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Feeling guilty for wanting a baby..

(11 Posts)
Cjb95 Sun 17-May-20 13:36:39

Hi everyone!

This is my first thread and bare with me it may be in the wrong topic!

I just turned 25 yesterday and for about a year now I have been so broody, it is on and off because I always talk myself out of if and try not to think about it. Me and my DP have always said we will try once we are comfortable with money and move to N.I. (I am originally from there, moved to England 5 years ago)
That won’t happen now for probably 2 years, especially now with what’s going on ATM. I have always said I want to be living close to my mum when I have children because she is the biggest help ever! But I now I’m okay with it as I know I will move eventually.

But I can’t help but shift this feeling of time could run out? I want to have a baby well before I am 30.. I know getting pregnant is harder than it seems and it may not happen straight away or at all for me, I’m sorry if this comes across selfish, I don’t mean to upset anyone!!
but some of us always have a little dream of what we would like to happen and I would love to have a big family if it’s possible for me.

Another obstacle is my DP says he wants to do a few things first like get his own van and do it up as a camper van and use it for travelling to gigs And over Ireland (he’s a FT musician) and that’s amazing! But I don’t see how a baby stops that? Yes it’s money.. but he’s already said it won’t cost him that much to do from scratch etc. He’s 27 now and I don’t think he is grasping that it can be harder as you get in to your 30’s for a woman?

Also I feel guilty for feeling this way with what is going on atm because I know it’s hard for hospital visits and you can’t fully enjoy your pregnancy but this isn’t forever too.

How do i shift this feeling? How do you know when you are ready to have children?

OP’s posts: |
BelievinForAMiracle Sun 17-May-20 13:40:33

I can understand your feelings. I would say don’t wait until you have enough money because you will never feel that you have enough. And it is very true that once you get past 30 it is much harder to conceive. Just looking through the posts here will show you the heart ache felt by so many.
The main things to consider are whether this child will come into a loving stable home. If you have that then do it. The van and everything else can come later, children might not.

Cjb95 Sun 17-May-20 14:31:15

@BelievinForAMiracle That’s what I think about money! My mum had 2 kids before she was 20 and she was able to do it on a part time job.. we are definitely in a better place than that!
We are definitely in a loving relationship and have a family who can’t wait for us to have kids, aunties, uncles cousins etc so no issue there! Think im going to have to have an intervention with my partner 🤔

OP’s posts: |
Sparkles512 Mon 18-May-20 13:30:39

Hi
I am in a similar position as you I'm 25 and my husband is 29. We keep putting off trying because of holidays and money and it just seems never ending!
We have a holiday booked for November not sure if that is going to happen due to covid but we have both agreed we will start trying in December.
Set a date and go with it hopefully!
Good luck with whatever you decide

Wolfgirrl Mon 18-May-20 14:03:26

I had my first last year at 26. It's a great age. I have a pre existing medical condition but physically I sailed through pregnancy (no back ache, no swollen ankles etc), and I've snapped back really quickly. Bags of energy, no juggling elderly parents and kids, my children will (probably although no guarantees) be independent when I am in my 40s, leaving me free to travel and pursue my career etc.

I think some of my friends think I'm nuts for having a baby at my age, but I'm looking forward to the day when they're in their 40s with toddlers and I'm jetting off on holiday wink

I think you should find a compromise. Like if restrictions on gigs arent lifted within a year, you have a baby then and the van idea will have to wait. Maybe start looking at houses/jobs in NI ready to have a game plan ready for when lockdown has ended?

BelievinForAMiracle Mon 18-May-20 14:30:47

Good luck to you @cjb95

JazzyJade Mon 18-May-20 15:35:26

Changed my username btw.. 🤣

Thank you everyone, it’s reassuring to know some people feel the same sometimes!

@Sparkles512 oh amazing good luck!! Nothing wrong with a little baby moon too before baby comes 😂

@Wolfgirrl that’s what I think too about age, my mum had me at 27, we are so close now and she only has grandkids to fuss over no teens or anything which she prefers 😂 I want that for me too If i can!

I definitely think moving will be 2 years as I do want to save for a house and the costs of moving, but we wouldnt be in a bad situation with a baby either! I think it’s more down to my BF that’s the hold up.. think he just thinks a baby holds you back, but I don’t. What’s to say a baby can’t join him in the van 🤣🤣

Thank you!!

Sparkles512 Mon 18-May-20 15:43:29

I think a lot of men struggle with the idea of a baby as they get scared.
My husband loves the idea of a baby but then he doubts his ability to be a good parent and is scared about caring for a child.
I agree with you that most things can be adapted to include baby

Wolfgirrl Mon 18-May-20 16:20:26

As another upside, my mum had me in her early 20s and my nana had my mum in her early 20s. So nana is a great grandma in her 70s! So lovely seeing her with my daughter.

CaribouCarafe Mon 18-May-20 16:40:36

I was in a fairly similar position to you 2 years ago, aged 24, and tbh I'm glad that I've held off on TTC until this year.

What helped me deal with the broodiness was formulating a plan for what I'd like to do before having kids. Mine included the following:
- Finish my Masters
- Qualify for full maternity leave
- Save money for house deposit
- Get healthy and start taking prenatal vitamins
- Get better at cooking/chores
- Travel
- Talk about future plans and family expectations with DH upfront and extensively

My DH was shocked the first time I brought up having kids since we're still quite young, but he's now really excited about the prospect and fully feels ready to be a parent. I think waiting was a good opportunity for him to get to terms with everything he wanted to cross off his pre-baby bucket list grin.

I think if I were in your position I'd get married first for some financial security, especially if you intend to take extended mat leave or be a SAHM. Unless you're anti-marriage, in which case fair enough! But in any case, if I were you I'd make sure your DP is ready and excited to start TTC and that you can guarantee he'll be a supportive partner throughout the pregnancy and after.

I'm also living abroad and originally was planning to wait to come back to the UK before TTC, but then Boris's Brexit and COVID-19 happened and it's clear that I'm better off staying abroad for the next few years at least. So we started properly TTC this month. It is hard though thinking that I won't have any family or closest friends nearby other than my DH.

Whatever you choose, I'm wishing you all the best. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling broody - I'm sure you'll be a great mum smile

JazzyJade Mon 18-May-20 17:00:23

@Sparkles512 he’s the most typical man, but I wouldn’t pressure him obviously! I’d rather him be completely ready and if that means just a little extra savings then I think that’s okay. Plus Covid etc 😴

@Wolfgirrl that’s amazing!! I love that 🥰

@CaribouCarafe that definitely seems like very good logic! Being healthier is definitely something I want to be!
He definitely is excited but not ready.. he always asks about names and what he wants for his kids etc (he loves the name keith 🙄🙄 No offence to any keiths, but no😂)

I’d love to be married first but that’s down to him 😂 but if a baby comes first that isn’t planned then I’d be happy either way!

Someone who feels my pain about living away from family!! My mums always on her feet, loves doing things for people and is the type to come and clean your house without asking, she done it when she came to visit even though it was spotless.. obviously that’s not what I want her for 😂 but she’s a great help with anything and my brother and sister too.
Thank you for putting it into a bit of perspective for me! Definitely helped and Good luck on your journey, I hope it all goes amazing for you! smile

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