When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.
TTC after baby loss / stillbirth(266 Posts)
I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.
I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.
I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.
Hiya, not entirely similar situation, but I too feel there isn't really many people on here that get it.
I found out at my 12 week scan that I was carrying conjoined twins. They shared all major organs, so I made the hard decision to terminate the pregnancy.
It was all pretty recent, so still waiting for AF to arrive
I’m so sorry @MrsC89
Do you think you’ll start trying again straight away?
We do plan to yes. Mentally I feel in a good headspace so I dont see why not, if that makes sense?
If it's not too personal @ReeRi did you start trying soon after your miscarriage?
@MrsC89 I think these things take time to deal with anyway so if you feel ready enough then I’d say go for it. After my stillbirth I got my period in less than 28 days from giving birth and started TTC the second cycle, although loosely the first cycle we tried. I fell pregnant on our 4th cycle of trying. I then miscarried at about 4 and a half weeks and we didn’t try to the following month more by accident than by design as we were both stressed and arguing a bit tbh. So we missed on cycle and then tried again this month.
Before I fell pregnant I only had one cycle off the pill, so I never really got to know my true cycle length. I'm currently cd29 if counting day of surgery as day 1. I know it's still early days, but I just want AF to show so I can get back into tracking to try and understand my cycle!
Hi ladies, mind if I join? I saw the title of the thread and felt like I finally fitted in somewhere again. I'm so sorry to hear what you both have been through, it's a very trying time. We lost our little boy at 6 days old this year, fairly recently. We have been thinking about TTC again, although can't do much for the moment as I'm waiting on my cycle to start again, which is incredibly frustrating as I feel we don't even have the option at the moment. Feel like AF is never going to return! Sending you both longs of strength, I hope we can tackle this next chapter together!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy @lunamoon1 It must be frustrating waiting for af to return. I understand there is still a chance of conceiving before AF shows but I’m sure it will give you some peace of mind when it arrives. I found it strangely comforting when I got my first AF just to know my body was still working!
I had planned to wait for PM results but the urge to have another baby was very present which is why we started trying after two months.
I’m sure you’re already aware of them but I have found going to Sands meetings really helpful. I made a friend at the first meeting, a month after we’d both lost our babies, and I now find going feels like I am amongst friends and get comfort from it.
I completely get what you both mean about AF, I just want reassurance from my body that it's all working! I spoke to ARC a lot in the early days and they were amazing!
@ReeRi thank you, and you💐 I can totally sympathise with wanting to try quickly again, it's something else to focus on too. How long did your AF take to return after your birth? I am tracking so keeping an eye on things just in case I OV before AF, but I feel it's unlikely. Thank you, we are actually going to our first meeting next week which I am nervous about but I'm sure it will bring nothing but positivity.
@MrsC89 isn't it just, and I know stress will just delay it more, as I have been told countless times, FX that ours both turn up soon!
@MrsC89 It makes such a difference to be able to speak to people who understand some of what you’ve been through and not feel alone. For me, anyway.
@lunamoon1 My af came back after 26 days I think. We had the funeral exactly a month after we lost our baby and I already had AF by then. First one was heavy and lasted longer than usual - sorry TMI and you probably know that anyway - but at the time I wasn’t sure what it was as it seemed early for AF.
Good luck at your meeting. I’m sure they’ll be really welcoming and I hope it brings you some comfort. I found they were v informal and it’s fine to just go when you feel like it i.e. don’t feel like you have to go every month unless you’re want to.
@lunamoon1 you could tell me 100 times to stop stressing about AF arriving and I still wouldn't! Hoping it will have arrived before my follow up with the consultant middle of October!
@ReeRi 100% get what you mean. I dont feel that people talk about it that much. It's really helpful to know you aren't alone in your experiences
My DD died at 4 months old while sleeping safely. On my first cycle ttc again. Feel so isolated and scared.
I’m so sorry @Pandora71 I know you from another TTC thread (I have name changed but similar username on there) and cannot imagine what you are going through.
It’s not exactly the same but I find it difficult knowing our DD was healthy. She died due to a cord accident the weekend that she was due but was perfect. I often think “what if?” On the other hand I am grateful there is nothing to suggest we shouldn’t try again
I have found I am anxious generally now. My DH didn’t answer earlier when I called him (he was outside) to say dinner was ready and I immediately thought of course is was plausible he could have just stopped living... So can only imagine I would be v anxious, especially about movement, if I get pregnant again.
I do feel a bit isolated as I think most people don’t have a reference point for baby loss whereas if people lose a grandparent or a pet then they can relate! I feel like people think I should have moved on or think I’m “fine” because I’m back at work (I took 6 months of my mat leave) when actually it’s still v fresh to me. With my friends for the most part I don’t talk about our DD as I know they don’t know what to say.
Hey @ReeRi thanks for the reply. How many times has someone said “I can’t imagine what you are going through”. I kinda think that’s not true - they could imagine it’s just too painful.
My DD was also perfectly healthy and died for no apparent reason. The post-mortem didn’t find anything. So also no reason not to try again but we are still in the midst of grieving her so it’s hard. She was very much here and alive and part of our family. I’m grateful for the time we had with her but I don’t think it’s as simple as “just having another baby”. I also don’t know how I could live with the constant worry.
I also worry in a way that is not at all in my nature. Is my DH still breathing while he is asleep?
I do talk about my DD a lot to friends. It feels like only a matter of time before they get fed up.
So sorry for your loss. I’m so much more aware of still births now too. If feels like having a baby would be 2+ years of utter fear.
Welcome @Pandora71, I am so so sorry to hear about your daughter. I am so sad we are all connected in this way. I can imagine since she was perfectly healthy it must be so hard to come to terms with. Every day is a battle. But you have done so well to get to this point, look at completing every day as a mini-achievement, you are doing better than you think💫 and that will be down to the strength your daughter is giving you!
@ReeRi there's never TMI here don't worry, I know I am desperate for her atm and when she arrives I'll be cursing her lol! That's nice to know about SANDS, it will be good to connect to people in the real world who understand what it's like. And I totally get about people not wanting to 'bring it up' in the fear they upset you, as if you have somehow forgotten! I understand people don't know what to say, but the worst thing of all I find is to say nothing.
@Pandora71 I don’t think people can imagine what it’s like to go certain things unless they do. They can imagine it’s difficult but I don’t think they have any idea how I’m feeling or what goes through my mind on a daily basis. I feel some of my friends have shown them to be true friends and others, well, there are one or two I don’t think I can be friends with as they have just not been there at all.
I have exactly that worry about my DH when he is asleep. It started the night my baby was born. I forced myself to get out of bed and go check on him as I thought he probably wasn’t breathing as he was asleep. I often go and check on him if I can’t hear him snoring or moving or breathing.
In relation to having more babies, I don’t think we can ever replace our daughters and tbh I don’t even worry about that as I know it’s just not even a remote possibility. However I do sadly feel like I am a mother without a baby and so I do want to have another baby. I think it will be scary to go through a pregnancy and then scary still if I have a healthy baby but I am willing to bear that risk and fear because the fear of never having a living child is greater to me. I hope that makes sense.
@lunamoon1 I completely agree. I’d rather someone said the “wrong” thing to me than didn’t say anything or didn’t try. I have a friend who hasn’t been in touch for about six months and I don’t think I can forgive her for that.
There doesn’t seem to be such a thing as TMI when it comes to pregnancy and conception! 🙈
@ReeRi absolutely no replacement is possible of course. No matter what happens in the future my family will never be complete. I have an older DS which I think does make everything a bit easier. I am still an "active" parent - that hasn't been taken away from me. There is a temptation to consolidate the family we have but he is desperate for a sibling and DD brought out the best in him. I always wanted 2 and I had 2... I know I would be coping a lot worse if it had been my 1st that died. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Also @lunamoon1 I agree that not saying something at all is the worst. It cuts so deep! How can you forget! It is all I'm ever thinking about... Can I ask how DS died? I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm on CD12 and I tend to have long cycles. My period only recently came back after BFing for 4 months it took a while to return. So will be ovulation day in the next week I suspect. Am using ovulation sticks.
I'm grateful for this thread as of course repeated MCs is truly awful, it is a different thing to what some of us here are going through. No comparisons, just a different thing to suffer.
@ReeRi I totally agree, that's so sad about your friend not making contact, not a real friend at all I would say, there is no room in your life for people like that. It's such a strange thing TTC after loss, because we know that even when we do finally get our BFP's, it's going to come with lots of anxiety and worry, but yet we still are determined to get there.
@Pandora71 thank you💐 we lost him to a rare tumour which put too much pressure on his heart due to the size of it, it wasn't picked up until I went for a fairly routine growth scan at 33 weeks, and then before I knew it I was on the operating table delivering him 2 weeks later. It was a very straight forward pregnancy until then. It still hurts my head at just how quickly it went from perfect...to not. I'm so grateful for the few days we did get to spend with him tho. And I agree about being thankful for this thread, there is no comparison of losses, but it's nice to speak to ladies who understand.
Thanks @Pandora71 I do find it hard not having other children and more so because DH has older children so sometimes I feel I am a somewhat alone in my loss as I have just lost my only child but my husband, the only person who truly shares my loss, hasn’t. It is a strange situation to navigate.
@lunamoon1 I’m so sorry again for what happened with your son. I think it is hard to get your head around when something happens so unexpectedly. Sometimes it feels like I got pregnant, went through nine months of pregnancy and then a few hazy weeks and I’m back home alone with DH as if our baby never was. Sometimes it’s like I forget (but I don’t ever forget) and it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
I’m finding myself a bit intolerant of selfish friends atm. I had that one who didn’t contact me until I contacted her and then told me she was pregnant in her first text back to me... and then I replied and asked about her and she didn’t reply again for months until I texted her and said actually you’ve been a shit friend by ignoring me for months. Meanwhile I have another friend who is in touch and I’m in touch with her but at the moment I feel like I’m chasing her as we talked about going to see a show, I’ve looked up some dates, and she can’t be bothered to get back to me. And I’m thinking just because I don’t really talk about my DD with you (so as not to make you uncomfortable) this is still actually really hard for me and I’m trying to arrange things to keep me busy and the least you could do is make some time to send me a text...
@lunamoon1 the shock is so huge when it goes from perfect to the most other extreme. We put down a healthy, fat, wiggly, happy baby to sleep and when I next went to her she was dead. And we will never ever know why. The image of finding her dead haunts me. Did you spend much time with DS after he was born?
@ReeRi I’m sorry you feel alone through this. And cut out the waste of space friends. Nothing like a tragedy to show people’s true colours.
Hi is there anyway of private messaging on here? I had a still born baby girl just over 4 years ago. I have a new partner and I’m Ttc, I didn’t want to try again as I’m so scared it will happen again. I have 3 children already. I came off the pill 4 weeks ago and no period yet I’m too scared to test xx
I feel different on different days and last night I was exchanged which didn’t help - sorry for rant!
But absolutely have no time for friends who are not there for me @Pandora71
@Tazzle2007 I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think anyone who has suffered a loss would find subsequent pregnancies difficult and scary. You can PM someone by either clicking on the three dots to the bottom right of someone’s post or click on the person figure on the top right of the page to go to messages (hope that makes sense) but feel free to post on here. It might be different on the app.
@Tazzle2007 I’m sorry for your loss. I think all of us here are terrified. You should try and test so you know where you are. <3
I just wanted to say I think we are all so incredibly brave after what we’ve been through to be back trying again.
I’m having a low night. A date “milestone” of sorts for my DD. It still feels so surreal that she’s just gone.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling low @Pandora71. These dates are always difficult. I often think how old our baby would be and I imagine her. I even sometimes invent little scenarios with DH like “Baby would be doing this and we’d be saying that” I think he finds it strange but I need to feel she is part of my life. There is nothing I can say but I’m here any time. I find some days it hits much harder than others.
Thankyou both. Still no period I think I’ll get a test today. Xxx
@ReeRi thank you, I'm so sorry to you too. It's the crushing of all hopes and dreams and I totally get how some days it feels like you can handle it then others it's all consuming and feels like the end of the road. That's terrible for your 'friend' to do that. I know lots of people don't know what to say, but common sense should prevail not to bring up your pregnancy to a newly bereaved mother! Don't worry about feeling you are ranting, it's a safe group here and we all understand!
@Pandora71 I can't imagine the heartache of finding her the next day, I hope that is something you are able to work through, it's so hard to find peace with a situation when there are no answers at all, my heart goes out to you and your family. We got 6 days with him, which now are the most precious 6 days of my life, and his whole life so that's what important to me, that we were there every day and did everything we could! I agree about us being incredibly brave, it's something you certainly don't get any lessons on how to deal with it, but I feel we are doing so well.
Welcome @Tazzle2007, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter💐 FX for you testing today. Let us know how you get on.
Hi ladies, can I join?
I have stupidly started a similar thread, I didn't notice there's an existing active one already, sorry!
I'm just about to turn 33, I had a missed miscarriage followed by medical management nearly 4 months ago, at 10 weeks, no other children. I have slightly longer cycles since (37 days, 35 and now 37 again). I have started my TTC (trying to conceive) journey in the last two cycles, but no success yet.
I've been a part of a wonderful thread on MN with ladies who have been through a similar experience and we've been great support to each other. However, they have suffered their losses a bit earlier than me, and most of them are pregnant now and close to the second trimester or even further along. I'm not pregnant, and I didn't want to be the odd one out.
Today feels particularly rubbish, as my AF unexpectedly arrived yesterday, 3 days late, and after multiple pregnancy symptoms. It's like a fresh wave of grief of still not being pregnant hitting me all over again
Just wanted to talk. Sorry to hear about all your experiences, it's an unbelievable trauma to lose your baby. I am glad to see us back on the journey though xxx
Good luck @Tazzle2007 We are here for you if you need
@lunamoon1 Thanks. The thing wit the pregnant friend is, when she told me, I replied and asked about her pregnancy and tried to let her know it’s not a reason to stay away. If anything I thought maybe I’d made it too clear I was annoyed she hadn’t been in touch. I even told her about my friend’s daughter who was born 3 weeks after mine and whom I see regularly. She replied once and then didn’t reply to my last messaged and I didn’t hear from her again for months and that’s when I texted her again saying I’m really disappointed she hasn’t been in touch. The thing is she didn’t even send a simple text to test the waters to find out if I wanted to hear from her or not.
Hi @MrsMGE So sorry for your loss. A good friend of mine had a MMC, I think she found out at her 12 week scan, and she found it a really tough time, understandably. She has a lovely almost one year old now!
I found my cycles have been irregular since I had my daughter. They are between 26-34 days, seem to be averaging around 29, but I don’t think it’s unusual. I know people have had much longer cycles after a loss.
I feel for you with AF. I have really bad PMT which means I feel much worse because of the hormones but it also means I’m probably not pregnant this month! The first cycle we tried again I had lots of pregnancy symptoms and then started spotting so thought it was implantation bleeding and it turned into AF. It’s so tough. I try to see it as another cycle is another cycle is another chance.
This is a safe place to talk and rant! x
Thanks @ReeRi for making me feel so welcome and for your kind words ❤️ I very much relate to what you've said.
I do think losing a baby at the final stage of pregnancy to stillbirth or later on, to neonatal death, are frankly the most excruciating experiences a human being can take. So I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for you, and I genuinely think, once you've been through something like this, even though no doubt it has changed you forever, nothing can break you going forward.
As for my experience, I was shocked because there were no symptoms, let down by the EPAU, had a very painful delivery with full on contractions (of which I was never told they might happen at 10 wks and didn't know what to do, I was only told it would be like a bad period - I have had bad periods for 19 years, it was nothing like that), being violently sick after misoprostol for 7 hrs straight etc, etc. I was then left to my own devices cause there is no medical aftercare following a miscarriage. No one checks anything or tells you why this happened, either. I then had to tell people in work and go on 2.5 weeks sick leave, as there is nothing guaranteed by law after the miscarriage. Overall, I felt neglected, alone and not taken seriously, and in combination with the shock and unexpectedly bad physical side of things, it took a massive toll on me. I felt traumatised frankly, and I'm a tough cookie.
But, I am now in a different place. I still think about it, but I didn't let it define me. I've internalised this trauma and grief thanks to acupuncture, talking a lot, and lots of self-care.
Now I'm facing this new challenge of TTC again, and I'm deeply upset that it's still not happening. I got pg very quickly the first time, and it's not the case now. Every single article I see in the press says you're likely to have better outcomes if you get pregnant within the first 6 months after the miscarriage. Then you read you are "more fertile" then. If only this was true! It simply isn't the case for everyone. And the emptiness is really unbearable now. My due date is in January and I am so scared of not being pregnant by then, I don't know how I'd even face this. Xxx
It sounds like you had a really tough experience and we’re not treated very well. It’s so sad that these things are brushed under the carpet almost. Had you told many people you were pregnant by that stage?
I hope it doesn’t take long for you to fall pregnant. It is still early days but I do understand that urge to be pregnant now or even just have a healthy baby now. I fell pregnant on the fourth cycle after losing our baby girl but then that was an early miscarriage (less than 5 weeks) and this was the first cycle of trying again. I fell pregnant quite quickly with her too. I don’t know how long it took but we weren’t “actively” trying and I almost wasn’t expecting it (I wasn’t even taking folic acid yet but I don’t think that was a problem). So I’m kind of hoping it would happen within about four cycles again. Our daughter would have been one in February so I hope I’m pregnant by then too, which would be about six cycles, but who knows. This experience had taught me we can’t plan everything and we don’t know what the future holds.
I have heard a lot of women on here have found acupuncture helpful for fertility xx
@ReeRi I completely agree, there is hardly anything that us within our control when TTC and during pregnancy, it is very hard. It seems it's a lottery, isn't it. Very hard to accept that it's your own body and yet there's so little you can do.
I really hope you get pregnant again quickly. I've done lots of research and learnt a lot from the ladies on the previous thread too re TTC-related issues and tips, very happy to share as and when needed. I'm sure you're a specialist by now too!
Re acupuncture, I very much recommend it to everyone. It has helped me enormously with the grief and emotional side of things, and it has brought my first AF forward following the miscarriage xxx
@MrsMGE Yes unfortunately I feel like an expert in TTC from trading all these threads! But unfortunately, as you say, a lot seems down to chance! It does seem unjust to have had a BFP and gone through pregnancy and the trauma of loss only to be back here again.
Someone on another thread actually recommended a local acupuncture clinic (she lives in the same area) so I plan to look into it more and it helps to have a specific place recommended.
I find yoga has been really good for me mentally and physically over the last few months.
Fingers crossed for us all 🤞 xx
@ReeRi I tried conception reflexology and found it very calming. I wasn't actually TTC at the time, but I'm planning to go back this cycle 😊 Have you been tracking your cycle? I tracked my last one and found it incredibly stressful, as I had lots of flashing smileys on Clearblue Advanced Digital and had to wait for peak fertility till CD25 when it finally showed on both, CB and cheap LH strips. Despite dtd for 18 days, I didn't get pg This cycle, I'm going to temp to check if I actually ovulate. How is your cycle now? Xxx
@MrsMGE Yes I am tracking. Other than the first cycle after we had my daughter I have been using OPKs, mainly the Clearblue connect (usually a good price on Amazon). I “tried” temping but it didn’t work for me as I’d either move around before testing and another time I read the temp and forgot it (thought it has a memory function) so I gave up. I use Ovia and the Clearblue app. I do find my cycles are a bit more regular now but not like they used to be before I got pregnant the first time. I don’t mind that so much as they seem to be within “normal” range and I tend to ovulate around day 13-15. There is conflicting info online but I think the chances of conceiving are something like 25% each cycle even if you dtd at the right time. Obviously general health, reproductive health, age etc all play a part.
I think tracking is stressful but when it has all gone wrong once, I have found it’s so easy to think the worst eg worry you are not even ovulating even though we probably have no reason to worry about that. I have found Clearblue the easiest.
My GP has given me high dose folic acid as I had the stillbirth (although I think it has nothing to do with that) and then the early miscarriage (I had actually gone to see her about something else so it was good of her to offer that) but she said you can’t have too much as your body gets rid of it so can only help. Might be worth discussing with your GP as I that’s read it can help with conception xx
@ReeRi I'm already on 5mg folic acid too, as there was previous history of hydrocephalus in my family. Also on Vit D and on Vit B Complex, as I believe I had previously had a relatively short luteal phase. It was 12 days this cycle, so I'm not overly worried, it's gone up from 9 which is brilliant. Just hope it stays this way. Also hoping that my cycles will shorten, they used to be between 30 and 34 days, I think my hormones may not be quite there yet after the MMC.
I completely agree, it's very easy to slip and think everything is wrong from A to Z, that you're not even ovulating etc. You never have these thoughts if you TTC first time really, certainly not within the first few months! Which is what I'm trying to tell myself. You are right, it's around 1 in 3 chance you get pg per cycle, I need to calm down and be more realistic about things. Easier said than done, isn't it!
DH and I are now on a fertility friendly diet which we've worked out ourselves. I'm a size 12 atm, which I guess is not terrible, but I'm not particularly tall either, so hoping to shed some weight which should also make the TTC business a bit easier. Xxx
@MrsMGE I had to google hyrdocephalus as I hadn’t heard of that. I take it you didn’t get an answers about your MC? I am taking the FA and then I take pregnacare conception. I had read that pregnacare has caused some people to have irregular cycles but who knows.
I do think the worst. I had a UTI after giving birth and worried I had some kind of uterus infection that might make me infertile.
I would like to get in better shape. I’m not big at all but my body has changed after carrying a baby to term and giving birth. I feel ok but I eat a lot of sugary snacks like chocolate, especially at work, and I think I need to cut down. I am trying to make a good meal every day too which is hard sometimes when you work but I’m getting into the swing of things. That’s all we can do isn’t it? Look after ourselves and dtd when we think we’re fertile... oh and try not to stress about it 😂 xx
Hope you are feeling better today @Pandora71 💗
@ReeRi, how odd, I had a UTI not long after the MMC too! It might increase the risk of complications in the 3rd trimester, but also increases the risk of miscarriage. So I skipped TTC that cycle, went to my GP and had a round of antibiotics and follow up checks to make sure it's cleared (it has, luckily).
You're absolutely right, I didn't get any answers. They gave me the pills and sent me home, that's it. You get no tests unless you had 3 MCs in a row. If I go through another MC, I'll go privately, sod it.
Re the diet, I really don't think it has such a major impact unless it's really bad. But I guess eating well can only help, and it will make lives easier for us in pregnancy too. I think it's so hard in your circumstances, you absolutely should not feel bad about your body in any way. Just keep doing your best and everything will fall into place ❤️ I've also been eating lots of chocolate and snacks to make myself feel better in the last few months and tbh, maybe it did make me put some weight on, but I needed it. Now I'm trying to be healthy for me, getting back to a healthy balance xxx
@MrsMGE I didn’t realise until recently actually that UTIs can cause complications. I had kidney problems as a child was was tested regularly for UTIs but hadn’t realised it could be such an issue.
It’s tough not to get any answers especially when it was later in the first trimester. I think a lot of the time there are no answers even with later losses. It doesn’t help.
I have always eaten a lot of sugar so it probably isn’t a major issue but it’s not good for me and I’m sure I’d feel better if I ate better. I agreed with one of the girls at work that we’d try to eat more fruit next week! At the same time we definitely shouldn’t beat ourselves up over eating some chocolate or pizza! xx
@ReeRi Neither did I, it's one of (many) things we have to research ourselves, by the looks of it!
You're right, it doesn't help if you don't know the answers. It just feels you have to take the risk again and again, knowing that you may have a problem, but no one is willing to help. On the other hand, maybe you just had bad luck and everything will be totally fine next time.
That's a good plan re diet! I also snack on walnuts, they're filling and good for you (and your fertility!). Xxx
I just want this "next time" so bad now.
How are you all doing today?
I’ve been moping around today and feeling sorry for myself....
I think I’m ovulating soon so I should probably try and get into a better headspace...
@Pandora71 DH stayed home with cold / flu / man flu today so I’m hoping I don’t get it. In other news I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I still have PMT! Otherwise fine... Maybe you’ll start to feel more positive as you enter fertile week? They tend to be the happy, horny hormones 😬
Hi ladies, welcome to those who are new!
Doing okay thank you, how are you? @Pandora71 don't worry about moping around, totally essential for survival! I hope you start to feel better soon tho. @ReeRi fingers crossed you stay well, man flu is the worst, apparently lol. Those negative preg tests haunting us! How many DPO are you? I got a flashing smiley this morning then a static smiley tonight on CB but I feel like my body is just playing tricks on me, no idea if I will actually ovulate or not.. FX tho!
Hi all, mind if I hop in?
I'm so sorry for the losses of your beautiful babies ❤
We lost a little boy in December. I had a TFMR because he had a rare chromosomal problem.
We've started trying this month and its hitting me a bit all the things that could go wrong.
We have another son who is 4 and I miscarried at 9 weeks before we had him.
@Treaclepie19 of course, welcome & thank you, i'm so sorry for your loss also💐 it is such a scary road TTC again after the heartbreak we all know too well, but we will help each other through it! It's trying to stay focused on the first hurdle ahead (getting pregnant) and trying not to think too far ahead after that, easier said than done tho I know!
@lunamoon1 I am 11 DPO. If you got a static smiley then try to assume you will ovulate and do the BD as much as you can 😬 It’s so easy for us to assume the worst unfortunately
Hi @TreaclePie I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy. It hits hard sometimes. I agree with @lunamoon19 on just trying not to think too far ahead. Hopefully we will all get pregnant soon and no doubt we will worry but let’s concentrate on getting that BFP first
I don’t know if it’s because I’m hormonal but I’m feeling v emotional. I follow baby loss groups etc on Facebook and today I saw a pic of a woman holding her stillborn baby and it made me really sad. It’s sad anyway obviously but usually I can read these things.
I’m having a crappy journey into work today. It’s pouring with rain and ALL THE TRAINS are delayed
A friend had shared a picture of a man smacking young baby across the face. Why share this? I need to stay away from Facebook for a while... I am especially sensitive today to anything related to babies, baby loss, pregnancy, parenting...
@ReeRi that's good your TWW is almost over! are you waiting til AF is late or going to test soon? It's so hard sometimes, some days it really hits home and it's difficult. I hate when people share stuff like that around abuse, it can be so thoughtless, and I know people want to spread awareness, but I feel like sharing things like that only makes it worse and upsets people, there are other ways to go about it, a FB break sounds like a good idea! Yes trying to tell myself I will ovulate, I WILL! Positive affirmation and all of that...
I tested yesterday with a FRER - it was negative 😬
@ReeRi Well you aren't out yet! Sending you lots of luck🤞🏼
Thanks @lunamoon1 I am CD28 now so expecting AF anytime but at the back of my mind I am hopeful because it’s not here. I have very strong PMT symptoms so that suggests AF is coming but usually when it gets this bad it’s only that way for a couple of days but I’ve been like this since the weekend 😫 (I get bad PMT). Ovia think AF is due Saturday. Clearblue app thinks it’s due today... but I probably would have got a positive on FRER on Monday if it was going to be positive.
Baby dust to everyone else!
I have a day off today which is nice 😬
@ReeRi it's such a mind game isn't it, waiting for something to happen. Maybe plan something nice for IF AF turns up, so soften the blow a little, it's never a nice time, but you're not out until then! Lovely, make the most of relaxing and taking it easy if you can, we need to be kind to ourselves.
@Tazzle2007 I can! Maybe wait a day or two & test again, but gentle congratulations until then💫
Yes I’ll wait a couple of days and see as I’ve heard about evap lines but it did show within 10 mins but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Sorry ladies my posts have been short and sweet! I’m so busy at the moment as I have 3 children 12,10 and 7 and I work part time. Also my daughter who was stillborn was supposed to be starting school in September and I see my friends daughter who I was pregnant with the same time every morning and afternoon at the school! It’s been tough. Also I haven’t been to her grave in months and I feel so guilty but I find it so hard to go there. Also another thing is I’m 37 and like I said I didn’t think I’d have anymore children but my partner doesn’t have any. I’ve even said to him in the past maybe he should find a younger girlfriend (he’s 33) and start a family without having the extra worry of still born or miscarriage. But he said atleast try and if it doesn’t happen that’s ok he will still be with me and love me. My friend who is 39 just had twins at 38 weeks so that gives me hope I will have a successful pregnancy. Thank you for welcoming me to this group and listening to me as soon as I get another chance I’ll read through all your situations and hopefully I can give some good advice/ listen and be here for you xxx
@lunamoon1 Thanks. Yes I’m kind of expecting AF but there is always that hope isn’t there. On the plus side, PMT is so bad AF might be a relief in that sense. Are you just about in the 2 week wait now?
@Tazzle2007 Looks positive to me. It’s swings and roundabouts so don’t worry about not always having time to reply to everyone. We probably all have a lot on in different ways and people will post at different times but it usually evens itself out!
@Tazzle2007 looks like a line to me. Test again soon <3
@ReeRi still no AF? Will you test or wait?
I’m mid cycle somewhere. Don’t think I’ve ovulated yet.
I’ll test again Friday! As hcg doubles every 48 hours so the line should be darker by then and I’ll deffo know! Pandora are you using ovulation strips to see when your ovulating? Xx
@ReeRi always hope! I feel for you, it's not something I've suffered with but I can imagine it's not pleasant at all. I think so, I started temping too about 2 weeks ago but I haven't had a rise yet, yesterday and today are the lowest they have been, so we will want and see what the next few days bring..
@Tazzle2007 yes I am using cheap ovulation strips. I expect ovulation in the next few days. I have long and variably cycles so it helps me to keep track.
@Pandora71 Well I have been to the bathroom recently and a hint of spotting so think that will be AF. At this point I’m relieved the PMT will be gone soon
@lunamoon1 How do you find temping? I found it such a faff having to do it at the same time and before you move around much etc...
Don’t lose hope yet! Spotting can be implantation! After that hcg takes 2-3 days to show in a test! I didn’t even know I was pregnant with my daisy as I had a full period at 4 weeks pregnant xx
Thanks @Tazzle2007 If only! Well I’m assuming it’s AF and if it isn’t then that’s a bonus. If PMT does disappear today then it probably is AF... x
@ReeRi Its okay, I find it's more of a headache that a help, going to see if it helps this 'cycle' (if I can even call it that), but will probs not carry it on much longer if I just keep getting a plateau of temps... I didn't use it when we were last TTC so don't know why I started this time round! Did you enjoy your day off?
@Tazzle2007 hopefully you see a darker line in a few days!🤞🏼
@lunamoon1 Yeah see how it goes. I have had a good day thanks. I have worked a bit but I’ve also been to Zumba this morning and I’ve given the house a good clean which makes me happy 😬
@ReeRi sounds very productive, also had a house clean yesterday, always feels good after! got a temp rise this morning I think so here's hoping it continues🤞🏼
@ReeRi thank you, they stayed up this morning but not by much, hopefully tomorrow it will shift upwards a bit more.
How is everyone doing?
I’m still hormonal but spotting do AF is definitely on the way - worst of both! It’s Friday though!
How is everyone else?
@ReeRi it's horrible how long it's dragged out for it seems! Doing okay thank you, my SIL is due this coming week so that's playing on my mind a bit, it's hard to come to terms with but trying not to think too far ahead! Easier said than done mind you.. apart from that just trying to relax as much as possible
@lunamoon1 Oh that’s tough. I’m having a little bit of a down morning. Just feeling a bit sad about little one but I’m sure I’ll be ok when I get up and do something.
It’s a nice day today anyway.
Hey. I’m off out to a family birthday party today. Always without my DD.
Somehow also trying to dtt. My poor brain...
Also having a down day. AF arrived out of nowhere yesterday, after my positive OPK's and temp rises I was a bit shocked, but I guess my body had a different plan. Trying not to dwell on it tho and looking to this as my body 'resetting itself', I hope!
Hope you are feeling better today @ReeRi
@Pandora71 I hope the party isn't too tough to you, well done for getting out and being part of it, very brave!
I hope you have a nice time at the party @Pandora71 It is difficult always feeling someone is missing.
@lunamoon1 That’s rubbish if it is AF (any chance it is implantation??) but on the plus means a new cycle and another chance. I’m coming to the end of AF now so thinking about fertile week.
I’m ok thanks, bit tired. Hope everyone else is ok xx
@ReeRi no, for sure it is AF, but ready to face this new opportunity and hoping for the best! That's good, it's hard not to wish your life away during this journey isn't it.
@lunamoon1 It is. It helps to have other things to focus on whether work or whatever planning fun things but I am feeling a bit rubbish tbh.
How is everyone doing?
I am still struggling. A friend who lost her baby around the same time as us told me yesterday she is pregnant and I’m happy for her as she knows a loss like ours and deserves some joy but she laughed when I said I’d had a miscarriage and then told me she was pregnant. And then went on to tell me every fear she has and worry about antenatal classes etc. It was a bit much as it was out of the blue and I don’t think I could really be sympathetic although I can understand.
I’m stressed with work but it’s a good distraction.
I am not getting on great with DH. We seem to be at odds. That is the worst bit.
I’m on CD9 so expect I should be in my fertile period soon.
Hi @ReeRi , I'm so sorry to hear about your friend being dismissive about your miscarriage, I can't imagine anyone ever thinking it's something to laugh about & even more so when you have experienced a loss the same! It's fair to say just because you'd had a similar experience to someone doesn't always mean they will 'get it' which is sad! I hope it doesn't get you down too much. How long have you been back at work? It's the furthest thing from my mind much at the moment but know it will be upon be before I know it (some time next year). Like you said tho, good distraction, just remember to take the time you need on the days you need it, grief is a strange thing!
I hope your DH starts to feel a little better soon, it's a hard ride for them too as they can be a little pushed to the side after loss by others, as everyone thinks about the mothers straight away. Maybe a little chat with a glass of wine or something might get him to open up a bit.
I'm CD 7 so just behind you, we can agonise in the TWW together!
@ReeRi she laughed? Hopefully a nervous-don’t-know-what-to-day laugh at least? Try to put it past you and have a bit of distance from her until you are (if you are) ready to deal with her.
Is there anything you can do to reconnect with DH? Me and my DH have been on a few date nights recently doing things we used to do when we were in our twenties - we felt like “us” again and it felt nice. We are also talking a lot about our lost DD and trying to stay on the same page roughly by sharing how we are feeling. What is making you feel distance from DH?
I’m kinda ok. I’m in the 2ww without knowing exactly when I ovulated on my stupid long cycles. Still cry nearly every day. I’ve got a couple more months till I go back to work.
I do understand. Pg 1, 17 weeks failure of placenta, DS1 36 weeks - all fine, Pg 12 weeks, DS2 27 weeks and he died within a few hours of birth - 20 week scan had identified significant heart problems, Pg after first period and list v early, gynae problems arose and gynaecigist established minor infection had prevailed and to cease trying until all resolved. Got pg by mistake (we had a mind blowing row over whether to try again and then made up). DD was born 51 weeks after DS2 died.
I completely understand the stress and desperation and anxiety over waiting for af, being able to try again when she comes, the desperation to be pg and the terror of what might happen when one is pg. Of the feeling different, of the putting on a brave face at christenings, and crying silently on the phone as a friend gently tells you they are expecting, and at thecsame time enacting a tinkly little laugh and delight for them, of crying oneself to sleep and reliving bad news.
I think of DS every day, he'd be my slightly darker boy, the quieter one with a bit more empathy who probably would have given up sport for music, rather than music for sport like his big brother. He'd have done the rites now of Reading, Malia, a gap year and brought home his first girl friend. But he didn't, he was ill and died soon after birth. He would be 22 now and I still think of him every day but I promise you with all my heart it eventually stops hurting.
Sometimes I look at the two children I have and if the losses hadn't happened, I'd have different children and that becomes another albeit unimaginable complexity.
I am glad there are fora nowadays, I am glad you all have each other and shared experiences and can provide each other comfort. I remember some very dark days, in fact I have voids when I was pg with dd such was my despair.
I wish you weren't hurting so much.
@lunamoon1 I’ve been back at work since end of August. DH is really annoying me. At this rate I don’t know if we’ll even get around to doing the BD while I’m fertile which stresses me out more! As in it bothers me more that we’re arguing as I feel like I might miss my chance this month as a result.
@Pandora71 It’s understandable if you’re crying a lot, or even if you’re not. I’m struggling at the moment but I feel more up or down at different times. I definitely feel worse when at odds with DH. I don’t know how to make things better. He’s not very good at communicating with me generally and I’m not great when I’m as emotional as I now so it’s hard not to bump heads but then I feel double worse as I need his support and don’t have it.
My friend was weird. I don’t know her super well. I met her at a Sands meeting after we lost our babies in Jan and Feb and have seen her 2-3 times after that but she seems very nice. She obviously was itching to tell me. She laughed when I said it and can’t have meant it but she laughed and it was so weird! She didn’t say she was sorry or anything. She then just asked if we were TTC so I said yes and then asked her and she just gave me a cheesy grin! And then said she pregnant and proceeded to tell me she’s feeling sick and about how she doesn’t want to do all the stuff she did last time but it was a bit much and a weird way to tell me in my opinion.
Thanks for your post @OhTheRoses I am sorry for the loss of your son. I was out trying to raise awareness for baby loss awareness week this week and one woman came over and said it had been 26 years for her. So heartbreaking. I bet she knows how long it has been to the day even now.
While at the Sands stand I saw a friend who had been strange recently. I may have mentioned a friend who I’d been trying to make plans with but was being a bit non-committal (I think that’s just how she is). Anyway I ended up saying shall we just leave if she’s busy but I’ve been having a tough time and had just wanted to do something fun. I mentioned twice I’ve been feeling down and don’t normally talk about any of it to her. No acknowledgement. I saw her near the stand and said hi. She looked at me like she wished she hadn’t seen me and said she had to go. I could see she was in a rush but she still could have said hi in a friendly way or send a text from the train to say sorry to dash off but she had to get the train (which is what I probably would have done).
I hate people this week!
@Pandora71 fingers crossed for you!
@OhTheRoses thank you for sharing your story with us, no matter how much time has passed we will never move on or forget about our little ones.
@ReeRi I'm sorry to hear everything is a bit all over the place at the moment, it's hard enough dealing with all of this never mind not getting along with DH & having unsupportive friends, there really is no excuse for that! I know some people struggle with what to say but even just to say anything is better than nothing. I hope you have other, more comforting friends who can be there for you! It sucks does it, it feels like the everyone else's world moves on and we are just left behind.
I had a lovely weekend with family which is what I really needed. My SIL had her baby and it was so nice to meet her. We are quite a close family so I'll be seeing a lot of her. It's hard as now we can see exactly what we are missing, but at the same time it's lovely to have her. I'm starting OPK testing tomorrow with the clearblue advanced, hopefully won't be too long until we get that static smiley! I hope everyone had a relaxing weekend.
@lunamoon1 Thank you. We feel a lot better now and have managed to dtd. I am on my third day of flashing smileys. Have you got your smiley yet? I hope you get some comfort and joy of being around your niece. I am surprised sometimes how wonderful I find being around babies and small children when I sometimes expect it to be painful
Hope everyone else is ok tonight
I am touched by the number of people who have sent me pictures of candles they have lit for our babies tonight ❤️
@ReeRi I'm so glad to hear that, through these awful times our partners really are our biggest supports, and vice versa, but bumps along the road are inevitable. That's good! No flashing for me yet, fingers crossed in the next few days. Seeing that empty circle is a bit frustrating! I expected a bit of a wait tho.
🕯🕯🕯 I thought of all the little ones in heaven tonight along with our son whilst lighting a candle, it's such a touching tribute and I'm so glad it's being more openly spoken about now than ever before.
How are you all doing?
I’ve been away quite a bit with DH and DS. It’s been good but also hard. DS talking a lot about our lost DD. We all miss her so much.
Meanwhile I’m on CD38. Did a test. Nothing. Who knows what my cycle is doing...
How are you doing @lunamoon1?
@Pandora71 Is your cycle is usually so irregular?
I think I’m about 5DPO. I’m ok. Went to Sands last night. Everyone seeks to be pregnant or have just had a baby girl but I’m okay!
To be fair I’ve been so stressed with work and that seems to impact on everything else as I don’t think I was eating or sleeping properly all of last week.
How is everyone else?
@Pandora71 grief is such a wave of emotions, just when you think you're on top of it, it comes crashing down again. I hope you managed to enjoy yourself as much as you can.
@ReeRi doing okay thank you, how are you? It's so hard isn't it, I feel like I see a pregnancy announcement/picture of a new baby every week. That's good about work but also hope you are taking enough time to yourself. Fingers crossed for you! How many months have you been TTC since you lost your little girl?
I'm on day 5 of flashing smiley today, I was sure it was going to be a solid smiley today.. sadly not! Not sure what's going on with my body but I'll keep testing and just hope for the best!
@ReeRi not good about work I mean, I hope you are looking after yourself even with the heavy workload, self care is so important!
@lunamoon1 I’m ok thanks, feeling more positive this week I think. I started TTC about two months after having my daughter (wasn’t really planned and first cycle was not so much trying as just not using contraception). I got pregnant on cycle four but had an early MC. Didn’t try at all the following cycle and then started again last cycle and now is second cycle since MC.
The positive is it took 3-4 cycles to fall pregnant last time and I wasn’t tracking or anything when I fell pregnant with my first so I’m hoping it will happen quickly this time and maybe be third time lucky for us🤞
You should keep going with testing. TBH sometimes I’m pleased to have flashing smileys for a good few days as I am convinced I’m more fertile in the days before my static smiley.
It does feel like so many people are pregnant. A few at work. People I’ve met through Sands who lost babies around the same time as us seem to have got pregnant straight away. Even the bloggers I watch on YouTube etc all seem to be pregnant - about five of them! I’m trying to detach myself from that which I can mostly do but sometimes of course seeing a baby or pregnant person reminds me of when I was pregnant and I feel a bit angry sometimes because my baby died but I suppose that’s normal.
@ReeRi you've been through a really hard time this year & sometimes it's easy to go too hard on yourself. I really hope so, I have my fingers crossed for you soo much! are you tempted by early testing or will you hold out until AF is late? Honestly, it's so true once you want something you start seeing it EVERYWHERE, but it does teach you how other people's lives really shouldn't have an impact on ours but how easy it is to get drawn in, esp through social media, I can't tell you how many friends I have 'muted' who are either pregnant or have young kids, I just can't do it at the moment.
Thank you for your advice, I kept testing and finally got my static smiley last night! That's true about having a good lot of fertile days before peak, I never thought of it like that🤞🏼
@lunamoon1 Pleased you got your static smiley 🙂 I have muted people who have been posting about pregnancy and babies. I am happy for my good family and friends who have had babies or who are pregnant especially if they are there for me but anyone else I just don’t need it. But every pregnancy and baby is a reminder that my baby died and how unlucky we were. I know that’s just life and I’m ok.
I would probably wait to see if AF is late before testing as I would usually assume I am not pregnant but I am already symptom spotting like I feel a bit spotty and hormonal. It’s a bit early for PMT but I haven’t been sleeping well so it could be down to that...
Hope everyone else is ok
Hi ladies, how is everyone getting on? Been quite quiet here with me, I think I'm in the middle of my 2WW, tried temping but I have quite a bad cold so think that is throwing my temps off, although I can see a shift which is good. No good at holding off testing, but fully excepting to be disappointed at the same time. I hope life is being kind to you ladies, we deserve it so much.
@ReeRi how has work been for you?
I read your first posts and I agree. I’m sorry for your loss, I can relate to you but haven’t been in your situation to completely understand.
I have had a few early miscarriages and 1 neonatal death. My baby passed away at 1 day old.
My subsequent pregnancy was so stressful, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and depression and was feeling all the time I will lose another baby, couldn’t bear the thought of another funeral and the grief.
I gave myself time and been gentle with myself.
Found that lots of people couldn’t understand me and judge me sometimes for the way I was feeling.
Now pregnant again, I am better but feel some anxiety still. I find even more that people expect me to be ok all the time as I have 2 living children and they’ve forgotten about my 2nd born who’s not with us.
Hope all good with you!
Hi @lunamoon1 Fingers crossed for you this cycle. I think AF is showing signs today so explains why I have felt dreadful for a week! Work is ok but I get bad PMT so this week has been a little tough.
@Monique007 Sorry for your loss. I think it’s very tough for people to understand and I find that frustrating
Anyone else really struggling today? I can't stop thinking about how wonderfully silly my DD would have looked dressed up as a pumpkin. She never got to see a Halloween. It is all so fucking unfair.
Ah @Pandora71 Me too. I thought I’d dress my little one up as a pumpkin, I was thinking earlier just about her sitting with us inside as the trick or treaters knocked. Sometimes I feel the waves of grief more acutely and more often then others and I’ve suffered a bit this week. It really is unfair. I find myself feeling quite angry at the world sometimes...
Agreed, seeing pictures of so many little ones dressed up for Halloween really got to me, which is weird because Halloween's not really something I've ever been in to, but me & DH always joked about dressing baby up in cute little costumes. So unfair.
Thank you @ReeRi trying so hard not to get my hopes up which is proving tricky. Feel like a woman possessed some days!
Morning, hope everyone is ok?
I was wondering whether any of you had looked into molly bears or anything like that? I signed up for one ages ago and just got my email to confirm the order. I’d kind of forgotten about it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.