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Finding it hard to cope and not sure what to say

(25 Posts)
Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 08:32:58


Not sure if I am after advice really or just trying to write down how I am feeling at the moment.
DP and I have been ttc for about 10 months and we are very lucky to already have a beautiful DD. We found out about 6 weeks ago that due to DP's poor sperm we probably will never concieve again naturally, I have been trying to get my head around this and we have started the ball rolling with the assisted conception route, which scares and worries me alot.
Anyway yesterday I had a missed call from BF tried calling her back and she didn't answer, so text her, and said she would call later, I have since realised that the chances are she is ringing me to tell me she is pregnant - she got married a couple of months ago and told me then that they we ttc and was asking me for advice - I have told her about our situation, and she has been nothing but supportive, caring and really the most amazing friend. I feel so so awful as I didn't have the strength to speak to her yesterday,and just don't know how to react when she tells me, I couldn't be more happy for her, but am sellfishly thinking of myself and just not sure that I can deal with it at the moment, feel so guilty for even feeling/saying it becasue she really is the most special friend, just feel I can't deal with it, I am awaiting the arrival of yet another period and although I know the chances are so slim it doesn't seem to stop me from allowing myself to think there might be a chance so silly I know! I just feel so down and finding it all too much to cope with at the moment.

Sorry about the miserable me post

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 08:40:22

OH you poor thing. It's hard isn't it. I think what you have to do is accept that it's ok to feel like this and it doesn't mean you are being horrible. Probably like me you are really emotional and having a hard time when the rational part of your braiini which knows other people can't put their lives on hold iks being overcome with emotions.

Your friend obviously knows how it's going to be for you and if she is going to tell you she's pregnant it's good that she's going to do it face to face. I think sometimes it's easier all round to say exactly how you are feeling and that while you are happy for them, you are also very emotional about your own situation.

I hope it gets better for you and moan away all you like! x

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 09:18:18

Thank you for you reply, and hate feeling like this, just told another one of my friends that I can't go on her hen do - I hate myself for it and riddled with guilt, but finding everything so hard, and the whole situation has left me more anxious about my dd and the thought of leaving her at the moment even if it is only for 4 days it just too much, I feel so pathetic at the moment.

BearOfVeryLittleBrain Mon 01-Sep-08 09:45:12

It is hard when others announce pgs but just remember that it's not a case of only a certain number of babies are 'handed out' each year, your friend is taking nothing away from you and I very much doubt you would wish infertility on your worst enemy let alone a good friend.

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 09:47:07

I think what I find the hardest is feeling like I am being a cow because I am so emotional. I can't be happy for other people when I am obsessing so much about my situation (been TTC for almost a year).

Hope you feel more positive about the assisted conception route soon, I think there's a thread on here for people going through that experience.

MsG Mon 01-Sep-08 10:04:37

Lynsey, best of luck to you... I really hope you have success. I know what you mean... I find it so hard with friends. It seems to be getting worse as well the longer that passes. Beanieb and I have been talking about this on another thread!

I just find it sooo hard. I used to be ok. And I understand that it isn't taking anything away from me. I just feel so envious, and upset. xx

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 10:10:07

Like you say get so caught up with your own situation, feels like the world has stopped outside of ttc. Thanks for your replies, just having a bad few days, will have a look at the assisted conception thread.

Sorry to hear your having a hard time with ttc as well.

eleveld Mon 01-Sep-08 10:11:09


I know exactly how you feel.

I have been trying for 10 months and have just started the usual couple of days spotting so AF is on way.

I am 39, have no children. Have been told that it's highly unlikely I'd ever conceive naturally and have also just been told we can't even have IVF because of my FSH levels.

So it looks like I am never going to have a child.

Feel throughly depressed by it all

Good luck

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 10:19:01


I am so sorry to hear your news, can't imagine how you must be feeling, I don't know your situation but I hope and pray that you get the child you have so longed for, and that there is something that can be done to help you, hold on to that bit of hope.

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 10:24:28

I'm so glad threads like this are started to be honest. Sometimes it's quite hard to explain to people (freinds and family) what kinds of mixed emotions I am going through.

I don't know why it is so important to me to become a parent. I am 38 and TTC my first and even though I went through most of my life thinking I didn't mind if it happened or not, now I have started trying and I am with someone I know would be a great dad and who wants kids too, it's become more and more important. I knew my age would possibly be a factor but I so wasn't prepared for all the emotions I would be feeling.

Sadly because my close family know I am trying I also have a fear that they are all talking about it behind my back, pitying me, rather than just talking to me about it face to face.

ClairePO Mon 01-Sep-08 10:25:43

Just wanted to give my support to those of you going through a difficult time. I hope the assisted conception works for you Lynsy and elveld, I don't know what to say [] hoping for a miracle for you. Can you maybe try egg donation?

penona Mon 01-Sep-08 10:35:40

I just wanted to say I have been through almost exactly this situation, although I had no children already when TTC (not that that makes it any easier to accept when you can't, I know that) My BF got pg really really fast, and although I was thrilled for her, it just hurt me more. I avoided my friends with kids for quite a few years as it just hurt too much.

I joined a (RL) support group for women TTC, run by the clinic where I was being treated, and it helped enormously that every week I could say all these thoughts I felt were irrational and stupid and all the other women just nodded and said 'we've been there'. I found great solace in knowing I wasn't alone in how I felt, it was totally normal.

I am sure your friend will make allowances for how you feel, even though it'll be hard for her to understand the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. And you'll just have to be as honest with her as you can be.

Good luck with everything.

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 10:37:26

I think that once you get on the rollercoaster of ttc then it's hard to get off until you have got what you want (a baby). There are so may emotions that you feel from month to month and the longer it goes on the more emotions you feel and the more they change, the first few months you just feel upset everytime af arrives then as the months go on I know that for me I have started to have more regrets, and more unwanted emotions and feelings, like jealousy, and anger.

I am glad that my thread can be of help for people to share all there unwanted feelings and emotions.

MsG Mon 01-Sep-08 10:47:13

Does anyone get to a kind of acceptance each month when their AF turns up? I was aiming to try for that last month and I felt OK at first when it came but in the few days following I was in pieces. xx

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 10:54:17

I always think I will be ok when af arrives and with every month that goes past I find myself thinking less and less about what cd I am on, and wondering if my boobs hurt because I am pregnant, and looking for signs, but then every month I realise that the game is over for another month, it hits and hurts me just as hard.

Sorry to hear your having a hard time MsG, and probbaly a good thing to let it all out before you start another month of trying.

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 11:26:46

I find teh months where my period is late hardes. I've got quite good at not testing before I am due and not making up symptoms so it's just disapointing when I am three days late and then get a negative test. I was particularly upset this month for various reasons. Next month will be REALLY hard for me as my period is sue on a date I would rather it not be - however, we will be going away for 5 days so hopefully I will have distractions - or be pregnant!

anniemac Mon 01-Sep-08 11:46:49

Message withdrawn

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 12:07:35

Or - when you are given the scans of your brother's baby - be naturally overjoyed for him and genuinely happy but then remove yourself from the whole of the rest of the family so you can have a cry in the garden by yourself. That worked wonders for me at the time.

MsG Mon 01-Sep-08 13:18:26

Oh, it's horrible when you're late, isn't it? That's happened to me twice in the last 6 months and I get so excited. I've stopped testing now, although I did a few months ago. There's no point because even when I get a negative, I think it's a mistake!

I'm trying to refocus and keep busy...

queenie1 Mon 01-Sep-08 13:47:14

Just wanted to say I really understand what you all feel and have been very moved by your posts. It can be such a lonely and difficult time, can't it. I've lost count of the number of months where I have cried my eyes out because AF turned up AGAIN, or the months where I thought we'd done it only to have an MC a few weeks later.

I haven't been on mumsnet for ages. Mainly because a year and more of ttc including some early MCs has got me pretty down and I decided I needed a bit of a break from it all. During the past year, so many people I know have become PG or now given birth and I do wonder what is wrong with me, wonder if I'll ever be able to have a child and constantly try to fight off feelings of depression. I wish I could have been one of the lucky ones who never has to go through all this heartache and falls (successfully) PG quickly and easily. Alas, I'm not.

So just wanted to say, I do know how you all feel and I really sympathise with you.

Lynsy Mon 01-Sep-08 16:13:56

Luckily I have never been late always get the pre af spotting before i even get chance to be hopeful, must be awful to build your hopes, only for them to be dashed away from you, your body and mind can play such awful tricks.

Queenie sorry to hear about your mc's that must be so hard for you, and like you say it's so hard to stay positive and not let your feelings get the better of you. Life is cruel sometimes, and since we started ttc 10 of my friends have annoucned they are pregnant,2 of them have recently given birth and they others do not have long to go, and here I am waiting the arrival of my period, not the stork

eleveld Mon 01-Sep-08 16:22:10

It is crap isn't it.

The way I handle it is just to be positive about the good things I have in life. I've got a great deal more than a lot of people - a fantastic DP that I adore, secure job, lovely home etc. There's people in far worse situations than me.

Yes I'm devastated that I can't have children but the way I look at it is I have two choices - I can eaither let it ruin the rest of my life or I can get on with it and have a fantastic life, just in a different way to I imagined.

I chose the latter!

That's just my humble view anyway


abbieslife Mon 01-Sep-08 16:26:24

Lynsy, my best friend in the world had a mc when when I was expecting DS2. I was absolutely devestated, could not even go to her as I didn't want to 'flaunt' my bump. My advice is to be honest with your friend and try not to push her away. If she is a true friend she will do everything she can not to make it worse for you. You will be there for each other, through good times and bad. She will completely understand that you cannot be overjoyed by her news...or at least not in the same way as you would usually.
So sorry for your situation.

beanieb Mon 01-Sep-08 17:27:24

I guess it must be quite liberating to be told there's no hope? I think I would rather that than it being unexplained sad

VeryKeenForABean Mon 01-Sep-08 18:03:42


I'm so sorry for what you're going through atm. It is such a natural way to feel and try not to feel worse by feeling bad for feeling like that (if that makes any sense?!) I have really struggled to explain to friends (all of whom seem to fall pregnant v quickly, and carry with no probs!) that I am happy for them, but that I am also extremely sad too.

Good friends are good friends and your relationship will weather the storm with work on both sides.

Thinking of you, x

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