How did you know it was the right time to have a baby?

[AmyD54321]

Hi everyone,

I am 28 and partner is 30 soon. We've been together for 11 years (met very young!) But we're not married yet. We don't own a home, but have a deposit saved, and we hope to buy somewhere next year.

For the last year I've been feeling desperately that I want a baby. We've spoken about this and agree that we definitely want this, but more like 'in the future' rather than actively discussing it, if that makes sense.

I've always had irregular periods, so I'm concerned about my fertility, and all of a sudden I feel like the 'future' has hit me hard and I feel like I can't wait any longer. Basically my question is, when did you know it was time to have a baby?

In my head, I feel that we should own a home and be married, but both of these things could take a year or two, and I suddenly feel my biological clock ticking, especially as I approach 30 with possibly fertility problems. (I know I can't be sure about this, but I know my periods are very irregular so I'm assuming!)

[Nat4392]

I’ve always known I’ve wanted children. It’s something I’ve made clear to my DH from the beginning and he feels the same way. I’m also 28 and DH is 30, also been together 10 years. We bought our first home a few years ago and discussed “when” but there is never a “right time” so we agreed that once we got married (which was October last year) we would start trying. Still not pregnant yet!
Just go for it if it’s something you both want. I never realised how difficult it could be to actually get pregnant in the first place, so when I speak to people about it now, I don’t advise waiting for “the right time” as you never know. Obviously your personal circumstances play a big part and timing-wise it just worked out for us. You never know, you could get pregnant first try or it could take years. Honestly I’m glad we waited til we owned our own home as that was such a big deal (we never rented, just stayed with parents so we could save) but getting married before a baby is absolutely not necessary. I’m totally rambling now but hopefully that actually made sense. Good luck x

[Pol96]

@AmyD54321 like pp I've always known I've wanted children. I'm 24 at the end of the month (dp is 24 too, been together almost 10 years) he and I bought our home on February this year. We decided as I also have irregular cycles that we'd start trying once we'd moved. Cycle 1 of tracking using bbt and opks (cycle 2 overall) and I'm 6+5 today. So just because your cycles are irregular, it doesn't mean it will take ages or you have problems, I know it's hard not to think that though. My cycles ranged between 30 days (only happened twice) and 121days so I thought it would take months if not years, seeing that positive test was a bit of a shock and I am still testing as I don't believe it. Good luck! X

[AmyD54321]

@pol96 That’s really encouraging to hear your success, congratulations! You’re absolutely right in how easy it is to assume the worst, I suppose I’m thinking of worst case scenario, it’s difficult to not read all the stories of it taking years and years and not assume the same will happen to me!

@Nat4392 thanks so much for that post, and I’m actually the opposite in thinking that for me personally being married has always been more important...but I’ve realised that I just don’t want to wait for that anymore! My partner and I are completely committed to each other, but marriage has never felt like it was important til we starting considering a baby. Good luck, I hope you become pregnant soon! X

[Pol96]

@AmyD54321 thank you! The problem with forums is you generally only hear the bad. I'm now absolutely terrified about having a miscarriage because I've seen all the stories on here. You don't see the success stories, or the positive pregnancy stories as much, so it makes you believe that there's more chance of things not working out than there actually is. So keep positive and all the best for your journey x

[KeepSmiling89]

Hi OP
They say there's never the perfect or right time and I suppose it's different for everybody. I'm 31 at the end of this week and DH is 49. Been in my dream job for over a year now so that was when we knew it was time. We rent and, unfortunately DH isn't working just now, but if we keep waiting for the perfect time, we'll be waiting forever.
We have a roof over our heads, stable income, food in the fridge, freezer and cupboards, a spare room and lots of love to give to a baby.

[mamansnet]

We got married at 31, started TTC at 32, found problems at 33, booked in for IVF at 34, had my DS (without IVF!) at 35. The doctors called it a "geriatric pregnancy" (1st child at age 35+).

It took us a lot longer than we'd hoped!

You can get married very quickly if you want to. Start looking at properties soon if you hope to buy next year - get your finger on the pulse for areas that interest you.

You're right to think about TTC early if you expect to have problems. There is never a good or right time - it's such a big decision that's it's easy to keep putting it off. You know what you want and in which order, so get the wheels moving and good luck!

[BarbiesWorld]

The old saying that there's never a right time is very true. DD was a very unexpected happy accident in that we were renting and had only just gotten engaged. In an ideal world we would have waited longer as we were both on very low incomes but we made it work. DH has been promoted several times and is now on a good income for the area we live in. We've managed to buy a house and postponed the wedding until she was a year old.

If you want a baby and you're in a stable relationship just go for it. Like you said, it could take a while. Good luck

[FourPlasticRings]

We did house, then marriage, then baby. I didn't feel like it was the right time until that point, though I'd been broody for a while.

FWIW, my cycle length ranged from 28 to 45 days and it took me seven weeks to conceive my first after coming off hormonal contraception and about 24 hours to conceive my second from deciding to try! We just DTD every other day. At 28, time is still massively on your side, so I wouldn't rush.

[BobbingAlong91]

Like others on this thread, I was very clear from meeting my DP that I wanted kids and he does too. We are both 29 and in stable jobs and recently just decided ‘well, we are getting older and want a couple of kids so why not start now?!’ Being married first definitely crossed my mind, but for me personally, expanding our family is the priority, and like others have said, there’s no perfect time! My cycles are regular 29 days, but I have always had a feeling that it will take a while to conceive, so this definitely contributed to our decision to start before marriage/buying a larger property (we live in a one bedroom now. A large one bedroom, but still...)

Best of luck OP! It’s a big decision but you will make the right one ☺️

[Poppyismyfavourite]

We have wanted kids for a few years but wanted to be married and have a house. Also for us both to have jobs so I could get maternity pay!
House summer 2018, married winter after that, then we both passed our probation periods in April so now we're officially "trying".
We're 29 and 31 now, I have been strongly broody for years now but wanted to be sensible about it.

[Bumblebei]

As the pp’s have said, I don’t think there ever is a right time. Been with OH 15 years. Had our DD’s quite early on who are now 10 and 12. I’m 32 and OH is 43. We both though that was it for us but now we want to try for one more before we get any older. Both in good jobs and own home but I’m at point of needing to do one more year studying to becoming qualified as a lawyer. It’s completely ‘wrong’ timing in that sense for us but it feels right for us personally to extend our family if we are lucky enough and we don’t want to wait or put career first. We want to get married too but know we can do that quickly if we wanted to. These last few months have shown us time waits for no one. We coped with very little in the early days so know we could cope now we are more on our feet financially and emotionally. Physically is another matter after this long lol

[Epigram]

Marriage before kids is only important if you're planning to go part time or become a SAHM after maternity leave. If the two of you are sharing childcare equally then it's not an issue, the problem is if your salary and future earning potential takes a hit while his doesn't. That's when you need the financial protection of marriage.