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Secondary infertility after stillbirth - a real double whammy. Any advice ?

(12 Posts)
jobobpip08 Mon 15-Jun-09 17:12:39

Hi all,
Looking for a little tea and sympathy, advice and hope. Or even just a really good joke to make me laugh!

My wish/plan was to have 2 children. First pregnancy aged 33 - missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. Second pregnancy aged 33 - caught first cycle and we now have a lovely 4 year old boy. 3rd pregnancy aged 36- caught 3rd cycle, our second son was perfect but stillborn just before my due date, due to a knot in the cord. I am now 38, its over a year later ttc a third child and I'm going demented. And yes, its the first day of my period. Welcome cycle 16. Argh!

So many people have told me that I have been through so much, we have had quite alot of family deaths over the last 5 years, in every generation. Obviously losing our second son is my greatest loss which I will always live with and feel to some extent but I have learnt to accept and deal with my grief. I still have much to be thankful for and am very aware of that, but having to deal with this new grief - infertility - is getting a bit too much to bear.

I have only just got my doctor to refer me as we had to wait a year of ttc before my husband could be referred for a sperm test, Doc fully expected me to get pregnant as I'd had 3 easy conceptions previously. So frustrating as I 'know' something is wrong. I have been tested on day 5 and 21 and confirmed that I am ovulating.

I have watched my 'angel mum' friends deal with their losses and get pregnant, have babies and yet I can't. I just feel like I am getting further away from being pregnant, rather than closer. I have 2 good friends who are due in the next couple of months and whilst I will be able to happily see their babies, but it will be with a private pain knowing I'm not pregnant.

My periods have been exceptionally heavy for this past year (but no pain or PMT - an upshot) and accupuncture has really helped with this, but not getting pregnant. We are on super-duper vitamins(!), don't drink, smoke, take drugs, have caffeine free tea, eat reasonably well, have sex at the right times and more. I have tried hypnotherapy as well.

I don't know when i will have my appointment but I think it will be within the next month. I have no idea what to expect, aside from the gynae getting to know 'down there' better than my hubby!

Is there any more I could be doing? What should I expect from an infertility workup? Help, anyone?


wobbegong Mon 15-Jun-09 19:46:23

Dear Jo
I am so sorry to hear of your grief and especially about your second DS.
I am afraid that I don't have any good advice to offer but I just didn't want your message to go unanswered.
There are quite a few of us in the "one parent family" topic who, for one reason or another, have not had their wish/ plans for their family granted. All of us have different stories but we can identify with your "private pain" when good friends have new babies. It cuts me up inside TBH. sad There is even a piece about secondary infertility in this week's Grazia- it is a bit of a naff article frankly but does show that it is a common issue.
Just as a matter of interest, did you ever seek any counselling after your stillbirth? It sounds like you have had so much on your plate recently that it might be helpful to have someone to talk with.
All the best when your appointment comes, and hopefully someone else will be along soon to help more than I can.

Higglepig Mon 15-Jun-09 21:19:21

Just adding to wobbegong's message. No useful advice I'm afraid but I'm so sorry about your second DS and wish you all the strength you need to carry on with TTC. It sounds as if you are doing everything you possibly can - I really hope you are successful.

jobobpip08 Mon 15-Jun-09 21:41:35

Thanks so much for responding wobbegong, the death of a baby is still quite a taboo topic (there are still school mums who avoid me 15 months later!) and I wondered if the stillbirth info would have scared people off answering, but it is why I am ttc now and has made me the person I am now and is part of my 'normal'. And you do survive even though it is devastating to begin with.

I am lucky I do have some great people to talk to. I did go to one bereavement counselling session after about 9 months ttc, on the recommendation of my doctor, but the the initial session discussing all my losses didn't give me any great relief and backed up my feeling that I was in fact dealing with it all ok. The counsellor concurred, telling me that you learn coping skills when it comes to grief. I had said to my hubby very early on that we had got through some untimely deaths in his immediate family and we would survive losing our baby. And we have, its not always easy, but we've done the best we can.

The midwife who does the hypnotherapy has also had bereavement training and is a friend so we do chat informally about how i feel. What has really saved my sanity is an existing friend who had suffered losses and 2 new friends who had also been through full-term stillbirths. We meet very regularly and chat for hours.

Its funny, people think what we had been through is so bad, but you do cope, you do get up in the morning and in time the pain does soften. Hell, I even smile!!

But like anyone else going through secondary fertility I do still want a baby in my arms and am struggling with not getting pregnant!

Thanks for caring wobbegong, and if anyone else is reading, please, any hints, tips, advice - all welcome.

jobobpip08 Mon 15-Jun-09 21:43:59

thanks for caring too higglepig (btw I love your name!)

Wheelybug Mon 15-Jun-09 21:51:53

jobobpip - so sorry to hear about your ds2.

I had secondary infertility following an early miscarriage - obviously this is nothing like you have been through but I had too had conceived twice very easily. I too had heavy periods during this time.

We were referred to the Assisted Conception Unit after intial tests at the GP which were all normal. I had an HSG which was also normal (I also had my blood tests repeated and DH's sperm test repeated). I saw the consultant who gave me the option of further tests (laproscopy) or clomid although she didn't think clomid would help. I was keen to avoid the surgery so decided to give clomid a go. I fell pregnant first cycle after almost 2 years of trying.

I don't know if my desperation to get pregnant again worked against me and the clomid made me 'relax' psychologically or if the clomid just re-set my hormones.

Its a terrible time even without your added grief. Take care and good luck.

jobobpip08 Tue 16-Jun-09 21:49:16

Hi wheelybug
I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriage, having been through a loss at 12 weeks and 38 1/2 weeks, I can honestly say that even early miscarriage can bring alot of pain.

Thank you for sharing your experience and genuine congratulations on becoming pregnant again. I just feel in limbo these days, altho I was chatting to some friends today who both know the consultant I would see and they both agreed he is the sort to say - right, lets do everything which is better than one thing at a time.

thanks again

Nutmegg Fri 27-Jul-12 04:35:51

I had a full term stillbirth at 37.2 weeks. Had another mc in january, I had been on clomid, now letrozole. Feeling angry at the world. Anyone else?

Nutmegg Sat 03-Nov-12 00:50:35

I am having infertility after full term loss as well, it has been almost two years since we lost Molly. Losing your child is a nightmare you just keep living, and the stress of infertility, seems too much.

sarlat Sat 03-Nov-12 07:38:30

Hello - I have just noticed this is a revived thread, but if anyone is out there I would love to talk.

Jobob and Nutmeg. Sorry to hear about your loses. Jobob, I am especially sad to hear that in this day and age people avoid you after what has happened.

I too am strugling with secondry infertility after one miscarriage. My miscarriage was 2.5 years a go and I got pregnant in the first attempt. We have no children and I haven't had any other pregnancies since the miscarriage. Tests have shown I have partial fallopian tube bloackages and / or scar tissue around the outisde of my tubes. The reasons for this is unknown but the Dr's have guessed it may have been caused by infection from the miscarriage (although I had no symptoms) or it could be endometriosis.

My heart is breaking. We have tried IVF twice which has failed due to implantation failiure (possibly due to toxicity in my body from the damaged fallopian tubes).

All of this is really hell on earth isn't it. Jobob, I can identify with what you are saying about coping although others assume you may not be. I think society sometimes tries to blame lack of conception on stress. But I too have accepted my bad luck and I keep getting up and dusting myself down. I simply want to get on with being a mum.

Secondry infertility after pregnancy loss is a double wammy.

On a practical note, a HSG test (xray of dye flowing through womb and tubes) can help to identify blockages or problems which I now know can occur after a previous pregnancy.

Good luck

Babyh200 Sun 04-Nov-12 15:55:58

Hello ladies
So sorry to hear about your losses.
There are lots of us in a similar position over on the Rainbow babies thread. I lost my beautiful boy to stillbirth on 4th July 2012 and would dearly love another baby one day. Will post more when I get home just out at the moment.

suzain Tue 10-Apr-18 18:35:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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