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What should I say to BF who is having probs TTC????

(11 Posts)
Nina27 Sun 24-Apr-05 13:39:41

The problem is I seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat... she has been trying for over a year and I really don't know what to say to her without offending her. We've been best friends since primary school and since she has been ttc I have had ds1 and am now 20 wks pregant with number 2?

hunkermunker Sun 24-Apr-05 13:40:47

Has she told you she's offended?

Nina27 Sun 24-Apr-05 13:43:43

Not really, so far the subject has been pretty much avoided. She says things like shes trying to be relaxed about it etc and not trying 'too hard' and I try to look sympathetic and not say anything too patronising...

Chandra Sun 24-Apr-05 13:45:51

What about not saying anything unless she starts on the topic? if she does she may be likely to want a sympathetic ear more than anything else. I guess...

Chandra Sun 24-Apr-05 13:46:40

ooops crossposted..

hunkermunker Sun 24-Apr-05 13:53:28

Well, having been on your friend's side of things, I'd say take her at her word - don't 'catch yourself' when you talk about your children/getting pregnant (I found the worst thing was people saying "Oh, sorry!" after they'd said something they thought I might be offended by - I don't get offended very easily, but this made me feel like they were pitying me which is FAR worse!).

Don't think she'll crumple if you mention a baby. I really wanted a baby, but I also had a very fulfilling life without one.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you want your friend to talk to you about it? When I was in your friend's situation, I didn't want to make my friends with children feel awkward - it was no secret that I wanted a baby, but since I'd been told I may never have children, I didn't want to lose friends because of it too!

Nina27 Sun 24-Apr-05 13:59:00

Thanks... its nice to have an insight into how my friend might feel. I may even be worring about this more than she is...thing is shes really is a good friend and I'm sure if the situation were reversed she'd be totally supportive and know just what to say. I just want to do the same for her IYKWIM?

pabla Sun 24-Apr-05 14:15:47

How did she take it when you said you were pregnant again? I had fertility problems in the past and I found it very hard when friends got pregnant, when my best friend told me she was pregnant, I was happy for her but sad it wasn't me. I don't know if she noticed this in my response to her news... Tbh sometimes I found it hard to see people pushing prams with small babies in. Luckily I had a few friends in the same boat and it was good to have someone else to talk to about it - do you know if your friend knows anyone else in a similar situation? She might feel better talking to someone else about this particular thing, even though you are her best friend.

Nina27 Sun 24-Apr-05 15:14:49

She does have friends who have conceived by IVF...

When I told her I was pregnant she was shocked but also happy. She has said that she is trying to remain relaxed about the whole thing and not get too obsessed... but because of this I'm not sure how much of a big deal this whole thing is to her and I'm worried its a bigger deal than she lets on...

Duranfan Sun 24-Apr-05 20:36:06

I have gone thru this situation numerous times over the past 8 years... all I can say is it's very hard.. but I have really tried not to put my problems onto other people. It's not their fault I can't get pg, so why should I make them feel bad. I've never kept away from any friends or not talked to them about it, but I've really appreciated it when they've been sensitive to my needs as well.

I would say that means not moaning about getting fat, or sleep deprivation, things like that. Sometimes, tbh, you can't win... if she's feeling fragile running up to AF or CD1/2, which are my worst times, I just distance myself at those times a bit.

One friend I had, I supported thru both her pregnancies. She conceived both her children in the time I was trying for my first, she lived in Scotland and if ever there was someone I could have avoided it would have been her, due to the distance, but no.. I used to go up and see her at all stages in her pregnancy. When my IVF failed 1 week before her 2nd was due, she got funny with me because I was distraught and said couldn't be like I normally am, cooing on the phone at every detail. Needless to say, she's not a friend any more.

I'd say you're a pretty good friend for even bothering to find out how to act. If I were you, I'd have a good old chat with her and ask her how she wants to play it. I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

HTH.

vicdubya Sun 24-Apr-05 20:41:40

I agree, have a chat with her.

One or two of my friends avoided me a bit when we were going through fertility tx, when they were pg.

TBH their avoiding me upset me more than any news they might have had to tell me.

One friend didn;t tell me she was pg with no. 2 until 2 weeks before he was born. I had not seen her for a few months because she had moved away and we'd spoken on the phone but she hadn;t mentioned it.

I felt quite upset about that.

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