregnant again this year.

honeymooner Wed 24-Jun-09 17:53:45

Sorry, I wanted to say Neeko. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Big hug xx

Tigresswoods Wed 24-Jun-09 18:02:34

Hi Honeymooner, so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you have had a really tough time.

I don't have a similar experience but having now been TTC for over 18 months and openly told friends along the way that "yes we are trying" I am now getting to the point where I can't take the questions any longer.

My advice to you would be that if you do want to talk to a friend then do but if you don't then become the master (or mistress) of the dismissive comment and then move on.

I have used it twice this week,

"Oh I don't really want to talk about all that, so where are you off on your hols this year?" *Big smile*

Works for me and they seem to get the message, let them think what they want. grin

iggypiggy Thu 25-Jun-09 12:09:07

Good luck for July and TTC honeymooner - I am hoping it will be my month too x

honeymooner Tue 30-Jun-09 09:48:12

This morning I got my first AF post MC and for some reason it has made me feel so sad. I knew it was on its way last night and I was hysterical - literally crying and rolling around in a mess. I feel so miserable. I know I need to find a way to stay positive but I can't. It made me feel even worse when my husband told me how he thinks about the Mc and it makes him feel sad. I feel like such a failure

Ailz Wed 01-Jul-09 15:47:17

oh god honeymooner i have just been hovering over this thread and felt compelled to write, your last post made me cry. we feel so guilty about the whole infertility thing. dont feel like a failure, it is not true. it is just a nasty, difficult period in your life. i too sometimes feel like i am letting everyone down. i have never had mc, but i can only imagine how much worse it is than anything else in the world. just keep talking it out. if you tell your dh that you feel this way he will comfort you and let you know that he does not see you as a failure. it will make you both feel better i promise.

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