TTC - Did anybody face negative responses from family / friends?

[Elf1981]

Hi, I'm pretty new to MN. DH & I decided the time was right to TTC. We said we would keep it to ourselves - no point getting people all excited when it could take months, if not longer, for us to concieve. We also made a point of not telling family.
Four months in, and it is driving me mad. So many people we know keep asking us when we're "going to hear the patter of tiny feet". A friend even said next time we visited she wanted me to be pregnant!
They are all comments I know I should take with a pinch of salt, but that last one came the day after I found out I was not pregnant last month, and needless to say, it was an emotional / disappointing time.
I'm trying to learn to live with their comments (my DH seems a little unfazed by them, so I'm trying to follow his example!), but it's our families I am worried about.
My mum keeps making it perfectly clear that she does not to be a grandma yet, and came outright and told me the other month that I should wait a few years before I have children.
At my wedding receiption, my parents and his discussed how long they felt it was best for us to wait to have kids! Mum has made it clear she think's it is a bad move - and I'm starting to get worried about what she will say.
At my age, my mum had two kids. I understand where she is coming from, as she was alone, and doesn't want the same for me. But I'm 23, I am married, I have a mortgage on my house, I have a job which gives up to a years maternity. To me, I cannot see a better time.
Do I talk to my mum outright before I get pg? Do I tell the friends who just wont let it go that we're trying, or just to bugga off?
I just wondered if anybody else had faced the same amount of negativity and how they coped.
Sorry for long message - had to get it off my chest!

Love Elf

[munnzieb]

it's up to you really I think. We've been quite lucky really, or at least Mil was soooo excited she went straigh out and started knittin some stuff, but my parents, we didn't tell for 4 months, then it all came to a head as I was really down about it all as i'm sure you are. she's been absolutly brilliant about it all, althou she says she doesn't want to be a gran yet she kows it will take a while and ultimatly things are up to us. In honesty thou it would've been nice to talk to my mum about it but it's also nice that we kept things quite in the first instance. It's up to you and DH really if you want to tell people. only think i'd say about it thou is ppl will start to get more intrested in your bodily functions as it were! lol.

Any how welcome to mumsnet and u'll find loads of support on here esp in the TTC thread.

[lilsmum]

prsonally i wouldnt tell anyone, mainly because i think people would keep asking .... are you pregnant yet? etc and i think it would get you down, as regards your mum its up to you and your dh when you have kids no one else!!! i can relate to the negativity though, i have 1 dd (almost 12mth) and i keep getting "stick to one, dont have anymore!!" and i know when the time is right and i get pregnant again i will probably be faced with negative comments, which will seriously get me down, but i have had no help with dd so its down to me and dp to make that decision nobody else as i wont rely on any one to help me out iykwim

good luck with your ttc xxx

[clare1980]

Me and my dp got the same response from my family who said it was too soon and i already have one dd so why did i possibly want anther one but my partner is 40 and feels his time is running out so we are chosing to ignore their comments but when i was a month late my mum was thrilled so i think as long as we are happy they will be happy

[Elf1981]

Thanks for the messages, they really help
I guess it is a little upsetting to realise that it isn't all rosy as you'd expect. The stereotypical mother badgering for grandchildren is a long cry away from my mum!
We would have started TTC a long time ago (we have been together five years) but we wanted to get a house, get settled, get married and have a little time on our own. I'm also in a much better job, as in getting 6 months fully paid maternity leave. So 3 yrs ago was slightly broody, so it's exploded now!
I don't want everybody knowing my business, the only reason I'd tell some friends is to stop tackless comments. Such as being told about other people's babies, and being told to start thinking about having kids. Feel like saying "what do you think I'm doing, with all the sex, and lying with my legs in the air?!"
Never mind! I'm pretty confident that one of my MIL's (DH step mum) will be over the moon, as will my FIL. Think his mum and her DH might be another matter, they're quite contained with their feelings.
My ma will be the problem though. I'm just hoping that when we tell her, she'll be over the moon. It's either that or I don't tell her until I've gone into labour, and hope that the first hold of her first grandchild makes her heart melt.
Good luck for all you TTC - fingers crossed!
Love
Elf

[happymerryberries]

I had a mc with my first, much wanted , pregnancy. My mother said, never mine, what you never have you can never miss.

Someone in work berated a room for us for being abnormal women who didn't want children. In the room was me, following my mc and left with a years treatment to correct a probelm that had left me infertile, a woman who couldn't have children because of cervical problems, a woman on her third round of IVF and a woman who's long term bf had just dumped her. What an arsehole.

Some people just don't think , do they?

[kid]

When my sister got pregnant (with her 1st or 2nd, can't remember) my mum said to her 'Is it congratualtions or commiserations (sp?)'
At the time, I didn't think much of it, but if I had got that reaction, I would have been really annoyed. I phoned my mum and dad when I was expecting!

[runtus]

My mum has consistently said 'don't get tied down, your too young ot have kids yet' and all that for the past 20 years! My sister got married last year (at 30!) and my mum started off saying 'but why?' and then when the wedding day came she was a total mess and I had to hold her up she was crying so much!

She has said to me just this year, when she heard I was visiting a friend and their new baby "don't you go getting any ideas just yet" and it really made me worry about how she will feel if and when I tell her I'm expecting, but my sister made me realise you just have to get on with what you want to do and everyone else will either fall into line with your wishes - or you turn to other people that do. In the end I rckon she'll be over the moon for us but she is still the one person i dread telling.......

I have to say I thknk you have been so adult and forward thinking in all that you have done - great job and maternity package, own home, married and settled....it's not like you've rushed into it! I bet your mum will be a bit shocked but over the moon once the dust settles.

[Wifeof]

Advice from an 'old duffer' (almost 40, 2 children, ttc #3)....

1. Don't tell anyone - it's your business and no-one elses. It will be incredibly difficult for you if it takes you a while to conceive and others are making 'helpful' comments. There are no such helpful comments! Stick to offloading your thoughts and worries here on MN, especially the ttc threads - everyone here is very supportive and helpful and there's always someone around to 'talk' to or answer a question.
   
   (Yes, it's hard when people make insensitive comments when you're ttc and they don't know, but it's over instantaneously unlike a 'friend' who will keep going on about it.)
   
   
2. If you feel your life is ready for children then go for it, don't worry about what anyone else may think. The best possible gift you can give your children is a happy stable homelife and bucketfuls of love.
   
   
3. If you can achive this while you're young, you'll never regret it. It only gets harder as you get older. My only regret so far is that I didn't have a smaller gap and therefore more children at a younger age.
   
   
4. You never regret what you do, only what you don't!
   
   Best of luck, Wifeof x

[Bozza]

Personally I would not tell anyone. I don't think telling people will stop the tactless comments, they might change and make different tactless comments - thats all. AS wifeof suggests - use mumsnet. Think thats the beauty of mumsnet really - can help you through things like that.

[Bozza]

Oh and good luck with TTC.

[MINNIE1]

I would'nt tell anyone, and at the end of the day if you and your DH feel your both ready for chrildren and its the right thing "do it".. In fairness i think it was wrong for your parents and you DP parents to discuss "the right time for you to have chrildren"
I get alot of people asking when is the ring coming (as DP and i have not even tied the knot yet) even though were happy and have a house together we even have a dog, but were happy and i not into all that side of it really..
Good luck and down let them get to you rise above them if possible..
Hugs to you (((((((hugs)))))))

[ernest]

Well, I'm the odd one out then . I have told all my family I'm ttc again, just so I don't have to put up with their reactions of horror/asking it it was a mistake which I had last time. And the time before. At least they can shriek & whatever now & hopefully be at least tactful if / when we ever get the bfp. It's horrible really. They especially adore ds3, but reacted in horror at news of pg with him & with ds2 too. I know no one, except sil will have anything nice or positive to say.

[ernest]

btw, some of the neg comments I've had when beaming with excitment at my news
"don't you mind? You know having another so soon"
"Was it a mistake?"
"Oh well"
"Another?? You've got to feed and clothe them you know"
"Have you always wanted a big family?" (From in-law having go at me for 'forcing' dh to produce huge numbers of kids)
"You must be crazy"
I'm sure there are more - these are just the ones that spring immediately to mind

[sassybabee]

we havent told family were ttc #4, they'd go mad, with loadsa dissaproval! so not intending to tell me yet! its my choice anyway!

[Elf1981]

Just got to to say that I am loving MN. This is my new home! You are all so nice, and it's fantastic to know I'm not the only one going though things.
I'd been going around thinking I was the only one who had insensitive friends and family... how silly was I?!
It is reassuring to know that despite being faced with negativity, you now have friends / relatives who couldn't imagine life without the children you have had.
I once read that peoples reactions to pregnancy were based on their feelings towards their own pregnancies. I know my ma worries, she was 18 when pg with my sis, 22 with me, and 23 when divorced "The Sperm Donor".
I sometimes just feel like shaking her and shouting that was her life, not mine. Since I was about 14, I could imagine nothing more than wanting to have children. Luckily I met a guy who felt exactly the same way as I did about TTC.
Mind you, I do wonder whether in X amount of years I will be telling my own DS / DD that they are out of their mind to want to get pg!!
Good luck to all of you TTC, really hope 2005 is a fertile year!
Love Elf xxxx

[monkey]

are you going to go for it then elf? It's true, for me anyway, that while had lots of neg. comments, they do all really adore all of the kids. But you must go for what's right for you & dh above all comments. best wishesxxx

[Elf1981]

Yeah, I'm going for it. Keeping lips sealed with all known relatives though! After reading all the advice here, though I'd been stressed at the negative comments, I realise I'm not the only one. Fingers crossed and here's hoping for a fertile January!
I'll keep you all posted with any developments.

Love Elf

[wog]

Elf1981 my mum is the same and I dont understand it infact it really upsets me when I was trying for my first everyone including my mum was so supportive and excited and comforted me every month when it did not happen but I felt that as soon as I had dd my mum stated telling me how 1 was enough and telling me how hard her life was with my ds and db but I understood because the 3 of us where not planned and she had us at 17, 21 and 25 and the had a hystorectamy just after her 3rd but I was 26 when I had my dd and will be 29 this year and it is not as if my mum gives me any help - she has only watched my dd twice and she is now 21/2 - she keeps reminding me of how tired I was and how my husband was not a great help but my point is I know all this but at least I know that it does not go on forever whereas the first time you dont know whats round the corner and to be honest now I'm glad I did it all myself because I have no one to thank and it might me hard work but the rewards are worth it in the end!!!

[singsong]

Elf, I don?t know your mum so I?m not trying to judge her reaction here but I thought I?d tell you my experience. My mother had me when she was quite young and I think she regretted it and thought it would have been better to wait until she?d finished college etc. She has always been very anti me having children at all. Kept telling me repeatedly not to bother and to concentrate on having a career and my own life. In every other aspect of my life she has never interfered and has always been happy for me to do as I please but with the issue of kids it has always been so different. Then about a year and a half ago I found myself in a similar position to you, have dh, job, house and wanted a baby. I am a lot older than my mother was when she had me. Anyway I got pregnant and one day before I had told everyone I was at my mother?s house when a young child was visiting and had to sit through the usual ?don?t ever have kids? talk. A bit later in my preg dh and I announced with great joy to all our other family that we were going to have a baby and then we went to tell my mother. As we drove to her house I was really dreading it as I have always dreaded the thought of this moment knowing her opinions on the subject. I let dh deliver the news and showed her the scan photo and to my amazement she seemed delighted! She never gave any negative comments. Ds is nearly 6 months old now and she loves him.

On the subject of telling people you are ttc I think that is a very personal choice. Personally I would choose not tell people as I think it can generate too much pressure. My poor sil was preg the same time as me but unfortunately had a miscarriage. It was not straight forward and because of the complications she was told not to ttc again until further tests had been done and everything had cleared up. After several months she has now been told she can ttc again which is great but everyone keeps mentioning it to her. I wish they?d all leave her alone because she?s been through enough disappointment without being asked things like ?are you pregnant yet?? all the time. I?m sure she?ll tell everyone when she is without being asked! Unfortunately people will be nosey so unless you are willing to give out ?daily updates? then I?d keep quiet for now.

[jabberwocky]

Not really any advice here Elf, but I can sympathize. I was single for much of my twenties and thirties and had resigned myself to thinking that I would never have children and so put on the air of "Oh, well, I really never wanted kids anyway". More of a protective stance really. Anyway, after I married dh and we got pregnant a year and a half later, instead of congratulations all round I had to put up with loads of shocked comments and questions. It was so tiring. I just wanted everyone to be happy for me.
Also, after telling some friends we were ttc, one asked me at a party, "So, did you change your mind then?" I had just started AF that day and was so depressed about not conceiving that I almost burst into tears. People just don't seem to know how to behave on this issue sometimes.

[Elf1981]

I think that people do not realise what a negative affect they are having when they pass comments about having children. My DH and I have been trying for nearly five months now, and each time it gets harder to realise I'm not pg. I'm not worrying that anything is wrong (yet!), as it can take a long time, plus I'd been on the pill which can effect time.
But while TTC and not having anybody else know, it leaves you open to the whole 'when are you having kids' and 'oh, don't have kids, you'll regret it' speeches. People think they are passing these comments on in good wisdom and don't realise that they can actually make your insides churn!
Last weekend, my 18mth old goddaughter pulled the bottom of my top up and pointed at my tummy, asking what it was. (Embarrassing as in the middle of a shop, and tummy is not best toned ). I laughed her off, and she smiled, stroked my tummy all the while saying 'ahh, baby'.
So I may be paranoid thinking the whole world is talking about my fertility, but when 18mth olds are badering me about having kids...!!!
TTC is a stressful time, any comments that would have rolled off ducks backs before now mean something and are upsetting. But why is it that any female from 14 - 50 seems to 'open target' for comments about babies?
I'm hoping my mum will be pleased when I do get pg. I know that various relatives on my side and DH side will be thrilled, but I was the support from my mum too.

[Elf1981]

A work colleague has just announced that she is 16 weeks pg. Happy for her as had been told her chances were very slim.
It does mean that shd I get pg soon, of a team of 5, two work part time & two will be on maternity! Guess the male will have to do all the work!!

[jessicasmummy]

me and DH deperately want to try for another - dd is only 6 months old but i dont want a huge gap between them but my family are dead against the idea, saying i should wait til jess starts school!!!! I'm trying so hard to avoid sex with DH at present as i cant face going back on the pill and he point blank refuses to wear condoms

[Elf1981]

Jessicasmummy, I think you should go for it. I've come to the conclusion (although I was very much in doubt when I started this tread) that you have to follow what is being said in your heart.
My DH & I are still trying, despite there seeming to be more reasons added each day that we should wait (not very substancial reasons, just lots of doubting people and stuff). But I'm following my heart.
You'll get people convincing you to wait until DD is in school - but if you said you didn't want another baby until after DD was at school, you'd get people jumping on the bandwagon of "don't leave too much of an age gap!"
I think no matter what we want, we'll never please anybody. But if what you want pleases yourself and DH, that is all that matters.
Good luck if you do TTC.

Love ELF

[jessicasmummy]

an update.... WE ARE TTC!!!! Hoorah!