When to stop trying?

[whattodo234]

When do you stop trying? We are TTC number 2. My DD is nearly 4 was conceived first month of trying so gave us a false idea of how easy conception is!

In the grand scheme we haven't been trying that long (12 months) but I'm 40 soon and the age gap is just widening to the point they may not be the playmates we envisaged.

I don't want to go down the IVF route or have tests due to a traumatic first birth and can't bear the thought of intrusive tests.

I always said we'd give it to the end of the summer but now think maybe try one more month...but if you have decided to stop, how did you make that decision and was your DH in full agreement?

[Mo81]

This is such a personal choice only you can decide. Ttc unsuccessfully is emotionally draining. Ive been there and nearly destroyed myself in the process. So i guess what im saying is you have to decide if its worth the emotional turmoil .

[EL8888]

It’s a tough one. We have been trying for 2 years and 2 months but got nowhere, even with fertility drugs, IVF etc. We don’t even have a diagnosis. We are probably quitting at the end of the year. Realistically by 2.5 years then it’s unlikely to happen for us. It really depends on how you both feel and if you can face stopping. You also probably need to work out what stopping looks like. Is it using contraception? Is it not being strategic about when you have sex? Etc

The whole thing has got to me massively. My fiancé has suggested stopping before now because of this. But l can’t face stopping even though lm sick of our situation

[whattodo234]

I think that's how I feel, despite being on a constant emotional rollercoaster I can't quite bring myself to go back on the pill as it seems so final then. God it really is such a drain. One more month then maybe..

[villamariavintrapp]

It is a difficult one. Obviously you can make the decision for any reason, but the age gap probably wouldn't bother me that much-ok they may not be best friends as little kids, but that would matter less and less as they get older. And beyond teenagers wouldn't matter at all. And 39/40 isn't necessarily that old. Though obviously that's more about how you feel. I don't think I'd be able to 'stop' trying, but completely understand that continuing can be soul destroying, so there's no right answer!

[Misskg1982]

I'm getting to this point....
Been 9 months and nothing, our DD is almost 4 and was conceived within 3 months after a miscarriage. At first we didn't do anything to help it happen other then the deed. But am now tracking etc and just stressing myself out which prob isn't helping matters. OH now talks of just staying at one but i really dont want to give up just yet. But how long do we continue and deal with the never ending negative tests and the emotion drain come the end of each month..... It's so frustrating.
Hand hold my lovely, I feel your pain xx

[dogmam]

I think from reading your post, that you wanted your 1st and 2nd child to be close in age and obviously the longer you ttc ultimately is widening the age gap, so it depends on what you and your husband want and how important a closer age gap means to you both. If it's not so important, then don't stop (or at least don't go back on the pill). If the age gap is the most important factor, then perhaps decide on the exact age gap that would be acceptable e.g 5 year 6 month between the two, then work out when your last month of conception would be. Good luck and hope you are able to come to a decision you are both happy about x

On another note.. what are people's thoughts on 'trying' and 'No longer trying'? Obviously contraception is the ultimate 'not trying' but if you are dtd without contraception, regardless of if you are tracking etc then surely this is classed as 'trying'? Is that what others think?

[2020mission]

We can't make the decision for you, but I did want to drop in and say there's 6 years between my brother and me and we got on fine. Of course I was younger so probably annoyed him at times when I was in my early years but he was old enough to understand and be interested in there being a new baby/little sister in the house and was even quite helpful. So don't worry about the age gap!

[whattodo234]

@dogmam

I think from reading your post, that you wanted your 1st and 2nd child to be close in age and obviously the longer you ttc ultimately is widening the age gap, so it depends on what you and your husband want and how important a closer age gap means to you both. If it's not so important, then don't stop (or at least don't go back on the pill). If the age gap is the most important factor, then perhaps decide on the exact age gap that would be acceptable e.g 5 year 6 month between the two, then work out when your last month of conception would be. Good luck and hope you are able to come to a decision you are both happy about x

On another note.. what are people's thoughts on 'trying' and 'No longer trying'? Obviously contraception is the ultimate 'not trying' but if you are dtd without contraception, regardless of if you are tracking etc then surely this is classed as 'trying'? Is that what others think?

In terms of "not trying" I think I would go back on the pill as I think i will need to grieve and make peace with not having another so wouldn't then want the uncertainty. My husband would prefer we just keep not using any contraception and "see what happens" but that's the bit I can't get my head round as I feel all year I've been bound by my monthly cycle. I can't continue like this indefinitely!