Struggling with pregnant friends and DH

[Veenah]

Month 11 of TCC, have been trying to stay positive to date but the last few weeks have really gotten on top of me. 6 close friends pregnant, others with small babies. All pregnant friends either started trying after us or have surprise pregnancies. Our fertility investigations stalled due to the lockdown. I have too much time to think due to the lockdown and worry about running out of time. And with so many of my friends being pregnant or having small babies, it feels like there's no escape. Every whatsapp group, every zoom call, it's constant pregnancy and baby talk. I am absolutely delighted for my friends, I really am. But it's tough when my only social outlets now involve jokes about how fertile some friends are and how quickly they get pregnant; complaints about putting on weight; things like "oh wait until you feel that first kick, it's so special"; babies on every zoom call.

This got on top of me yesterday and after the most recent pregnancy announcement in a whatsapp group (the second in a couple of days) and putting my phone away to avoid the 70 messages that followed and a comment that really struck a nerve, I got upset and was in floods of tears. I'm probably PMSing as well which doesn't help, not just as I'm more emotional but also as it's a sign that I'm not pregnant. My DH just did not understand and indicated that I was being a bit nasty and that these people aren't trying to upset me and I should be happy for them. That just upset me more, I am happy for them and I had immediately replied with a very sincere congratulations message. But I feel like I'm also allowed be sad for us and want a break from it all. He also basically said as I was overreacting as he experiences the same thing and doesn't get upset - when I said I doubt his friends talk about children/pregnancy much he said sometimes on zoom calls one of his friends holds his baby. I know the situation is really hard on him too but I think he has no concept of the barrage of stuff I get on a daily basis and he's not in a position to tell me that I shouldn't be reacting like this just because he isn't.

Sorry, this is much longer than I intended. It's just that between my friends all being so baby obsessed at the moment; my DH thinking I'm being unkind and being cooped up in the house bored feeling like precious time is being wasted I'm struggling at the moment and I currently feel very lonely. Am I as awful as DH seems to think I am?

[Nat4392]

Of course you’re not awful! I’m now on cycle #10 of TTC first baby and I’m absolutely falling apart!
Fortunately there aren’t loads of babies/pregnancies around me apart from my best friend who started trying after me and is now 6 months pregnant. I’m absolutely over the moon for her but I’m so bitterly jealous and pissed off it’s not happened for me yet.
Men just deal with emotion so differently to us. AF arrived this weekend and I sobbed my heart out. That’s just how we deal with stuff and annoyingly men try to be more logical about it. I’ve found MN to be such a good place to vent when you don’t think DH will get how you’re feeling x

[islandislandisland]

No you aren't. We tried for 11 months and during that time DP best friend got pregnant a month after their wedding (we'd been trying 7 months by that point) DP brother and wife also got pregnant and my best male friend also announced he was expecting his third accompanied by a casual 'we're always getting pregnant' comment. Every announcement broke my heart a bit more and I felt awful for not being able to just be happy for them but it triggered so much pain for me because we wanted what they had so badly and were being told it might never happen. Like you my partner was really not understanding and regularly told me off for making catty comments or being upset which just made me feel more horrible than I already did, he just didn't feel it like I did. He was upset too but could separate the announcements of people we knew from his own feelings about our situation whereas I couldn't. You aren't alone- trying to conceive was the most horrible lonely time of my life. I would try and take yourself out of situations that make you feel bad as much as possible and don't punish yourself for feeling like you do.

[Veenah]

Thank you both, it's nice to know what I'm feeling is kind of normal and even just typing it all out helped.

I agree that with the level of baby talk directed to me every day I should try to remove myself until I'm in the headspace for it, the problem is that it's so widespread at the moment that it would involve taking a step back from the majority of my friends. But it may be what I need for a while.

@Nat4392, I hope it happens for you soon. Yes I think I'll use Mumsnet a bit more. I've been a lurker until now as I didn't want to get too obsessed with reading threads and posting but when there's noone in real life who currently understands it's good to chat on here.

@islandislandisland if you're currently pregnant congrats! The loneliness is a killer, logically I know that DH and I are in this together and he's great in so many ways but his reactions to this make me feel so alone. I don't want someone to rationally dissect my emotional response and find it lacking, I just want a vent and a hug!!

[October2020]

We tried for 3 years and eventually did IVF (currently pregnant).
My husband and I were walking yesterday and talking about the friends who are unable to be part of our lives right now because we were successful - mostly friends I met through support groups. I was saying how I completely understood that they can't be involved right now, and I mentioned that even now we have been successful (fingers crossed all continues well), I'm not sure all of the horrible emotions of infertility will ever go away. I said that even now, hearing other people's "we weren't even trying!" baby announcements are horrible.

He just could not get it. Not at all. My husband is super supportive and I couldn't ask for a better partner... but he just COULD NOT understand it. He takes the 'life is unfair', 'everyone has shit going on' approach which is true but doesn't help my infertility grief in the slightest.

This is a waffley post to say that I think men (generally) feel it differently. I know my husband suffered horribly when we were trying but obviously in a very different way to me.

The best advice I was ever given when we were really struggling was to number your days, rather than trying to explain your emotions. "I'm having a 10 day today" is clearer to your partner than "I'm feeling angry at their announcement today". Focusing on the practical things we could do to support each other (e.g. it is a 10 day, let's hibernate and watch films, or it is a 5 day, let's go out but I don't want to sit in a cafe in case there are babies there) was much easier and more helpful for us than trying to rationalise each other's emotions.

Sending you support x

[islandislandisland]

Thank you. It is a really hard time TTC and no one really gets it like women who've experienced difficulties or it taking longer. I found even friends in the same boat weren't much comfort as we just fed off each others bitterness and I was always steeled for the day they'd announce they were pregnant. You're welcome to DM me if you're feeling down or anything

[Veenah]

@October2020 thanks for the suggestion, that may make more sense to his male brain! And thanks @islandislandisland for the very kind offer. Wishing both of you very happy and healthy pregnancies.

[October2020]

You're welcome to message me if talking helps you feel less alone. X