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I am very ready for a baby, my partner isn’t!

(6 Posts)
JRC93 Sun 26-Apr-20 15:36:10

I am new to this so sorry if I ramble!

I am 27 years old and my partner is 31. We have been together 4 years in June and we live together. Both have good jobs and are in a very financially stable position. We have currently have his mother living with us as we have been completely gutting and renovating her house (which has lasted 3 years but that’s a whole other story! blush). Her house is about 4-5 weeks off of being completed and I feel that is the only obstacle that we can say complicates our life at the moment.

When we first got together I made it know I want a family and it’s all I have ever wanted and for me I wanted this by 26 ( my mum died when I was 26 and for some weird reason this is my benchmark of things I wanted to achieve by then as it made me think how short life can be!). I have spoken about it and checked in throughout the last 2/2.5 years of our relationship to see where he is at and he hasn’t been able to tell me a timeframe or a reason why.

I am at the point when it’s all I can think about, I get a bit teary a couple of times a day about it (I think this whole isolation thing is making it worse as it has made the hole in my life I have tried to cover more visible and also watching everyone else enjoying family time!). I struggle to talk to my family about it as they are gossip central and they will make my partner out to be a bad person and my friends don’t understand.

I am at a cross road now where if I stay in this relationship, I am unhappy and don’t know when I will be able to fill this hole in my life but if I leave I have lost the person I envisaged spending the rest of my life with and also I do not know if I will find someone who I want to start a family with!

Has anyone been through this or has anyone got any advice for this situation as it is consuming my mind constantly!

Thanks in advance! smile

OP’s posts: |
MGee123 Sun 26-Apr-20 16:47:08

I haven't, but if I'm honest I don't think anyone should contemplate having a baby if you aren't both committed to it (certainly not on purpose anyway!). It sounds like you need to have another talk with him, be completely honest and go from there. If he doesn't want to have children (now or ever) it isn't fair to force him or trick/cajole him into it. It might just mean this isn't the relationship for you. You are young and have plenty of time, so at the same time I would also evaluate where you are in your life and whether waiting a few years so you're both ready would be such a bad thing? Perhaps there could be other things you could focus on for a while? Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

Beau20 Sun 26-Apr-20 16:57:30

Hey! I didn't want to read and run...

I think you need to have a serious chat with your partner about how you feel. You need to explain to him how important having a family is to you and that if he doesn't think it's something he wants, then he needs to be honest with you and you need to explain that in that case, you probably need to move on - that is if having a family really is the be all and end all to you.

Now this is the harsh part... so in reality, you are still both very young and in the early-Ish stages of your relationship. I'm not at all saying there is anything wrong with having a family young, or starting a family after being together a short time. BUT, for some people, they may feel like this is quite soon - I imagine this is how your partner feels. You've been asking him about a family since just over 2 years into your relationship - have you always constantly asked/talked about it or have you just mentioned it once or twice?

Coming from someone who has been with the partner for over 6 years and living together for 4 of those (I am 28 he is 30) and wanting a baby, sometimes you can both be at different levels. I wanted to have a baby by 25 and have 2 before I was 30. It has taken me A WHOLE YEAR to chill my partner out about having a baby. My partner long wanted a family before me but when it actually comes to it, he is terrified. Men (not all however) are not maternal like we are. I also nagged my parter solid for 6 months - realised this was getting me nowhere! Your partner will tel you when he's ready, he knows you want a family and sadly maybe you just have to wait for him to be on the same level as you.

You have still got so much tome ahead of you! Your relationship is still so young, as are you both. Try to relax about the time scales/milestones at a certain age because all they do is put extra stress on you. A serious conversation with your partner will hell you figure out where he is and where you are. All you need to do is tell him once you want a baby, explain to him that you are ready when he is and let him want it in his own time. He will appreciate you not putting any pressure on him - talk to him. Good luck and I hope it works out for you soon because I know how awful it is wanting a baby and not having one! X

CorianderLord Sun 26-Apr-20 17:40:03

Gosh I wouldn't be ready for a baby at his age either, and you've only been together four years. You're not protected by marriage either.

Like Pp said you need to have an open and honest chat and accept that if he doesn't want a baby yet that's his choice and you need to either wait or leave.

CorianderLord Sun 26-Apr-20 17:40:45

Oh sorry I thought he was 27. Proper chat needed but yeah he's of a normal age.

userabcname Sun 26-Apr-20 18:03:23

Sounds to me like he doesn't want kids but doesn't have the balls to say it. I'd have a very frank discussion with him and explain that this is a dealbreaker. If it were me, I'd want to be trying by 30 and if he wasn't ready by then I'd leave. I also checked in early on with DH about his viewpoint on marriage/kids. I think it's fair enough if you know that's what you want. Luckily we were on the same page and he would have started having kids before I felt ready so I definitely don't think it's a man thing to want to delay- it's down to individuals. We set our deadline for 30 and decided we wanted to be married and have children by then, and we did. It's all good and well saying you have time but actually, as a woman, you don't have endless years of fertility and it is something you need to plan if you want a child.

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