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Fertility clinic want semen sample but dp blatently refuses

(33 Posts)
ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 09:39:09

I just don,t know what to do.
I have been ttc for almost a year and I am getting very fretful about things.
My dp has never been too keen on another and has only sort of come round on the idea and I have always gone to any appointments on my own.
Now the fertility clinic have asked for a semen analysis and my dp refuses to do it, I am not doing that is the answer I got from him it doesn,t matter how much I try to bring him around he won,t do it.
I think he finds the whole thing deeply disturbing the thought of providing this sample.
What on earth can I say to the fertility clinic.

MrsTittleMouse Wed 20-Aug-08 09:44:19

I would tell them the truth.
They will have their hands completely tied without the sample though. I can't see them being willing to treat you if there is a 50% chance that your DP has a fertility problem instead of/as well as you.
Has he told you why exactly he doesn't want to do it?

beanieb Wed 20-Aug-08 09:47:22

Is he refusing because it's his way of getting what he wants (no more children) or because he finds it embarrassing?

WorzselMummage Wed 20-Aug-08 09:47:30

I had a problem getting a sample from my DF.

I lost my rag one day and told him to be a man and ranted at him about his selfish and pathetic he was being for a while, slammed some doors, cried a bit you get the picture ?

anyway it worked.

Tell him he's being, for want of a better word, a twat.

MrsTittleMouse Wed 20-Aug-08 09:48:00

I bet that this won't be the first time that the clinic have encountered this problem, by the way. So they might have some ideas on how to tackle it.

janinlondon Wed 20-Aug-08 09:48:04

I think you may have trouble convincing the clinic to continue with investigations or treatment if one half of the party is not coming to the party (so to speak). I think there may be something more to this. You need to talk.

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 09:49:30

He just simply says there is no way he is going to do that, he is just not the sort of person to have anything to do with doctors etc.
I am so angry with him, although I am pretty sure that I am the one with the problem due to various things, they just want to test him as matter of routine.
A big part of the problem is that he is not comitted to having another at all he doesn,t see a need and he is happy with the one we already have.
However I am so desperate and I wish he could see that and do it for me.

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 09:53:10

It is a problem it took me 2 years to persuade him but he still couldn,t give 2 hoots as to whether I have another or not.
We are not spring chickens either I am 38 he is 44.
I know that time is running out for me.
Family have said its not right that I am pressurising him into another, but I just can,t help myself, I really want another so badly.

WorzselMummage Wed 20-Aug-08 09:53:58

Does he know they he wont have to go to hospital and do it ?

My df did his at home one morning and then i took it to the lab at our local hospital for him.. i'd never have got him to do it on one of those little rooms at a clinic... never.

MrsTittleMouse Wed 20-Aug-08 09:54:05

Oh dear. It sounds as though the problems go deeper than providing a sample. Why doesn't he want any more? Could it be down to financial or practical issues that you could sit down and sort out?

expatinscotland Wed 20-Aug-08 09:55:51

I don't think this is about his giving a sample so much as it is that he doesn't sound like he wants another baby.

Sorry, but if I were you I'd get some counselling on my own to figure out how I needed to deal with this.

There's no way to force him to give a sample, of course, and it's also a convenient means for him to not have another baby.

LilRedWG Wed 20-Aug-08 09:57:01

If your husband does not actually want another child I don't think that there is a clinic out there who will treat you anyway, I'm so sorry.

I think that you really need to get to the bottom of this with DH.

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 10:00:45

Its alot of reasons.
He finds children very restricting, he thinks we should now be doing things for ourselves and with a baby in tow we wouldn,t be able to.
He thinks that now our ds is getting older it will restrict what we do with him.
He will say things like if you ever go off out with your family I don,t want to be left looking after children.
Now I only go out occasionally so please don,t think I am swanning off all of the time.
I also do a couple if night shifts at work and he says that he doesn,t want to be left attneding to a baby when he has to get up for work.
I have explained to him that by the time I would go back to work the child may be in a more settled routine at noght.
Then there is the financial side of things we do struggle a bit.
as for the sample I have explained he doesn,t need to see them in person but no he still won,t do it.

yellowflowers Wed 20-Aug-08 10:02:10

Is there any way to use a sample collected in a condom and then transfer it into sample pot?

expatinscotland Wed 20-Aug-08 10:02:59

He doesn't want another child, ifeel.

He has valid reasons for it, as you have valid reasons for wanting another.

Forgive me, but at this point, you don't need a fertility clinic, you need a relationship or marriage counsellor to determine if and how you might be able to come to some agreement on the issue of having another child.

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 10:04:29

I have tried explaining that I don,t want our ds to grown up on his own and the benefits of him having a littel brother or sister could outway anything else.
I have thought about that yellowflowers but I am not sure that the sperm would survive that way and be any good.

yellowflowers Wed 20-Aug-08 10:06:01

If you get a completely spermicide free one it might work?

expatinscotland Wed 20-Aug-08 10:06:24

He's not buying it, ifeel.

He feels differently.

No fertility clinic is going to be able to help you because, unless you are using a sperm donor, he's going to have to play an active part.

And deception doesn't set things off on a good course.

Please, get some counselling.

Dropdeadfred Wed 20-Aug-08 10:07:50

I'm sad for you, but he is giving you your answer... wouldn't want another child with someone who says he doesn't want to be left looking after it as if it is lost luggage!!!
I think you really need to be consdering what you want most, another child or a marriage to your husband...as they do't seem to be compatible at the moment - sorry.

BlingLovin Wed 20-Aug-08 10:10:50

I agree with expat. You seem to be on entirely opposite ends of the spectrum on this with neither of you willing, or able, to back down. You need to figure that bit out before you can agree to have a child. Otherwise, in the same way you feel he's not helping you achieve what you really really want, he probably feels you're not respecting his needs and wants.

I don't think that "stealing" his sperm in a condom is the way forward. That seems dishonest and is likely to break things down further?

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 10:11:34

Oh god I hate this its tearing me apart.
I know I am a very silly woman because all that I can think of is how I just want another child, and I am thinking that when I get what I want he will simply adjust, I know its selfish but all that I am bothered about is getting what I want so badly.
I know that he would also refuse to go to a counsellor you wouldn,t believe how awkward he can be about everything.

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 10:14:17

Thats exactly it he doesn,t feel I am respecting his wants and needs and he throws that in my face whenever I tell him about mine, and I must admit I am stuck for words as I know he has a point.

expatinscotland Wed 20-Aug-08 10:14:52

'when I get what I want he will simply adjust, I know its selfish but all that I am bothered about is getting what I want so badly.
I know that he would also refuse to go to a counsellor you wouldn,t believe how awkward he can be about everything.'

He might have, if he'd been halfway willing to have another child. But the chances of his doing so are slim to none because a) he is making it VERY clear to you that he doesn't want another child b) he is not a willing participant and you need fertility assistance.

And therefore, what you want may not be best for your family, including your other child.

That's something you need to work with a professional about, and if he won't go, then you go on your own.

But as it stands, he's not going be a willing participant with assisted reproduction and so therefore you don't stand much of a chance of conceiving.

He may be reluctant to go along because he may have already had a vasectomy.

TillyScoutsmum Wed 20-Aug-08 10:16:11

You're not a very silly woman for wanting another child - but nor is he silly for not wanting another. Unfortunately, its not really an issue you can compromise - one of you has to "win"

If you were to fall pg naturally would he be ok with it ??

ifeelsleepy Wed 20-Aug-08 10:17:19

I am sorry guys I have to go out, I am actually due at the fertility clinic today.
I will log on later.

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