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Did you tell people if you're struggling to conceive?

(19 Posts)
Jessesgirl13 Mon 17-Aug-20 17:20:05

We're six months into ttc for our second child. Our first happened straight away so its come as a bit of a blow that this is taking a lot longer. We're having some fertility tests done tomorrow to try and start finding out whats going on.

This whole thing is becoming very stressful and now I'm starting to get people mentioning how its 'time for another' and one friend has even asked me if im pregnant. I find these comments both hurtful and infuriating and I figure I'm just going to get more of them the longer this takes.

I just dont know whether to come clean and tell people we're having issues in the hope they'll stop the questions and comments.

The problem is i dont want to hear people's advice or opinions or the whole 'just relax and it will happen's.

If you are struggling/struggled to conceive, have you told people?

OP’s posts: |
Thewait2020 Mon 17-Aug-20 17:55:18

Personally I have, we’ve been married 18 months and have been trying for our first so we’ve had the annoying “your turn next”, “are you starting a family?” Questions.

I found it easier to just say we’re struggling and then people tend to never ask again.
It doesn’t stop the advice I’m afraid, I hear multiple times how I need to relax, not try, get drunk, think about other things, when it’s not on my mind it’ll happen.
It’s absolutely infuriating and completely hurtful but I think people don’t know what to say, that’s the issue.

Best of luck with your appointment and journey x

AnonymousXXIX Mon 17-Aug-20 17:58:29

I would much rather discuss everything with everyone, and get rid of the taboo, because that would make me feel better! But I also understand not all my friends would be comfortable with that. That said, I do have two colleagues who talk about it openly so that helps.

Personally, I actually haven't told anyone we're ttc altogether, because it was a spontaneous pandemic decision (the timing! not the desire for children itself). So now that we're 6 months on and it is proving difficult ( ? ) I am finding it very hard to tell people, even my family, just because they would all be so surprised we'd be ttc to start with! I am sure they would be excited about it eventually, but I am finding it very hard to push myself into those initial convos. I told them I went off my contraceptives to regulate my hormones, which was completely true at the time, and I just cannot stand the thought of them quietly assuming to themselves that I had ulterior motives. Somehow that really gets to me.

Bells3032 Mon 17-Aug-20 17:59:49

I cannot for the life of me understand people making comments about other people's plans for kids. When someone has something to tell you they well.

Our parents and siblings know and a couple of very close friends. it's no one else's business. But ours is cancer related so think people don't assume anything

BikeTyson Mon 17-Aug-20 18:00:27

I didn’t, we’re very private people and it’s none of their business. I also don’t think it’s my responsibility to break any taboo - if other people want to tell people I fully support them but didn’t want to myself. I’m not sure it would have shut down the comments so much as opened up a whole new set of conversations I didn’t want to have.

BikeTyson Mon 17-Aug-20 18:02:01

I retrospectively told some friends after DD was born and tbh they’d already guessed. It was a 2.5 year process for us though and I did withdraw quite a lot.

Nosleeptilteenagers Mon 17-Aug-20 18:08:55

I didn’t, apart from a couple of close friends and my parents to shut them up (secondary infertility). In hindsight I wish I had and I might still. It’s such a taboo subject and affects way more people than we might think but they’re too embarrassed (as I am/was) to admit it.

NoCallerID Tue 18-Aug-20 12:40:23

It's very difficult and everyone has to make their own decision. There's no right or wrong.
If you feel better telling people, then go ahead. I would share so much more with family and friends but it's not only about me but also my husband, who doesn't want anyone to know. We have a 2yo and had a TFMR at 14 weeks in February, 3 chemicals that no one knows about since. I feel like on top of all this I'm carrying a big secret with me and if it was solely up to me I'd shout it from the rooftops. Possibly a selfish thing to get some weight off my shoulders but we're all different.... I wish it was something people would talk more openly about, yet I also understand why they can't.

oldmapie Tue 18-Aug-20 14:00:18

Yes, because I got fed up of people asking when we would be starting a family. I also made sure people knew it was DH who had the difficulty mil liked to 'blame me' as I got fed up with the assumption it was meconfusedblushgrin
I also think male infertility needs to be much more openly discussed.

Bells3032 Tue 18-Aug-20 14:09:03

@oldmapie deff agree. when we found out about my DH i looked for support etc but there was nothing available really. it has been a real struggle with little to no advice. Found all fertility advice around IVF and poor eggs etc. Nothing on medicine for azoospermia etc sad

jules5232 Tue 18-Aug-20 14:33:04

I usually do if they are coming from a good place (close family and friends) because it makes it easier and me less frustrated I think! If someone suggests something along the lines of "it's your turn" I'll say "I know, it just doesnt seem to be working for us quite yet". And they either don't ask again or they allow me to talk a little bit about it which honestly feels kinda nice.

MeadowHay Tue 18-Aug-20 14:43:01

With respect I wouldn't consider 6 months of TTC 'struggling to concieve'. Within the parameters of normal fertility levels a lot of it is luck so I'm not sure why people who essentially for super lucky first time around would expect that to happen again. Statistically that's clearly unlikely. It took us 5 months with our first and we knew it could have easily taken up to a year even with no issues (or longer if unlucky). There are so many threads on MN of people who are genuinely 'struggling to ttc' but 6 months of trying isn't anywhere close to 'struggling'!

Tink2019 Tue 18-Aug-20 14:48:07

We told the bare minimum to our parents, siblings and closest friends because we'd been quite open about wanting a family once we were married, so telling them we were struggling 6 months in avoided them asking and gave us a bit of a support network...I found the worst interrogations came from the older family members - an aunt actually said that we were "really keeping everyone waiting" which really hurt. Part of me thinks it's easier everyone knowing, but we also didn't feel it was everyone's business.

After almost a year of trying we've just got our BFP so we're now just mentally preparing for all the "why aren't you drinking / eating all that Brie that you love" type questions 🙈 Best of luck with your tests etc x

DramaAlpaca Tue 18-Aug-20 14:52:10

It took us 11 months to conceive our first. We didn't tell a soul we were trying, even when I was starting to get a bit concerned that it was taking a while. Even when my DM started telling me I was getting a bit old for starting a family and we really should get on with it - I was 28, fgs!

Flutterpieandpinkieshy Tue 18-Aug-20 14:59:52

MeadowHay

With respect I wouldn't consider 6 months of TTC 'struggling to concieve'. Within the parameters of normal fertility levels a lot of it is luck so I'm not sure why people who essentially for super lucky first time around would expect that to happen again. Statistically that's clearly unlikely. It took us 5 months with our first and we knew it could have easily taken up to a year even with no issues (or longer if unlucky). There are so many threads on MN of people who are genuinely 'struggling to ttc' but 6 months of trying isn't anywhere close to 'struggling'!

That's not very constructive is it.

It feels like a lifetime when you're desperate for another baby

Jessesgirl13 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:16:22

Thanks for all of the helpful responses. I do feel that if i ended up telling family it will just open us up to more questions. We're a very private couple so it doesnt make me comfortable to tell people our business. I'd only be doing it in the hope that it would take the pressure off.

But I also think the longer this takes the more likely I am to snap back at someone who makes any comments to me blush

OP’s posts: |
CarelessSquid07A Tue 18-Aug-20 15:16:33

I've told some close friends.

A couple of colleagues have guessed but that's it really.

I've been slowly trying to get the in laws used to the idea of adoption by dropping it in conversations so they might have guessed but we dont really want to discuss it until we've agreed to proceed with that.

Jessesgirl13 Tue 18-Aug-20 15:25:27

@MeadowHay with respect your post is completely unnecessary.

My question was to people who struggled to find out if they told people and if it helped. This thread isn't here to debate what you personally feel is worthy of being classed as a 'struggle'.

OP’s posts: |
MsJuniper Tue 18-Aug-20 15:53:45

When I had recurrent mcs and was asked when I was having a 2nd baby I used the phrase "it's not always as simple as that" which usually shut people up.

A few close friends knew and I did sometimes talk about it but sometimes you just need to shut it down.

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