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TTC With Vaginismus

(17 Posts)
H8624 Sat 18-May-19 14:51:57

Sorry for the odd topic but wondering if anyone can help?!

I have been with dh for 8 years and we tried to have sex early on but it never worked as he couldn’t get in! Eventually we just stopped trying and our sex life virtually disappeared. Last year I found out about Vaginismus and got some dilators which I worked through and can get the largest one in!

We recently decided we want to start trying for a baby but I am worried that it’s still not going to work! Has anyone been through Vaginismus successfully?

Also was researching ovulation however I don’t think I ovulate until day 14 /15 of a 24 day cycle! Does anyone have experience of conceiving with a short luteal phase?

Parabailarlabamba Sat 18-May-19 15:16:54

Just wanted to answer your vaginismus question as I know how lonely it can feel going through it. I had it quite badly and couldn’t have sex with my husband for 5 years. Couldn’t even manage a finger. I bought the dilators on amazon and after several months managed to use the biggest one! I stopped using them though as I found them uncomfortable but I am now able to have sex whenever I want with my husband. I need a lot of foreplay but I can do it and that’s what matters to me. Still a bit painful a year after finally managing to have sex again but yes, I am happy to say, it does get better!!! Hope that your TTC journey is successful. Vaginismus is so hard to cope with but has a very very high success rate in terms of management.

H8624 Sat 18-May-19 18:17:12

Thanks for your reply parabailarlabamba glad to know I’m not the only one that’s suffered this!

How did you find going from dilators to intercourse did you succeed first time? Any tips?


Pinkarmchair Sat 18-May-19 18:25:58

I think I have this.

I'm 22 and have been having sex with DP since I was 19, but it is still incredibly painful and we haven't done it in 11 months because he can't even fit inside me now. Its awful, I wish I had advice for you.

For me the pain is around the opening.

If you could, I would really appreciate if you sent me a link to the dialators you used on PM x

parabailarlabamba Sat 18-May-19 18:45:11

How did you find going from dilators to intercourse did you succeed first time? Any tips?
To be honest, I found intercourse much more comfortable. It really did hurt, I’ll be honest but once you’ve had sex a few times, your confidence grows and you feel safer and more relaxed each time. I also found dilators very uncomfortable because obviously hard plastic isn’t ideal! Most times I used them, it took me 3 hours to get to the largest. I was fed up at that point, I couldn’t spend 3 hours a day using the dilators! This is really personal and your vaginismus may not be as bad as mine was so take what I say next and modify it so it suits you! Instead of dilators, I decided to go slow with DH and during foreplay, he would only ever use one finger. He used just one finger every time we were in bed for about a month before I finally felt able to deal with two!! So then he used two fingers for another month or so during foreplay. Finally one day, we decided to try and it worked and I was able to have sex with DH! It really really hurt and I got no pleasure from it but I cried afterwards because I was so happy I’d managed it!

parabailarlabamba Sat 18-May-19 18:51:28

Tips wise:
-try and breathe deeply so that your stomach rises and falls. Not sure why but I think it helps prevent the muscles tightening?
-definitely definitely don’t rush. Take as long as you need with foreplay
-use enough lube!! I know you’re TTC but don’t worry about lube killing sperm. Several friends of mine conceived even having used lube. If you’re really worried then buy Pre-seed but focus on the sex before the TTC so you don’t pressure yourself
-remember to be kind to yourself- vaginismus is so hard to comprehend for a lot of people and it can feel like such a lonely place! You feel frustrated and angry and like nobody knows what it’s like. Just remember- there are loads of women out there with the same troubles as you. Men’s sexual health issues like erectile dysfunction get a lot more attention than ours and although plenty of women have vaginismus, unfortunately a lot of women are uncomfortable admitting their problems sad

H8624 Sun 19-May-19 15:30:14

Thanks so much for your reply!

I can fit the largest dilator in quite comfortably now (as comfortable as a bit of plastic can be!) I feel like I have a fear of trying intercourse though because of last time failing! Need to overcome this mental fear.

Thanks for the suggestions - I have bought lube so will make sure to use plenty of that!

Yes I definitely feel frustrated and also lonely as I don’t want to tell anyone I suffer as I feel abnormal! Everyone talks about sex so openly and I just sit in silence!

@pinkarmchair I used the femmax pink ones (bought from amazon for about £30. It took me a while to work through them as I wasn’t very consistent - all I’d say is use a lot of lube! It may not be vaginismus if you could have sex before - did something go wrong that suddenly made it impossible?

parabailarlabamba Sun 19-May-19 16:44:38

I’d definitely say go for it!! If you can manage the biggest one comfortably then I really think you’ll be ok having sex! Just make sure you spend a lot of time on foreplay and make sure to use plenty of lube! Take it slow, even if he can only put it in half way and you have to pause for a minute before he puts it in all the way, that’s still amazing progress!

H8624 Sun 19-May-19 17:03:51

Hi parabailarlabamba thank you!

Yes I think I need to just bite the bullet and go for it! I just get so nervous about things I guess.

It’s the start of entry with the dilator that’s generally a little uncomfortable once it’s past the opening it generally slides in easily!

Just need to get over my nerves!

parabailarlabamba Sun 19-May-19 17:07:19

That’s the bit that still hurts for me...the going in bit! Remember just to set small goals- don’t expect to be ‘cured’ right away. It’s ok to feel pain- even a lot of women without vaginismus have pain! So take it slow

AnotherEmma Sun 19-May-19 17:14:17

It could be vulvodynia or vestibulodynia. Check out the Vulval Pain Society website.

H8624 Sun 19-May-19 17:15:43

That’s true @parabailarlabamba I wish it was just simple!

AnotherEmma Sun 19-May-19 17:25:29

A few tips:

- Consider dildos instead of dilators, obviously small ones (!) but as they are curved rather than straight they are easier and more comfortable to use. Plus they are for pleasure as opposed to being clinical. You could use it by yourself and then when you're used to that you could get your partner to use it, this could be a good "practice run" before full PIV sex.

- Look up sensate focus, this is a method commonly recommended in sex therapy. It really helps when you're out of the habit of having sex and you've been avoiding it because of fear of pain (it doesn't actually have to be painful because the fear remains even after the pain has gone). You have to retrain your mind as well as your body. The main thing is that you build up to PIV gradually, it's off the table to begin with. This takes the pressure off and helps you to manage the fear and anxiety as you rebuild your sex life.

I don't want to share my personal experience on here but it has a happy ending smile

Kam610 Tue 21-May-19 07:39:46


I suffered with vaginismus for a long time. My now DH was very patient with me but I was so worried it would end our relationship. I went to the Drs and got dilators and worked through them just like you did. I found it surprisingly easy, but it was because I had control. When I made the transition from dilators to trying sex, I made sure I had full control. Being on top was the easiest for me to start with, as you can control the speed and depth. That really worked for me and the more we did that the more comfortable I was. I can now have normal sex without even a second thought. I never thought I'd see the day, but believe me it does get better!

Emelene Tue 21-May-19 07:49:39

I used the dilators too, but also had sex and relationship therapy with my DH. I'd developed quite a fear after it being so sore, so this helped a lot. I'd really recommend it if you have anxiety around sex and pain.

I now have a 6 month old. smile

ladyandthechocolate Tue 21-May-19 07:56:00

Just to say, for you sufferers that pelvic health physiotherapists (I am one) can help hugely with dyspareunia, vaginismus and vulvodynia. I have quite a few women under treatment at the moment and they respond really well. Definitely don’t suffer in silence, there is loads that can be done to help.

Ank15 Thu 20-Feb-20 09:35:23

Hi everyone. I got married back in 2016 and observed in the honeymoon phase that sex was extremely painful and never knew about Vaginismus until only few months ago. My symptoms were spasms and contractions right after sex and followed by painful burning urination. It took me 3 long years to find what it was and I went round & round to various doctors and specialists. I have been visiting a pelvic floor physio therapist since last November and I do see very slight improvement. But, there is still rectal pain after bowel movements, occasional pelvic pain and burning urination. I have just turned 31 and I really want to start TTC. I believe I still have a long way to go for painless penetrative sex and my physio has also told me that giving birth will hopefully stretch/ relax the muscles down there. Does anyone have any tips or advice on what I could do to further loosen my muscles or any progressive ways to make sex less painful? Also, any other ideas for conceiving that don’t involve penetrative sex are welcome. I am trying to be positive but this condition is quite painful sometimes sad I have heard about splash pregnancy, insemination kits that you get online (both at home ones or clinic) Just don’t know what’s the best option because I have also read that doing this at home can have a risk of infection.. so I am confused. I have been reading a lot of successful stories regardless which gives me hope smile Awaiting responses.. thank you

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