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14dpo, AF due but not here, BFN...fed up

(8 Posts)
croissantmonster Fri 21-Feb-20 18:51:06

Hi everyone!
Just looking for some validation if I'm totally honest.
Been TTC for 7 cycles, and I am finding it hard. I have one sister who conceived first time with both kids and my two closest friends had surprise babies. I appreciate it's not an very even mix, and I try not to compare...
I'm due AF today but she's not here, just pale spotting (which I get 2 days before AF usually) but have just got a late afternoon BFN on a 10miu IC.
I'm tired of it, I KNOW it's not even that far into the journey but I'm so sick to death of having to pretend that it's not gutting every month.
I confided in my sister, said I was anxious it might not happen for a really long time, or that it'll become a 'problem' in my marriage and she replied: yeah, it could take ages. That's it. No empathy, I don't want sympathy but is it so much to say 'I've never experienced that but I imagine it's stressful' or even something bland but at least hearing me?
One of the few friends I've shared with suggested I want it too much and it's my 'mind causing it to not happen'.
Can someone please tell me it's okay to be sad when it's a BFN? It's okay to be disappointed and also optimistic at the same time? I'm tired of this attitude of 'it's not a big deal' when it is for the person who so badly wants it.
So I'm expecting AF, and expecting to walk around with a big old fake smile on for a few days lest I bother someone with my disappointment hmm

OP’s posts: |
iswhois Fri 21-Feb-20 20:14:34

Hi OP, you are not alone!! I have been trying for same amount as you and to be honest this month found it really hard. Like you I know many people who got pg by accident or surprise or 1st month trying.

This month my AF was a week late, but came on this morning. I didn't have high hopes as kept getting BFN but I did have a cry about it this evening.

All of the "relax and it will happen" stuff gets on my nerves, it comes down to sperm meeting egg and implanting.

Of course it's ok to feel upset and not optimistic. I am by nature a very highly strung person so find it impossible to not become emotionally invested in this. Generally the people who say otherwise are the people who didn't have problems.

Allow yourself to have a cry and a moan every month if you want.

iswhois Fri 21-Feb-20 20:15:43

And you can always come on here to vent if you have no one IRL to talk to!!!!! AF is the enemy on here

croissantmonster Fri 21-Feb-20 20:31:24

@iswhois thank you so so much. I’m sorry AF arrived for you, it’s shit.
I’m also quite highly strung, but also super positive most of the time! I just hate it when I feel like I’m being dismissed so much.
Relax and it’ll happen can do one 😂 it’s the actual worst advice ever, it’s like telling an angry person to calm down.
I already feel better just for talking to someone that’s not ramming ‘chin up’ down my neck smile thank you! I really really hope March is our month

OP’s posts: |
Twitchett22 Fri 21-Feb-20 20:44:11

@croissantmonster you are absolutely in the right place! Last month when AF arrived I spent the whole day inconsolable. Didn't tell DP I'd been crying because I don't think men get it at all.
I asked DP last night if he'd be upset if I wasn't pregnant this month and he said 'no why would I be upset' ?!? They just see it as 'it will happen when it happens' whereas we're the one's obsessed in symptoms and our body and making sure we DTD on time.
It's gutting getting AF. Really gutting. Give yourself time to cry or be angry then move on to the next month. Fingers crossed it will happen soon for you. Make good use of Mumsnet in the meantime, it's the perfect place to let off steam 🙃

paintfairy Fri 21-Feb-20 20:48:14

Stress likely won't help. And fixating will make it seem like it's taking longer than it is.

However, it's not as easy as just pushing an off button. You can pretend you won't be disappointed when AF arrives, but it would be impossible not to! I actually cried last month. And I've not been trying long. But we are women and hormonal.

Obviously anyone that got pregnant instantly won't understand it. I think if everyone took at least a few months, they'd know what it was like to feel that feeling and be more thoughtful. It doesn't take much to at least listen and pretend to care. Yes it could take ages. Yes it can cause marriage problems (only if you let it though) but having it talked through with you is all you need sometimes. MN is definitely useful and at least you can be anonymous. 😊

croissantmonster Fri 21-Feb-20 21:24:44

Thanks guys ❤️ @Twitchett22 @paintfairy
Totally understand on the DH front, I have a bit of different scenario in that it really upsets him too...he’s wants it just as much and I suppose has even less of a feeling of control than I do. He asked if we could limit talking about it (maybe just a little update once a week) as he finds it easier to just switch it off altogether (some kind of witchcraft). But leaves me feeling a bit like I have this thing I’m not allowed to acknowledge for fear of being told ‘it’s no biggy’/upsetting him.
Agreed sometimes you just need to let the whinge out and it all feels bit more normal.
Thanks for the support star really do appreciate it.

OP’s posts: |
iswhois Fri 21-Feb-20 22:26:50

You're welcome! It does help to speak to people who get it

I'm going to give myself the weekend to drink and cry and then try and get it together again next week. For all we know March could very well be it!!!

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