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I want a baby but Im frightened..

(34 Posts)
nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 19:32:41

This is very long ..sorry but need to tell the story to make people understand ..quite a hard one for me to write.

I had my daughter 10 years ago now but had complications. Due to medical mishaps.

What happened was after the birth of my first (and only) child, I noticed I was bleeding very heavily which I mentioned several times to medical staff and was just given lots of pads.

It was my first baby and so I had no idea whether this was normal or not. They went on to send me home the next day with baby.

Unbeknownst to anybody Placenta had been left inside me during delivery and this was quietly rotting away inside and causing me to bleed internally.

I had complained a bit once home about feeling unwell for about week and seemed to get no urgency about it from anyone though they did take a swab and were in the process of sending off swab to lab which would take a week to come back they said.

This turned out to be little done too late.

Eventually one morning just as I was telling husband I didnt feel right, I hemorraged everywhere , it happened so suddenly and in front of my husband. I always remember his shocked face as I stood there and the blood just billowed out I was covered from waist down in a matter of seconds.

At the time we lived out a bit in the country. Someone called the local doctor as he lived a few doors away and it was Sunday.

This doctor nearly cost me my life as he decided to BOOK me an ambulance for that afternoon (I found out some time after this same doctor gave Spike Milligan too high a dose of anti depressants and almost killed him too)

Everybody had assumed an amublance was on its way after doctor said he had delt with it.

So during waiting time I was left laying on bed bleeding and waiting for an ambulance that wasnt coming until that afternoon.

I cant describe how horrible that period was for me my father had died a month before and I really felt like I was going to be joining him. There was alot of blood and it was very frightening. I did feel this quiet sense of this is it come over me. The worst thing of all was just thinking that I was not going to be around to see my baby grow up.

Eventually alarm was raised by my family about this ambulance that still hadn't showed 45 mins later. They rung hospital who were stunned that the doctor had booked it for the afternoon. They sent 1 immediately but it still had half hour journey to get to me.

When amublance finally came though I had gone into shock. When I got the to the hospital it had reached critical and their was an onslaught of doctors nurses around me. I was terrified I heard them telling my my husband I might not make it.

I wont go into it any further but you get the gist of how traumatic this whole experience was even writing about it now makes me feel sick.

Basically I have so much wanted another baby but have been so afraid.

We have tried on the odd occasion but I always get scared and back out of the whole idea.

I'm 36 and I guess I know time is running out for me and my daughter is 10 I would still love her to have a brother or sister. I really want another little bubba in the house.

I just dont know how I'm ever going to overcome this fear.

Has anyone here ever suffered a similar experience and felt the same way? If so have you gone onto have another and its been ok ? I would really like to know as I feel that its probably now or never for me.

Flossam Mon 18-Apr-05 19:37:31

Poor, poor you. stupid arse of a doctor. I haven't experienced anything like this, so I can't offer any real advice. Just wanted to say that the liklehood of this happening again are vitually nil. Maybe you could speak to your GP about booking a CS, Mears will say whether this is less likely to have the same consequence. It's not a risk free proceedure, but it seems such a shame that you are missing out on more joy in your life due a series of blunders. I'm sure someone else cleverer and more knowledgable than me will be along shortly.

nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 19:51:06

Thanks Floss, nice of you to reply and give advice, yup Doc was an arse to say the least. I havent actually spoken to my doctor now. I guess I should really. For me its the fear that once I do get pregnant im on the rollercoaster and I cant get off and I think I will spend much of it afraid.

Flossam Mon 18-Apr-05 19:58:07

Have you had any counselling about it? I'm not trying to suggest that you are funny about it, your reaction is very normal and understandable. But your experience was very traumatic, and I think having some sort of help to work through your experience might help to go some way to enable you to enjoy your pregnancy.

Donbean Mon 18-Apr-05 20:01:58

Yes but think of your first scan, think of those first flutters of feeling the baby move, think of all those wonderful experiences.
This awful thing has happend to you and now you are aware and sadly educated through this experience to put your self forward and demand attention if you are not feeling right about some thing.
You have knowledge. (bitter granted, but knowledge none the less)
You are able to take a decisive step, with control and planning this need never happen again to you.
Good luck with your decision.

LGJ Mon 18-Apr-05 20:02:15

nikkisherri

Nothing like your situation.

I took forever to concieve and then MC'd

I did conceive pretty soon afterwards, but I spent the whole 9 months terrified.

But here I am almost 4 years on, with a most wonderful DS who charms everyone he meets.

The end result will more than pay for the fear, also if you have a DD who needs you, the 9 months will probably go so much quicker.


HTH

WideWebWitch Mon 18-Apr-05 20:08:30

Hi nikkisherri, sorry you had such an awful time, I wonder if Birth Crisis might be able to help? Fwiw, you rarely hear of women regretting a second. I have a 6year gap between my 2 (different partners) and I wouldn't change a thing. But I didn't have the awful time you did and you probably ought to sort that out first. Good luck.

Donbean Mon 18-Apr-05 20:10:57

ps i spent every single day of my 8.5 months pregnancy absolutely terrified after awful things happened to me, had a horrific birth experience (i wont go into) but OH MY GOD i dont regret a single minuite of it now ive got my boy safe and sound. xxxxxxxxxx

CountessDracula Mon 18-Apr-05 20:14:07

nikkisherri I had a huge post partum haemmorage after dd (10 litre blood transfusion - hence my name!). I went through very similar feelings to you until I went to see the Professor to talk through what had happened the first time.

The most encouraging thing he said to me was that to be forewarned of a possible complication is really very good - next time (if there is a next time) they can have all the right people standing by in case it happens again, I will be monitored carefully etc, so you can be fairly sure that if this happened to you first time that it won't again as they will be looking out for it and more importantly YOU know what to ask about and what signs to look for. You could, for eg, have a c-section, so that they could be sure that all of the placenta had come out before stitching you up.

I do feel for you though, it is truly terrifying, isn't it?

Best of luck whatever you decide. Pls feel free to CAT me or ask any other questions.

Dahlia Mon 18-Apr-05 20:18:16

My God, poor you - what a horrific experience to have gone through. I have no medical knowledge whatsoever so can't offer any advice in that sense, but like Flossam has said, I would have thought that the likelihood of the same thing happening again are very slim. I really hope that you can overcome this! I took a long time to have my second, and its truly the best thing I ever did in my life. Good luck xx

SleepyJess Mon 18-Apr-05 20:20:52

nikkisherri, that is so appalling - what happened to you. It was obviously a catalogue of errors! I have absolutely no problem seeing why you feel the way you do.. I would too..if not worse!!

I think you could do with counselling too.. but with someone who specialises in helping people who have been traumatised by birth-related experiences.. I'm sure your current GP or nurse at the surgery would be able to sort this out for you.. or point you in the right direction. Then you will be able to get specialised help to get over you awful expereince and reassured by proper medical statistics relating to how unlikely anything like this would be to happen again.

Wishing you loads of luck and love.. and a healthy pregnancy, labour and birth experience followed by a healthy baby and healthy you, at the end of it!

SJ x

OscarPsmummy Mon 18-Apr-05 20:22:58

I think everyone is right when they say this is unlikely to happen again but it's true you need to "debrief" about your experience before you move on. I don't know how you would feel about this but it may be worth arranging through your GP to see an obstetrician. He can get the notes from your last experience and go through it all thoroughly with you. There may be a lot you don't remember and this may help to get it all sorted in your head.

nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 20:30:10

Flossam I have had counselling as I got very depressed after even developed an OCD at time. Although I touched on it I havent really mentioned that its stopped me having another.

Donbean that is a great way of looking at it, to focus on positive things like that.. although I did spend much of the first 3 months with a migraine that lasted forever abd my head down a toilet

LCG very sorry to hear what happned to you appreciate you telling, just hearing you were frightened too and did it anyway does make me want to pull myself together,

You are so right I know, it is worth it for the end result.

thanks all for fanastic advise

nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 20:49:31

Thankyou all for such caring response. Just reading your replies had made me feel quite emotional.

I do very much appreicate all this advise its been hugely encouraging.

Flossam Mon 18-Apr-05 20:50:33

Was the counselling for PND or post traumatic stress disorder? I think the latter could well have caused the first, sorry to pick you apart like that. Did the counsellor recognise this?

nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 21:05:12

Floss I was treated at the time by counsellor as I developed a whole bunch of stuff OCD's abnormal fears, depression etc., all came about shortly after. Im ok now and have overcome those problems. Having a baby for me is the last hurdle I guess.

PrettyCandles Mon 18-Apr-05 21:09:38

My mum had a huge PPH after she came home from hospital with my db (so probably about 2-3w PP) and ended up back in hospital.

But she went on to have two more children with no PPH.

So it may not happen again, plus with your history the medical staff will be extra-vigilant.

I agree that you do need some sort of counselling. It really can help. I had issues with my first birthing (long story, not particularly relevant here), and didn't realise it until I was pg again. But a session of discussion with a midwife made a huge difference to me and enabled me to go forward to my next birthing with confidence and a sense of security. Also, the counselling and therapy that I had for my PND gave me emotional and practical tools that helped in other parts of my life, including pregnancy, labour and post-natal issues. So I do recommend counselling. The problem is in your head, not your body. Please don't take that comment badly, it's not meant to be rude or offensive...though I admit it's a little blunt.

nikkisherri Mon 18-Apr-05 21:17:59

PrettyCandles , I know the problem is in my head absolutely so no offence taken. I have been crying a little reading all this so I see how this has affected me even now 10 years on.

I posted the thread to hear from others who could offer the encouragement the boot up the bum that I need to just do it and stop being scared.

Just wanted to hear other stories from people that have gone through and dealt with their issues so that I can take some strength from them and believe me its really working.

Thanks all.

milward Mon 18-Apr-05 21:24:24

nikkisherri - what a traumatic experience. Next time the doc should at least check so that it can't happen again. I had a pph right after giving birth to dd3- I thought here's something worse than childbirth & it's happening right now. Felt awful to get through the birth just to have to get through a pph - a very frightening time. All the advice given is spot on - talk it through - don't let it stop you having another baby. I know it is easy to write but each birth is different - your next birth could heal the issues the first birth experience gave. If you want a baby - go for it!! xxx

KBear Mon 18-Apr-05 21:24:38

nikkisherri, couldn't pass by without posting although I can't possibly compare your trauma with mine and wouldn't wish to. My bad experience having DD was filed away in my head until pg with DS two years later. Floodgates opened, but had a wonderful midwife who listened, helped and advised throughout my first appointment. 7 months later she walked into the theatre as they were about to deliver my ds by csection as she had just come on duty and if I hadn't been flat out so to speak i would have hugged for giving me the strength to enjoy my pregnancy and have my DS. My only advice is to speak to the midwives and other carers and gain strength from them and I'm sure you will be well looked after. HTH

morningpaper Mon 18-Apr-05 21:33:42

I have no advice except to say that your experience was TRULY HORRIFIC and whatever you do, make sure you are surrounded by LOTS of people who understand that and can give you the excellent and compassionate care you deserve. xxx

bubble99 Tue 19-Apr-05 00:30:42

nikkisherri. Reading your post makes me feel sad and angry at the same time. So sad for what you've been through and so angry that your experience of what should have been such a wonderful time was so traumatic. I don't know too much about retained placenta, I know the placenta is examined after expulsion/removal but I suspect if it is a tiny fragment it may be 'missed.' Mears, or any other of our wonderful ex or practising midwives may be along shortly and read this, I'll keep bumping it in case they're passing.
With reatained and infecting placenta your temperature would have steadily increased with infection, did your GP check your temperature at all?

I'm not remotely surprised by your fear of pregnancy after this even though you desperately want to have another child. I've very recently been through an horrendous experience during labour when one of my healthy, full term twins needlessly died. We want to have another child soon to give our new son the little sibling he should have had. I had always felt so confident about pregnancy and childbirth before but now, if we are lucky enough to conceive again, I know that my next birth will be tinged with so much sadness and worry and I hate the people/circumstances that have caused this.

You can overcome this. You have come here and talked to us about it. Keep coming here and keep talking as often as you want.

Love BubbleXX

whatsername Tue 19-Apr-05 00:48:53

Nothing constructive to add, but couldn't read that and not comment. What a horrific experience. I hope you can find a way to move on. Best wishes xxx

Kidstrack2 Tue 19-Apr-05 07:50:26

I'm shocked at the way you were treated no wonder you are scared. Yes, similar experience had an emergency c-section after labouring 24hours. Next morning I had a lot of bleeding but the midwife said oh its fine, not even looking under the bed clothes. I could feel it whooshing out under my bottom and there was just a square pad under me and I could feel it was saturated but again this was my first baby and I didn't know any better. Isaid again to a diiferent midwife who came in to check over me and she just ignored me and said oh it will be fine, by this point I was getting angry and I was in so much pain with having just had a c-section, I leaned slightly forward with just enough energy to pull the blankets back and said please look, her face just fell and the emergency buzzer was pressed, my bed was covered in blood, they rushed me into theatre and removed what they said was a tiny peice of placenta. I came back from theatre to find I was internally packed with gauze types bandages IYKWIM. I was put on atibiotics and stayed in hospital for 8days after that I still lost another 1500ml so they could'nt calculate the full blood loss. It took a few weeks to recover as probably you would have done. But happy to say 4 years later I did have another baby but not before I had been to a pre-natal talk with a midwife who discussed all my fears with me I then spoke to a consultant when I was a few weeks pg and he assured me it would be a safe birth. I had a vg delivery this time round and only had a small pp haemorage and although I did have a womb infection 3 weeks later I was given antibiotics at home and recovered quickly seemingly both my placentas were very ragged membranes and not quite as complete as they would have liked hence the bleeding and infections. But please make an app with your local midwife who would be happy to discuss your fears and be able to explain in more detail what happened to you she may even refer you to someone at your local midwifery hospital to speak with you. Good luck on your decision.

nikkisherri Tue 19-Apr-05 08:52:53

Bubble99 I am so so sorry to hear what happened for you, that is absolutely awful, a truly terrible loss for you. I can imagine how devastating that must be, I really feel for you, sincerley.

Yes the Doctor that delivered my baby missed a small piece of placenta and his defense was that I was the last to give birth at 3am and he had delievered 11 that night and was very tired but
my aftercare was dreadful too eg. I was the only 1 on the ward walking around in a blood soaked nightdress, when I mentioned it to staff was given some extra big pads! Then sent home very next day like that. I certainly dont remember anyone taking my temperature.

I do realise reading these that perhaps things are going to be different next time Just that initial fear that has stopped me.

I'm so glad I posted. I certainly dont want to come across feeling sorry for myself as I realise that many many people have awful experiences.

I just wanted to draw strength from others who have.

This has been the most helpful to me probably better than any counselling.

Milward I completely identified with your post that is exactly what went through my head too.

Bubbles I really hope that all goes well for you all the luck in world.
XXX

Fingers crossed that I can eventually stick post up that says I did it too.

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