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TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

(266 Posts)
ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 15:07:21

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

booandbumpp Sun 01-Dec-19 17:46:52

Hi! @lunamoon1 pointed me in the direction of this thread (thank you!) and I will take some time to read the previous posts but I wanted to say hello as I feel like I'm going mad recently.
My first born son, Teddy, died in March this year at 5 and a half months old. His birthday was October 14th.
My partner and I have recently started to ttc again. It's horrible. I wish it wasn't. I'm anxious every month - I'm terrified of a BFP & a BFN. But we both want a baby, we both want to be parents.
I'm on CD 26 - my cycles are usually 31 days. I'm fighting the urge to POAS. How does everyone cope with the anxiety and stress of the end of a cycle?!

ReeRi Sun 01-Dec-19 18:41:08

Hi @booandbumpp I’m pleased you found this thread but I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Teddy. I can’t imagine losing a child at 5 and a half months. If you want to talk about Teddy and how you lost him then feel free but we won’t pry. You are parents. You will always be Teddy’s parents but I understand feeling the need for another child when you lost your only one. My daughter was stillborn, she died the weekend that she was due, and I ache a little for another. I can never replace her but I really feel like a mother without a baby. I hope you find some comfort from speaking to others. I have found Sands to be a big help too

I have been TTC since April. I usually try not to POAS until AF is due but some cycles I have felt pregnant and then tested early. I am on CD29 (usually have 30 day cycles) and have had BFNs at days 25 and 27... I think the way I cope is to keep busy. I’m back at work and that really does help plus I try to plan things for each month so it’s not all about it the BFP so it could be a massage to seeing a show with a friend... I think it’s important to have things to look forward to x

booandbumpp Sun 01-Dec-19 20:05:35

@ReeRi I am sorry to hear about your daughter. What was her name?
Teddy had a heart condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. He lived all his life - except 3 days at home - in hospital. He had open heart surgery, and several cardiac catheters. In the end he had a heart attack going under GA for his second open heart surgery.
Yes - we will always be parents to teddy but I guess being parents to a child we get to take home and look after is the parenting we imagined when we got pregnant. It took us 18 months to get pregnant with Teddy. I have also had a MMC at 9 weeks 4 years ago.
It's just starting to feel like I'll never get to take a baby home and watch them grow up.

ReeRi Sun 01-Dec-19 20:48:32

Oh @booandbumpp that’s heartbreaking. Losing a baby like that feels shit to start with and you’d think we’d not draw the short straw when it comes to TTC! I have had a MC since losing my DD too which is not great. It was really early and nothing like losing my baby girl but still rubbish as I was happy to be pregnant again! I don’t want to post her name on here as I have been recognised on here before but happy to mention if we PM at any point as it’s not a secret obviously. You are right that being a parent with your only child having passed away is very different fo having children at home. Our daughter died from a cord accident. She was perfectly healthy but was squeezed by her cord at 39+6. She weighed what I weighed when I was born 6 lb 4. Really rubbish but hopefully 2020 brings some joy for us x

lunamoon1 Sun 01-Dec-19 22:07:27

@booandbumpp hi again, I'm glad you made your way over, and again so sorry about losing Teddy. It's an impossible thing to face, losing a child, yet here we all are battling through. We lost our son at 6 days old, he went for his life saving operation which went to plan but sadly on transferring him back to the NICU things started to go terribly wrong and he had a cardiac arrest they just couldn't bring him back from. He really was the most beautiful little baby I had ever seen, perfect in every way. It breaks my heart so much thinking about all of the 'just ifs' and picturing how life should be at the moment, sometimes there isn't an explanation for everything and just terrible things happen to good people!

@ReeRi what a lovely weight, I bet she was beautiful too, saying hello and goodbye in the same breath must have been so difficult on your heart. Hope you are coping okay in the TWW, will you test again or wait for AF? I think AF is round the corner for me & excepted those silly FRER tests must have been indents😣

ReeRi Mon 02-Dec-19 08:33:56

@lunamoon1 I hope they are not indents. Like I said before, it really feels so unfair that we all haven’t fallen pregnant again quickly and easily after what we’ve lost. But you know they say you’re not out until AF arrives! My AF is due tomorrow but I thought I might have ov late due to my CM so who knows. I don’t know if I’ll test again. I suppose it depends whether AF comes soon. I’m so emotional today. I watched something late night (won’t say what I’m cas I spoil it but you’ll know if you saw) where a boy died and was brought to his mum who held him and sang to him and then cremated him on a pyre and it made me cry my eyes out. I feel emotional today, like I could just cry for her, but I’m on the train to work so hopefully I’ll pull myself together...

I hope everyone else is ok today

Blippolbblopp Mon 02-Dec-19 10:08:41

Im sorry about your daughter ReeRi

I gave birth to my first baby at 25 weeks and he died 2 hours after he was born. He will be 7 in March and it still hurts. When i had my DS he had 2 boy cousins born in the following July and November, it was awful. One of the anomoly scans was the day after my DS's funeral, it was all so hard. Its been 7 years and im getting upset remembering how tough it all was

I was 21 when i had my baby, ill be 30 in the next 2 years and it still hurts and i still miss him

I had him on Mothers Day in 2013, it was horrible Mothers day has always been bitter sweet since because although the date changes, i gave birth on mothers day

I had 2 miscarriges after DS and fell pregnant with my DD 13 months after DS. I had an early scan with her as id had 3 losses in less than a year amd they told me i had PCOS. So i was even more worried of another miscarrige, but the pregnancy went well and DD will be 5 very soon

13 months after having DD i fell pregnant again. This time to another DS. I was paranoid the whole pregnancy, id convinced myself due to the PCOS that DD was my only, i was shocked that DS came along

I wasnt well throughout DS's pregnancy, i had prenatal depression and was so worried he was going to die. When he was born he was the absolute double of his brother, same nose, eyes, mouth dipped slightly, same shaped head, ( was induced with DS as he had stopped growing ) my brain couldnt take it, i kept accidently calling him by his brothers name to him and to others,

He looked exactly like his brother, my first son weighed 1lb 5oz and was 33cm long. My second son was 4lb 14oz and 29cm long. Looking back now i can see why my brain got confused

Its all so sad and i am so sorry to anyone who has to go through it. Because theres usually not any answers is there?

Having my DD healed me until my DS came along and it brought back bad memories,

Im so sorry about your daughter, the pain never goes away but you slowly learn to live with it, some days it is still overwhelming and others it is copeable

My DD has the same initials as her big brother and my DS has his brothers name as a middle name so that even though he's not here, hes still part of us all l, i know he is anyway, but this way they both have some sort of connection to him x

lunamoon1 Mon 02-Dec-19 12:14:06

@ReeRi bless you that sounds really tough, don't think I would have been strong enough to watch that, I hope you are feeling okay after it. Well, it turns out they were indents because AF arrived today, on the plus side my LP is back to being as long as it was before I had DS, but I am so mad with myself for caving & testing early & even more mad at the silly indents, coupled with the fact our son would have been 4 months old today, I'm feeling super emotional today too. When did you return to work after losing your daughter? It's been a thought of mind, but a scary one really. I'm glad it's helping you focus.

@Blippolbblopp I'm so sorry you lost your little boy, it's a terrible experience to have to go through. I'm glad you found heading in having your other children but it still much feel so raw sometimes still. I'm sure these feelings we are experiencing will never go away, we just learn how to cope with them in our own ways.

ReeRi Mon 02-Dec-19 13:47:43

@Blippolbblopp Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through so much and I’m pleased you got your rainbow baby. I think it will always hurt that our daughter isn’t here. I think about her all the time, I imagine her here with me sometimes or what she’s be doing and sometimes it makes me smile. We will always be connected with our children who are no longer here.

Oh the milestones are tough @lunamoon1 It is still feel early days. I’m sorry AF arrived for you. Don’t be too tough on yourself for testing early. It is hard not to sometimes. I had her in mid-Feb and went back to work at the end of August so it was about 6 months. It was good to go back actually as I do like work and it was a very good distraction. I think if you are thinking about it then that is a sign maybe that you might be ready soon. For me a big part of it was making that decision to go back and agreeing a date as I worried I might not feel ready or whatever but once I agreed the date I was looking forward to it. I actually found out I was pregnant just after I agreed to go back and then had my MC so that wasn’t ideal timing but it was v early and again maybe a good thing I had something else to focus on. Is your employer supportive? One thing that helped me was I knew they would be and that if I really struggled I could take the time off as sick or something.

LilacIris Mon 02-Dec-19 13:54:18

flowers to all of you.

I was in the same situation last year (the thread title was probably exactly the same) after my daughter died neonatally, and my previous pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage. I did go on to conceive again and now have a little baby. It doesn’t make my baby dying any less painful or unbearable but there is a huge comfort to be had in having another baby and I sincerely hope you all have that same comfort very soon.

ReeRi Mon 02-Dec-19 14:01:20

Thanks for sharing @LilacIris I’m pleased you were able to have your rainbow baby 🌈

Blippolbblopp Mon 02-Dec-19 15:39:35

lunamoon1 when i opened the thread i only read the OP's highlighted posts, i have read the full thread now and im sorry about your DS, i hope your get your bfp very soon

The pain never goes away does it, i have my 2 DC to focus on now, but when they wernt here i was so desperate for a baby i could keep, it consumed me

Its daft things like only setting out 2 bowls in the morning when there should be 3, only having 2 DC in the picture instead of 3, no your right it doesnt go away, you just learn to cope your best with it

ReeRi Yes you are right, we will always be connected to our babies. I know what you mean because i still do it, i always imagine what he would be doing now, who he would be. I hope your 2nd baby comes along very soon for you

I have been trying for my 4th Dc for nearly 2 years now and i am so grateful i have my 2DC because i remember feeling this urgency when i had no living babies, its horrible

I hope you both get your rainbow babies very soon x

lunamoon1 Tue 03-Dec-19 13:19:06

@ReeRi I guess you're right, at least I will know for next cycle and hopefully be able to keep back from the tests a few days longer. I think 6 months seems like a good amount of time, I'm going to leave it until the end of Jan and then see where my head is at then, too much with Christmas and the New Year to think of all that yet. I'm glad it ended up working out well for you. They are, well the team I work with are great they are so supportive and have told me to take as long as I need. It's daunting tho. How are you doing?🤞🏼

@LilacIris thank you for sharing your story, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter but glad you have a baby at home with you now. How long after losing your daughter did you conceive again, if you don't mind my asking?

@Blippolbblopp thank you so much, I can imagine, there's something about losing your first which is especially hard as life just seems to 'carry on' as before which is hard to deal with, I was preparing for it to change in so many wonderful ways, and it did, but not as I expected it & certainly not along with this heartache I now have. I hope your other DC bring you some comfort. Thank you!x

LilacIris Tue 03-Dec-19 13:29:34

@lunamoon1 It took almost three months for my period to return and then three further cycles for me to conceive again so in total it was five and a half months for the period at the start of the cycle where I conceived and six calendar months from her birth until I ovulated.

ReeRi Tue 03-Dec-19 14:38:36

I’m ok @lunamoon1 I have been testing since last Wednesday and had mostly BFNs but had a hint of a squinter last night on a cheap Boots test but the line was in a funny place (quite far to one side) so maybe a dodgy test. AF is due today altho I think I ovulated late. Going back to work in Jam is a good idea. Don’t rush anything. Will you go back full time or have a phased return? I went back with 36 days hol to use in 6 months so started off working four days weeks using annual leave on Wednesdays.

booandbumpp Tue 03-Dec-19 16:00:10

I caved and POAS yesterday (CD 27). BFN - but I could still convince myself if I squinted with one eyes shut I could see a shadow of a line (it was definitely a BFN). I'm a plonker and I've wasted £8 on FRER now ha. Never mind I guess.
I'm already writing off December. DP and I probably won't be in a very sexy mood as we're already quite sad at the thought of Christmas without teddy so I'm tapping out till the new year too.
Hope everyone else is ok x

ReeRi Tue 03-Dec-19 16:43:13

Oh it’s rubbish isn’t it @booandbumpp Could it be too early for you to test?

booandbumpp Tue 03-Dec-19 17:11:42

@ReeRi I think there should probably be a shimmer of a line - I used a FRER 4 days early. I didn't do it first thing in the AM though. It was a double pack so I will probably end up POAS on CD31 if AF doesn't appear before then!

lunamoon1 Tue 03-Dec-19 23:45:41

@LilacIris thank you for sharing, wishing you all the best.

@ReeRi it's so frustrating isn't it, hope you are feeling okay. I have looked back on the tests I took pics of as there was an almost definite line on 3 of the FRER's, so now thinking it was maybe a chemical as AF is heavier/more painful than usual, although I don't know if it's possible to have a chemical which barely shows on a test & then for AF to arrive to quickly after, either way it was not my month, don't know why I'm reading into it so much. I think I'd go back part time. That's good you managed to ease yourself back in. How are you finding full time work now?

@booandbumpp I'm with you on grudging the money spent on tests, the things we do to ourselves. You never know tho, don't lose all hope. Hope you manage to find some comfort over the Christmas period even in the little things.

ReeRi Wed 04-Dec-19 08:59:39

Me too @booandbumpp Could you have ovulated late? I don’t wa t to get your hopes up but I have also read FRERs can sometimes be dodgy so don’t give up hope!

DH and I can’t do the BD for a few weeks as hes just had his op so if I’m not pregnant this cycle then we will be taking the next cycle off TTC and eating and drinking what I want for Christmas!

@lunamoon1 I hope you’re ok. I think a positive is a positive but can MC at any time and it’s quite common in the early days, as rubbish as it is. I think if we didn’t test early we just wouldn’t know. With my CP in August I got an early positive and then it got darker but then a few days later I started cramping and bleeding but if I hadn’t tested I’d have thought it was slightly late AF although more crampy. Hope that makes sense. I like being back at work. I feel like my old self. I don’t like hearing people talking about their pregnant wife or seeing the pregnant lady walking around if I’m being very honest but I deal with it and it has been really good for me. I know everyone is different though. I always loved work so maybe that is part of it. I’m looking forward to the Christmas break to though even though I’ve decided I don’t want a traditional Christmas Day without my daughter. I’ve enjoyed gift shopping for my loved ones.

I’m so emotional. I don’t know if it christmas or my hormones or the fact my tooth hurts. Went to the dentist yesterday with toothache and i have an abscess and need a root canal. I’m booked in for 31 December 🙄👍

Hope everyone is ok

lunamoon1 Wed 04-Dec-19 23:20:12

@ReeRi I guess so, I heard bad things about FRER's throwing weird lines too so trying not to read into it too much! It does, it must have been so difficult to feel joy like that again for it to be taken away so quickly. I agree I find pregnant people so hard to deal with it just want to shout at them 'you might not get to bring your baby home!' which makes me sound a little mad but that's our reality I guess. Bless you, toothache is the hardest pain to manage sometimes, so sore, hope you are doing okay! Oh dear, it really just adds insult to injury.

I feel like the whole of December is going to be emotional. I'm in denial mode at the moment, I stared at a picture of my little boy today & I can't actually believe he was & is mine, in that state of feeling like I was never actually pregnant or had a baby, it's such a strange feeling. Hoping tomorrow it will be gone tho. The waves of grief I guess!

ReeRi Thu 05-Dec-19 08:32:26

@lunamoon1 My tooth isn’t too bad now actually. I think I did the right thing by goi to the dentist when I did as I’ve already been taking antibiotics and hopefully it is ok in a few days

I actually woke up in the night really unwell though not sure what that’s about. I had stomachache and backache and think I fainted in the bathroom! I wonder if it’s the antibiotics so will have to look up the side effects.

I feel like that often. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine I went through nine months of pregnancy and had a baby. It’s rubbish. What are your plans for Christmas?

lunamoon1 Thu 05-Dec-19 13:36:02

@ReeRi oh dear, that sounds rubbish! Lots of rest & fluids hopefully you'll be feeling better soon. Possibly if it's ones you haven't taken before, they can be so harsh. It's such an odd feeling, and I feel guilty for it in a way. So rubbish. We are just laying low going between DH's family & my own, nothing too much planned we just want to take it easy and do things when we feel up to it. Thankfully DH is off from around the 20th so will have a lot of time to spend together which I'm looking forward to. Do you have plans apart from Edinburgh?

ReeRi Fri 06-Dec-19 08:29:15

Thanks @lunamoon1 I was sure I replied on here yesterday but can’t see it now 🤔 I’m ok. It did me good to have a day at home yesterday and not have to do the daily commute at least. It’s my Christmas party tonight I don’t think I’ll be going but I am on my way to work.

I plan to see my parents and brother (who are local) maybe on the Sunday and then we may visit my husband’s family on the Saturday as they are a 2.5 hour drive away so it will probably still end up that we see everyone. In way now I feel I’ll miss seeing my parents on Christmas Day but we’ll probably just have dinner together another day... We are both off from 20th too and I go back on 6th...

In other news AF is four days late and I got another BFN on FRER today so not sure what’s going on there but it would have been positive by now if I was even a bit pregnant...

Hope everyone else is ok

lunamoon1 Mon 09-Dec-19 09:48:16

@ReeRi how are you feeling now? that's good you managed to get yourself back into work. I know I can understand it must be hard to want to be with your family but having to go to the in-laws, thankfully I'll be spending most of the day with my family, it's just a bit more comfortable. Did AF finally arrive for you? It's horrible being in limbo!

How is everyone else? Hope everyone had a good weekend

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