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Choosing the sex of your child in the UK - I know this is a weird question but would appreciate genuine answers

(45 Posts)
anxiousandnervous Thu 30-Jan-20 19:52:14

Can anyone tell me how I might go about trying to choose the sex of any children I might have in the future? I know it's not supposed to be legally available here but I read something somewhere suggesting it might be possible by going through IVF and having any embryos tested for genetic abnormalities etc. The article said that once you have identified viable embryos there's nothing stopping you from choosing one of the sex you would prefer. Does anyone know if that's true?

Or could I go abroad with eggs I've frozen in this country (I did 2 rounds this year as I'm still single and in my late 30s). I'm thinking I might have to freeze eggs abroad for this to be possible?

Essentially, I'm not naturally good looking and I get a lot of abuse in my day to day life when I go out without makeup on. I find it very upsetting and have never really fully come to terms with it. But strangely I seem to be ugly in all the ways that can be fixed with makeup. It takes hours and hours to do but when I do my makeup like I've learnt to (I've studied the art of creating many optical illusions to make my face look less odd - I can change the proportions of my features) I don't get any abuse or nastiness from anyone. But I'm terrified of having a boy who ends up looking a bit like me and can't do anything about it so is just subject to awful nastiness and abuse his whole life. I am keen to do what I can to have a girl, so if she ends up looking as awful as I do she has some hope of finding a partner of her own one day and escaping from all the abuse that society throws at ugly people.

I'm also terrified of autism and know that boys are much more likely to be affected.

Not sure if this is the best location for this post but open to moving it if anyone thinks it would be better elsewhere.

Please be gentle. I know I'm selfish to be considering having children at all when this might be their life and I also know that they may look nothing like me and be blessed with good looks and all the good stuff that comes with them. But I would really like a family of my own and I want to do what I can to make sure my children have a decent chance in life.

OP’s posts: |
CherryPavlova Thu 30-Jan-20 19:54:24

Gender selection for non medical reasons is illegal.
Termination on grounds of sex is illegal.

latheritup Thu 30-Jan-20 19:56:45


Reginabambina Thu 30-Jan-20 20:00:30

Surely you’d be better off using donor eggs?

74NewStreet Thu 30-Jan-20 20:02:32

What an incredibly odd post

anxiousandnervous Thu 30-Jan-20 20:07:03

Why is it odd to not want your children to go through life having abuse shouted at them by strangers? I get that most people don't have to seriously consider issues like this but I do and I just want a family with kids who have a shot at happiness.

OP’s posts: |
wheretoyougonow Thu 30-Jan-20 20:07:10

Please don't have a baby. You have too many issues to resolve first. One of my family members was born with a very noticeable birthmark. How the hell would you 'cope' with that situation. Get counselling for yourself before you try and conceive a 'perfect' baby who will almost undoubtedly end up with image issues if you don't sort it out first.
Sorry to be harsh but you have to know your thinking is not ok.
I hope you do it for your own happiness.

HermioneWeasley Thu 30-Jan-20 20:09:57

Agree with others saying you’ve got a lot to work out before you have kids.

Ginger1982 Thu 30-Jan-20 20:13:31

"Why is it odd to not want your children to go through life having abuse shouted at them by strangers?"

It's not off but choosing the sex isn't going to potentially make any difference. You could have a very handsome son or a beautiful daughter or vice versa. They will be half their father too. Your plan seems a bit extreme. I think you need to work on yourself before having kids when you're obsessed with looks.

anxiousandnervous Thu 30-Jan-20 20:19:02

I'm not obsessed with my looks. I accept how I look. It's the abuse I get from strangers that I find very difficult and I think that's normal. If you were getting abuse shouted at you for something you couldn't help I very much doubt you could guarantee it wouldn't affect you. We don't tell people who are subject to abuse on account of their race, religion or sexuality that they have a lot of work to do and need to get counselling. We accept that it's shitty being subject to the abuse and accept that it will be upsetting for them while also hoping that they can live with it if they can't stop it. I can live with it too but can't stop it and would like to have a child who doesn't have to learn to live with it. I'm not looking for a perfect baby. Just one that won't be subject to nastiness every time they leave the house.

OP’s posts: |
StealthMama Thu 30-Jan-20 20:22:16

*what I can to make sure my children have a decent chance in life.*

Omg so much wrong with your post.

Hmm. So we'd probably need to start by having a mother that can give unconditional love and accept their children's imperfections.

Being a boy is not better than being a girl no matter what your mother looks like.

Autism is one of several Thousand conditions that can effect a baby.

You are very naive.

74NewStreet Thu 30-Jan-20 20:22:56

Do you have an actual disfigurement, op? It’s kind of hard to believe you get routinely abused by random strangers because of your looks, but it can be completely fixed by the right makeup...

Ginger1982 Thu 30-Jan-20 20:22:55

"I'm not looking for a perfect baby. Just one that won't be subject to nastiness every time they leave the house."

But picking a girl over a boy isn't going to guarantee that.

74NewStreet Thu 30-Jan-20 20:23:32

Nastiness every time you leave the house confused. Seriously?

Ginger1982 Thu 30-Jan-20 20:24:35

And choosing a girl over a boy because of a fear of autism is weird. You do have issues to work through.

GeePipe Thu 30-Jan-20 20:25:39

You should speak to a therapist before having children. You know this isnt right. And if you had a girl who looks like you do you really think its ok to teach her to hide her appearance and think that wont affect her mentally?

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 30-Jan-20 20:25:58

Please don't have a baby. You have too many issues to resolve first.

This in buckets.

Whynosnowyet Thu 30-Jan-20 20:26:11

Given your anxiety please don't have dc..
Budgies are nice.
You can discuss your issues with it...

misspiggy19 Thu 30-Jan-20 20:26:24

*Please don't have a baby. You have too many issues to resolve first.*

^This. Ask yourself why you seem to always attract nastiness......

GeePipe Thu 30-Jan-20 20:32:52

Also considering yourself unattractive isnt the same as someone suffering racism. Racism isnt subjective whereas being attractive/unattractive is subjective to each individual otherwise we would all fancy our friends and their partners but we dont. We are selective. No one is that ugly they are constantly abused by strangers for it. Believe me i was badly abused growing up and my looks were always mentioned as im not attractive however im certainly not a gargoyle. You can't push these views on a child you just can't thats abusive. You need to work on yourself before you ever entertain the idea of children. And yes its illegal to select the sex even in ivf. Also i dont think you are just granted testing of the embryos for gender purposes.

charlesthekudu Thu 30-Jan-20 20:33:10

What about if you have a girl and she doesn't want to spend hours doing her make up?

SapphosRock Thu 30-Jan-20 20:36:14

To actually answer your question it is possible in other countries to test the chromosomes in embryos resulting from IVF. Illegal in the UK.

Agree with other posters you need to work on your issues before considering having a baby.

BlueEyedFloozy Thu 30-Jan-20 20:39:08

Agree with others - it wouldn't be good for you or a child for you to conceive right now.

You need therapy to try and sort out your hang ups first or you will just pass those same insecurities on to them. Regardless of how good they might look they could well end up emotionally damaged as a result of this which leaves them in a more vulnerable state.

As for your comments regarding Autism - well, yes. Statically girls are "less" likely to be born with it but the numbers aren't small. I work with people with a whole range of disabilities and a fair number of them are female - quite a few of those have Autism too. There are no guarantees based on genitals!

OldHarrysGameboy Thu 30-Jan-20 20:42:54

Agree with pps that yes you can do this in other countries. However, that isn't really your issue, is it? Your issue is to do with what you think of your own appearance. You've even spent more time writing about it on this thread than you have spent writing about your possible children. I would seriously look into dealing with that rather than thinking that something which weighs on you so heavily will be sorted by embryo selection.

Booberella9 Thu 30-Jan-20 20:49:55

Please get help for your mental health, none of what you have written is healthy. Even if you are ugly you would be better off accepting it and moving forward with your life. And I doubt you really are. Just think of all the people you walk past on the street who say NOTHING to you. There are way more people NOT looking at you than there are the few making horrible comments. Please see a counsellor and tell then what you wrote here.

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