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You might like this story of dealing with friends who got pg immediately

(19 Posts)
yellowflowers Fri 31-Oct-08 15:48:04

My best friend is 7 months pg. She got pg first month of trying. She knows I am trying and although she tries to be nice I think sometimes she comes over as smug and thoughtless. I emailed her this week explaining how stressful it is ttc and how though I am delighted for her she also needs to know how very stressed I am and I need support as a non pg person just as much as she does as a pg person. And she sent back lovely email in response and we're now talking about it and getting stuff in open and, well, all I can say is I feel a lot better and am now recommending honesty about feelings to our pg friends. It just takes the pressure off pretending to be happy about it the whole time.

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 15:55:04

Well done - that's really good that you're both being open about your feelings.

I just want to say though, please, please don't think that those of us who do get pg easily (thus far) are smug about it. It isn't like we chose to be that way, just as you didn't choose to find it really hard and awfully stressful.

I would hate it if I thought my friends who have trouble conceiving, thought I was smug about the fact I didn't - in fact I always feel really awkward and embarrassed admitting it and try to avoid the subject in that sense.

Wishing you well xx

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 15:55:17

Well done - that's really good that you're both being open about your feelings.

I just want to say though, please, please don't think that those of us who do get pg easily (thus far) are smug about it. It isn't like we chose to be that way, just as you didn't choose to find it really hard and awfully stressful.

I would hate it if I thought my friends who have trouble conceiving, thought I was smug about the fact I didn't - in fact I always feel really awkward and embarrassed admitting it and try to avoid the subject in that sense.

Wishing you well xx

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 15:55:41

Sorry - it said I'd pressed preview, weirdy site stuff going on! smile

yellowflowers Fri 31-Oct-08 15:58:06

Hi flightattendant4 - that's a really good point and I don't think all people who get pg easily are smug I promise. I just wish it was me. I think she comes across as smug though without meaning to when she says thing like "Until you have a baby inside you you just can't know what it's like to be a mum". Er, she doesn't know yet either...
But of course, she couldn't help getting pg first month just as I can't help not having done so. x

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 16:02:44

Oh that is a bit smug smile

Maybe she just doesn't really know what to talk about.

Lorelei97 Fri 31-Oct-08 16:44:58

have been ttc for nearly 2 years now and my best friend obviously knows all the inns and outs especially when I was going through a difficult mc. a few times recently i begged her to start trying explaining how if id known how dificult it would be id have started years ago- she has a lot of debt and actually shouted at me that she could not afford it and when i brought it up again about a month ago when we were out one evening, while she was pissed btw, she kept saying cant afford to have a baby etc etc. then last week she tells me she is 3 months pregnant!!!! obviously i said i was very happy for her etc etc, which I really am actually and it was me who told her to start BUT aibu to expect that she would have told me she was trying and then to tell me she is sooner? havent been able to talk to her since- maybe thats because she was my last friend with no babies and now i feel really left out! it sucks!

Lorelei97 Fri 31-Oct-08 16:47:33

sorry everyone- i just realised how childish that all sounds- am happy for her really- just wish it was me!

yellowflowers Fri 31-Oct-08 17:36:39

That isn't childish at all. friend of mine 6 months ago said she doesn't want babies for at least 2 years. Now she's bloody pg. I am furious.

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 18:04:02

Obviously having trouble conceiving can make you feel very bitter towards people who are pregnant. It's better to rant about it on here than in real life I think, if you feel that extreme about it. I cannot imagine the pain of it, I've been very lucky - but I do worry that you are thinking a bit irrationally towards these people, after all I'm not sure what you would want them to do - it worries me as someone with friends in your position, just how angry they are at me for not waiting to get pregnant until, say, they were able to also. sad

It isn't their fault.

yellowflowers Fri 31-Oct-08 18:14:29

Well that's what MN is for - the ranting. But yes, your point very much taken. I suppose the converse argument is though that you can take comfort in even if your friends are upset, you get the baby. They have to deal with not having that reward. But you are right - it's not your fault.

I hope your friends are being nice to you though and congratulations.
x

Flightattendant4 Fri 31-Oct-08 18:16:38

thanks, I'm not pg now though. smile

I hope you do get your heart's desire soon. It must be truly horrible to be wanting something so much - I've felt like that, not about babies but about other things. Maybe not the same, but I do feel very sorry for your situation x

quint Fri 31-Oct-08 18:27:42

Coming from the other side - someone who knows she was incredibly lucky to get pregnanat easily who worked with somone who has been ttc for years, it is very stressful for the pregnant woman.

I felt like I was alway tip toeing around her, I was terrified of telling her my good news, and then felt that I couldn't ever complain about the downsides of being pregnant, or the good things about it, I couldn't talk about when I first felt the baby kicking, feel proud of my bump. Luckily for me she was great about it all, we cried together when I told her about it, she told me how she felt and was very open - so I agree that being honest is very helpful for everyone.

I suppose I just want to say that there are women out there who are very aware of people ttc and their feelings and tend to put others before themselves to the point that I didn't enjoy my 2nd pregnanacy anywhere near as much as my first because I felt that I always had to pretend that I wasn't pregnant around this person.

Lorelei97 Fri 31-Oct-08 22:03:15

dont know about anyone else but i know i didn't want that to happen- i worked with two women who were pregnant during the period that I was ttc and had a miscarriage and hoped beyond anything that i didn't have that impact on them- they knew i was trying and they were sensitive about it and i genuinely enjoyed hearing their pregnancy stories and im lucky i guess that they didn't treat me any differently and feel like they had to walk on eggshells around me; they now have beautiful chldren and we daily talk about what they are up to and they tell me all their sleepless night stories and im grateful for that. i would feel awful if they felt they had to keep that stuff back and i guess that is why i am so upset with my best friend- that she decided not to share with me something so wonderful that i would be genuinely happy for her about- does not make it any easier tho. personally tho for me women who are pregnant should not act differently when around women ttc as that makes us feel worse- talk about it - its the comments that come from a small minority of insensitive people that hurt ....hmmm

Lizzylou Fri 31-Oct-08 22:06:59

Both times I got pg in 1st month of trying.
I felt awful round friends who had been trying for years (who have all had babies now) it was very stressful and I felt guilty to be lucky. IT is better to be honest and open about it, I wish I'd have been brave like you Yellowflowers and just addressed the "elephant in the room".

lilacpink Sun 02-Nov-08 03:28:41

Hi, I have experience of accidental (but then very wanted) pregnancy and of very much wanted pregnancy ending in MMC (ERPC at 8 wks). I didn't realise the first time how hard it could be for some people around me, but now very much know, as I'm one of them! I just assumed all would be quick second time around and there would be no major problems.

I'm jeolous of people who have two without probs. One friend recently referred to dc2 (newborn) as her 'second child', straight after I'd told her I'd lost mine (I know she wasn't trying to be cruel in anyway, but did hurt). Two people have also said that I'll understand something in life that they never will, I though 'great' want to swop life experiences, I'll give this up and have a dc2!!!

I may have said similar before going through this, not to be cruel, but just not understanding what it means to loose a pregnancy...the dream of a baby. I feel for those going through pain to have dc1. Although I'm finding this hard, I want to end on a note of good luck for the first timers! Baby dust grin

Lorelei97 Sun 02-Nov-08 13:01:36

yellow flowers- just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread and the very good advice- i talked to my friend last night and we were able to have a really good honest talk about everything and a few tears also- you are right is best to talk about this! thank you!

mogwai Sun 02-Nov-08 16:14:20

I've seen this from both sides - took a very long time to conceive my first child (and tried every trick in the book). Became pregnant after one (and I mean ONE) attempt with my second child (four years later).

I have no idea why it was so hard the first time and so easy the second time. I was completley dumbfounded to get a positive test this time around. Just wanted to say that some people who have become pregnant easily can completely sympathise with how you feel when you don't.

The only thing I did differently was to be more relaxed. I was desperate for my first child and really 50/50 about whether I wanted a second. I'm pleased now, of course, but that really was the only thing that was different.

anniemac Sun 02-Nov-08 23:35:11

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