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TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

(269 Posts)
ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 15:07:21

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

ReeRi Sat 28-Sep-19 22:38:50

I’m so sorry you’re feeling low @Pandora71. These dates are always difficult. I often think how old our baby would be and I imagine her. I even sometimes invent little scenarios with DH like “Baby would be doing this and we’d be saying that” I think he finds it strange but I need to feel she is part of my life. There is nothing I can say but I’m here any time. I find some days it hits much harder than others.

Tazzle2007 Sun 29-Sep-19 07:40:46

Thankyou both. Still no period I think I’ll get a test today. Xxx

lunamoon1 Sun 29-Sep-19 10:14:21

@ReeRi thank you, I'm so sorry to you too. It's the crushing of all hopes and dreams and I totally get how some days it feels like you can handle it then others it's all consuming and feels like the end of the road. That's terrible for your 'friend' to do that. I know lots of people don't know what to say, but common sense should prevail not to bring up your pregnancy to a newly bereaved mother! Don't worry about feeling you are ranting, it's a safe group here and we all understand!

@Pandora71 I can't imagine the heartache of finding her the next day, I hope that is something you are able to work through, it's so hard to find peace with a situation when there are no answers at all, my heart goes out to you and your family. We got 6 days with him, which now are the most precious 6 days of my life, and his whole life so that's what important to me, that we were there every day and did everything we could! I agree about us being incredibly brave, it's something you certainly don't get any lessons on how to deal with it, but I feel we are doing so well.

Welcome @Tazzle2007, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter💐 FX for you testing today. Let us know how you get on.

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 13:19:05

Hi ladies, can I join?

I have stupidly started a similar thread, I didn't notice there's an existing active one already, sorry!

I'm just about to turn 33, I had a missed miscarriage followed by medical management nearly 4 months ago, at 10 weeks, no other children. I have slightly longer cycles since (37 days, 35 and now 37 again). I have started my TTC (trying to conceive) journey in the last two cycles, but no success yet.

I've been a part of a wonderful thread on MN with ladies who have been through a similar experience and we've been great support to each other. However, they have suffered their losses a bit earlier than me, and most of them are pregnant now and close to the second trimester or even further along. I'm not pregnant, and I didn't want to be the odd one out.

Today feels particularly rubbish, as my AF unexpectedly arrived yesterday, 3 days late, and after multiple pregnancy symptoms. It's like a fresh wave of grief of still not being pregnant hitting me all over again sad

Just wanted to talk. Sorry to hear about all your experiences, it's an unbelievable trauma to lose your baby. I am glad to see us back on the journey though xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 14:12:55

Good luck @Tazzle2007 We are here for you if you need

@lunamoon1 Thanks. The thing wit the pregnant friend is, when she told me, I replied and asked about her pregnancy and tried to let her know it’s not a reason to stay away. If anything I thought maybe I’d made it too clear I was annoyed she hadn’t been in touch. I even told her about my friend’s daughter who was born 3 weeks after mine and whom I see regularly. She replied once and then didn’t reply to my last messaged and I didn’t hear from her again for months and that’s when I texted her again saying I’m really disappointed she hasn’t been in touch. The thing is she didn’t even send a simple text to test the waters to find out if I wanted to hear from her or not.

Hi @MrsMGE So sorry for your loss. A good friend of mine had a MMC, I think she found out at her 12 week scan, and she found it a really tough time, understandably. She has a lovely almost one year old now!

I found my cycles have been irregular since I had my daughter. They are between 26-34 days, seem to be averaging around 29, but I don’t think it’s unusual. I know people have had much longer cycles after a loss.

I feel for you with AF. I have really bad PMT which means I feel much worse because of the hormones but it also means I’m probably not pregnant this month! The first cycle we tried again I had lots of pregnancy symptoms and then started spotting so thought it was implantation bleeding and it turned into AF. It’s so tough. I try to see it as another cycle is another cycle is another chance.

This is a safe place to talk and rant! x

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 14:40:12

Thanks @ReeRi for making me feel so welcome and for your kind words ❤️ I very much relate to what you've said.

I do think losing a baby at the final stage of pregnancy to stillbirth or later on, to neonatal death, are frankly the most excruciating experiences a human being can take. So I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for you, and I genuinely think, once you've been through something like this, even though no doubt it has changed you forever, nothing can break you going forward.

As for my experience, I was shocked because there were no symptoms, let down by the EPAU, had a very painful delivery with full on contractions (of which I was never told they might happen at 10 wks and didn't know what to do, I was only told it would be like a bad period - I have had bad periods for 19 years, it was nothing like that), being violently sick after misoprostol for 7 hrs straight etc, etc. I was then left to my own devices cause there is no medical aftercare following a miscarriage. No one checks anything or tells you why this happened, either. I then had to tell people in work and go on 2.5 weeks sick leave, as there is nothing guaranteed by law after the miscarriage. Overall, I felt neglected, alone and not taken seriously, and in combination with the shock and unexpectedly bad physical side of things, it took a massive toll on me. I felt traumatised frankly, and I'm a tough cookie.

But, I am now in a different place. I still think about it, but I didn't let it define me. I've internalised this trauma and grief thanks to acupuncture, talking a lot, and lots of self-care.

Now I'm facing this new challenge of TTC again, and I'm deeply upset that it's still not happening. I got pg very quickly the first time, and it's not the case now. Every single article I see in the press says you're likely to have better outcomes if you get pregnant within the first 6 months after the miscarriage. Then you read you are "more fertile" then. If only this was true! It simply isn't the case for everyone. And the emptiness is really unbearable now. My due date is in January and I am so scared of not being pregnant by then, I don't know how I'd even face this. Xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 14:56:49

Thanks @MrsMGE

It sounds like you had a really tough experience and we’re not treated very well. It’s so sad that these things are brushed under the carpet almost. Had you told many people you were pregnant by that stage?

I hope it doesn’t take long for you to fall pregnant. It is still early days but I do understand that urge to be pregnant now or even just have a healthy baby now. I fell pregnant on the fourth cycle after losing our baby girl but then that was an early miscarriage (less than 5 weeks) and this was the first cycle of trying again. I fell pregnant quite quickly with her too. I don’t know how long it took but we weren’t “actively” trying and I almost wasn’t expecting it (I wasn’t even taking folic acid yet but I don’t think that was a problem). So I’m kind of hoping it would happen within about four cycles again. Our daughter would have been one in February so I hope I’m pregnant by then too, which would be about six cycles, but who knows. This experience had taught me we can’t plan everything and we don’t know what the future holds.

I have heard a lot of women on here have found acupuncture helpful for fertility xx

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 15:14:49

@ReeRi I completely agree, there is hardly anything that us within our control when TTC and during pregnancy, it is very hard. It seems it's a lottery, isn't it. Very hard to accept that it's your own body and yet there's so little you can do.

I really hope you get pregnant again quickly. I've done lots of research and learnt a lot from the ladies on the previous thread too re TTC-related issues and tips, very happy to share as and when needed. I'm sure you're a specialist by now too!

Re acupuncture, I very much recommend it to everyone. It has helped me enormously with the grief and emotional side of things, and it has brought my first AF forward following the miscarriage xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 15:23:46

@MrsMGE Yes unfortunately I feel like an expert in TTC from trading all these threads! But unfortunately, as you say, a lot seems down to chance! It does seem unjust to have had a BFP and gone through pregnancy and the trauma of loss only to be back here again.

Someone on another thread actually recommended a local acupuncture clinic (she lives in the same area) so I plan to look into it more and it helps to have a specific place recommended.

I find yoga has been really good for me mentally and physically over the last few months.

Fingers crossed for us all 🤞 xx

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 15:31:02

@ReeRi I tried conception reflexology and found it very calming. I wasn't actually TTC at the time, but I'm planning to go back this cycle 😊 Have you been tracking your cycle? I tracked my last one and found it incredibly stressful, as I had lots of flashing smileys on Clearblue Advanced Digital and had to wait for peak fertility till CD25 when it finally showed on both, CB and cheap LH strips. Despite dtd for 18 days, I didn't get pg sad This cycle, I'm going to temp to check if I actually ovulate. How is your cycle now? Xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 16:39:00

@MrsMGE Yes I am tracking. Other than the first cycle after we had my daughter I have been using OPKs, mainly the Clearblue connect (usually a good price on Amazon). I “tried” temping but it didn’t work for me as I’d either move around before testing and another time I read the temp and forgot it (thought it has a memory function) so I gave up. I use Ovia and the Clearblue app. I do find my cycles are a bit more regular now but not like they used to be before I got pregnant the first time. I don’t mind that so much as they seem to be within “normal” range and I tend to ovulate around day 13-15. There is conflicting info online but I think the chances of conceiving are something like 25% each cycle even if you dtd at the right time. Obviously general health, reproductive health, age etc all play a part.

I think tracking is stressful but when it has all gone wrong once, I have found it’s so easy to think the worst eg worry you are not even ovulating even though we probably have no reason to worry about that. I have found Clearblue the easiest.

My GP has given me high dose folic acid as I had the stillbirth (although I think it has nothing to do with that) and then the early miscarriage (I had actually gone to see her about something else so it was good of her to offer that) but she said you can’t have too much as your body gets rid of it so can only help. Might be worth discussing with your GP as I that’s read it can help with conception xx

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 16:48:56

@ReeRi I'm already on 5mg folic acid too, as there was previous history of hydrocephalus in my family. Also on Vit D and on Vit B Complex, as I believe I had previously had a relatively short luteal phase. It was 12 days this cycle, so I'm not overly worried, it's gone up from 9 which is brilliant. Just hope it stays this way. Also hoping that my cycles will shorten, they used to be between 30 and 34 days, I think my hormones may not be quite there yet after the MMC.

I completely agree, it's very easy to slip and think everything is wrong from A to Z, that you're not even ovulating etc. You never have these thoughts if you TTC first time really, certainly not within the first few months! Which is what I'm trying to tell myself. You are right, it's around 1 in 3 chance you get pg per cycle, I need to calm down and be more realistic about things. Easier said than done, isn't it!

DH and I are now on a fertility friendly diet which we've worked out ourselves. I'm a size 12 atm, which I guess is not terrible, but I'm not particularly tall either, so hoping to shed some weight which should also make the TTC business a bit easier. Xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 16:59:02

@MrsMGE I had to google hyrdocephalus as I hadn’t heard of that. I take it you didn’t get an answers about your MC? I am taking the FA and then I take pregnacare conception. I had read that pregnacare has caused some people to have irregular cycles but who knows.

I do think the worst. I had a UTI after giving birth and worried I had some kind of uterus infection that might make me infertile.

I would like to get in better shape. I’m not big at all but my body has changed after carrying a baby to term and giving birth. I feel ok but I eat a lot of sugary snacks like chocolate, especially at work, and I think I need to cut down. I am trying to make a good meal every day too which is hard sometimes when you work but I’m getting into the swing of things. That’s all we can do isn’t it? Look after ourselves and dtd when we think we’re fertile... oh and try not to stress about it 😂 xx

Hope you are feeling better today @Pandora71 💗

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 17:07:08

@ReeRi, how odd, I had a UTI not long after the MMC too! It might increase the risk of complications in the 3rd trimester, but also increases the risk of miscarriage. So I skipped TTC that cycle, went to my GP and had a round of antibiotics and follow up checks to make sure it's cleared (it has, luckily).

You're absolutely right, I didn't get any answers. They gave me the pills and sent me home, that's it. You get no tests unless you had 3 MCs in a row. If I go through another MC, I'll go privately, sod it.

Re the diet, I really don't think it has such a major impact unless it's really bad. But I guess eating well can only help, and it will make lives easier for us in pregnancy too. I think it's so hard in your circumstances, you absolutely should not feel bad about your body in any way. Just keep doing your best and everything will fall into place ❤️ I've also been eating lots of chocolate and snacks to make myself feel better in the last few months and tbh, maybe it did make me put some weight on, but I needed it. Now I'm trying to be healthy for me, getting back to a healthy balance xxx

ReeRi Sun 29-Sep-19 17:16:35

@MrsMGE I didn’t realise until recently actually that UTIs can cause complications. I had kidney problems as a child was was tested regularly for UTIs but hadn’t realised it could be such an issue.

It’s tough not to get any answers especially when it was later in the first trimester. I think a lot of the time there are no answers even with later losses. It doesn’t help.

I have always eaten a lot of sugar so it probably isn’t a major issue but it’s not good for me and I’m sure I’d feel better if I ate better. I agreed with one of the girls at work that we’d try to eat more fruit next week! At the same time we definitely shouldn’t beat ourselves up over eating some chocolate or pizza! xx

MrsMGE Sun 29-Sep-19 17:36:06

@ReeRi Neither did I, it's one of (many) things we have to research ourselves, by the looks of it!

You're right, it doesn't help if you don't know the answers. It just feels you have to take the risk again and again, knowing that you may have a problem, but no one is willing to help. On the other hand, maybe you just had bad luck and everything will be totally fine next time.

That's a good plan re diet! I also snack on walnuts, they're filling and good for you (and your fertility!). Xxx
I just want this "next time" so bad now.

Pandora71 Mon 30-Sep-19 22:47:42

How are you all doing today?

I’ve been moping around today and feeling sorry for myself....

I think I’m ovulating soon so I should probably try and get into a better headspace...

ReeRi Mon 30-Sep-19 22:50:20

@Pandora71 DH stayed home with cold / flu / man flu today so I’m hoping I don’t get it. In other news I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I still have PMT! Otherwise fine... Maybe you’ll start to feel more positive as you enter fertile week? They tend to be the happy, horny hormones 😬

lunamoon1 Mon 30-Sep-19 23:00:22

Hi ladies, welcome to those who are new!
Doing okay thank you, how are you? @Pandora71 don't worry about moping around, totally essential for survival! I hope you start to feel better soon tho. @ReeRi fingers crossed you stay well, man flu is the worst, apparently lol. Those negative preg tests haunting us! How many DPO are you? I got a flashing smiley this morning then a static smiley tonight on CB but I feel like my body is just playing tricks on me, no idea if I will actually ovulate or not.. FX tho!

Treaclepie19 Mon 30-Sep-19 23:06:21

Hi all, mind if I hop in?
I'm so sorry for the losses of your beautiful babies ❤
We lost a little boy in December. I had a TFMR because he had a rare chromosomal problem.
We've started trying this month and its hitting me a bit all the things that could go wrong.
We have another son who is 4 and I miscarried at 9 weeks before we had him.

lunamoon1 Tue 01-Oct-19 07:43:45

@Treaclepie19 of course, welcome & thank you, i'm so sorry for your loss also💐 it is such a scary road TTC again after the heartbreak we all know too well, but we will help each other through it! It's trying to stay focused on the first hurdle ahead (getting pregnant) and trying not to think too far ahead after that, easier said than done tho I know!

ReeRi Tue 01-Oct-19 08:42:50

@lunamoon1 I am 11 DPO. If you got a static smiley then try to assume you will ovulate and do the BD as much as you can 😬 It’s so easy for us to assume the worst unfortunately

Hi @TreaclePie I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy. It hits hard sometimes. I agree with @lunamoon19 on just trying not to think too far ahead. Hopefully we will all get pregnant soon and no doubt we will worry but let’s concentrate on getting that BFP first

I don’t know if it’s because I’m hormonal but I’m feeling v emotional. I follow baby loss groups etc on Facebook and today I saw a pic of a woman holding her stillborn baby and it made me really sad. It’s sad anyway obviously but usually I can read these things.

I’m having a crappy journey into work today. It’s pouring with rain and ALL THE TRAINS are delayed

ReeRi Tue 01-Oct-19 08:54:34

A friend had shared a picture of a man smacking young baby across the face. Why share this? I need to stay away from Facebook for a while... I am especially sensitive today to anything related to babies, baby loss, pregnancy, parenting...

lunamoon1 Tue 01-Oct-19 16:52:45

@ReeRi that's good your TWW is almost over! are you waiting til AF is late or going to test soon? It's so hard sometimes, some days it really hits home and it's difficult. I hate when people share stuff like that around abuse, it can be so thoughtless, and I know people want to spread awareness, but I feel like sharing things like that only makes it worse and upsets people, there are other ways to go about it, a FB break sounds like a good idea! Yes trying to tell myself I will ovulate, I WILL! Positive affirmation and all of that...

ReeRi Tue 01-Oct-19 16:54:18

I tested yesterday with a FRER - it was negative 😬

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