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Negative Test Rant

(7 Posts)
7yearsofparenting Tue 11-Feb-20 20:47:32

I sit here, as a 36-year-old woman, with a bag of Minstrels gone and most of a bottle of wine, googling, “How to get pregnant?” This is what you do, what you do when you hear the ticking. I thought it was a myth, but it isn’t. It’s onlybeen 9 months off the mini pill and every time we have an unsuccessful month, I feel closer to a dry vagina and rotten eggs.

And can I confess, we started out not trying….apparently. We were doing the jack shit method (no protection). I was sick of taking the pill, and we’ve decided that no method was needed.

At first it was like, wow, this is working, we are obviously passed it and don’tneed to worry. However then I was like, well what’s wrong with me, why is this not working?

So I did it, I googled how to get pregnant (even though I know about ovulation window etc from when I get my son 7 years ago). The NHS was one of the first sites (of course), I read and was pleasantly surprised the advice wasn’t to call111 like it usually is. BUT then I read it (it looked so laid back how it was written and a bit of an afterthought), “If you want to get pregnant, having sex every 2 to 3 days throughout the month will give youthe best chance.” What the F**K? a DAY? Surely it’s a missed print, I must inform the NHS! I’ve looked on this web page and it won’t be reviewed until 21stOctober2020, that’s a lot of sex, for a lot of people!! We must savepeople of the stressed of fitting to the schedule of sex 2 to 3 times a day. We are not talking about a meal plan here, how the hell to do fit this in (kids or no kids!)?

As I’m writing this, I’m realising the wise advice I have had from a young child, which I have always followed. I was taught to save money, I lived by the strict rule of 20% of net pay, so whatabout we save sperm, I think 20% is pretty reasonable. Hello! People are doing this already; it’s called a sperm bank for a reason!!

So ladies, lets defrost the freezer and make room for a shelf of sperm. I haven’t thought about how to defrost it yet, that would be a brain freeze straight from the freezer! I’m sure leaveout at room temperature for 12 hours should do the trick.
I spent a fortune on a top of the range turkey basin which I only use once a year. I buy the best, because it’s Christmas, why not fish it out the draw and get multiple use out of it?

So there is my dragon den’s pitch. Bank up the sperm to lower the need of sex every day. The only investment needed is from your male partner, who is with me?

And what a story to tell at your Christmas lunch, if any of your family members piss you off, let them know about your dragon’s den idea and look forward to more turkey for you!

OP’s posts: |
MimiArm Tue 11-Feb-20 22:01:40

@7yearsofparenting Haha, didn't want to read and run but your post just cheered me up (from the get go with the bag of minstrels lol)! 😊

bitheby Tue 11-Feb-20 22:12:08

I think you should put the wine down. Every two to three days isn't the same as two to three times per day.

It's stupid advice anyway as we can only conceive in the fertile window but maybe they think we're all too thick to understand that.

Bezalelle Tue 11-Feb-20 22:50:47

What are you on about??

GoldLeafTree Tue 11-Feb-20 23:35:40

OP it's every 2 to 3 days, not 2 to 3 times a day.

paintfairy Wed 12-Feb-20 08:09:26

2 to 3 days is a lot though? I have no stupid working hours, no kids tiring me out already and I'm wondering how everyone else does it. Because to schedule it in still isn't that easy. You don't feel like it or are tired etc. I take my hat off to anyone with a busy life.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I already know when my fertile period is (assuming this isn't a myth) and so haven't wasted precious energy. But I know people that struggle with it or people with issues. I know someone who has been told by the nhs to do every 2 days and her cycles are irregular. Therefore placing this window at being 3 weeks long! I was like- no one can sustain that? It's insane.

Anyway- years ago people couldn't know about their fertile window. They just managed to have random sex and produce a baby. Little problem. So why now are we all able to pinpoint it and yet constantly fail to get pregnant, I do not know?

@7yearsofparenting I too am old. Never was that bothered about kids earlier in life. Neither was I ever really in thr right relationship. Completely understand about the ticking! Its getting loud.

bobbypinseverywhere Wed 12-Feb-20 08:31:14

Completely agree how mad the process makes you! Just a thought I guess - the NHS recommends it’s over the whole month incase people get their dates wrong for the fertile period. The month we conceived was actually the only month we DTD several times after ovulation - Out of the fertile window- we were dealing with male factor infertility and I swear his swimmers just couldn’t get that far and needed the egg closer 😂

The sperm meets eggs plan is good but really brutal!!

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