TTC after baby loss / stillbirth

(336 Posts)
ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 15:07:21

I’m mid-thirties. My first child was stillborn at full term early this year. My second pregnancy, around 6 months later, ended in early miscarriage.

I’m now on CD21 and about 5DPO.

Anyone else?

I find some of the TTC boards hard to relate to as they’re either those who have never suffered a loss or those who have had early losses / RMC or general fertility issues. I am not trying to compare losses. Any loss is difficult but I know for me my miscarriage at 5 weeks did not even register compared to losing a baby at full term. It was disappointing but more so because I wanted to be pregnant and wasn’t any more.

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MrsC89 Wed 25-Sep-19 16:03:16

Hiya, not entirely similar situation, but I too feel there isn't really many people on here that get it.
I found out at my 12 week scan that I was carrying conjoined twins. They shared all major organs, so I made the hard decision to terminate the pregnancy.
It was all pretty recent, so still waiting for AF to arrive

ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 16:10:07

I’m so sorry @MrsC89

Do you think you’ll start trying again straight away?

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MrsC89 Wed 25-Sep-19 16:20:44

We do plan to yes. Mentally I feel in a good headspace so I dont see why not, if that makes sense?
If it's not too personal @ReeRi did you start trying soon after your miscarriage?

ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 16:39:53

@MrsC89 I think these things take time to deal with anyway so if you feel ready enough then I’d say go for it. After my stillbirth I got my period in less than 28 days from giving birth and started TTC the second cycle, although loosely the first cycle we tried. I fell pregnant on our 4th cycle of trying. I then miscarried at about 4 and a half weeks and we didn’t try to the following month more by accident than by design as we were both stressed and arguing a bit tbh. So we missed on cycle and then tried again this month.

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MrsC89 Wed 25-Sep-19 16:49:25

Before I fell pregnant I only had one cycle off the pill, so I never really got to know my true cycle length. I'm currently cd29 if counting day of surgery as day 1. I know it's still early days, but I just want AF to show so I can get back into tracking to try and understand my cycle!

lunamoon1 Wed 25-Sep-19 16:53:56

Hi ladies, mind if I join? I saw the title of the thread and felt like I finally fitted in somewhere again. I'm so sorry to hear what you both have been through, it's a very trying time. We lost our little boy at 6 days old this year, fairly recently. We have been thinking about TTC again, although can't do much for the moment as I'm waiting on my cycle to start again, which is incredibly frustrating as I feel we don't even have the option at the moment. Feel like AF is never going to return! Sending you both longs of strength, I hope we can tackle this next chapter together!

ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 17:04:30

I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy @lunamoon1 It must be frustrating waiting for af to return. I understand there is still a chance of conceiving before AF shows but I’m sure it will give you some peace of mind when it arrives. I found it strangely comforting when I got my first AF just to know my body was still working!

I had planned to wait for PM results but the urge to have another baby was very present which is why we started trying after two months.

I’m sure you’re already aware of them but I have found going to Sands meetings really helpful. I made a friend at the first meeting, a month after we’d both lost our babies, and I now find going feels like I am amongst friends and get comfort from it.

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MrsC89 Wed 25-Sep-19 17:13:54

I completely get what you both mean about AF, I just want reassurance from my body that it's all working! I spoke to ARC a lot in the early days and they were amazing!

lunamoon1 Wed 25-Sep-19 17:29:20

@ReeRi thank you, and you💐 I can totally sympathise with wanting to try quickly again, it's something else to focus on too. How long did your AF take to return after your birth? I am tracking so keeping an eye on things just in case I OV before AF, but I feel it's unlikely. Thank you, we are actually going to our first meeting next week which I am nervous about but I'm sure it will bring nothing but positivity.

@MrsC89 isn't it just, and I know stress will just delay it more, as I have been told countless times, FX that ours both turn up soon!

ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 21:55:33

@MrsC89 It makes such a difference to be able to speak to people who understand some of what you’ve been through and not feel alone. For me, anyway.

@lunamoon1 My af came back after 26 days I think. We had the funeral exactly a month after we lost our baby and I already had AF by then. First one was heavy and lasted longer than usual - sorry TMI and you probably know that anyway - but at the time I wasn’t sure what it was as it seemed early for AF.

Good luck at your meeting. I’m sure they’ll be really welcoming and I hope it brings you some comfort. I found they were v informal and it’s fine to just go when you feel like it i.e. don’t feel like you have to go every month unless you’re want to.

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MrsC89 Wed 25-Sep-19 22:25:39

@lunamoon1 you could tell me 100 times to stop stressing about AF arriving and I still wouldn't! Hoping it will have arrived before my follow up with the consultant middle of October!

@ReeRi 100% get what you mean. I dont feel that people talk about it that much. It's really helpful to know you aren't alone in your experiences

Pandora71 Wed 25-Sep-19 22:27:11

My DD died at 4 months old while sleeping safely. On my first cycle ttc again. Feel so isolated and scared.

ReeRi Wed 25-Sep-19 22:40:57

I’m so sorry @Pandora71 I know you from another TTC thread (I have name changed but similar username on there) and cannot imagine what you are going through.

It’s not exactly the same but I find it difficult knowing our DD was healthy. She died due to a cord accident the weekend that she was due but was perfect. I often think “what if?” On the other hand I am grateful there is nothing to suggest we shouldn’t try again

I have found I am anxious generally now. My DH didn’t answer earlier when I called him (he was outside) to say dinner was ready and I immediately thought of course is was plausible he could have just stopped living... So can only imagine I would be v anxious, especially about movement, if I get pregnant again.

I do feel a bit isolated as I think most people don’t have a reference point for baby loss whereas if people lose a grandparent or a pet then they can relate! I feel like people think I should have moved on or think I’m “fine” because I’m back at work (I took 6 months of my mat leave) when actually it’s still v fresh to me. With my friends for the most part I don’t talk about our DD as I know they don’t know what to say.

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Pandora71 Thu 26-Sep-19 07:15:42

Hey @ReeRi thanks for the reply. How many times has someone said “I can’t imagine what you are going through”. I kinda think that’s not true - they could imagine it’s just too painful.

My DD was also perfectly healthy and died for no apparent reason. The post-mortem didn’t find anything. So also no reason not to try again but we are still in the midst of grieving her so it’s hard. She was very much here and alive and part of our family. I’m grateful for the time we had with her but I don’t think it’s as simple as “just having another baby”. I also don’t know how I could live with the constant worry.

I also worry in a way that is not at all in my nature. Is my DH still breathing while he is asleep?

I do talk about my DD a lot to friends. It feels like only a matter of time before they get fed up.

So sorry for your loss. I’m so much more aware of still births now too. If feels like having a baby would be 2+ years of utter fear.

lunamoon1 Thu 26-Sep-19 10:08:33

Welcome @Pandora71, I am so so sorry to hear about your daughter. I am so sad we are all connected in this way. I can imagine since she was perfectly healthy it must be so hard to come to terms with. Every day is a battle. But you have done so well to get to this point, look at completing every day as a mini-achievement, you are doing better than you think💫 and that will be down to the strength your daughter is giving you!

@ReeRi there's never TMI here don't worry, I know I am desperate for her atm and when she arrives I'll be cursing her lol! That's nice to know about SANDS, it will be good to connect to people in the real world who understand what it's like. And I totally get about people not wanting to 'bring it up' in the fear they upset you, as if you have somehow forgotten! I understand people don't know what to say, but the worst thing of all I find is to say nothing.

ReeRi Thu 26-Sep-19 13:56:58

@Pandora71 I don’t think people can imagine what it’s like to go certain things unless they do. They can imagine it’s difficult but I don’t think they have any idea how I’m feeling or what goes through my mind on a daily basis. I feel some of my friends have shown them to be true friends and others, well, there are one or two I don’t think I can be friends with as they have just not been there at all.

I have exactly that worry about my DH when he is asleep. It started the night my baby was born. I forced myself to get out of bed and go check on him as I thought he probably wasn’t breathing as he was asleep. I often go and check on him if I can’t hear him snoring or moving or breathing.

In relation to having more babies, I don’t think we can ever replace our daughters and tbh I don’t even worry about that as I know it’s just not even a remote possibility. However I do sadly feel like I am a mother without a baby and so I do want to have another baby. I think it will be scary to go through a pregnancy and then scary still if I have a healthy baby but I am willing to bear that risk and fear because the fear of never having a living child is greater to me. I hope that makes sense.

@lunamoon1 I completely agree. I’d rather someone said the “wrong” thing to me than didn’t say anything or didn’t try. I have a friend who hasn’t been in touch for about six months and I don’t think I can forgive her for that.

There doesn’t seem to be such a thing as TMI when it comes to pregnancy and conception! 🙈

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Pandora71 Thu 26-Sep-19 14:17:20

@ReeRi absolutely no replacement is possible of course. No matter what happens in the future my family will never be complete. I have an older DS which I think does make everything a bit easier. I am still an "active" parent - that hasn't been taken away from me. There is a temptation to consolidate the family we have but he is desperate for a sibling and DD brought out the best in him. I always wanted 2 and I had 2... I know I would be coping a lot worse if it had been my 1st that died. I'm so sorry for your loss. sad

Also @lunamoon1 I agree that not saying something at all is the worst. It cuts so deep! How can you forget! It is all I'm ever thinking about... Can I ask how DS died? I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm on CD12 and I tend to have long cycles. My period only recently came back after BFing for 4 months it took a while to return. So will be ovulation day in the next week I suspect. Am using ovulation sticks.

I'm grateful for this thread as of course repeated MCs is truly awful, it is a different thing to what some of us here are going through. No comparisons, just a different thing to suffer.

lunamoon1 Fri 27-Sep-19 07:44:36

@ReeRi I totally agree, that's so sad about your friend not making contact, not a real friend at all I would say, there is no room in your life for people like that. It's such a strange thing TTC after loss, because we know that even when we do finally get our BFP's, it's going to come with lots of anxiety and worry, but yet we still are determined to get there.

@Pandora71 thank you💐 we lost him to a rare tumour which put too much pressure on his heart due to the size of it, it wasn't picked up until I went for a fairly routine growth scan at 33 weeks, and then before I knew it I was on the operating table delivering him 2 weeks later. It was a very straight forward pregnancy until then. It still hurts my head at just how quickly it went from not. I'm so grateful for the few days we did get to spend with him tho. And I agree about being thankful for this thread, there is no comparison of losses, but it's nice to speak to ladies who understand.

ReeRi Fri 27-Sep-19 22:12:35

Thanks @Pandora71 I do find it hard not having other children and more so because DH has older children so sometimes I feel I am a somewhat alone in my loss as I have just lost my only child but my husband, the only person who truly shares my loss, hasn’t. It is a strange situation to navigate.

@lunamoon1 I’m so sorry again for what happened with your son. I think it is hard to get your head around when something happens so unexpectedly. Sometimes it feels like I got pregnant, went through nine months of pregnancy and then a few hazy weeks and I’m back home alone with DH as if our baby never was. Sometimes it’s like I forget (but I don’t ever forget) and it hits me like a tonne of bricks.

I’m finding myself a bit intolerant of selfish friends atm. I had that one who didn’t contact me until I contacted her and then told me she was pregnant in her first text back to me... and then I replied and asked about her and she didn’t reply again for months until I texted her and said actually you’ve been a shit friend by ignoring me for months. Meanwhile I have another friend who is in touch and I’m in touch with her but at the moment I feel like I’m chasing her as we talked about going to see a show, I’ve looked up some dates, and she can’t be bothered to get back to me. And I’m thinking just because I don’t really talk about my DD with you (so as not to make you uncomfortable) this is still actually really hard for me and I’m trying to arrange things to keep me busy and the least you could do is make some time to send me a text...

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Pandora71 Sat 28-Sep-19 05:46:35

@lunamoon1 the shock is so huge when it goes from perfect to the most other extreme. We put down a healthy, fat, wiggly, happy baby to sleep and when I next went to her she was dead. And we will never ever know why. The image of finding her dead haunts me. Did you spend much time with DS after he was born?

@ReeRi I’m sorry you feel alone through this. And cut out the waste of space friends. Nothing like a tragedy to show people’s true colours.

Tazzle2007 Sat 28-Sep-19 08:09:44

Hi is there anyway of private messaging on here? I had a still born baby girl just over 4 years ago. I have a new partner and I’m Ttc, I didn’t want to try again as I’m so scared it will happen again. I have 3 children already. I came off the pill 4 weeks ago and no period yet I’m too scared to test xx

ReeRi Sat 28-Sep-19 09:55:55

I feel different on different days and last night I was exchanged which didn’t help - sorry for rant!

But absolutely have no time for friends who are not there for me @Pandora71

@Tazzle2007 I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think anyone who has suffered a loss would find subsequent pregnancies difficult and scary. You can PM someone by either clicking on the three dots to the bottom right of someone’s post or click on the person figure on the top right of the page to go to messages (hope that makes sense) but feel free to post on here. It might be different on the app.

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Pandora71 Sat 28-Sep-19 20:12:17

@Tazzle2007 I’m sorry for your loss. I think all of us here are terrified. You should try and test so you know where you are. <3

Pandora71 Sat 28-Sep-19 20:14:27

I just wanted to say I think we are all so incredibly brave after what we’ve been through to be back trying again.

I’m having a low night. A date “milestone” of sorts for my DD. It still feels so surreal that she’s just gone.

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