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she didnt tell him what she had done

(42 Posts)
lucyjo82 Fri 08-Apr-05 13:46:31

i am very ashamed to say she is a friend but i have a prob, she didnt tell her partner that she was trying to get herself up the duff. he knows she wasnt on the pill so they used other protection but she put needle hole in the condoms, i didnt say any thing then cause the likely hood of that working was slim. but now not only is she doing that she has taken some of his (sorry here girls) sperm and up it on a tampon would this work? and should i tell him? HELP

wobblyknicks Fri 08-Apr-05 13:47:43

Definitely tell him - as soon as humanly possible!!! That's totally, utterly not on!!!!

suzywong Fri 08-Apr-05 13:48:50

she is a loon and no mistake

FastasleepTheInsomniac Fri 08-Apr-05 13:49:04

Completely weird! He has to knooww... unless you think he might go a bit ape, in which case softly softly but still try to get her to see sense...


Toothache Fri 08-Apr-05 13:50:13

My GOD That is desperate!! Why does her DP not want children? Has he told her 'never' or just 'not at the moment'?
I suppose contraception isn't 100%, especially condoms! They burst and fall off etc etc. If thats the only form of contraception they are using and he's aware of that then he must also be aware of the fact that she could still get pregnant by accident. Happened to my friend twice... burst condom, then failed morning after pill!

BUT what she is doing is wrong. What are her reasons for wanting to be pregnant now?? Is she older and worried he time is running out?

SkiBunnyFlummy Fri 08-Apr-05 13:51:04

What delightful mischief!

WigWamBam Fri 08-Apr-05 13:51:55

Tell him - getting pregnant needs to be their choice, not just hers.

FastasleepTheInsomniac Fri 08-Apr-05 13:52:01

SBF do you have firdayitus as well?

LGJ Fri 08-Apr-05 13:52:09

Totally unacceptable.

FastasleepTheInsomniac Fri 08-Apr-05 13:52:16


Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 13:53:24

that is so deceptive
what selfish little immature planet does she live on? and bragging to mates about it too, what a loon

LIZS Fri 08-Apr-05 13:54:30

She sounds strange - not so much the trying to get pregnant without her p's knowledge or agreement but to go to such lengths, almost like Russian Roulette. Doubt the tampon idea would work, sound gross anyway. If she is that keen why not a basic syringe ?

Not sure if it is your right to tell him outright though, unless you know him very well - can you start a what would you do if ... conversation with him , after all noconrtraceptive 100%, with her in earshot. If she knew if he'd stick around or not it might influence her to stop being so stupid.

FastasleepTheInsomniac Fri 08-Apr-05 13:54:35

Heeeyyy don't get nasty, I'm sure there are some people around here who have decieved their partners about this *vague memory* don't want another MN blow up...

chipmonkey Fri 08-Apr-05 13:55:12

Not on! You should tell him but rather you than me!

Toothache Fri 08-Apr-05 13:55:53

I think if we all sat and agonised over the perfect time to have a baby then the population would plummet into nowt! Maybe she knows that deep down he would be perfectly all right if she fell pregnant 'by accident'?? Could that be it?

Still raises issues of trust in the relationship. However I have a friend who is so broody that she cries every month when her AF arrives. The thing is her DP has said he'll maybe have children in the next 10 yrs. He uses condoms that HE alone supplies as he doesn't trust my friend not to 'accidentally' get pregnant. He is 32 and she is 28. She wanted to be a young Mum and now she feels time is ticking away. I feel so sorry for her. They have been living together for 5 years, have good jobs and a nice home for children. So I can understand perhaps your friends motives if the situation is a bit like that.

I keep telling my friend that I will supply her with some good condoms ... always in front of her DP though, kind of tongue in cheek.

Fio2 Fri 08-Apr-05 13:56:47

wouldnt a tampon absorb them

LGJ Fri 08-Apr-05 13:57:31

Toothache, thought you were going home or couldn't you be bothered

Toothache Fri 08-Apr-05 13:59:18

LGJ - nah, too comfy.

mogwai Fri 08-Apr-05 14:21:28

Eeek! Keep out of it! I understand your concern but the messenger always gets shot, usually by both parties. Yu have to pretend you didn't hear it.

A friend of ours was having an affair with a man at work. Her husband was also a friend. The other bloke wasn't sure about taking on the children and took almost a year to make his mind up. In the meantime, her husband thought everything was perfect and she was using eveyone's shoulder to cry on. Even the next door neighbour knew about the affair. In the end she asked him to move out and said there was no-one else involved. He let her have the house cos of the children, but he didn't have enough money to buy a house for himjself so his parents gave him their life savings. Of course, next thing, this other bloke moves into the family home.

The reason I'm using this example to compare is because, despite losing his wife, home and children, and despite his parents losing their life savings, despite knowing we were on his side and thought her behaviour was out of order, we don't hear from him anymore. I didn't invite his ex wife and her new partner to my weeding because I wanted to invite the ex husband and couldn't invite both. He thinks this was out of order. There's a good chance he may not react as you thought, no matter how good your intentions. Just my opinion.

SoupDragon Fri 08-Apr-05 14:42:39

I don't think it's your place to tell him. Keep well out of it is what I'd do.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Apr-05 14:50:53

OT, but Toothache, she needs to leave this DP before it's too late! I was married to a man like that. Finally, at 30, I sat him down and asked him if he was ever going to want children . . . w/me (he was 32). When he said 'no', I thought it was the saddest day of my life. We'd been together for 8 years and married for 7.

But you know what? It's not fair to let s/one else take that kind of decision from a person. I thought, K, if I tried and found out I couldn't have any, it'd be one thing. But just to be denied the chance . . . nope.

We divorced.

4 years later, we're both happily remarried (he to a woman who never wanted kids and had her tubes tied at 30 before she met him) and me, well, to a brilliant man and mum to a lovely daughter.

lucyjo82 Fri 08-Apr-05 14:54:26

he is a very good friend off mine, he has said he would like kids but in a few months. the probblem i believe is that his mother and father dont like her well thats an understatement hate is most fitting here. well any way he has asked if he can get them used to the idea that he wants 2 be a dad. he himself is 27 and she 23. if i was 2 tell him i know he will go mad but i can see her reasons for doing it, she thinks he is asking the mum & dad to be a dad himself and in some way putting her off just to please her. and the tampons i think they could work if they dont the hole she has put in the condoms will

aloha Fri 08-Apr-05 14:58:28

Definitely keep out of it!! I think he's being unreasonable tbh, but if he wants children in a 'couple of months' then I hardly think her - admittedly fairly bonkers - strategy is evil. They do sound in a bit of a panic about it though. Does she think this 'couple of months' could stretch into infinity? And why on earth do his parents need to 'get used to the idea' of their son becoming a father. Grandparenthood should come as a delightful surprise. I cannot beleive anyone would ask their parents' permission to have children! Mad, mad, mad. They are all mad.

wobblyknicks Fri 08-Apr-05 15:07:54

But his 'couple of months' could be an easy way of putting it off indefinitely. Yes, he should tell her that if its the case but it gives her no right to take matters into her own hands. Would condone her leaving him if she was that desperate for kids but never forcing him to have kids when he's taking reasonable precautions to stop it happening.

You have a duty to him as his friend to tell him. Yes you might get shot as the messenger but hopefully not, they may even be able to sort things out and thank you, whereas an unexpected pg could lead to all kinds of problems and upset.

If you knew she was about to run off with all his worldly goods would you tell him? Having a child forced on him by her intentionally amounts to just as serious, if not more so.

lucyjo82 Fri 08-Apr-05 15:16:06

but i can see were she is comeing from! strange as it seems. i see her month after month crying cause she feels he is not being straight, but as i no him really well (one of my exs)he does need to be pushed. if she does get what she wants i feel he would be happy, but over the 6 years they have been togther she has been pregnant before but her mother and him said to get rid which she did cause she was young but has hated doing it ever since. see its really twisted i can see both sides.HELP

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