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TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

(266 Posts)
ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 15:07:21

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

BunnytheBlueWhale Wed 22-Jan-20 22:14:05

@lunamoon1 I’ve been on this week, thanks. I might have mentioned I was feeling almost like I had PMT for a few days but have been better this week and been busy with work. Working from home tomorrow so that’s a bit more of a relaxed day. Trying to be better with healthy eating and exercise and I’m doing ok but not amazingly 😬 Where did you go? That’s a lovely thing to do. As you say January is a bit depressing as it is so probably a good time for a break x

lunamoon1 Wed 22-Jan-20 20:18:36

Hi @BunnytheBlueWhale been doing okay thank you! Just getting by really. Jan isn't the kindest month for anyone I guess. My DH & I did go away at the weekend though which was lovely. How about you, how are you doing?

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 21-Jan-20 21:27:23

How are you doing @lunamoon1?

Hope everyone else is ok

lunamoon1 Sat 18-Jan-20 09:00:13

@Shefliesonherownwings lovely thank you I'll have a little read! bless you, it's so hard sometimes. Hope you're feeling a bit better today. I was struggling yesterday & Thursday more so than usual, not because of any particular dates but just because it's bloody hard sometimes! I still struggle to accept the fact I'll never see my DS again. It's such a foreign concept so grasp, someone you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with is gone forever... before you even get the chance to properly meet them... sorry that's a little deep for a Saturday morning!

Hope you both have a lovely weekend planned, god knows we deserve it!

BunnytheBlueWhale Fri 17-Jan-20 18:48:15

@lunamoon1 I haven’t tracked last month and this month and have felt a bit better for it so see how you feel. It’s so easy to spend money on tests and then I used to get stressed in a morning if I peed before I’d texted 😂🙈

BunnytheBlueWhale Fri 17-Jan-20 18:47:06

@Shefliesonherownwings I want to focus on our DD’s birthday rather than the day she died but that whole period is so filled with emotion. I think re tracking I felt the same but i think you might find you want to keep tracking. It’s really up to you. To start with I tracked with One Step OPKs and CB Connect (the one with the app) and I wanted to know when I ovulate but actually it’s usually quite easy to work that out if you just want an idea. It’s usually 14 says from the end of your cycle. Also I found that I became more aware of my cervical mucus (sorry for the tmi) without thinking about it so would have a general idea of when I ov. I’m not tracking atm but I might go back to it if I’m still TTC in a few months.

@lunamoon1 I will link the thread here. I struggled today to be honest. I feel like I’ve got PMT but I haven’t! It can only be tiredness or generally being a bit emotional about our DD but I think tiredness mainly. DH even asked if I could be pregnant as I’m so emotional and I said no, I had a period a week ago!

lunamoon1 Fri 17-Jan-20 18:19:11

@BunnytheBlueWhale that's a lovely idea, where is the thread? I have seriously overtracked this cycle and it's lead to lots of frustration, I really wish I hadn't bothered. Next month I'm going to take a much more relaxed approach (if we don't succeed this cycle)

@Shefliesonherownwings I think it's good to have an idea of when you're ovulating, even just keeping track of your CM can give you a good indication as to when you're about to ov, so maybe you could just do that? It's so difficult trying to find the right balance!

Shefliesonherownwings Thu 16-Jan-20 16:40:33

Hi all, I really really like the idea of buying balloons for our babies birthdays. I can't remember who said it but I agree that I want 10th November to be Isla's birthday, not the anniversary of her death. Whatever happens I think we should just all do whatever we want, celebrating our babies in OUR way.

Sorry you're having a rough time @sh84. Listing what we are grateful for is a good idea. Although to be completely honest I am struggling right now to think of many things to be grateful for.

I am now on CD 7 and am wondering whether to track ovulation or not. We're not officially trying this month but I was thinking of tracking to get an idea of when I am ovulating for when we to start TTCing. But then I worry if I track this month I'll get worked up about it and I won't be relaxed about DTD. I want to give my body another month to recover and I want to keep on with the healthy eating and exercise so I catching this month is not really what I want although if it did happen of course i'd be happy. I am really torn about what to do.

BunnytheBlueWhale Thu 16-Jan-20 16:16:32

@sh84 My way of dealing with this is to keep trying but not track etc so I’m not obsessing. All I’m doing is trying to have sex in the middle of my cycle and otherwise focussing on work, food and fitness and trying to make time to do things I enjoy. How do you think you’d feel if you don’t go on the pill but don’t put any energy into TTC. Just see what happens? I know it’s difficult, month after month xx

sh84 Thu 16-Jan-20 12:29:45

I always fall asleep listing what I’m grateful for. Really starting to lose hope in ever being pregnant again though. I don’t know how much longer I can do this every month, scheduling sex, stressing that I’ve missed it, feeling hopeful that it may have happened, then af arrives & all hope is gone again & repeat. Sometimes I think I should just be satisfied with what I’ve got & start taking the pill to stop me feeling like this

BunnytheBlueWhale Thu 16-Jan-20 08:24:22

I get it @sh84 It feels like it should be our time for something to be easy and go right! I

Me too @lunamoon1 I started another thread actually, a gratitude thread, to pick some ring every day that I’m grateful for and that’s quite nice as other people have commented too and it’s a bit of an alternative to a gratitude journal

lunamoon1 Wed 15-Jan-20 23:30:53

@sh84 my son's birthday is August too, I'll be getting a balloon too I think, love the idea! I'm sorry AF got you, it's so disheartening that on top of everything I guess being postpartum does mess with our bodies/cycles! I wish there was a way to make you feel less down about it, it's horrible not having faith in your body, you will trust again though. Be gentle on yourself💐

@BunnytheBlueWhale you're right, it is, I do try so hard to be positive every day though, even just in small ways

sh84 Wed 15-Jan-20 22:49:01

@BunnytheBlueWhale mine have been spot on since September, so frustrating that yet another spanner has been thrown in the works. I thought I was in with a chance this month as DTD twice on predicted ovulation day which I now know was a week too late

BunnytheBlueWhale Wed 15-Jan-20 18:22:42

I’m sorry to hear that @sh84 My cycles are less regular since I had my DD but hopefully it will calm down and hopefully won’t make TTC more difficult

sh84 Wed 15-Jan-20 17:54:57

@lunamoon1 it’s not until August but I know that’s what I want to do.
@BunnytheBlueWhale well my rainbow isn’t happening this month, come on today, a whole week early, never been a week early in my life, my body has failed me once again, haven’t got a clue about future cycles now. Don’t know how much longer I can do this tbh

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 14-Jan-20 17:09:13

@lunamoon1 It is just so easy to think the worst after something awful happens!

lunamoon1 Tue 14-Jan-20 16:31:49

@BunnytheBlueWhale absolutely, just because when people look at us they don't see a stereotypical 'bereaved mother' doesn't mean we have in any way 'moved on' or 'gotten over' it, and that's the part I struggle with, that people will assume once we get our rainbow babies that it makes it all okay, which it doesn't, we will all always have a member of the family missing from around the dinner table, it's just that we learnt to cope with it in our own ways. I totally get the irrational feeling, baby loss at any stage will do that to you, it takes away hope sadly! but on my more positive days I genuinely believe we will get there & be able to bring home a sibling for our DS. It's funny that if I had never lost my DS & we were TTC no. 2 I would never question my fertility but because we lost our son neonatally I'm all of a sudden questioning my capabilities to conceive ever again?! It's madness what your brain does to you.

@sh84 secret toilet crying got me through too, but I must admit there were moments I really enjoyed myself & I really wasn't expecting to. I love the idea of balloons and cards, I think I will be doing that for my husband! They deserve it so much, after all they had been through, their little lives deserve to be celebrated so much! when is your DS's birthday?

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 14-Jan-20 11:40:18

@sh84 I know. We get it. Unfortunately those who haven’t been through something like this don’t understand, don’t know what to say and sometimes don’t acknowledge our beautiful babies. I have my fingers crossed for you for your rainbow baby 🌈

sh84 Tue 14-Jan-20 11:16:57

@BunnytheBlueWhale exactly, I just think he didn’t get balloons to welcome him home from hospital, the only flowers & cards we got were sympathy cards & funeral flowers. Although it kills me that’s he’s not here I want to celebrate him because I’m so proud of him, I don’t love him any differently because he’s not here so I’m going to do the little things I can on his birthday, he’ll have a card, he’ll have balloons, he’ll have flowers & hopefully he’ll have a little brother or sister inside me

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 14-Jan-20 10:48:28

@sh84 You are so right. I thought I might get the balloons and let them off. I don’t know if I’d want a party but I want to do something. She’s my daughter and she will always be. I want to celebrate her too. Just to go shopping and pick a cuddly toy for her as I would if she were here.

sh84 Tue 14-Jan-20 09:29:30

We’re going to tie happy birthday messages to the balloons & let them go, people might look at us & think that’s weird letting off a bunch of balloons but I really don’t care. You do whatever you want to do, if I’ve learnt one thing about this process is you have to do what you want/need to do. A friend of mine lost her baby & she had a big 1st party & although it was heartbreaking it was a lovely day for all the children & parents who had met through baby loss. Do whatever you want, buy a balloon, buy a card, buy flowers, buy a present, who cares if it’s “normal” I don’t think any of this is normal

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 14-Jan-20 09:08:50

@sh84 I’m sorry you found Christmas so difficult. I think I would have struggled more if we hadn’t gone away. You’re right about the balloons. I think the same to be honest although I know when my DH will probably think it’s weird!

sh84 Tue 14-Jan-20 08:58:52

@lunamoon1 I just about managed to get through Christmas, I felt awful but didn’t want to bring anyone else down. I was just thinking I should have a new baby now, he shouldn’t be sitting there in his urn. As soon as I finished my dinner I just thought thank god it’s over. There was a lot of secret toilet crying.
@BunnytheBlueWhale I will absolutely be getting balloons on his first birthday, I want his birthday to be seen as his birthday not the anniversary of his death. I just think he didn’t get balloons when he was born so he’ll be getting his birthday balloons. If the person in the shop asks I’ll say they’re for my baby, if they dig for info I’ll say he died, yes it will make the them feel uncomfortable & stop the conversation but I don’t care, it’s not my responsibility to stop how others feel because baby loss isn’t openly spoken about in society

BunnytheBlueWhale Tue 14-Jan-20 08:33:48

@Shefliesonherownwings I will have a look at the link. I wonder if I was feeling a bit shit the last couple of days because it’s coming up to a year although I have times like that anyway. Maybe always will.

@lunamoon1 Well yes and I get people don’t know what to say and it’s awkward but those I hadn’t seen for a year could have made a bit more effort to come and speak to me and ask how I am even if they don’t want to mention Ruby. Do you know what I mean? Apparently MIL told DH in the phone yesterday that everyone commented on how well I was looking. I said “you mean because I was chatting and laughing I wasn’t the grieving mother they were expecting?” He said yes I think that’s what she meant. We were at DH’s man’s place as everyone happened to be there at the same time and genuinely I went to greet everyone and give them a hug etc. It just annoys me a bit. I hope MIL does remember. That’s if they even come!

Yes I conceived fairly easily those times but I am convinced it will be harder now for us. Just seems like that’s how it goes. I know I’m being a bit irrational about it. Sounds like you conceived quickly too. I am hopefully for 2020!

I do feel better today, thanks.

lunamoon1 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:23:10

@BunnytheBlueWhale it's horrible feeling that heartbreak, nothing can ease it sadly and it's just about riding the waves of emotions. I hope after a good sleep you felt a bit brighter. Sometimes it just hits extra hard, and I feel like if you haven't had a good cry in a while it just needs to come out. I know I am fed up with making excuses for others because they don't know what to say or because it's awkward, at the end of the day it's nothing in comparison to what we have to face every day. That's good you have managed to conceive fairly easily each time and I so hope it is the same again for you, age is a funny thing sometimes it can have an impact but for others it doesn't seem to matter at all, and since you've conceived before I'm sure that will help in a positive way. It took us 4 months to conceive our DS, 3 months properly tracking, so I'm hoping we get a similar timeframe this time around too.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm glad your cycles seem to be settling back down quickly, but it is an extra slap in the face when they are heavy, I was curled up on the couch with a hot water bottle feeling sorry for myself when I got mine last, anything to take the edge off! I'm going to give that article a little read later, thank you for sharing.

@sh84 nice to have you back, agreed it was so difficult at times. did you manage to get through? me too, felt like a sigh of relief! I so hope this month is your month, and for all of us ladies here⭐️ 2020 I pray will bring us our babies, we so deserve it🙏🏼

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